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The Two Extremes
September 30, 2005
1:05 am
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SassyAlex
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So I'm at about a month and a half since ending things with my ex. I've been very good lately about no contact. My problem now is how I go from one extreme feeling to the next. Most of the time I'm feeling such anger and disgust about my ex that it is all consuming. I want to throw up when I think about the ways in which he has hurt me.

But then I find myself missing the good times so much. I miss the kisses, I miss watching movies together, I miss laying in bed talking all entwined, I miss touching his hair, smelling his scent, feeling his skin. Not that I want to get back together with him, but I have this hole where he used to be, and I'm so sad not to have the wonderful things we did share.

I'm not sure which is worse; the anger or missing the good parts. I just long for the day when I can feel "normal" in between feelings again.

September 30, 2005
2:31 pm
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SassyAlex
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You know what I've been thinking about the past couple of days? I've been thinking about my ex having sex with other people. I know that a lot of people rebound, heck I did it a couple of times when I was younger, and it always led to me feeling even WORSE. Now I have learned better and will not get involved in any way with a new person until I work on the problems this last relationship has left me with, but my ex is not so wise.

I know it's torturous, and I'm trying to stop, but I wonder if he's slept with anyone already, when he will. And it hurts. A lot. It's even hard for me to admit it here, embarrassing in a way. I know that he's so screwed up that he will not find happiness until he works his problems out, but just the physical act of having sex with someone else is making me sick.

Look, I let him go. I made him stop contacting me when he wanted to come back. So what do I expect? I know, it just hurts.

Anyone else torture themselves with these thoughts?

September 30, 2005
2:47 pm
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kathygy
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Sassy,

believe it or not you do have control of your thoughts. everytime you start to think of the so called 'good times' immediately remind yourself of the hurt and pain this man put you through. I never allow myself to think of the 'good' when a man has hurt me. That is only a set up for feeling more pain and longing which this man does not deserve a mommment of your good thoughts. You have choices. You can tell yourself I love me too much to go there. I will not think thoughts that bring me pain. Its really very simple unless you like to suffer. Never romanticize a man who has hurt you or any memories. If you do like to suffer think about why. What benefits are you getting out of suffering? Be real honest with yourself. This situation really doesn't need to be a problem.

September 30, 2005
3:08 pm
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SassyAlex
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Kathygy, I agree with you, however, it is right to completely demonize someone? I don't want to fall into the trap of "it was all his fault". Even though it was. 😉 But I've gotten past the point of weighing the good and the bad, I am through with him and not going back. I'm just talking about the times when you're alone at night, or wake up first thing in the morning with that longing feeling. Right now I'm having it. It doesn't mean that I am not angry and sooo hurt, it just means that yes, there were good times, that's why I stayed to try to work through the bad stuff. But that's what makes ending relationships so complicated...you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and sometimes I'm not even trying to think about him, I just have this painful empty feeling nagging inside, and I cannot wait for it to go away or at least lessen.

I just know that so many people on this board are feeling the same way, and I'm looking for support.

September 30, 2005
3:14 pm
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CAMER
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i know the feelings...i too used to think of the "ex" esp when i thought he was out sexing other girls once he was done and over with me....arrrg, those feeling are tough to deal with.

I don't blame you for thinking of the good times, we all have had them, the fun times, the laughing times, times remembering hugging and holding and all the other good stuff!! but if
the good feelings overwhelms the real reason why you are not together that is not good.

Feel your feelings, and know you are not alone...

((camer)))

September 30, 2005
3:16 pm
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kathygy
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I do support you in not causing yourself pain. I never said anything about demonizing. I'm just saying you are hurting yourself if you romantize him and any memories. If your goal is not to suffer than you need to stop thinking about the good times if they bring you pain. also, its very important to think about the price you paid for those good times. You paid a very high price. You need to hold both thoughts up together at the sametime, the bad and good. If you just hold up the good times you are deluding yourself.

September 30, 2005
3:26 pm
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kathygy
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"sometimes I'm not even trying to think about him, I just have this painful empty feeling nagging inside, and I cannot wait for it to go away or at least lessen".

This maybe a clue why you like to think about a man who has hurt you.

Rather than thinking about this man think about the painful empty feeling inside. Where does that come from? You can learn to fill yourself up by having a loving relationship with yourself. If you do that the empty, painful feeling will go away. What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Think about it and how you can improve it.

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