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The things I have missed about MYSELF...(Jennifer here, AGAIN!!)
May 2, 2006
11:20 pm
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chatty
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I don't miss too much from the marriage I was in-- I was trying to get along but it wasn't good. I know that what I am reading in the books on codependency is helping. But at those meetings I don't say everything because there is alot in my head. Also I'm here because I am trying to find some peace-- and I'm afraid to say too much because somehow I think he ( the x ) will in some way read it even though he lives in totally different place. Sometimes I wish I could just escape from it all. If I am here and sound vague, I guess I have reasons. When my thoughts start up about stuff I am slowly trying to Let it go. It a battle.

May 2, 2006
11:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Chatty, I know where you are coming from. There is a part of me, too, that worries that the XF will come across this site, and read what I have written. But I think it's very unlikely. I don't even think codependency would come to his mind.

Anyway, I know you are uncomfortable with sharing to much. That's understandable. You can share as much as you want, WHEN you want. It's ok that it comes out slow. It's better than not at all. I don't find you to be vague.

Just take this at your own pace, and remember that the people here on this site are here for you, and ready to support you with understanding at ANY time! I'm just happy you're here! It shows you are ready to reachout! One step at a time!

Hang in there, sweetie. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel!

Jennifer

May 3, 2006
6:06 am
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Borboleta
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Jennifer,

sometimes people need remembering

"There is a light at the end of the tunnel"

Thanks for being here to remember me this. I agree totally with you. I can´t see the light now, but i can see a little and shy brightness in front of me.

XXX

N

May 3, 2006
6:57 am
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bonni
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Good Morning Jennifer,
I wonder if this would be easier if he had been my boyfriend. Then we could 'break up' and move on. he's done nothing explicitly to lead me on. he's never mistreated me. he does care for me deeply and he climbed down in the pit when i was losing it.

how can i "no contact" this man who loves me that i love? why can't i just make the obsessiveness stop? there's no chance that we can be more than friends, i just want to be with him. and not even sexually. what's wrong with me?

i was doing just fine until he decided to come for a visit. i want to believe he's coming to see his family, not me. i want to believe that his talking about a threesome was just more rambling. i'm just reading something into it right? he didn't say, hey we should have a threesome. he said, people who want to have threesomes are freaks. i never said i wanted to, but what if he knows i have that fantasy sometimes? just because we have fantasies doesn't mean we WANT to act them out. i don't trust him enough to be that intimate with him. maybe that's a good thing.

bonni

May 3, 2006
8:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Borboleta, Yes, it does help to be reminded sometimes, of that light. That is why we are all here to remind each other of that. So I thank YOU, too, for being here and being a part of my recovery, along with many others! '-)

Bonni, Your situation is truly unique. It would be difficult to have any kind of closure, when you are not sure what you are closing. Maybe you should try to figure out exactly what this is called, something you can put a name on, and identify, so you can take steps from there. Maybe once you know what it is you are closing, it will make better sense. I'm sorry this is so difficult, Bonni. We're here for ya'!

Jennifer

May 14, 2006
12:17 am
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Anonymous
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Ok, I have now reached the point of realizing the things I wasn't AWARE that I've missed, until now, after one month of being broken up.

I have missed the sunny days.

I have missed hearing the birds singing.

I have missed the watching my cats stretch out in the sun.

I have missed the peacefulness.

I have missed the sound of crickets at night.

I have missed the early morning dew on the grass.

I have missed listening to my GrandDad's stories.

I have missed the scent after the rain, along with the beautiful rainbow which follows.

I have missed watching my kids grow into adulthood. (which I'm still not too late for)

I have missed my good sleep.

These are just some of the things I'm now re-discovering, after being alone for awhile. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I think the fog is starting to lift!! AMEN!! 😉

Jennifer

May 14, 2006
12:21 am
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on my way
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good for you!

May 14, 2006
7:49 am
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Go Jennifer, you go girl.

Many years ago I went into a terrible depression. My days and nights of emotional agony were horrible. I used to lay in my bed at night and pray not to commit suicide. I got stuck.

Then after a year I found a good therapist and slowly, slowly I did start to come alive again.

The world around me was always there yet I was too sick to take it in. I have found a new me and I will never lose her again.

May 14, 2006
11:30 am
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Thankyou OMW and LS!

Yeah, depression is not a fun thing. I'm so glad, LS, that you have found the NEW you! We won't be so easily to give ourselves up to just anything now! Life isn't so gray, anymore! What a joy, to finally feel free!

Jen

May 18, 2006
11:28 pm
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lonely in va
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Hey Jennifer!
So glad to hear that you are getting to experience those things again. It has been a couple of weeks since I wrote on here, but I am doing so much better. I actually saw my ex last Friday and we had a really great talk and hopefully one day we can be at a point of being friends. We just could not make each other happy anymore, so it is best for us to move on and find the people that are supposed to do that for us, ya know?
I have actually halfway enjoyed doing all the things that I want to do when I want to do them. It is still hard at night going to bed alone or not talking to him until I fall asleep, but life will go on. I actually went through the house and took down all our photos yesterday which was not easy, but now that they are gone it makes it easier to at least walk through a room and not have constant reminders. Anyway, I hope all is getting better in your corner of the world. Thanks so much for all of your kind words through a rough time in my life. It is really nice to know that people that do not even know you will take a minute out of their own lives to make you feel better. Take care!
Lonely

May 19, 2006
6:58 am
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Thankyou for this, Lonely. You have no idea how your words are touching me right now. Especially about the part where you said knowing that there are people out there, without even knowing you taking timeout for a moment to make you feel better. Your post came at a good time. I came on here this morning, feeling a little blue, and it was so nice to see your post. Thankyou. I hope things are getting better for you, too! Take care... Jennifer

May 21, 2006
6:32 pm
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lonely in va
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Jennifer,
I am glad that my post came at a good time for you. It is the least that I could do(without knowing it) being that you were so kind to me when I first got on this site. I hope this weekend went well for you with your daughters' graduation. What an exciting milestone in yours and their lives!!
I am sure that they were doubly excited not only to have their mom there, but to have a mom that is picking up her life and making it better for herself and eventually for them also. Things get easier with time and a heart heals itself(funny thing how many times it can do that) but believe me I know how hard it is to even come to terms with it. Just know that you have some great friends here you can lean on any time of the day or night.:)
Take care Jenn,
Lonely

May 22, 2006
1:53 pm
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Anonymous
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(((Lonely))) You really have a way of tugging at my heart! What a sweet person you are! Thankyou for being here!

It was a wonderful weekend! Take care...Jennifer

May 22, 2006
2:05 pm
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PS...and you are right in the fact that we are capable of healing many times over! This is so true. Last night was such a profounnd and defining moment in our lives, that the thought of "my" love life didn't even enter the picture! And that felt SOOO good! I'm a happy mama, right now, and that fills my heart more than anything else could! Thankyou, Lonely!!

Jen

May 22, 2006
10:09 pm
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lonely in va
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Jennifer,
So good to hear that you had a great weekend. When things that are so right in our lives go so well it is easier to forget about the things that are not so great. I certainly hope that once things calm down your thoughts do not go back to the dreaded XBF. It is so hard, I know, but the positive things in our lives are really what helps us through. Take care of yourself and your family. Talk to you soon!
Lonely

May 22, 2006
10:19 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey, Lonely. Everyone left, this morning, and I had the day off, to recoup. The house was quiet, and my emotions have leveled out, again. And it didn't help that PMS played a huge factor in my emotional setback, but I survived it, and can just relax now.

Sometimes, I believe that we need these temporary setbacks, to help us to realize and appreciate our strength, when it is present. Enough to fight for it and regain it! This motivates me and makes me even MORE determined to move forward and allow peace in my heart and soul.

If this makes sense?

Hope all is well with you, Hon! Take Care...

(((Lonely in Va)))

Jen

May 24, 2006
3:54 pm
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smarterone
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Hey jen
glad to hear everything was good and that normality is returning.I wish I could say i felt normal. i dont know whats with me. Depression, thoughts of ending it. Life is not worth this fight. My son, i have tried to get his life together cause that is all that counts,but he is 29. Finally getting somewhere but i am 55 and tired. My b/f, lives with us and i think he comes from neverland, nothing upsets him and life is just life. No money, no transportation, and a man with me to boot. Where do you go from here.

May 24, 2006
7:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi, Smarterone.

I'm sorry that life is so tough, SO. Are you having thoughts of ending the relationship with your guy? I didn't know if you meant that "he" didn't have any money or transportation. Is he helping you in any way at all?

If not, I think it would be time for some tough choices. Sometimes those are the things we need to face, in order to become free of the "rut".

I apologize if I'm wrong about your partner. I guess I need to have my memory refreshed, a little.

Anyway, you take care of YOU, and decide what it is that would bring you peace and contentment, then we can take the steps in pursuing and achieving it. We're here for ya', SO! Love ya'...

Jennifer

May 30, 2006
9:11 pm
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Anonymous
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A bump for Miss Understood...

February 23, 2007
1:11 am
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Jenni
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Just a reminder to myself...

This was one of my first threads, back when I was still "ipw". (I had somehow skipped the part where I was suppose to choose my screen name!)

Anyway, I just needed to remember and see some things since last year and thought I'd share...

February 23, 2007
6:41 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Jenni)))

Thinking of you....

Mich

February 24, 2007
10:26 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Jenni, I read this list and you know what ? These are the very same things I missed too..I would have never been able to list them . But I could identfy with each of them. Thank you so much for posting this tread..I missed me too..that it why I am here trying to find the old me before him...horsefly

February 24, 2007
5:43 pm
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Jenni
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Thank you both, Mich and HF. I'm set back a little bit, but it will be ok. I'm still grateful for plenty and feel very fortunate.

(((HUGS)))

Jen

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