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The things I have missed about MYSELF...(Jennifer here, AGAIN!!)
April 28, 2006
8:10 am
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CAMER
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Jenn, good post!!! and its so good to list the things about ourselves for once...and yes, being Coda, sometimes i do lose myself and not be true to myself, and walk on eggshells just to not hurt the other person........its so good to know that yes, we can do the things we want, this is our life!!

great reading the posts!!!
love, camer

April 28, 2006
7:58 pm
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Hello, Occy and CAMER.

It's amazing what we discover about ourselves, once we take the time to look. Did we ever even notice *how much* was lost along the way?

And isn't it amazing how FREE we really can be, once we recognize that WE are in control of ourselves, not anyone else?

And for me, what a relief to not HAVE to change someone else! THAT was alot of misused energy and work! Just to find out it was ME who had changed!

I started another thread, called "Was it REALLY happiness, TRUE happiness?" I think I might of cut loose, a little too much on that one! When I get thinking about things, it just starts to roll out of me like a locomotive! But, it is what I'm feeling at the time, so I hope I didn't come off too offensive for anyone!

Anyway, thankyou SOOO much for posting! I love reading what others are thinking, and how they are dealing with life, as it is!

Jennifer

April 28, 2006
8:36 pm
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bonni
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Jennifer,
these lists are starting to help. i miss knowing who i am and what i want and that having nothing to do with anyone but me. i miss being able to enjoy this wonderful life i've been given. i miss believing that God's plan was better than my plan. i miss having a plan. i feel so much like i'm wallowing, but WOW what productive wallowing! maybe bit by bit i can try to capture what i miss and those are things to keep.

April 28, 2006
8:48 pm
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AMEN, Bonni! These can be our new goals and passion! To regain what we have lost somewhere along the way.

We only have one life to live, so we MUST live it in the best way WE see fit, and thru God! Yes, God does have a plan, and the best is yet to come!

Take Care...

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
12:11 am
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smarterone
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these affirmations were eye opening. Jen thanks for the start of this. My list made me realize, i missed having the childhood i never did. (abusive) I wish i could go back and change it.
Things I want:

To be a friend to myself.
To love my self
To be proud of any accomplishment big or small and to have the insite to acknowledge them.
To respect others
To stop being negataive
To trust
To talk to my b/f when i am upset.
To realize that we are all different in this world and we must accept everyone for who they are
To REALLY FIND OUT WHAT I REALLY WANT IN LIFE.

April 29, 2006
12:22 am
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Very good, SO! Sometimes, we have to see it spelled out, to realize what we have been missing! I truly do wish you the very best!

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
10:23 am
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Longstreet
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I am so grateful for these postings. I miss my ex (who has text messaged me several times this week. Why do they seek you out j-u-s-t when you are getting your feet under you?). I am working sooo hard at developing a network of friends, staying busy, working hard at my job and literally taking it a day at a time. I also pray, read and try to spend time with my family. That is all I can do. I am taking life a day at a time, even though not thinking or planning for the future seems scary to me. So I am still very, VERY sad that my ex and I split up. I said in my reply text that I am sad that we went from planning a new life together to starting over, but I am thankful that my days are MINE to do as I want. My ex had a huge network of people and specific interests in motorcycles and boating (neither of which I'm overly interested in). So it's nice to NOT have to suddenly become interested in these activities and like all her friends/acquaintances. I can pick/choose the people in my life and do whatever I feel like. So it's lonely, scary but it's all mine to choose from. And for that I am thankful. Keep posting, it's such a blessing to come here and talk with people who understand and can relate.

April 29, 2006
1:03 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi, there, LS. I can relate to the getting on our feet long enough for the rug to be pulled from underneath us!

I hadn't heard a thing all week from my XF. Yesterday, I received an e-mail from him, only to open it up and see that it was a forwarded "story" to send to 5 other people. And of COURSE, I noticed it was originally sent to him from a FEMALE!

Well, I just took a deep breath, and gave my heart a moment to slow down, and just told myself, one more thing to add to my "Will Not Miss" list!! If we would have still been together, I would of HAD to ask him about it, but now, I DON'T!! AMEN!!

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
1:49 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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We all know how difficult it can be and is. One thing I did and it helped me take another step forward, was to write out several responses to a phone call or email, no matter when or if i might get it.

this has allowed me to just put it away and behind me, now I dont think about it that much, if i get am email, then "click" my response goes out, and its not pretty.

All of the tools i have shared in my threads have come from other codeps, its a wonderful feeling knowing that there are poepole that you dont even know in this world that can have a positive effect on you.

What i miss about myself, is my love of life, and guess what, as I let go of her, and the pain she caused, I see a little of that, and I LIKE IT!!

JAG

April 29, 2006
1:57 pm
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JAG, isn't it a wonderful discovery to KNOW that there still is life after a breakup? Who'd of thought.

We tend to get so wound up in the lives of others, that we tend to forget that we had a life of our own, at one time! And I'm for getting BACK to that. Things around me have changed, that I hadn't noticed because of my former *distractions*. But I'm noticing them NOW, and like you, I LIKE IT!

Forward is the only way to go, because going backwards, only brings us *backward* results! Alot of lost miles there! So all we can do is GAS UP and keep moving! We WILL get there!

Take Care...

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
2:07 pm
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Well put IPW,
Each time we get a step forward, it allows us to let go a little bit more, will we slip at one point, or have a bad day, yes, its only natural, but if we keep the faith, keep posting and remember who WE are, then we will make it.

This site and posting has helped me more than i ever thought.

JAG

April 29, 2006
2:09 pm
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Anonymous
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Me, too, JAG! And to think I only found this place by accident. Now I don't believe it was an accident. I think it was God who led me to others for support and understanding! Mysterious but WELCOMED! AMEN!

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
2:15 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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Actually I did too, I was in my office, sdepressed, reading about codep, and I stumbled across here, it was a sign from god, and the second one I had in the same week, a friend of 16 years called me out of the blue, because she felt that I needed to talk, it was the day before I found this site.

another friend is going through some problems on the homefront, we start talking, and she is the Codep, fixer and savior as well as me.

It amazing when you look at it.

I so look forward to getting on this site, whoever does not believe in this is crazy.

JAG

April 29, 2006
3:25 pm
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God does work in our lives. We just need to choose to see it! Life is brighter!

And I just had another thought. (Uh-Oh!)

He (XF), once told me that old saying, that "Absense makes the heart grow Fonder". Well I'm think'n he must be PRETTY FOND of me by now! Fonder by the moment! LOL!!

As for me, I'm no fonder now, than I was before! Infact, I'm think'n that "Absense makes the 'head' grow SMARTER!!"

Peace!

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
3:39 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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Well said, and I know my x girl, after about 3-4 months, gets the emptiness that I am almost over, sucks to be her if she tries to contact me!!!!

April 29, 2006
4:09 pm
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Yeah, JAG! It will be just the beginning for them! We, on the other hand, will be long gone and finished!

Here's to HEAD STARTS!! **CHEERS**

Jennifer

April 29, 2006
4:10 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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CHEERS to you too!!!!

and its almost mean, but ya know what, its all about US!!!

April 29, 2006
4:11 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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IPW-posted my story, please read and tell me if you think I am on the right track

JAG

April 30, 2006
3:43 pm
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lonely in va
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I have missed:
Saying what is on my mind

Doing the things that make me happy

Having a girls night

Talking to my friends

Laughing out loud

Going shopping for me

Flirting

Going on long walks

Shooting pool

Why is it that we give up so many of the things that make us happy just to make someone else happy? The reason my bf fell in love with me in the first place was because I was so independent and did my own thing. But for some reason I slowly started giving up my own independence and doing all the things he loved. Don't get me wrong, some of those things were also SOME of my own interests, but alot were not. Now he says that I am needy. How did I get here? What made me become this person? I really think that somewhere in this mind of mine I justified myself doing these things because maybe he would love me more. He already loved me so why did I feel like he needed to love me more? A brain is a funny thing, huh?

April 30, 2006
4:06 pm
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That was good, Lonely!

So now that we have this down in print, we can look back at these things everytime we forget *who* we were, and how we want to get ourselves back.

These can be our new goals to put into action.

We need to remember all of these things about ourselves, that we felt secure with. What types of things were we thinking about at the time, what mattered to us back then, what was it that made us feel so ALIVE?

Hopefully seeing these old ways about ourselves, will trigger something in our minds, and help us to do what it takes to regain it!

Good job! You're doing awesome!

Jennifer

May 1, 2006
6:42 am
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Borboleta
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I have read every comment.
Now i think i´m going to do my own list of things i gave up doing.
I felt very identified overall with Lonely. When i´m ´fine, i´m so independent... And with my last relationship it happened the same as Lonely.

Thanks

N

May 1, 2006
7:46 pm
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I'll be watching for it, Borboleta!! We did give up alot, so we must do what it takes to gain it back. It's not too late!

Jennifer

May 2, 2006
5:52 pm
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bonni
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Jennifer,
today it was better. i still miss not caring what he thinks or that he didn't contact me sunday or monday and grabbed me today for over an hour. i miss not being open to his manipulations. i miss not knowing how it feels for him to be in charge and make me feel safe. i miss not wanting anyone to take care of me because i fully believed i could take care of myself.

i'm glad that when he logged into im, i didn't rush him and ask where he's been. i'm glad that when he pops up and tells me he's coming to visit that i didn't ask him to fit me in - i waited for HIM to bring it up, NOT anxiously or hopefully, but matter of factly.

i wish i had ended the conversation before it started heading over my boundaries. (though i didn't let it go very far.) i wish that i didn't still want him to love me. i wish that i believed him when he tells me he doesn't.

May 2, 2006
7:39 pm
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Oh, Bonni, this is SO tough! I, too, miss so much about him. There is a certain sweetness about him that is truly difficult to let go of. BUT, there are other things, BIGGER things, that is not so hard to let go of. For some reason, those are the things that are difficult to remember as much, right now. Right now, we are in the "Good Times", phase, where all we remember are the good times.

We need to try and focus on the reasons why we *appreciate* sitting here alone right now. Who knows what today would have been like, had he been here? It may not have been the fantasy that we have built up in our minds.

For me, it came down between him and my dignity. I tried *him*, and it obviously didn't work, so I will now take back my dignity and self respect and go from there. I still have weaknesses, but I have to find a way to NOT allow them to interfere with my journey, or else, I will fall. And falling hurts, so I have to practice walking, before I can run, again.

Hang in there, Bonni! We're here for you!

Jennifer

May 2, 2006
7:49 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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IPW,
I am with ll of you on remembering, but I seem to be rembering more of the struggles lately, and i am not missing those at all.

I got my travelwatcher today, it would have been our annual cancun trip, but thinking about how I was treated, well, i hinestly will wait and go with someone who will appreciate the trip and let me know they do.

Its tough, it really is, i thik I am growing and moving past the BULL to a placwe where it has truly become about me.

I no longer have the cnversations of getting back together, its more journaling of what I will say thats healthy for me.

I hope this stays, it is a good feeling.

JAG

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