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The things I have missed about MYSELF...(Jennifer here, AGAIN!!)
April 25, 2006
10:10 pm
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Anonymous
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Well, this is what happens when I "think" too much! LOL! I guess I have a thing for lists!

These are the things that I have missed about myself, that somehow got lost along the way.

I have missed my self dependence.

I have missed my free spirit.

I have missed doing what I want, WHEN I want.

I have missed my energy.

I have missed my eagerness.

I have missed my happiness.

I have missed my security.

I have missed my solitude.

I have missed my OWN way of thinking!

I have missed my recovery, from the time I fell the FIRST time.

I have missed my clear head.

I have missed my common sense.

I have missed my strength.

I have missed my courage.

I have missed my willingness.

I have missed my confidence.

I have missed my stability.

I have missed my trusting side.

I have missed being open.

I have missed my Will.

I have missed my self-love.

I have missed my goals.

I have missed my desires.

I have missed my self contentment.

I have missed my involvements with others. (Family, friends, ect...)

I have missed my enjoyment.

I have missed my dreams.

I have missed my excitement.

I have missed out...

And last, but NOT forgotten... I have missed my SELF RESPECT!!! That one is the biggest one of all! And the FIRST one I intend on taking back! Who cares if "he" misses me, or not?! Like I said in another thread..."I" MISS ME!! This loss was as big as ending the relationship was. BIGGER!

Ok, I'll stop here, for now. Anyone else??? Lay it out there!

Jennifer

April 25, 2006
10:42 pm
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helpplease
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I read both your posts and they were both powerful. But this one, this one's really where the good stuff is. I am going through a weirdness right now. I am starting to become this icky person who I despise. This person who I thought I liked is literally telling me they don't want to be with me and I somehow can't accept it. So, I'm starting to push. How can you not like me? How can you not like ME? ME? How can this happen? And instead of running the other way, what am I doing? I'm asking why. I'm calling him. I say that I'm trying to understand. I'm groveling. I'm losing my self respect. I'm becoming this unattractive person who doesn't respect themselves. And I feel this horrible and piercing pain in my soul that seems unproportionate to what just happened. I want to stop but I sit here and cry and feel icky and rejected. I want me back too. I miss me. I miss the other side of me. This is the side I want gone. Fast. Thanks for your wonderful, wonderful post. Love, hp

April 25, 2006
10:54 pm
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BetterDaysAhead
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I have missed my peace.

I have missed my joie de vivre.

I have missed acting silly.

I have missed my 'self'. I give up my likes, my friends, my thoughts, my words to please others. These are some of the things that make me 'me'. And if me is what he liked or loved (assuming he ever did), then why did I give up me to please him?

Yes, I have missed me.

April 25, 2006
11:15 pm
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Hello, HP. It's nice to meet you!

I think one of the biggest problems of a codependent, is that we are seeking out others for validation, when we need to be looking at OURSELVES for this.

We have trouble accepting the fact that others don't see us in a light that we think they should. We take this as rejection. And rejection is what fuels a codependent on pursuing even MORE, to get the results WE want, which is a form of control. We become more aggressive in our efforts, to "make" the other see WHO we are. We use our words, instead of our ACTIONS!

We feel like we have failed, when we can't convince the other to want us. We have trouble with acceptance, especially when it comes to trying to "change" someone other than ourselves.

We don't wish to change ourselves, so we consistently try to change the other person. We don't think we have the problem. We think our problem IS our partner, and if they would just CHANGE, then we will find relief and happiness!

Well guess what, even if we COULD change someone else, and we were successful in doing so, and this person transformed into who we wanted them to be, (here's the kicker), we would STILL have a problem within OURSELVES. And because we did not put all of that energy where it belonged in the first place, we will still suffer from insecurity, and self doubt, ex: "Am I good enough for him?", or "Does he still want me?" "Will he ALWAYS be with me, forever?" We still would need REASSURANCE every other day, or so, that we are STILL the one, and ONLY one in their lives.

I feel for you, HP. I have been there, and am still not totally free of this. You're not alone.

One of my reasons for these lists, are so I have something to look back on, in my moments of weakness.

When I'm missing him, and having one of those tearful memories, I just pull up one of those GOOD reasons that I'm thankful for, that I will never miss. It can counteract the weak moment, and cancel it out. Kind of like shifting gears.

If we are going to remember things, then we need to remember ALL of it, not just some of it. And we know, it was not all splendor and glory!

We should never allow just one person define WHO we are, or WHAT we stand for! We are who we are, with or without another person involved in OUR lives!

One day at a time, HP! It's all a process, and you're truly NOT alone!

Jennifer

April 25, 2006
11:15 pm
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georgia peach
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I miss laughing till my stomach hurts
I miss sleeping and waking up refreshed.
I miss knowing i will be ok
I miss a peace of mind
I miss the tough woman i was
I miss the beautiful smile so many tell me i have
I miss the joy i had to love
I miss my whole being

April 25, 2006
11:18 pm
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BetterDays, I agree that we have sacrificed alot, including ourselves, in order to make another happy.

Now is OUR time, to gain these things back! Afterall, these things rightfully BELONG to us!

Good Job, BD!

Jennifer

April 25, 2006
11:20 pm
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Georgia Peach, good to see your list! Our NEW passion, (which I also miss), will be to reclaim these things, and return to earth as a whole and complete person, that we KNOW we are, because we have been before!

Awesome, GP!

Jennifer

April 26, 2006
7:10 am
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Borboleta
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I miss me sometimes
and also i missed you during these 4 days that i couldnยดt read the site.

XXX

N

April 26, 2006
9:02 am
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smarterone
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I cried when I read this Jennifer, i didnt know what I was missing, youhave named them all. Georgia peach, i miss laughing till my stomach hurts, now i dont laugh. I only cry. Ok, so now you are suppose to pick up and start, thats where the problem is, How? I have no contact with anyone. I dont work, disability I am afraid to give up and start a living at 55, and sometimes i am feeling so sick i could never call in sick. No transportation, no people around. i never follow thru with anything. Help.

April 26, 2006
9:54 am
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btru2me
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Hello Everyone! Excellent Post Jen! This is the stuff we should all put in our purses, on our walls, in our cars... ๐Ÿ™‚

I miss my free spirit

I miss being with my girlfriends

I miss sporting events with my son

I miss pursuing my goals

I miss my desire to take on new things

I miss being able to make my own decisions

I miss cooking the way I like to cook

I miss flowing curtains, peaceful atmosphere in my home

I miss turning on the radio and dancing alone

I miss wearing my cute shoes (he said they were inapropriate~man!)

I miss my peaceful spirit

I miss writing poetry

I miss my family

I miss my self-confidence

I miss healing & self discovery

I miss being free from critisms (sp)

~Smarterone, sweetie, you can start by listing the things you dream about doing. Try just for a moment to remember the things that would make you smile. Or, try going for a walk. It's springtime. Maybe gardening. Maybe helping others. Sounds like you have a great opportunity to start something new with yourself. Disability means you don't have to work, no obligations...And please let me know if I offend you okay.

BTW everyone, HAPPY DAY!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

April 26, 2006
8:01 pm
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Hello, Borboletta. I'm sorry you weren't able to read here for a while. Sometimes, we just need some down time, to recap on some of the things in our lives. I hope you are feeling better. There is hope!

Smarterone, I'm sorry you are hurting. It would be good, if you could find something to completely throw yourself into. Do you go to church? This is a GREAT place for support, as well as becoming part of a family. I'm sure people would be more than willing to pick you up and take you. This is just a thought! Hang in there, and have FAITH! (I just said a prayer for you! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Btru, that was good! These are truly things we can look forward to, in moments of grief and weakness! I especially liked the flowing curtains and peaceful atmosphere! AMEN to that!

I truly believe that the day WILL come, when all of this sadness and sorrow, (among many other things), will be part of our PAST, and we can view it as a learning experience!

Peace...

Jennifer

April 26, 2006
11:18 pm
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**BREAKING NEWS**

This my appear to be small and meaningless to some, but to me, WOW, a HUGE thing!

I actually FOGOT my cell phone, when I went to sit down for dinner!! It was in a complete different room and far enough where I couldn't hear it or reach for it! AND...when I went back into the room where it was, I didn't even NOTICE it, or check it for "missed calls"! This happened NATURALLY!!

Ok, just thought I'd share this. This was out of my normal routine that I had developed! And it actually felt GOOD to not care! I think I'm beginning to return to my "old ways", which feels like new again! I'm adjusting to this!

Thankyou for listening!

Jennifer

April 27, 2006
6:32 am
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smarterone
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No offense taken at all. Encouraging words. You are right!

I miss me.

I miss my girlfriends.

I miss being someone.

I miss walking to my mothers house.

I miss the opportunity to grow my kids differently.

I miss wanting an education.

I miss wanting to flirt.

I miss the change of seasons.

I miss the fresh snow.

I miss dressing my boys up.

I miss vacations with my kids and ex.

I MISS MY DAMM TEETH

I miss putting on clothes to be warm and jumping in the warm sheets.

Really sounds like i miss home. I had a bad childhood with abusive, crazy parents (mama, another story) so i didnt have those things, cant miss what you dont have, but doesnt mean you can desire it.

Thanks, i just found out alot of my problems.

April 27, 2006
9:59 am
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Smarter, that was good. Somewhere amongst all that, I detected a sense of humor! Well, you made me smile anyway. ๐Ÿ™‚ If I'm not mistaken, you are only 55, you still have loads of time to things you've always wanted to do. Your son is a grown man right? You are truly obligated to ONLY yourself. Smarter, here's a thought, one step, one day at a time, move towards something that would bring you closer to happiness. You didn't comment on the church suggestion presented by Jen, but I too believe that would be a fantastic way to get involved. This is what I've learned, there is always someone else out there who's situation is worse off than ours. That alone makes me want to thank God for my blessings. (am i supposed to say that on this forum?) We are here to listen and share.

Jen, Congratulations!! I wait for the day...btw, I too have a story. My ex is a real estate investor, today in the paper there were auctions listed. I had the urge to call him to let him know. Then, midstream, I said 'he is not looking out for me or my best interest, why should i?' I folded the paper and put it away! Major accomplishment!! ๐Ÿ™‚

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the songs on the radio are uplifting today! ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs to everyone!

April 27, 2006
10:13 am
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startingover
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ipw

Your "breaking news" is indeed reason for celebration! Good for you, you sound great. I love this post!

I MISSed and am now enjoying, time I spent with my children. That can't be replaced, and he can. How's that?!

SO

April 27, 2006
6:57 pm
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I totally missed the church thing. I have slacked off sinced i moved to this county. No excuses. I get all hyped up and then I get disappointed, i really like to feel at home in a church, no dress to impress, people who make promises that they dont keep, dont get me wrong you dont have to promise me anything to profess my faith in the Lord, but dont treat it like a business, you know what I am saying. There are so many churches in Florida, big market, you really need to be carefull. I was baptized years ago and am a christian, but in reality i feel we all believe and look up to the same person. God bless you.

April 27, 2006
7:25 pm
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I miss

not worrying about missed calls,
not wondering when i'll next hear from him,
reading books,
enjoying my time alone,
waking up and looking forward to the day,
writing in my journal about other things,
fantasies about my sexy boss,
sharing those with dh so we both enjoyed it,
going to the movies alone,
feeling good about myself,
looking forward to a future with my dh,
having hope,
knowing what i want in life.

bonni

April 27, 2006
7:50 pm
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Smarterone, I LOVED your list! And I, as well, was able to feel some of your humor! THAT is great! I think you also touched on a few things about your past. Maybe a small break thru? I don't think it's too late for you to RElive your childhood! Do it over!! Make those things come true. I know it would be kind of hard to dress up your boys now, (grandkids, maybe??) Take this time why you have it, and "allow" yourself to LIVE!! You can do this!

Btru, Thanks for the congrads. on my break thru, and congradulations to YOU, for NOT making that call, today! I know that is difficult, but you DID it! AWESOME! One step at a time, and before we know it, these things will become normal to us, like they were before! It's ALL a habit!

Bonni, that was a good list! In my opinion, it truly helps to put these feelings into writing, to look back at, when we forget "who" we were, before ever getting involved with another. I liked the part about waking up and looking forward to the day. We WILL get there, again.

I stated this in another thread, but this is my thought on relationships.

I'd like to think of a new person as an "pleasant addition" to my already stable life! (NOT the "main" focus!)

Jennifer

April 27, 2006
7:59 pm
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bonni
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Jennifer,
Thanks for the response. I appreciate your encouragement to think about these things. i know that one day i'll be better. i just feel so stupid for falling into this pit. maybe once i stop feeling stupid, i can climb my way out.
bonni

April 27, 2006
8:15 pm
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Bonni, you are NOT stupid, by all means! You are a human being with feelings, which means you have a heart and a soul. We should pity those who don't!

Feel free to share your situation, whenever you are comfortable in doing so. We are here to listen and offer support in any way we can!

(((Bonni)))

April 27, 2006
9:56 pm
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all of these are what I miss, you have all said it well, I miss my self respect, my ambitions, talking to my kids, riding bikes, playing in the park, dancing at my country bar(which I do again), just being me,

BUT>>>>>>

I dont miss worrying about her
i dont miss waiting for the other shoe to drop
I dont miss the drama
i dont miss the sharp words when she was depressed and pushing me away.

But i do miss the good times, because there were some.

In the end, none of will have to "miss" anything, we are all growing, and it shows here, we will all be in a happy place, its just a journey.

And as I was once told, No matter how hard it gets, the joy is in the journey.

JAG

April 27, 2006
10:17 pm
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Iamjustaguy, that was good.

Yep, there are things we *won't* miss, that we *have* missed, and things we *will* miss. We just have to take the good with the bad. As long as we can find some healthy balance in life, the we're doing pretty darn good!

Life really IS a journey! And what an adventure it has been, so far!

Jennifer

April 28, 2006
12:20 am
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Longstreet
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these are great posts and soooo relevant. IPW, what you wrote at the top about codependency is so true. I am going to reread through these and post more tomorrow. I know I miss my laughter, my independence, my ability to choose my own activities, my pets, my friends. I don't want to lose that again for anyone.

April 28, 2006
12:31 am
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Good for you, LS! We must be the ones in our lives which chooses ANYTHING we have to live with! It's time to take it back!

The victory will be OURS! ๐Ÿ˜‰

April 28, 2006
4:42 am
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occy
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iamjustaguy, jennifer and everyone

THANK YOU!
I thought that i was mad to miss all those things, but i do. i have spent a long time telling myself that those things weren't important if i could only help him be happy.
your threads remind me that i am allowed to believe in myself, my desires. one day at at time.
Jules

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