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The subject of my mother (RW)
January 26, 2008
10:36 am
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StronginHim77
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Dear NE -

Regarding your sister and her boys...

She will have to choose her own path. At this stage of her life, she obviously lacks the strength to keep your toxic mother out of her life and away from her sons. This is an unfortunate choice, but it is hers to make.

You can encourage her to read up on handling toxic people. An excellent start is WHO'S PUSHING YOUR BUTTONS? by Dr. John Townsend. As far as explaining to the boys about their Grandma? First, I would not expose my children to her. Why perpetuate the damage to -- yet another -- generation? However, your sister may be trying to give her sons the "illusion" of having a "grandma" with all the love and nurturing that connotates. She needs to understand that her boys will do just fine without an "illusion grandma" figure in their lives. As long as kids are loved unconditionally, they don't need grandparents for happiness or normalcy. In the case of such a toxic grandparent, I would consider her behavior(s) and influence more detrimental, than beneficial. You can try expressing that to her, if possible.

My best to you,

- Ma Strong

January 26, 2008
10:58 am
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Hi, Ma Strong...

Thanks for your response. I'm going to both check out this book myself, and tell her about it.

I agree that it is best to keep a toxic relative out of the lives of one's children. I do have one more question, though...when the kid goes to school, or to day care, and starts making friends, other kids will talk about their grandparents. The teacher could read stories about, like, "going to Grandma's" and stuff. What should a parent do if the child asks something like "Why don't I have a Grandma" or similar?

Thanks for all your help, NE

January 26, 2008
12:08 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Im having a very difficult time forgiving her. What I have told you is just a tiny bit of what she has done to me. I wont even go into the memories I have of her as a child. It just gets to be too much sometimes. She wrote me a letter a very long time ago I had to have been 14 asking me to forgive her but in the letter she went into details of what she did and it just caused more pain. At the end of the letter I couldn't help but think now dont you feel better now. I have gone to visit her many times she lives in a different state than I do and I pretend like nothing is wrong. I guess i do a lot of pretending these days. I pretend a lot in my normal life as well because my husband gets mad if im upset therefore making not only me upset but an angry husband which is not easy to deal with because when he gets angry he becomes very unreasonable. I feel like Im hiding myself all the time.

January 26, 2008
1:13 pm
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Randomwomen2
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not one person in my family know how depressed I really am. My closest friend does but she lives very far away. Its just so hard pretending all the time.

January 26, 2008
5:52 pm
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StronginHim77
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North -

I think explanations to children simply need to be "age-appropriate." At 6 & 8, they would have no problem understanding that -- yes, they have a grandmother, but -- grandmother has a sickness in here (point to head) and here (point to heart). And use those very words: her mind and her heart. Add a brief explanation that she is not able to think or love like THEY CAN. And that everyone is hoping Grandma WILL get better one day soon, so that they can be together.

- Ma

January 26, 2008
5:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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RW -

Wow. I am blown away by all that you have survived. Have you (or anyone who has counseled you) ever considered having her legally prosecuted for these crimes against you? If she is legally sane, she is certainly liable for these atrocities, although I appreciate that initiating such an action might be more than you could bear.

- Ma Strong

January 26, 2008
6:12 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I couldn't do that. It would be way more than I could handle and I would feel so much guilt. I have been in and out of counseling but haven't really had my heart into it. I know a lot of these things in my head but not in my heart. My mother has hepatitis C through drug use I have been checked and thankfully I dont have it which is a miracle. My ex step father had us sharing drug needles from when i was 9 until I was 11. That is something that I am so thankful for. I almost feel like that she has it because I didnt send her to prison like Gods going to make sure that she doesn't get out of this Scott free. She will have passed on by the time shes 60 at least thats what the doctors say. What gets me is she still doesn't own up to anything. Could she not remember what she had done? But I think that I would just be making excuses for her again If I actually thought that and im tired of making excuses for her she was my mother and she failed me horrendously.

January 26, 2008
6:31 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear RW -

Your mother did more than "fail" you. She committed criminal acts against you and violated you in every way imagineable. I don't know how old she is, but it is possible to live a fairly long life with Hepatitis C, provided the patient avoids all alcohol and certain medications which stress the liver. Each patient is different. Does she have cirrhosis from the Hep C already? If so, then her days are numbered.

Her total avoidance of having abused you is not surprising. Many abusers refuse to ever acknowledge the evil they have committed, particularly against their own children. If the topic is addressed, they simply return a blank stare. Or look right through you. Or walk away. Whatever. As if it never happened.

I think it would help you to distance yourself from her in every, possible way. Each contact you have with her must have your subconscious SHRIEKING inside from the sheer injustice of what you suffered at her hands. Stepping back (without making any apologies or explanations for doing so) might give your heart some rest and healing.

- Ma Strong

January 26, 2008
8:49 pm
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netsirk
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(((RW)))

After reading through this thread again tonight I thought you might be in need of an extra tight hug. I can not believe all you have gone through and yet you are so encouraging to so many of us here. I know it is so hard for you especially if you have no on e with whom you can talk to about all this or your depression. I know you have a lot to think about and a lot to deal with so just know I am thinking of you.

January 26, 2008
9:51 pm
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Randomwomen2
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my mother drinks a few times a week and smokes pot daily. I would have a very difficult time justifying distancing myself from her. I know I know she did me wrong but she hasn't done anything recently but then again its only a matter of time until she hurts me again. Its so hard I know what I should do but I just cant seem to do it. Its crazy I feel guilty just thinking about doing anything that would hurt her.

January 26, 2008
9:54 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thank you all replying to me it really means a lot to me.

January 26, 2008
9:58 pm
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((((RW))))

Maybe it would start to become easier for you to make some changes if you think of is as looking after you rather than "hurting her". Clearly, you are not planning ways to hurt her or take revenge (which many people in your position might do). Since you know that your motives are pure, I encourage you to continue thinking along the lines of taking care of yourself.

Big hugs,
love kroika

January 27, 2008
2:20 am
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Randomwomen2
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but looking after me would involve hurting her. I dont know it seems like a lose lose situation. I dont know I have been very very down tonight. Just been feeling like crying over everything.

January 27, 2008
3:52 am
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((((((RW)))))) If anyone on this site has the right to cry I think it is YOU.

January 27, 2008
9:43 am
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Randomwomen2
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ahh but i have to come up with a current valad reason too or I get yelled at. But thank you sweetheart.

January 27, 2008
9:56 am
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Randomwomen2
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ahh there I go being self defeating again sorry. I am just really tired. I ended up babysitting last night and the little girl kept on waking up and crying. so Im working on less than 6 hours of sleep plus I kept on having nightmares. So im very sorry if my posts dont come out the way I intend them too.

January 27, 2008
11:29 am
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Celtic1
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How are you this morning RW

(((RW))))

January 27, 2008
12:09 pm
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Randomwomen2
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tired and hurting but other than that im ok

January 27, 2008
12:47 pm
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Celtic1
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((((RW))))

Celtic

January 27, 2008
4:45 pm
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netsirk
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(((RW)))

Just popping in to say hi and that I was thinking of you today. I'm ugging you today as I read thru what you have written last night and this morning. I'm sorry you are so tired and that you are hurting so very much sweetie. (((((((4U))))))

January 27, 2008
5:43 pm
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Randomwomen2
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sorry that I said I was ok earlier I lied. I really am not ok. But no one around me knows or even cares other than you all.

January 27, 2008
7:00 pm
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netsirk
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Don't lie to yourself hunny it doesn't hurt anyone but you and you are the most important person that matters in this situation. Not your mother, not your husband, not your sister in law, YOU RW YOU are the most important.

January 27, 2008
7:45 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Im having a hard time with that because I have always I mean always put others above myself.

January 28, 2008
12:11 am
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Randomwomen2
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thank you all very much for the hugs and support

January 28, 2008
1:21 am
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Randomwomen2
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really really down tonight I am better though than what I was at least now I wont do something stupid. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

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