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The subject of my mother (RW)
January 24, 2008
10:01 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I have been here for a few years and have never really touched the subject of my mother its always been hard to talk about her first I think I will give you a history.

She has always put herself above me. When I was a baby my real dad came home he would find the apartment full of men and the whole place smelling like pot while I was in the bedroom in my crib screaming. This happened a few times. Then she left him and ran with me never giving up her drinking and her drugs.

We went from place to place until she met my now ex step father. She married him and forced my real dad to give up his legal rights (she threatened to tell the state that he molested me even though no such thing happened) and you know how the next few years of my life went but when I was 11 my mother left me and went to California for a year. I went a year with out seeing her one little bit and I was stuck with greg all day everyday.

When I was 12 she came back because her brother died by the way he had been worried that something was wrong with the relationship. The reason why I bring that up is because he had a little accident and he suffocated in his own truck I have always found the way he died to be suspicious anyway she came down for his funeral and asked if greg was still abusing me and I said yes so she told me that I should tell someone about him, making her out to be the innocent party she had just as much part in it as he did.

Well eventually I did tell on greg and my mom moved back down to Salem and got supervised visits with me but as soon as she got custody of me again she started smoking pot again and she grounded me from my friend Teresa for a year of course that didn’t stop me I saw her anyway. I eventually ran away to Teresa’s home her mother had wanted to adopt me along with every other woman at my church so she accepted me with open arms and helped me get the paper work to get emancipated. When I came back for my stuff because my mother thought that I was staying the night at my friends house she told me that if I moved out that I would no longer be her daughter I moved out anyway and she didn’t even show up for my emancipation hearing so apparently it wasn't that important for her to keep me. Then she moved back to California and I have pretended that everything was fine every since.

January 24, 2008
10:02 pm
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Randomwomen2
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teresa is my now sis in law

January 24, 2008
10:26 pm
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coldfeet
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HI, I'm coldfeet, first time posting. Your post must have taken alot of courage.....I'm not sure how all this works but it's good to know that you feel confident enough to open up about all that. Glad to hear you have found your happiness.

January 24, 2008
11:30 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Welcome cold feet. This is a very hard subject for me but its one that i have needed to talk about for a very long time.

Just to add to above I left something out. When I was 12 I suffered a miscarriage without no one knowing well I think my ex step father new but he didnt tell anyone becuase that would get him into trouble well anyway a few years later when I told my mother about this I think I was 16 she started literally beating herself up and her husband and my uncle reamed me for telling her and I told me that I should have never done that and told me how selfish I was for it.

January 25, 2008
1:07 am
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Randomwomen2
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its amazing. My mother has done so much wrong to me but yet she calls me every day and complains on how her life is going. She has no right to do that but yet I pretend to feel sorry for her on the phone because I dont want to hurt her feelings. I love my mother but I sure dont like her.

January 25, 2008
10:59 am
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Randomwomen2
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bump

January 25, 2008
12:57 pm
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Randomwomen2
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does anyone have any thoughts???

January 25, 2008
1:53 pm
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netsirk
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((((RW))))
Oh Rw what courage that must have taken to write this post. Families can be so complicated especially when abuse is thrown in. I certainly with there was an easy answer or solution to your pain and problem but I don't have one for you.

Have you talked to anyone about this? A counselor? A freind you trust? A person from church? It might help you if you can talk to someone face to face to get help as well as being here.

January 25, 2008
2:04 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thank you sweetheart. i have always tried to avoid the subject of my mom with everyone. I have talked to my closest friend about it just last night in fact but its still so hard.

January 25, 2008
2:10 pm
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netsirk
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I can imagine how hard it is. I was and still am verbally and emotionally abused by my mom and dad and as a child spanked with a belt til I bled. I've only really started to think about the crap I went thru and it is hard.

January 25, 2008
2:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi, Randomwomen2.

Thanks for sharing your story...I agree with Coldfeet that it took a lot of courage.

I was not as seriously abused as you - however my mother married a very violent man when I was a teen, at 14 I was forced as the oldest to speak for the three of us kids in front of an attorney and tell my real dad that we didn't love him anymore and no longer wanted to see him. One day when I was 16 he stuck his tongue down my throat and I wasn't sticking around for anything more. I was put in places for delinquent kids even though I was an honor student who got in no trouble -- my mother told a psychiatrist right in front of me that she (the psychiatrist) could have me because if it came down to a choice between him and me, he brought income into the house and I did not...

Before she met this man, she was nasty as well. She kicked me out of the house when I was 12 because I'd told a counselor at school how she would put my little brother down (she would order him to get out because "I don't want to see anyone with a penis right now" -- this was when he was young -- 6, 7, 8) -- my paternal grandparents had me live in the apartment downstairs from them by myself, then a couple months later my mom calls and threatens to report my dad and them for kidnapping if they don't bring me back because "she's the custodial parent."

There's more, but for now I'll fast forward to my attempts to relate with her as an adult. My brother as I mentioned in another thread stopped talking to her a long time ago. I decided to stop talking to her for good this past year because I was sick of being called selfish and told that I needed help for, for example, not being able to meet her at a certain day/time and suggesting another. She treats my sister the same way, but they do interact and my sister basically holds it in unless it concerns her kids (my mother told my nephew when he was 6 that if he sinned he would go to hell with Satan, after that my sis didn't let her take him to CCD anymore). Recently she accused my sister's kids (7 and 3) of stealing a change purse and she almost wasn't going to go there for Xmas but she ended up going -- she has a hard time knowing what to do, the kids'll ask about Grandma...

Oh, there's so much more. But I've written a lot already...

RW, in addition to the complaining, etc. is your mother verbally abusing/insulting you today, as an adult? If so...based on my own experience, not having contact is the best way to go. Even if she is not treating you like that today, I still think you'd be justified in cutting off contact. I hope I don't sound insensitive, but...we didn't choose the mothers we got, and if they abused us, where do we owe it to them to continue the relationship?

I am heartened by these recent mother threads...they make me feel much less alone in my experience. You are not alone either, RW. Hugs to you and I will keep checking this thread...

NE

January 25, 2008
3:57 pm
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lewis
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Hi rw. What a shame, you r the casualty of your mother's life. I hope u find peace and happiness in your life.

January 25, 2008
4:22 pm
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StronginHim77
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RW, North and Netsirk -

How amazing that each of you has turned into such a compassionate adult, despite the cruelties and abuses you endured as children!

RW -

Writing about your mother's criminal negligence and mistreatment of you must have been very difficult. I hope this courageous act - beginning this thread - will bring you some well-deserved comfort. It is tragic to see women having children whom they neither want nor love. Most addict-mothers fall into that terrible heading. Your mother is at the top of the list.

I hope you will find your way to safer, more peaceful boundaries with your mother today. Having her call and harass you on a daily basis is totally unjustified. You should not have to endure that. You have endured enough.

I had to step back from a very toxic mother, as well. I do not hate her. She is, after all, my mother. But I do not allow her into my daily life, nor into that of my sons. I tell her NOTHING about myself. We do not speak on the phone. All communications is limited to annual cards with brief note. I must do this, to protect my own mental and emotional well-being.

Your uncle and stepfather were TOTALLY DEAD WRONG in attacking you because she was experiencing "guilt" for what you suffered. My guess is that she was not suffering genuine remorse. Instead, she was putting on a huge, emotional show to garner their sympathy and line them up against you. This kept it "all about her" AND helped salve her conscience by getting those two, foolish men to turn on you on her behalf. She is, indeed, a very sick (and highly manipulative) woman.

I wish you peace and healing. Please keep sharing whatever you feel comfortable posting here about your mother. You have suffered so much. Hearing "safe" input from others on this thread may help you gather your strength for drawing those boundaries with her.

- Ma Strong

January 25, 2008
6:42 pm
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Anonymous
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(((RW))) Ive long been an admirer of your strength to cope with the aftermath of what you suffered. You are strong, courageous and humble about your talents, try hard to overcome your pain and make the best of your life when things go wrong, being empathetic and forgiving towars everyone.

Now being forgiving, IMO, doesn´t mean you have to put up with your mother´s calls. I understand how hard its to be a christian and cut off contact with one´s mother because I had to wait for a spiritual mentor to tell me that I didnt have to visit my grandmother out of pity without her even needing anything. If someone, anyone is toxic to us, certainly we are allowed to keep our sanity at the cost of no contact in order to keep our path of spiritual growth. We are no good after we loose our minds and some people can be so insidious that we only realize it when its too late.

Im so glad that you opened up this thread. My mom is dead but she too was very manipulative. It started with her not wanting another child (me), being depressed and not caring much for me in the way of love. Growing up was difficult as I didnt see eye to eye with her so she construed arguments and situations to "make it all about me", as *Ma* said. When her plans didnt turn out as she wanted, in the interest of all in the family, she became sick and died. She did a lot of harm but behaved so well as the hard working victim that my siblings would anytime ask the Pope to turn her into a saint. Yes, she suffered but much out of her stuborness known as diligence and righteousness to others. She and her mother had a huge/humangous (spelling?) sense of entitlement though a terribly low self esteem. Manipulation is light word for what she and her mother did and Im so glad I can let this out here.

Please, RW, dont understimate your mother. She has more than shown her true self. Notice Im not saying abandon her, avoid her, hurt her, etc. Im saying protect your self so you can keep on the path to growth and happiness with yours truly. Anything you feed your mom on the phone is likely to be turned against you thru misconstruction and hell can be raised if you let out a bad word to her. I hope my 2 cents help you find the strength to maybe change your phone number and make it unlisted. You´re a busy mother who has little time for yourself. Dont waste it with someone that doesnt truly care for you but its probably (consciously or not) only looking out for herself. hugs,

January 25, 2008
6:42 pm
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Celtic1
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((RW and NE)) YOU are amazing women. Please share what is comfortable for you. We are here to listen.

Celtic

January 25, 2008
7:15 pm
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through_the_fire
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Rw,

To post and state what you have about your mom is ......see that, I'm wordless. It's amazing. Something in you in awakening and finding courage to say what is so. Something in you doesn't want to pretend anymore.

I don't know what else to say, except that.

Thanks for posting,

Fire

January 25, 2008
7:45 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thank you all so much for replying back to me. I have been having flashbacks about my mom I think that is what made me write this. It is a very hard subject for me. I spent so many years protecting her to my detriment. The latest flash back that I had was of when i was about 9 she had moved out and got an apartment that was close to me. I would spend half my time with her and half the time with my ex step dad well one time when I was over at her apartment she got naked and told me to do so and showed me how to master-bait. She never touched me that time anyway but that is the one thing I told the cops about later it slipped out and I couldn't cover it up. But they said that if she didnt touch me then there was nothing that I could do. I didnt tell them the many many times she touched me or the time I heard her asking for me to join her and my ex step dad in the room while she was blind folded not knowing that I was already there. I kept these memories all in and didnt tell a soul.

January 25, 2008
7:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Ma Strong,

Thank you for your words of support.

The idea of a brief, annual card seems like a very good one, something I can use for now.

I am in a great relationship, one that we hope will eventually lead to marriage and a family someday (taking these ideas slooooowly!) and I (and my BF) do wonder what to do when that time comes. (He has not met my mom, but has read letters she's written to me and feels much as through_the_fire's husband does -- that my mother is a very, very sick woman and he can absolutely understand why I want no contact.)

My mother alienated herself and, by extension, us kids, both from her own father (I am 35, my maternal grandfather is still living and I have never met him) and from many others both on my dad's side and hers.

When I do have a child or children, I don't want them to feel as though I am barring them from a piece of their heritage by not letting their grandmother into their life. I don't want to poison them early on as my mother did to us.

I also care very much for the man my mother is married to now (the man she was married to in my teens ran off eventually and died soon after, heavy heavy alcoholic), my mom's present husband is genuinely a decent man, I was at his son's wedding, and the thought of not having him at mine just makes me sick inside. But I can't invite him and not her...you know?

Anyway, this stuff is all at the very least a year away because my guy and I aren't rushing. They're just thoughts I have.

Ma if you have any advice on what my sister can do about the way my mom treats her, and how she can explain Grandma's behaviour to her two very smart and perceptive little boys as they get older...I would love to hear it, if you have the time...

Thanks,
NE

January 25, 2008
8:05 pm
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razor
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((((((Randomwoman)))))

January 25, 2008
8:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Celtic...

Thank you!

NE

January 25, 2008
8:10 pm
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Anonymous
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(((RW))))

January 25, 2008
11:10 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am just so afraid that i am going to turn out like her. I already complain too much

January 26, 2008
12:24 am
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red blonde
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RW -

Just be very careful around her with anyone in, and anything about, your life.

My finally had to stop telling my mother my friends names, where they lived, and even about where I worked. Too many instances where she would call friends or work up to gather information on me and use it against me....and then whine to them about me and how I was a bad daughter or whatever. I tried to have no contact with her for almost two years....but word got to me that she had been threatening to harm my immediate family. Of course, they didn't think she was serious...they did not know her like I did...She was....deadly serious.

Have as much limited contact as possible...and do not give her fuel for any fire.

January 26, 2008
8:44 am
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Anonymous
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RW,

I was told by a therapist that the very fact that I was worrying I was turning into her, was evidence that I was NOT turning into her...

January 26, 2008
10:21 am
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[[[randomwoman}}}

You have gone through a lot in your life. If I had a mother like your mother, I think I would forgive her and just put some distance between us. Her being around your life will always remind you of the past and the things she let happen to you. It would be my way of taking back the power I didnt have as a child. Mothers are those who love you and nourish you emotionally, protect you and guide you through life so that you can make good choices. I was somewhat neglected as a child..when I had my children I made up for it and became the best mom I could be so that my children would always feel love and I would have the best relationship with them..they are now 31 and 25 and I am their best friend and role model.

Glad that you have found someone to love you and to build a life together.

I think you are going to be a great mom.

 

 

2bHappy

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