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The Search for the light within
October 10, 2003
1:34 pm
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Joshua Schipper
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September 24, 2010
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I wrote this to try to find out if I'm codependent. My loving family says no my wife and motherinlaw say yes please help.

I tried to answer all of the questions as honestly as I could and I will send this to many people I know to see if I did. I have come to the conclusion that at times in my past I have been “Codependent”, but have also found that that dose not make up who I am and dose not dictate my decisions. I can see others that I know that are, but then again it is hardest to see things in yourself and even harder to ask the question. I have and I feel that I am my own person and that I have and always will know what makes me happy. I love to help others I love to succeed in my goals and also to help those that I know succeed. I have been depressed because try as we might we have not been able to succeed in our goal of a family. That dose not mean that I will give up now or ever anything is possible you can change your viewpoint and look within at the choices you make. I know when I lye I know when I put myself in the position of lying and so I try to not put my self in that position. I have lived for many years with the goal to not regret anything and have found that that is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will love Amy I will never regret loving Amy. I want to be known for who I am and if my actions are not taken as a representation of who I am then I either need to change or communicate those actions differently. It is not any one else’s fault it is up to me to communicate my life and not up to others to hope that they have interpreted it correctly. I make my own choices and those choices affect others I must chose always to try to do no harm and to give to others. I think that this is a good choice and that the more I do this the more that I will be able to live the life that is in everyone the dream that I have seen and the hope that it will come true. The only life you can truly change is your own but you can and should help other walk when they ask and some times even when they don’t. You must also let others fall to learn to pick themselves up. I cannot fix anyone but I can put my arm around any person that is hurt. I have lost that vision of who I wish to be and now will try to regain that. I am a dreamer I think that a dream can be just as real as you make it. I don’t feel that dreaming is not living in reality I feel that dreaming is making your realty your own. To do this you must be truthful and you must be willing to be wrong and know that the only right choice is to keep choosing the best choice you can based on the past you led. This dose not mean that you or others will make the right choice in your viewpoint but that is only one way of looking at it and if you wish to show someone or even yourself your viewpoints you must not hide yourself.
Read on please read to know much on who I am, Also please ask more question because I may not have know the question or the answer.

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
I don not need to be liked by Amy I do not need to have Amy like me. What I need is to be with a partner that loves respects and I would hope that they like me but they definitely do not need to be liked at all times because that will never happen. I know that my good feelings come from doing the right thing and doing all that I can to help the people that I love. That much is true. If the people that I love do not or cannot or do not want to receive that help that is fine I am not dependent on weather they need that or want that help. That part of my personality has been there since I was a baby and my parent have fostered and grown that because they and I think that it is the right thing to help others do whatever there goals are and that if you give of yourself you receive so much more. As the god is in us we can feel happy and if that means to help one and all then that is what I will do until I die. I wish for Amy to like me yes dose it hurt that she doesn’t yes dose it feel good when I she dose like me yes. Dose feeling good require that she likes me no. Feeling good requires that you do good no matter what. god told us that and I feel it to my bones period
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
My approval comes from weather or not I have done the right thing. I know that if I do the right thing and do not gain approval then that is fine because the other person is not me they do not have the same viewpoints as me and to approve of what someone dose you must also approve of if you would do it yourself. If someone approves of my actions, and If I respect them then all that tells me is that I have done the right thing if not I need ask myself was that the right thing to do. Once again people are different and that is fine. Amy dose not approve of many things that I do but I still do them because I know that they are the right things to do, or they just need to be done.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
I will always wish to help others I will always focus my attention on those who need help and it will trouble me if I know someone I love is in pain. It is the right thing to do. One of the most meaningful stories to me is the one of the footprints in that sand. I will carry you I will love you all that I can. If it causes pain or harm to those who cannot help themselves or do not wish to carry you then I must protect them I will not help relieve your pain if you are not willing to also help yourself. I will and have been there for many people and will be the forever not matter what is thrown at me I will stay until I feel that me leaving you to your pain is the better choice. (You being anyone) This is as much apart of my as is the fire that burns in Baleigh and has always been there.
4. My mental attention is focused on you
My mental attention is focused on doing the right thing and in doing the right thing I feel good. My mental attention is focused on many things and in my relationship with Amy I LOVE her and also fear us. We have been fighting to keep this family together and it is true that for a long time that was what I thought would be the right thing to do. But know all I can do is the right thing for myself and not the family and if that means that the family dose not make it then I must look at the fact that if I made honest and loving decisions right or wrong then the family was not what god had chosen for us. I cannot force anyone to see the light within all I can do love and focus on love.
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
As I stated above I will protect anyone if I feel that in protecting them I am not doing more harm then good to them or others. If we do not protect others then life is devoid of the connection that god has evolved us to become. We are there to be there for each other in the hopes that In being there for others then when you need others they will be there for you it is what makes us strong it is what makes us good and evil it is a large part of what makes us human. We must always be there if in being there we do not harm those who can not protect themselves be it because of mental or fiscal. You can not stop a person from crying but you can hug them and in hugging them protect them in the hopes of them not crying any more.
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
I as others will always want things to be done the way that you know to do them. I have always done things in a different way then others and have learned long ago the your way is not the only way. But that being said I do know that I believe in my self and peoples ability to do what ever it is that they put there minds to there are not limitations NO LIMITATIONS. I also know that I can be very stubborn but I am always open to change if that means that you can show me and prove to me that there is another way. I will go down any path there is to be taken but will always return to the path that I know to be the best choice. But you must always know that you may not see why one path is better then another so you must trust others and I will trust anyone. This is another fact of life I will believe that even in evil their is good and even in a bad choice there is a right intention. Everything you know is only true because you know it to be. So therefore since you are not the only one on this planet you have billions of chances to be write or wrong you just have to be open to either.
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
There is no selfless action. All actions have the potential of boosting your self-esteem. It is wrong to do that if they do not wish to have help and if they do not get help from you helping them. I love to do things for others and I do not expect them to do anything in return but of course one likes to get praise back that feels good. I do like to know weather or not what I have done is to them the right choice. I love to please I love to cook I love to make others happy I love to find in myself the warm feeling that it is to be there for others. I will not do it if it means that in the end none has been helped. But many times you do not know that until you try and in trying you must learn and this is the hardest part you must learn when to be there or not. I have a hard time knowing that. But I will keep trying to learn and to be there.
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
It feels good to relieve another’s pain but it is wrong to think highly or higher of your self in reliving another pain. You are not a good person because of the actions you do you are a good person because of the fact that you chose to do the actions you do. This goes for the one above to.
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
My time is spent in making sure I do the right thing and some times that is doing things for myself and some times that is doing thing for others. But I love to figure out problems and puzzles and in that I love to help others figure out problems and puzzles. The hardest part is knowing when they want that help. And if they want help not to-do it for them but to help them only when needed.
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
I feel that sometime if you care so much a bought how you or others look then you are afraid to look within at yourself and are not comfortable with what you are. I can or others can ware anything they want clothes do not make the man. My family has always known that and my children will know that they can be whoever they want to be regardless of what they were. I think this is a BIG one on codependency because it is an easy way to judge others and not feel wrong a bought that judgment.
11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
Your behavior has nothing to do with me unless I have done something to you. And on that point your behavior reflects only on you and not on me because we are our own people and not what others make us to be regardless of what has happened. For instance it is a conches choice to harm another person and if you are not bound by your past then you will make your own choices not the choices of others. If you are conches of your past and the things that were done to you and also that those things were right or wrong then you can make those same choices and know the difference between right and wrong. I am my own person the people I love do not reflect on me. If a preacher goes to jails and love murders and helps them that dose not make him a bad person.
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I have no Idea at any point how Amy will react to one thing or another. I do know when I feel one way or another on what Amy does or does not do. I don’t always voice those feelings because of the fact that I don’t know how Amy will react. I should voice many of those feeling but that is not always going to make the situation better. I want to be able to tell and be told anything I do not judge others for there feelings I do however judge on what they do with those feelings and how they live because of those feelings. Feelings thoughts and emotion are not wrong it is how you make your life better because of it.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
I know what I want, I also now what I do not like or want. I want a family I want to be close to my family. I want to experience others and the life that they lead I love to figure out why people eat or do what they do. I will always try something even if I’ve done it before. I want to help others feel or experience new and amazing things. I want love, I want sex, I want to laph, I want to cry, I want to have babies, I wan to die, I want to grow old, I want to live. We have been given so much I need so little I only expect to use what I have to it’s fullest.
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
Of course my dreams are linked to Amy all I dream of is to be with a partner and grow and become more and have more dream and help and be helped in our own dreams. It is wrong to get lost in an others dreams if that is not your dream also. You must know what you want within.

15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
Yes this is one of my biggest faults I do not want to be rejected I do not want to give it my all and have it not be the right path. I also am not afraid of fear I will still try even if I’m rejected. I my dealing with people I have found that I’m very different and that that is ok I will be rejected I will be different and I will change. My goals are to not have anything left undone do to the fear of rejection. If you don’t walk up and talk to the other person you will never know if they will talk back.
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
Yes I do fear that Amies anger will be unleashed at any point. That even the most good intentioned actions are only taken for the worst of the outcomes and not the best hopes of the action. That no matter what I do you will not see the good in me or my actions because it helps you to be safe in your world.
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
No when I give it is to try to bridge the gap not to be safe. It is to help myself and or to help us and or our family and or you. I can not by your love I know that.
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
Yes I have no social circle. I think this is not do to my choice but do to the fact that I have kids and not a partner to create a social circle with. Amy wants to escape from our situation and hers and not to build any of her friends into our friends. If she did she would not want to be with so many of her friend without us.
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
Some Times yes I do thing I don’t want but rarely if ever do they not sit outside of my values. I want to be loved and in a hope to be with you I try to do things that you like but I don’t always wish to do.
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
I do value your opinion but I don’t value it more then my own I try to make sure that you’re opinion is heard as well as my own. If you chose to help someone what good is it if you don’t even listen to what they think.
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
Yes the quality of my life is in relation to yours but not dependent’s on your quality of life. For a long time I was very dependent on your happiness but I found that that did not make us happy but rather hurt us more often then not.
There is a newsgroup frequented by those inerested in the subject of codependency: alt.recovery.codependency

October 10, 2003
1:39 pm
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Joshua Schipper
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In also took this test I am who I am I think my wife need to take this test but she says I lide because she could not put as many zeros as I did.

Question Anwer
Codependents may,
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny. 0
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem. 0
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings. 0
4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective. 0
5. Anticipate other people's needs 1
6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them. 0
7. Don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves. 0
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important. 0
9. Try to please others instead of themselves. 1
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves. 0
11. Feel safest when giving. 0
12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them. 0
13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them. 0
14. Find themselves attracted to needy people. 1
15. Find needy people attracted to them. 2
16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help. 0
17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else. 1
8. Over commit themselves. 2
19. Feel harried and pressured. 0
20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them. 0
21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in. 0
22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do. 0
23. Believe other people are making them crazy. 0
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used. 0
25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics. 0
Low Self Worth
Codependents tend to:
1. Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families. 0
2. Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional. 0
3. Blame themselves for everything. 0
4. Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave. 0
5. Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves. 1
6. Reject compliments or praise 0
7. Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation) 0
8. Feel different from the rest of the world. 2
9. Think they're not quite good enough. 0
10. Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves. 2
11. Fear rejection. 1
12. Take things personally. 1
13. Have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism. 0
14. Feel like victims. 0
15. Tell themselves they can't do anything right. 0
16. Be afraid of making mistakes. 0
17. Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions. 0
18. Have a lot of "shoulds". 1
19. Feel a lot of guilt. 0
20. Feel ashamed of who they are. 0
21. Think their lives are not worth living. 0
22. Try to help other people live their lives instead. 0
23. Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others. 0
24. Get strong feelings of low self-worth ---embarrassment, failure, etc...from other people's failures and problems. 0
25. Wish good things would happen to them. 1
26. Believe good things never will happen. 0
27. Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness. 0
28. Wish others would like and love them. 1
29. Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them. 0
30. Try to prove they're good enough for other people. 1
31. Settle for being needed. 0
Repression
Many Codependents:
1. Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt. 0
2. Become afraid to let themselves be who they are. 0
3. Appear rigid and controlled. 0
Obsession
Codependents tend to:
1. Feel terribly anxious about problems and people. 0
2. Worry about the silliest things. 0
3. Think and talk a lot about other people. 0
4. Lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior. 0
5. Worry 0
6. Never Find answers. 0
7. Check on people. 0
8. Try to catch people in acts of misbehavior. 0
9. Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems. 0
10. Abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something. 0
11. Focus all their energy on other people and problems. 1
12. Wonder why they never have any energy. 0
No I know Why
13. Wonder why they can't get things done. 0
Controlling
Many codependents:
1. Have lived through events and with people that were out 1
of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
2. Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally. 0
3. Don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control. 0
4. Think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave. 0
5. Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. 0
6. Eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger. 0
7. Get frustrated and angry. 0
8. Feel controlled by events and people. 0
Denial
Codependents tend to:
1. Ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening. 1
2. Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are. 2
3. Tell themselves things will be better tomorrow. 1
4. Stay busy so they don't have to think about things. 0
5. Get confused. 0
6. Get depressed or sick. 0
7. Go to doctors and get tranquilizers or pain killers. 0
8. Become workaholics. 0
9. Spend money compulsively. 0
10. Overeat. 0
11. Pretend those things aren't happening either. 0
12. Watch problems get worse. 0
13. Believe lies. 0
14. Lie to themselves. 0
15. Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy. 0
Dependency
Many codependents:
1. Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. 0
2. Look for happiness outside themselves. 1
3. Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness. 0
4. Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness. 0
5. Didn't feel love and approval from their parents. 0
6. Don't love themselves. 0
7. Believe other people can't or don't love them. 0
8. Desperately seek love and approval. 2
9. Often seek love from people incapable of loving. 1
10. Believe other people are never there for them. 2
11. Equate love with pain. 0
12. Feel they need people more than they want them. 0
13. Try to prove they're good enough to be loved. 1
14. Don't take time to see if other people are good for them. 0
15. Worry whether other people love or like them. 1
16. Don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people. 0
17. Center their lives around other people. 1
18. Look for relationships to provide all their good feelings. 1
19. Lost interest in their own lives when they love. 0
20. Worry other people will leave them. 0
21. Don't believe they can take care of themselves. 0
22. Stay in relationships that don't work. 2
23. Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them. 0
24. Feel trapped in relationships. 2
25. Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either. 1
26. Wonder if they will ever find love. 0
Poor Communication
Codependents frequently:
1. Blame 0
2. Threaten 0
3. Coerce 2
4. Beg 1
5. Bribe 0
6. Advise 1
7. Don't say what they mean. 0
8. Don't mean what they say. 0
9. Don't know what they mean. 0
10. Don't take themselves seriously. 0
11. Think other people don't take the codependents seriously. 0
12. Take themselves too seriously. 0
13. Ask for what they want and need indirectly --- sighing, for example. 1
14. Find it difficult to get to the point. 1
15. Aren't sure what the point is. 0
16. Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect. 1
17. Try to say what they think will please people. 0
18. Try to say what they think will provoke people. 0
19. Try to say what they hop will make people do what they want them to do. 0
20. Eliminate the word NO from their vocabulary. 0
21. Talk too much. 2
22. Talk about other people. 0
23. Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts. 0
24. Say everything is their fault. 0
25. Say nothing is their fault. 1
26. Believe their opinions don't matter. 0
27. Want to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions. 1
28. Lie to protect and cover up for people they love. 0
29. Have a difficult time asserting their rights. 0
30. Have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately. 0
31. Think most of what they have to say is unimportant. 0
32. Begin to talk in Cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways. 0
33. Apologize for bothering people. 0
Weak Boundaries
Codependents frequently:
1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people. 0
2. Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do. 0
3. Let others hurt them. 1
4. Keep letting others hurt them. 1
5. Wonder why they hurt so badly. 0
6. Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there. 0
7. Finally get angry. 0
8. Become totally intolerant. 0
Lack of Trust
Codependents
1. Don't trust themselves. 0
2. Don't trust their feelings. 0
3. Don't trust their decisions. 0
4. Don't trust other people. 0
5. Try to trust untrustworthy people. 1
6. Think God has abandoned them. 0
7. Lose faith and trust in God. 0
Anger
Many Codependents:
1. Feel very scared, hurt, and angry 1
2. Live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry. 2
3. Are afraid of their own anger. 1
4. Are frightened of other people's anger. 0
5. Think people will go away if anger enters the picture. 0
6. Feel controlled by other people's anger. 1
7. Repress their angry feelings. 1
8. Think other people make them feel angry. 0
9. Are afraid to make other people feel anger. 0
10. Cry a lot, get depressed, overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts. 0
11. Punish other people for making the codependents angry. 0
12. Have been shamed for feeling angry. 0
13. Place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry. 0
14. Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness. 0
15. Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings. 0
16. Wonder if they'll ever not be angry. 0
Sex Problems
Some codependents:
1. Are caretakers in the bedroom. 0
2. Have sex when they don't want to. 1
3. Have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved. 1
4. Try to have sex when they're angry or hurt. 0
5. Refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner 0
6. Are afraid of losing control. 0
7. Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed. 0
8. Withdraw emotionally from their partner. 0
9. Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner. 0
10. Don't talk about it. 0
11. Force themselves to have sex, anyway. 0
12. Reduce sex to a technical act. 0
13. Wonder why they don't enjoy sex. 0
14. Lose interest in sex. 0
15. Make up reasons to abstain. 0
16. Wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings. 0
17. Have sexual fantasies about other people. 1
18. Consider or have an extramarital affair. 0
Miscellaneous
Codependents tend to:
1. Be extremely responsible. 0
2. Be extremely irresponsible. 0
3. Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice. 0
4. Find it difficult to feel close to people. 0
5. Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous. 0
6. Have an overall passive response to codependency -- crying, hurt, helplessness. 0
7. Have an overall aggressive response to codependency -- violence, anger, dominance. 1
8. Combine passive and aggressive responses. 1
9. Vacillate in decisions and emotions. 0
10. Laugh when they feel like crying. 0
11. Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts. 0
12. Be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems. 0
13. Be confused about the nature of the problem. 0
14. Cover up, lie, and protect the problem. 1
15. Not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough. 0
16. Wonder why the problem doesn't go away. 0
Progressive
In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
1. Feel lethargic. 0
2. Feel depressed. 0
3. Become withdrawn and isolated. 0
4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure. 0
5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities. 0
6. Feel hopeless. 0
7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in. 0
8. Think about suicide. 0
9. Become violent. 0
10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill. 0
11. Experience an eating disorder (over- or under eating) 0
12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs. 0
I had to go through this list and do the following:
Mark each characteristic with a 0 if it is never a problem for you.
Mark the characteristic with a 1 if it is occasionally a problem, and Mark it with a 2 if it is frequently a problem.

October 10, 2003
2:32 pm
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gingerleigh
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Are you unhappy in your life? What spawned this research into codependency? What's happening in your life right now?

October 10, 2003
2:45 pm
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Joshua Schipper
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Me and my wife are so very different to put it clinicly she is an ocd I'm ADD she comes from a bad split I come from a 30 year marrage.

She just cant see how I could do the things I do and not feel the way she does. She tels me I'm in denial and totaly personaly unawahre. I cannot argue with her some how it always gets to what I do what is wrong with me and never dose it ever tuch on what she might be doing.I love her but she never changes any of the distructive habits in her life and says that many of the are do to me. Her and her mom who goes to cod.. help meetings tell me I'm codeppendent so I'm finding out everything I can to grow change move on what ever I can to live like this I want a partner not a shadow in the nightt.

October 10, 2003
6:03 pm
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free
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This is hard to follow. Is there a specific question or concern that you are trying to address? This read like a rant. Sometimes ranting is a release. What kind of feedback are you looking for?

free

October 10, 2003
9:24 pm
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Joshua Schipper
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September 24, 2010
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did I do the right thing

October 10, 2003
9:45 pm
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mj
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September 29, 2010
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Hi Joshua...do you think you did the right thing?

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