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The Roots of my Codie-ness
April 7, 2007
6:45 pm
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atalose
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I have realized for a long time now that my mother is extremely codie. I understand where my own codie has come from. The problem is I am working on mine and my mother is not. Her NEED to help, fix and take care of is over flowing these days in my direction. She has wrapped herself in helping an older gentleman whom she drives along with my dad to church on Sundays. She has known this man for 40 years but not until these past few years has she wrapped herself around his life. He has a niece who lives not far from here, he has the church helping him with his finances so that leaves his meals and other things up to my mother or so she ASSUMES. She is forcing herself and her help on this man who does not want it. She feels he doesn’t have enough food in his house so she takes it upon herself to bring him meals and make sure his refrigerator is full. What she doesn’t or won’t accept is that he is almost blind and doesn’t cook or have anything other then a pot on his stove to re-heat things. He has chosen a path that works for him by getting his meals from a deli down stairs from where he lives they bring him his food everyday. She doesn’t feel that is enough. She is not wanting to understand her good deeds are going to waste and he is resenting her control. He has a difficult time walking and walks with a walker. He is comfortable with his routine and being in his apartment. She is forcing this man to come to her house tomorrow for Easter dinner. He has attempted several times to thank her but feels he should just head home after church. She is insisting and not thinking beyond her own need to help. She is not thinking of his feelings or the fact he will have a hard time getting up the stairs to use the bathroom. Now, she is not feeling all that well (something she uses often to get me to do for her the things she choices not to do for herself) so now she wants me to drive them to church and pick them up and make sure he comes to our house. I nicely explained that I was not a kidnapper and would not force him to do what he doesn’t want to do. She is mad at me and sees me as uncaring for both her and this poor older man. Last weekend she had me go bring him food because again she didn’t feel well. I showed up thinking he knew I was coming but he didn’t and expressed to me how he knows my mother is trying to help but it’s not helping him because the food goes to waste. He thanked me and expressed to also thank my mother but to tell her no more. So, I express this to her and her attitude is she knows what’s best for him, he doesn’t.
So tomorrow should be interesting because I know she will go and pick them up at church and make him come to her house and then expect me to be there all day in case he needs help going upstairs to the bathroom.
I know she was my example of how and where I learned the codie behavior but now I see her more as my warning!!! I guess it helps to realize that behavior in others and then use it to help me avoid those things in my life and that kind of treatment towards others. Guess I needed to vent, thanks…..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 7, 2007
6:50 pm
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mj
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How frusturating for you. I hope that you learn boundaries with your mom!

April 7, 2007
8:45 pm
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Loralei
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atalose, thank you for posting that. It reminds me of my own mother in some ways. She was not that extreme, but she did have some of those traits and I, in turn, have "inherited" some as well. It really does help me to see examples of this behavior in others because I can then recognize it in myself.

We are taught so many things that help to make us co-dep. We are taught to be generous and not selfish, to think of others first, to always take a backseat to what everyone else wants, etc. It's like those cartoons we see of the boyscout trying to help an old lady across the street against her will. Sometimes people just like to do things on their own if nothing more than to have a feeling of accomplishment. Too much help is not a good thing. Thanks again for the message.

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