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the roller coaster ride begins again
January 19, 2001
8:53 pm
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miles
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My husband and I have been together for 7 years and he is the Angry one and I am the one who tries to calm everthing in front of the kids ,If he's tired I am garenteed that there will be a fight If some one made him angry at work there will be a fight He really loves to put me down anything that I like or and doing is nothing and I should shut up before I really tick him off .Then in a split second he is completly wonderful and what is my problem .I'm being BITCHY I hate that word and he knows it and uses it just to make me angry so he can say i ama the one with the problem

January 19, 2001
10:34 pm
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Helenof Troy
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Miles..I went thru that recently where he would say the most condescending and rude things to me that would hurt and the next minute he would be the most loving person in the world which confused the hell out of me to the point where I had to seek counseling and see what was wrong with the whole scenario. Well...the answer is YOU. What do YOU want in a relationship? How do YOU want to be treated? How do YOU feel love should be? YOU are the most important person ALWAYS! If this person does not meet up to this criteria of what you feel you need then you definately have to step back and I mean HAVE TO & re-evaluate your relationship with this man. I tell you...counseling is your best bet..and also communicating. Tell him how ALL OF IT makes you feel,..if he discounts it then there is your answer. Sometimes we never listen to OUR OWN VOICE or our GUT INSTINCTS inside because we feel this need to make things work or we are in denial of some sort to make things fit when they feel like they don't. Really step back. That is my advice. Cause RESPECT IS THE KEY factor to any relationship that is loving and long term. I wish you the best. I am on my second counseling session and already feel my sense of worth & freedom. Just to let you know that there is hope when you think you're stuck in a bad situation. Also check out Dr Irene's Verbal abuse website. (www.drirene.com) There you will find others like you that you can relate to. Good luck to you, Miles.

January 20, 2001
7:35 am
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janes
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so get off the roller coaster. Noone can MAKE you choose to keep riding.

since there are kids involved it's a lot more complex. But stay or go HOW YOU REACT to his baiting, meanness and spite is up to you.

You cannot (CANNOT) change him. Only he can do that. What you can do is change you.

I agree with the above post. Step back. Instead of reacting in anger... instead of joining him in the fight...Step back and watch.

Where is his payoff for starting fights?

I don't want to excuse his behavior but is his self esteem low? Is he from an abusive family? Does bipolar disroder/depression or some other mental health issue run in his family. Some people thrive on having other reacting emotionally all the time.

Whatever...if he thinks he has the key (the word bitchy) desensitize yourself.
Say the word over and over --write it 1000 times. Finnd a way, within yourself, to take this key word away from him.

Besides...so what if you are a bitch. You could be a nymphomaniac or a serial killer...but you aren't.

I'd be a bitch too if I was always being put down.

Like what you like. Stop buying into his problems.

And seek a counselor. It is truly amazing what that third party can do for us.

I like Dr Irene's website too. Just reading the posts that she has responded to is a learning experience.

Remember for some reason he gets a big payoff for keeping you on this emotional roller coaster.

You don't have to ride it again. It's your choice how you respond to his stupid anger.

Just what would he do if when he got angry you calmly looked at him and just didn't respond.

Would he be embarassed if you stayed calm and the kids saw him looking so stupid?

How old are the kids...do you work...and what ages are you and hubby?

Work on you...keep your self esteem strong. You are wise enough to know this isn't good behavior. Now take steps to react to him in the most positive, calmest way possible.

Don't let him "get your goat."

January 24, 2001
8:03 pm
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Molly
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Before I left, I had found a good therapist, she frequently counselled police officers and their wives. Apparently domestic violence is real common, and it starts with the verbal games, once you learn about verbal abuse it will become clear to you how they do get a pay off, they do get controll, and then there is the drama stuff which some are addicted to. However, the best one sentence advice she gave me was to react different to his comments. It takes two to play the game, and what will he do if you do not play his game. A disinterested , oh, I'm sorry were you talking to me? Ignore the words that hurt, hard, and it takes practice. My guy loved to call me a victim, boy I would fly across the room with that one, just to prove I wasn't . But when I started to ignore, and not empower his words, his anger, his fits, I swear, one time he was all worked up right after he walked in the door, and I said if you can't be social right now, why don't you go lay down for a while? It just stopped and he went up to the bedroom for a while, and I acted just like nothing happened, you know like a man. When he goes on a monologue of yada yada yada, pardon me were you saying something. Of course you need to be certain he won't get physical, but always remember it takes two.

January 25, 2001
8:38 pm
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pg lova
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Miles,

It seems to me that he is a lot like my former college roommate. He seems to have been hurt a lot in his life and while he has good intentions, he ends up doing just the opposite. He seems to be the type who just can't handle anger. You have been a wondeful wife I hear. Therefore, my advice would be for you to tell him to either get help or you're gone. If he loves you like I'm sure he'll get the help. Well, be strong and take care of yourself.

God Bless U
(PG Lova)

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