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The Right Place At Last
July 30, 2005
6:59 pm
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theseboots
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Hello Everyone! I am a new member and I am overjoyed at having found this site. I have been treated for depression for 10 years. It always felt bad but something else. Last night I started surfing mental health sites as I just need to know why an interlligent, rationale woman would do things I do. I think this is it, I am a Co-Dependnt. I feel so good just having found other people that feel like me. I will probably be on this chat line a lot as I am just starting to feel I might be on the right track now I have an answer. My husband left me 8 weeks ago and I have physically worked myself into one of my chronic pain situations. I am trying to read the different threads with all the information different people have posted. I feel almost euphoric that I am not alone! Sounds terrible and I Understand how people are feeling but I thought I was crazy even when the doctor kept reassuring me I was not. Im a Co-dependant. With all the support and coping techniques I have read so far I am on my way to being healed I hope. Don't expect to much as yesterday and today I have been desperate and that is why I am here I had to find some answers and I think this is the place. For all of you who are suffering I wish you well and for those of you who seem on the road to healing I hope I can learn the lessons and methods you have learned.

July 30, 2005
7:58 pm
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theseboots
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Hello Out There. I introduced myself a couple of hours ago and started this thread. It is not that interesting yet as I am to exhausted to start my story. Isn't someone supposed to acknowledge my thread with something like - Welcome, Feel Free to express yourself we are your new support system? Just kidding! I am anxious to start chatting but to tired to do much that watch the discussions today. I really need you people so I hope I catch on pretty quick!

July 30, 2005
8:04 pm
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D dog
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Hey Boots -

Good call on coming to this site! All here will embrace you, and help you with any issues you may have. I can honestly say (not to be a downer, but...) this site has actually saved my life.

We all have different issues here, so just be patient..sometimes it takes people a while to absorb your situation, and to feel capable of a helpful reply.

For example, I am too messed up right now to help, but just wanted to say, hey! And welcome.

I am sure that more replies are forthcoming!

Take care -
D dog

July 30, 2005
8:10 pm
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flossie
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and some of us are in different time zones!! hope you find what you are looking for....

July 30, 2005
8:11 pm
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D dog
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Hey Boots - I guess I'm not THAT messed up...just trying to get over a horrible breakup. If you want to tell your story, I am listening...

dog

July 30, 2005
8:21 pm
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Anonymous
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I just wanted to say "HI!". Welcome to the site. I, too, think it is great and it has helped me a lot. Not only did I receive such valuable advice but knowing that I am not alone in my feelings has been so comforting. Generally, I don't share my thought/feelings with friends for fear that they would think I am crazy or needy. But here, I feel comfortable. Well again, I just wanted to say welcome and I will write again. P.S. I, too, am codependent and suffer bouts of depression. THe book "Codependent No More" helped me a lot. IN terms of my depression, I do not see a therapist but I know I need to. I have been in therapy before and did not find it too helpful.(3 separate occassions) Well anyway, share with us your story. We are here to support you.

July 30, 2005
8:26 pm
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gingerleigh
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These boards tend to get more activity during the week, so hang in there, people are out there! Sometimes we just have to tear ourselves away from the computer every now and then *grin* I mean come on, a girl's gotta eat, sleep, and, um... go potty? Although I *do* have wireless in my house now, and a laptop, so...

Oh dear.

Anyway, welcome to the site.

July 30, 2005
8:27 pm
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D dog
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Boots -

cyber hugs:

(((BOOTS))))

Talk to us, we're here. You, too, Yankeefan! (God, I LOVE Derek Jeter!!!)

:o)

July 30, 2005
8:28 pm
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lollipop3
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Dearest theseboots,

Welcome, feel free to express yourself, we are your new support system. LOL....just kidding. I'm glad to see that you are keeping your sense of humor, which in my opinion is so important.

On a more serious note, I'm glad that you found this site. It is a wonderful place to come for support, encouragement and wisdom....and also.... to occationally have some laughs.

The people here have been so wonderful to me and so helpful in my recovery from codependence. I truely hope you have the same experience.

Take care,

Lolli

July 30, 2005
8:30 pm
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D dog
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Hey, Ginger! Weren't you battling the alcohol abuse thing? I only ask cuz I'm in that place right now. How has it turned out? Please share, cuz I'm buzzed AND FEELING OH-SO-ALONE.

D dog

July 30, 2005
10:31 pm
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exoticflower
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theseboots, welcome. And you know, these threads deal with ALL aspects of mental health and life-issues, not just codependancy. it's also a great place to seek support regarding depression, personal problems, personality issues, guilt, resentment, and to share joy and hope.

I only wish I had a basket of muffins to stick a card in saying that for you...very welcome commity soundng, isn;t it?:) Great to see you here.

July 30, 2005
10:59 pm
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starkist1956
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keep the coffee on.... and the threads comming it really helps to reach out to others..welcome

July 30, 2005
11:09 pm
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Anonymous
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Welcome Boots! Isn't it great to know you are NOT alone??? People are honest and straightforward here, offer eye-opening advice, and are an awesome support system. And sometimes, if needed, will give you a swift kick in the butt:)

Glad you found us...looking forward to hearing more about you.

July 31, 2005
12:13 am
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theseboots
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I took a break from reading and had a bite to eat and took time to play with my puppies (actually my dogs puppies but we share.

My hurt is really fresh as I did not talk with my husband for some time when he first left.

He took a lot of material things but worst of all I keep thinking about if I could fix it. As I said the only thing that seems to keep me sane is physical work which I am suppose to pace but it has been my only distraction.

After reading these pages I made up a number of signs saying, "Don't You Dare" and taped one to my phone and one to my computer. Hopefully I can hang in there not call and get some strength by dignity.

My problem is he still drops by. Every time he comes he wants something else and I usually let him take it and then kick myself after.

After my second posting today I emailed him and told him not to come here anymore. Not to contact me anymore. I was not going to give him anymore items or money so there was not point in coming.

Right now I have 4 puppies here that are 4 weeks old. They are worth $500.00 dollars each. I did not tell him there were puppies until about 3 weeks ago. The next day he was here wanting a share of the puppy money. I was going to give it to him in fact I said I would give it to him. I am so proud I was even able to tell him in the email he was not getting puppies or puppy money or any other money.

This is the 29th year I have been with this man. We have been married for 15 years and he left me on our 15th wedding anniversary.

I really have been blamining myself for everything and I am guilty of a lot but boy did I take a lot. I realize now that I always loved him more than he loved me and I am not sure he loved me I just made better money than he did.

He cleaned out our joint bank account to make a down payment on a house. He bought the house while he was still living with me. When I asked him where he had been one week-end he said he bought a house. I was stunned and asked with what ($). He told me with our Line of Credit. $10,000.00 dollars. The next day I went to the bank but they said I was responsible until he paid it back. I opened a single account applied for an overdraft and a line of credit. The overdraft was approved and I could use it right away but the Line of Credit could not be used until he paid the $10,000.00 to the bank.

I was frantic about what I would do if I had to pay that money back. I am on disability and I get by.

Everytime he came here or called or I called him I asked about the money. He came here last week because he did pay the bank by putting the $10,000.00 on his credit card. He said he owed $1000.00 for interest alone on the credit card and could not get an overdraft or line of credit because he did not make enough money. I think it was because the loan officer knew us both and thought what he did was wrong saw how worried I was and just decided he may not be trust worthy.

I was so obsessed with him I gave up all my friends years ago. I have always paid 1/2 and more of what either of us bought and he has never wined or dined me. After 14 years of that I married him.

He is older than my mother and had checked with Vetran Affairs and was under the impression he was going to get a big monthly cheque from them when he left me. On the last visit he made he said they turned him down and would only pay for his medicines.

Before this I paid for his medicines.

When I called him yesterday (right now I can't remember why) the conversation ended horribly and when I tried to call back he did not answer the phone. That is how I came to search the internet to see what was wrong with me and found this site.

This is what is really unbeleivable If he came to the door and wanted to come home I would let him and just do whatever to hold on to him.

Some of you are saying CODA Meetings! Can anyone tell me how to access them? I can't let myself get back in this realtionship with my husband. I have found a Depression and Manic Depression Group but I tried something like that before and I just do not relate. My depression is because I do not have any self esteem. I see Emotions Anonymous with a phone number has anyone been to that is it a possability? Any other suggestions.

I forgot to tell you the day my husband left he called the domestic abuse line and tried to have me commited. I guess swearing at him was abusive but when I read the list of what abuse is it was the story of my life only I was on the recieveing end.

My doctor talked to me and said there was not anyway I needed to be committed and it was a ploy to get a couple of weeks in the house to do whatever. The doctors recommended treatment was to get to the bank and close the joint account.

It was all so horrible and I feel like everyone knows about me and what he is saying about me (that I am crazy). I guess I am if I consider what my relationship with him has been.

Other than this horrible over whelming relationship my life is pretty good.

I do not want to be available if he comes back. I would go on vacation but I have these puppies for another 3 weeks so I can't do that immediately.

I need your support to make this the final break with him. I need to move on.

To any of you young people that are pineing for someone who is emotionally unavailable I want to tell you this. I have been with this man 29 years, I am 60 years old and I am now trying to start over and I have to learn about self esteem. I have a good education and had a very good responsible job. PLEASE SEE THESE RELATIONSHIPS YOUR INVOLVED IN AS WHAT THEY REALLY ARE, THEY ARE LIFE DESTROYING.

Thanks again everyone. Because of your support I can go to bed tonight feeling like I might be able to handle things now.

July 31, 2005
9:00 am
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Okay,

Welcome to this site, hope it will bring you the wisdom and revelation you are looking for.

Maybe this info below will get you started ("these boots are meant for walking, huh?" - just a song I can remember from when I was a teen ...). I got it from Robin Norwood's book :"Women who love too much". Don't know if the phone number is still up-to-date since I am from overseas. But you can always give it a try if you like.

Co-Dependents Anonymous
P.O. Box 33577
Phoenix, AZ 85067-3577
(602)-277-7991

July 31, 2005
1:52 pm
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theseboots
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[email protected]

Thank you for the information. I have made a list of various books that were mentioned on this site and I am going to the library to see what I can get there. (today)

I read some of the other threads and [email protected] you seem to get around to leaving messages for a lot of people. It is always pretty good sound advice. I hope you will be around on this line while I am still here.

I don't know your experience but you sound either on the road or recovered.

Does a person ever quit being codependant? i.e. Will I eventually get over it with knowledge or am I going to have these feelings just below the surface the rest of my life.

This is a wonderful chat line some of the threads I have thought boy I would not put up with that! In seconds I realize I did put up with it. The majority of what I have read is just like me but now I know I am not the only one and that is comforting. Not that I would wish this on someone but I just could not identify why I was like I was and thought I must be loosing it. Now it is clear and I am going to do something about it.

Thanks again everyone.

August 1, 2005
12:05 am
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lost and found
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boots, so glad to hear from you and welcome to the site. on the question, do you get over being codependant.... me, personally i know i automatically think codependant thoughts in certain situations..i have learned to recognize them and change my reactions. but the codependancy is always lurking...ha ha

i am so sorry to hear about your current breakup and the way it came about. that would be tought to take for anybody.

August 1, 2005
11:16 am
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gingerleigh
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Hey D Dog. Yes, battling the alcohol. Still. Went 2 weeks without drinking, and then started up again, and don't have the drive or reason to stop. The only light I've been looking forward to is this vacation I have planned this week. Starting tomorrow I go for a musical "retreat" where we do nothing but play music for a week. I am hoping that this will jerk me out of my hole I've been getting mighty comfy in. Thanks for asking after me.

August 1, 2005
11:56 am
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vesper
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Boots, I am also fairly new to the site. Just started chatting last week. I was in a relationship much like yours years ago. I did get over being co-dependent. I'm in a great relationship now, so there is hope out there. I noticed no one else suggested this, but get an attorney!!!! I work with people going through a divorce and what he is doing to you is wrong. Keep to your guns about not allowing him access to your money, possessions, etc. The courts will sort this out for you. Welcome to the site.

August 2, 2005
7:45 am
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Anonymous
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I just wanted to write to offer some support to you. Reading your posts, I could feel your pain yet at the same time I already see some of the positive steps that you have taken. Another step that I would take if I were you, would be to change the locks. Why is he free to come in and out as he pleases? I agree with the person who said contact a lawyer. He is clearly taking advantage of you (financially speaking). Print out the reponse that you wrote on July 31st and reread it constantly. You need to be reminded of all the pain that he caused you. You must tell yourself that you were given one life and that you deserve so much better. You may need help discovering why your self esteem is so low that you would tolerate such a toxic relationship. You said in your post that you have no friends. Why don't you contact some of your old friends again - you will be surprised how forgiving some of them will be. Most of all, be strong. Get out and meet new people and make new contacts. I know this is easier said than done because you have been emeshed in such a long term relationship. But it is possible. You need him OUT of your life so you could begin your life. You said you wrote notes such as DONT YOU DARE. That is a great idea. How about a sign all over your house that says I DESERVE BETTER. You know intellectually that you do deserve better. This man killed your spirit. Take back your power and start building up self-esteem. I know you could do it. Please keep in touch. We will all be here to support you.

Yankee fan.

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