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The Rage Inside Me
January 17, 2008
11:51 am
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Black Butterfly
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Im so angry. My heart is filled with sadness and hate. I feel like I can't talk to anyone in my family, on both sides. Sometimes I feel like i dont have place here anymore. My father died March 22, 2007 I'll never forget that day. My heart was broken. And I cant fix it back. I'm trying to go on but im lost. I know he's gone but I cant let go. I have so many regrets things I should have done or said that I cant do or say now. I didn't spend as much time with him as I should of I guess thats part of the guilt. I feel like the worst person in the world. I also made some bad some bad decisions during this process.I dnt know what I was thinking.Its like Icare for no one not even myself at times. I feel like I cant trust anyone. I have no friends because i feel like I put out and try to be real or keep it 100%, and I get nothing in return. I need I real Friend I can count on when I feel like this. I may have one, but Im not feeling that way rght now. This is my point of view someone else would probaly say Im crazy for thinking like that but rght now i just dont know. Im at a lost. I so Angry its like im mad at the world.

January 17, 2008
12:13 pm
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(((Black Butterfly)))

I'm so sorry that your father died and you are left with many regrets. I felt that way when my mother died some years ago. And then, this feeling came to me, that at the moment of death (if not before) a parent knows and understands how much you really loved them and how sorry you feel for anything that wasn't right between you.

I had a feeling of peace come over me, that my mother forgave everything and knew how much I loved her. I hope you can feel something like that about your dad, and that your regrets can be softened and eventually be replaced by peace.

take good care of yourself......

January 17, 2008
12:23 pm
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_anonymous
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I know how you feel. I lost my kids dad this past June. Felt like unfinished business and words that were unspoken. It is a knife in the heart that sticks there. You are going through the grieving process. Anger, shock, denial, bargaining are all the normal stages that one goes in and out of until they reach the stage of acceptance. We all need friends we can count on. Someone to ease the pain.

Peace,

Destiny

January 17, 2008
2:10 pm
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Celtic1
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((Black Butterfly))
Keep posting. Someone is always here to be a friend.

Celtic

January 24, 2008
11:28 am
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Black Butterfly
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Thanks for all your support it really helps.

January 24, 2008
10:31 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((((Black Butterfly))))),

I can really empathize with your situation and know that you are not alone in your feelings.

My Dad died suddenly in 1996 and I didn't get time to say good bye. It was very hard at first, but things got better eventually. I still have moments when I remember things about him and just bawl, but that is part of loving someone.

I also lost my father in law last year while his son and I were divorcing. He had been like a father to me and we were very close. Because of the circimstances between my ex and I, I wasn't able to be there with him for the final months of his life. Eventhough he was in hospice, I wasn't able to talk to him. He died before I could tell him so many things that I wanted to.

Here is something I do that has helped me find peace when someone close to me dies.

I pick out a candle that reminds me of them. Sometimes it is the place I buy it from, sometimes it is the color of the candle or the scent or sometimes it is just picked at random with no other reason other than I just couldn't make up my mind, so grabbed the closest one.

Then I find a place where I am comfortable. Sometimes it is a place where I feel especially connected to that person, sometimes its just a place where I feel safe that has nothing more to do with the person I am focusing on. Sometimes I have a picture of a place that reminds me of them, or a place I wanted to take them but never did. Whatever feels right at the time is what I do.

Then I hold the candle and think of all the things that I wanted to tell them, do with them, ways I wanted to treat them, memories of them etc. I imagine that all those thoughts dissolve into the wax of the candle. I continue this process sometimes for a few moments, sometimes for a few days (for the longer times, I take breaks). Once I feel like I have thought of all I can at the moment, I light the candle. As I do this I imagine that the flame, heat and smoke carries my thoughts, feelings and wishes to them. I release all of this to the Universe/Higher Power to carry to them. I then allow the candle to burn all the way out on its own. (For safety, I place it in a baking dish in my fireplace (or oven for the times I didn't have a fireplace) when I can't be around to monitor it). While it burns I imagine that I have that time to say goodbye to them.

Sometimes doing this once is enough to release what I wanted to share with them, sometimes I do it more. In the case of my father in law, I have done this 4 times, with the most recent two weeks ago, on the year annevesary of his death.

We all grieve in our own way, but this little ceremony has helped me greatly, both in my personal world and when I had a job where death was a part of my weekly routine.

I wish you comfort, peace and light during this time of darkness in your life.

Chelonia

January 29, 2008
3:35 pm
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Black Butterfly
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Chelonia, I think I will give it a try. Because right now I'm like on a roller coaster ride. I'm up and then I'm back down without warning. I feel so empty.Like he and I both were cheated out of something. Like time spending together etc.. My dad had alot of problems the main one was his kidney's.I think he's had like 3 surgery's since 1990. He's was up and down with he health as far as how he felt on a daily basis. He liked to gamble,he stayed at the casino. When he was able. He was'nt the easiest person to get along with or talk to. So I really did'nt know what to say or how to act around him.His mother my grandmother was very protective of him. She took care of him basically. Because of his sickness. I dont think I actually new how sick he really was. I ask myself why did'nt I do more or say more or be there more all the time. That's all I think about really is how different things could have been. If I put a little more effort into things it probaly could have been. But I felt like he was my father and and I was the child if he wanted me to do things for him all he had to do was tell me or ask an I would have done it or gave it some consideration.I had my first child at 16 so yes I was kinda disstracted or absent for alot of things that was going on in his life. But I felt I needed some gudiance. I wish I knew than what I know now. It was'nt like I didnt care I just did'nt know. I'm trying to make sense of all this. I'm telling you its really hard. I was my daddy's baby girl and I now he loved me but at time my vision get's blurry. With thee I DONT KNOWS. I cry on a daily basis, just out of the blue. It like I have an ICE BOX were my heart used to be forreal.

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