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The possibility for codependence characteristics to return next time
January 27, 2005
8:58 pm
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yeti
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I'm now out of a relationship i had been feircely co-dependent in for a long time, and now i'm wondering if i ever start a new relationship, will it my same behaviour patterns re-emerge? is there anything i can do to stop them?
I sort of imagine it will involve an entire re-programming of my head.
Anyone with experience in this matter?

January 27, 2005
9:00 pm
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jastypes
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I've decided that I will always be a "recovering" codependent, just like an addict can be recovering, but never fully recovered. It is something I will always have to work on in myself.

jill

January 27, 2005
9:44 pm
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hopyhoo
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yety,have youthink of going coda groups?!

January 28, 2005
12:44 am
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j.a.
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hey... i discovered at the end of my second relationship that i already had codependent patterns in my first relationship, but that where less strong.... so, your question about what will happen the next time is pretty much an enigma, but i can tell youone thing... and that is that once you are already conciuos about being codependent and having certains types of reations of patterns liked to relationships with guys you will have a major level of alertness and will be able to have different posibility choices when you are confronted in comnplocated situations.... you will know what makes you feel bad or react bad, and you can talk these things over or discover methods that make you react better or control yourself better. someone once told me on this web page... that one could change things one step at the time... and in my cse thats very true... the other thing that has been very usefull has been loggin on to this page, reading others experiences, helping others out and being helped by others. Another good thing would be getting in touch with a counselor, they can really help, try to choose the right one though, one that comprehends you and is empathic.
cheers!

January 28, 2005
9:11 am
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suffering succotash
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Maybe make a copy of a list of characteristics of codependency, keep it, read it and when you find yourself in a realtionship, check to see if you are falling into any of those characteristics. If you find you are "losing" yourself within a new person, it's time to step back and re-assess. I fear it too. But like j.a. says it's good to be alert and aware of the possiblities of it re-patterning itself.

January 28, 2005
11:00 am
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ILSILS
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if you havnt done alot of work on you then its likely that u will be the same weather the guy is different doesnt matter. work on you, find what you really want, define your boundries, and get help weather it be support groups or what ever, change yourself and youll have a much better chance

January 28, 2005
11:23 am
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on my way
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yeti, my suggestions are just to find out as much information as you can regarding codependency, see how it applies to you, apply it, and do your best. Yes, even from my own expereince, the codependency issues in my life ruined a relationship for me...but that included other issues like abandonment issues. The best thing is find a balance for yourself. And don't give up on relationships, but it may be better to take a few months, or what ever time you need to learn more, and work on you. Keep poting here, and read some threads...much wisdom and knowledge here. Also I would suggest, don't let the "label" you, it is something tha tcan be worked through.

What happened in your relationship to make it end?

January 28, 2005
9:48 pm
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yeti
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QUOTE: What happened in your relationship to make it end?

Well, that was the subject of my first post here- "thought the problem was me, now don't know what to think."

QUOTE:Maybe make a copy of a list of characteristics of codependency, keep it, read it and when you find yourself in a realtionship, check to see if you are falling into any of those characteristics.

I think i just might do that- thanks for the idea.

QUOTE: yety,have youthink of going coda groups?!

No, i haven't. What are they? where do they occur? I don't think they'd be around where i live, i'm in Australia.

QUOTE: if you havnt done alot of work on you then its likely that u will be the same weather the guy is different doesnt matter

That makes sense. It's funny how much of being in a relationship is actually about yourself. (p.s, i'm a guy)

Thanks for the help!

January 29, 2005
3:58 am
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SweetAmanda
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yeti,

Nice to meet you. Cool name.

I find it refreshing when guys work on themselves emotionally. There are several strong men on this site that I really respect for the way that they continue to deal with troubled relationships... Either past or present.

You can find out where a coda group meets near you at http://www.coda.org

(I think that's the site! SOMEONE PLEASE correct me if I am wrong!)

I sure hope that with you being 'Down Under' they have somewhere that you can go to connect. Here, in The States, there are all kinds. I pray it's the same for you. =)

~Amanda~

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