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The Point of Living?
October 2, 2004
12:18 am
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mamacinnamon
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Did you just hear what you said in your post? YOU may have to raise your son to keep him from the damage she may cause. There is your reason to live.

I work with alot of women going thru marital problems. I just got home from dealing with a friend whose husband just left her with six kids. She's taken pills and is drinking.

As I told her....you take the time you need to grieve for a couple days, then you get up and get mad if that's what it takes to go on. YOU have a son who needs and loves you and it is your responsibility to be there and care for him whether he lives with you at this time or not.

I know you don't want to go on. I have been there too. At one point in my life I could tell you every way possible to commit suicide and how the end result would be. Guess what! I suddenly ended up pregnant just like the other lady. I had no choice but to go on then. Now I suffer pain all day every day from stress related illness but I go on. I go on for my kids, I go on because God expects me to go on. He never promised life would be easy.

It is your responsibility to GO ON whether happy or not. No, we can't choose whether we have pain or not, but we definitely choose what we do with that pain.

I WILL be praying for you. I am sorry for your pain. Make the right choice: grieve, let go, and go on.

October 2, 2004
12:22 am
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, one more thing.

If you still want to end it. Before you do. Take your son in your arms and give him a hug. Then look deep into his eyes and see the love he has for you. See the little mind that depends and loves you so unconditionally.

Don't make any decisions to end anything until you do the above.

October 2, 2004
12:38 am
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southgoingzax
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we've all been trying to help, M3, and you post here and that's good, you are venting. But it seems like you aren't trying to listen, aren't trying to make things better. It isn't healthy or natural to feel the way you do. You need to seek professional help. NOW. You clearly can't make it through this on your own. GET HELP. If you aren't eating or sleeping and are starting to believe Satan is making you feel/think this way, you need to get HELP. Please.

October 2, 2004
1:03 am
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Anonymous
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Ditto Zax...

I personally think that I have tried my best to support you M3, and alot of others here have also.
Best of luck,

Sunny

October 2, 2004
1:25 am
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m3talc0re
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There are only two things that could possibly "help" me now. A) Get Amanda back. B) Die.

October 2, 2004
1:29 am
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nattie
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M3, It sounds like you are very angry and it is well understandable. She broke your heart and she's a BITCH!!!! It sucks!!!! It's no wonder you can't concentrate on anything and your vision is wierd because your brain and your body are working OT!!! Your angry, jealous, sad, scared, lonely.......your body is going to react to those emotions. ALLLLL those emotions that you let yourself feel WILL without a doubt make you feel horrible. That's why they say to think positive because it makes you feel good I know you can't help it, but try. Maybe you can help yourself by thinking differently. Maybe if you thought that your not gonna let her break up with you AND keep you from feeling good. FEEL good, get her back, get YOUR life back. You said that she saved you from how you felt once before and made you feel good. Well, you know what feeling good is, it's wonderful so why deny yourself that. You gonna let her take that away? WHY?? F' HER!!!!!

Look, I can go on and on about the shit in my life, trust me, I've felt like you, I've felt like Satan was talking to me. Sometimes I still feel like shit and hate being around people, I feel angry at what cards Ive been dealt, it sucks ASS and I'm pissed. But ya know what, I can forget all that stuff and find what makes me feel good. Why suffer and feel bad, we have the power to make ourselves feel better, we just have to try.

I don't want to sound like a preacher, caust trust me, I'm not. But have you ever prayed. TRY IT!! Go ahead, pray, ask him, beg him to help you. You have to mean it from the bottom of your heart, beg, cry, scream for HELP!!! HE WILL!!! Don't let Satan win, Don't let that Bitch win either. Whether you believe it or not, HE IS THERE. I'm not a holy roller either, I don't go to church, I just believe because he helped me once and now has given me something to say "YOU BETTER START LIVING!!" I don't know what the hell my point is. I'm just am trying to help. I've been there sooooo many times and still feel bad sometimes but I know and I'm telling you that it aint gonna get better unless we make it better. No one is ever gonna make us feel great, cause ya know what, they can take it all away, just like she did, so we have to stop letting them, we have to find it in ourselves and keep it there where NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!

October 2, 2004
1:29 am
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Anonymous
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M3....

I don't think so nor do I think you mean that....If you did, you would not respond to this post...

October 2, 2004
1:58 am
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m3talc0re
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nattie, I have been praying and praying and I am far from being a holy person. I am very close to the eddge of crackkign and I watn alltt of gusys ddeadd right nooww.

October 3, 2004
9:02 pm
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nattie
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Hi M3, I'm sorry it took so long to respond. I hope you're ok and doing well. As far as being a Holy person, well I am also FAR from that too but that doesn't matter. Do you believe in God? Even if you don't have you asked for helped. The only reason I say this is because I've had a few experiences with evil and alot of pain in my life through childhood up until today and the only thing that got me out of it and picked me up at that moment was to pray, genuinly from the bottom of my heart, to God and ask for his help. You don't have to be a holy roller to ask for God's help.

Also, God cannot make all things go away. He is only there to give us strength to look for the answer, we must do the work to find it and work through it. So sometimes you must ask someone else for help. Talk to a counsler or therapist if nothing helps. I understand that you are torn up over Amanda but it really is NO reason to kill yourself.

What if someone in YOUR life right now loves you just as much as you loved Amanda and you left them?? Do you really want another to feel your pain and do what she did to you to someone else?? Like your son for instance?? Or your mother, father, sister, brother, best friend or someone you don't even know but looks up to you?? It isn't fair, I know it isn't fair that you feel like that either. I don't know you but I know what your going through and I also know that this is not the answer.

And for what it's worth, talking to you has helped me alot!!! Writting to you has really helped me remember what I need to do and how I got through before. I almost gave up 2 months ago, I almost gave up at 10 years old and again at 21. But I also know that I would have missed so much and glad that I'm still hanging on. Life sucks ASS but you must hang on. I hope your ok and Thank you for helping me, I hope I'm helping you too. Hugs.

October 4, 2004
12:42 am
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m3talc0re
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I have noone like that who would care for me and love me like I do Amanda. My son would miss me, yes, but he would be okay. I'm going back to Alabama tomorrow morning (Monday morning). My grandpa doesn't want me arround here anymore, so fuck him. I'm going to stay with Amanda and her mom again. Amanda says that we aren't going to be together and that I'll have to sleep on the couch, but I am hoping and praying that she will feel differently once I am there again. If not, I am going to try dating someone. I think right now, she knows that I am here for her whenever she wants and that is stopping some emotions from coming through. Once I start dating someone else, she may see that there is a chance that she could lose me and awaken her fear of losing me that is being repressed right now. That is a last resort though and I am hoping that she will fall in love with me again once I am there again. My life is riding on this and it's got me in a nervous wreck. As for my messed up typing in my last post, I couldn't stop shaking. You have no idea how messed up I've been here lately. I hate my fucking hell you all like to call "life".

October 4, 2004
2:16 pm
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kathygy
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M3,

Just remember that you have come to a codependency website with your problems. People here are working on recovering from codependency. It's natural that you are going to hear things about you being codependent. Think about it. It sounds like you have a ton of anger that you need to work through. And I'll bet a lot of that anger comes from your childhood. This situation is bringing up ALL of your anger not just at these people. I agree you need professional help to gain a sense of self outside of Amanda and to work through your anger. But I know you won't listen to this because its not what you want to hear but I trully believe its in your best interest to work on yourself.

October 4, 2004
2:35 pm
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laura2
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m3, You have given up control of your life! Stop blaming other people for the situation you are in and get over it! My brother killed himself, and if you think thats' the answer, you are sadly mistaken. When you're dead, people cry for awhile and then life goes on! And THAT means for your son too! So if you dont want some other guy raising your child, then you better pull yourself together, take responisbility for your mistakes and the state of your life and be a good Dad to your child! Forget about your obsession with Amanda and focus on yourself and your son!! And I promise you m3, you will find your happiness in your willingness to let go of this destructive anger and just take care of and love your child. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I can tell you that you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished BY your anger.

October 4, 2004
3:39 pm
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eve
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M3,

you sound like you are full of anger and violence. Against yourself, maybe against others, too. You don't respect this woman as a person, you see her as a possession. This is not love, it's obsession, and the foundation for abuse and domestic violence. Killing yourself if the terminal arrogance - arrogance means "not asking questions". I hear that you hurt, and I know that it is difficult to listen to something other than the clamor in your own head when you're hurting. I feel for you, but I'm also terrified for those around you.

Get help. For your own sake and for the sake of the people in your life.

October 4, 2004
9:09 pm
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m3talc0re
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It is an obsession and yes I am obsessed with Amanda and it's because I love her so much. Don't you even dare tell me that what I feel for her is not love. As for hurting her, there is no way in hell I would ever hurt her. When this first started, she pretty much beat the shit out of me and I didn't hit her or swing at her not once. I would never hurt her. As for life just moving on, it will for everyone else, but not me. My life has never just "moved on". She is my life and I don't get why none of you can understand that.

October 5, 2004
1:36 pm
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kathygy
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M3,

Why do you come here if you aren't interested the feedback you are getting? People do get the fact that this woman is your life and see that as the problem. It is not healthy. It is codependent. Are you saying she was physically violent with you? That is definately not a healthy relationship. No one deserves to be hit ever. You are very young and still have lots of time in your life to get yourself together. Why are you unwilling to hear what is being said to you here? If everyone just agreed with you then they would be enabling you to stay stuck and that's not what this web site is about. Its about recovery.

October 5, 2004
1:44 pm
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southgoingzax
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M3

I doubt you have ever experienced love directed towards you, so how can you know what it means to love someone else? And, if you TRULY believe that there is no point to life besides her, you would have been dead a long time ago.

Take yourself to the hospital for a mental evaluation. You are not well. You know you need help.

October 5, 2004
2:12 pm
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bubishi76
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M3,
I want to talk to you straight for a moment. I briefly skimmed through these posts and let me tell you. I want to let you know that I am a codependant. These people on this site, many that responded to you, have helped me through a few tough times. All of them are good people. THe trick is that you are out of balance. I don't mean that in just relationship terms. You are jsut out of balance and out of focus. Think of Yin/Yang. It is a symbol that shows balance in the universe. THis is what all of us wish to obtain. complete balance with everything. I want you to sit down with an open mind for a moment. THink about all of the things that you have posted here out of anger. How will it help to kill someone. I feel your anger. Do you read at all? If you do, I think that you should read Dr. Phil's relationship rescue. As far as we codependants are concerned, we have to learn to look inside ourselves. First, you have to find a positive outlet for your anger. WHen you've cleared your head of that mess, then you need to look at you and at the relationship. It may be that she is the one with the issues, it could be a combination of the both of you. Here's the thing, we have to try and learn to work on ourselves. THis is hard but I look at it like this, If I try to be a better man then I knw that I've done all that I can. If you talk with Eternaloptomist, I find him to have alot figured out. HE has helped me alot. It's great that you come here to vent. We've listened..... Now it's your turn to start clearing your head and getting right. You have to listen to these people and be prepared to hear some shit that you may not like to hear. You need to make a commitment to change the day. How about it?? Lets clear the mind and move forward. Lets try and find a little balance????
~Bubishi~

October 5, 2004
5:28 pm
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Cristine
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Love isn't obsession. If you aren't happy on your own, you have nothing to offer when you are with someone, and being obsessed with someone sucks the life out of that person and completely drains the obsessor.

You need more help than any of us here can give, and our advice is meaningless because the issues you have expressed merit a professional opinion.

This is more than an issue of being with Amanda or not. You need to seek some professional help. Feeling like you can't life without someone is dangerous, for you and for her. The words you've used and the emotions you've expressed... frankly they are frightening and unhealthy. Healthy people just don't think they type of thoughts you've expressed or talk the way you have. Best advice... get some professional help before you hurt yourself or someone else. I agree with you that no amount of love you receive from anyone.. your family or anyone, can help you. Only a professional can.

October 6, 2004
1:16 am
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m3talc0re
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You all speak of being codependant as if it were such a bad thing, what if it's not? If you are codependant on someone and they are there for you, you are more happy than words can describe. As for being obsessed with Amanda, you're getting the wrong ideas. I'm not freakily stalking her or anything. And as for being happy on my own, that will never happen and there is no ammount of therapy that can fix that. About your Yin and Yang, I'm not balanced, I am what does balancing. There is so much bad in this world, it overpowers the good so it has to go somewhere to balance everything out. I'm where that goes.

I'm in Alabama now. I'm not quite sure what to think of our relationship. Before I came here, she said that I had to sleep on the couch. The first night I got here, we stayed in her room and watched a movie. I got up to go to the couch and she pulled me back down and told me I could sleep in there. I got little sleep, if any at all. There are a couple of things I can remember quite well though. First, she rolled over towards me and was holding my hand. I went to let go so that I could move into a more comfortable position and she gripped my hand and wouldn't let it go. She was asleep at the time. I laid there in a really wierd position for about an hour and a half just because I really didn't want to let go of her hand if she wanted to hold mine that tightly. A little later in the night, she rolled over onto me. Putting one leg over me, one up against my leg and wrapped her arms arround me. She was asleep then as well, but god, I was in heaven. It felt so good having her hug up to me like that, I felt my heart racing, I didn't want that to end at all. I could live that forever. But, every other time, she says she doesn't want to get back together with me yet. She keeps promising me that we will work things out. But, I don't know if that's true. I know she's waiting on this Anthony guy to get out of prison. She says that he was her first true love. He's quite far from here, he wants to send her a bus ticket so that she can come and see him and she wants to go see him. My fear is that she will see him again and want him and not me. He gets out November 14th, so I've got till then to re-awaken her love for me and not want to leave me for him. She left him for me in the first place, so I know once our love is re-established, she will do it again. I've been doing everything I can think of to show her that I love her and trying to make her see that she is still in love with me. I just don't know... Curiousity is something that can drive me to do some odd and difficult things to find the answers. I thirst for knowledge. Not knowing the answers is killing me. We are supposed to talk tonight, so hopefully I will get some things cleared up. I've just got so much shit in my head that is dieing to get out, it's driving me insane. Questions I can't ask or get the answers to because if I attempt to, it will just make her mad at me and drive her further from me. FUCK!

October 6, 2004
10:38 am
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kathygy
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M3,

First of all you have no idea what therapy can do for you because you have never given it a chance. It has changed my life and I have grown so much because of it. But you have to want help and you choose to suffer over getting help. Words seem so wasted on you.

Codependency is unhealthy. It is self betrayal. You are choosing to focus on another person rather than your own wounded self. You need to love yourself first. If you want to learn more about codependency why don't you get the book "codependency no more" by melodie Bettie. You can not have a healthy realtionship if you are codependent no matter how much you love a person. It doesn't sound like you want to have a healthy relationship either.

October 6, 2004
2:08 pm
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Joe1024
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M3, I have been close to suicide in the past. It is not worth it, dont let anyone in your life no matter how much you care for them or want them in it ruin your life. You have so many possibilities ahead of you even if you cant see them right now. I dont believe their is a single soul-mate for each person in this life. I used to feel that way and when it didnt work out the way I expected I started cracking up and loosing the will to live even though I had alot of family and friends who still cared about me. Realize that you can still find love and be happy. It may take time, it may not be easy but you can pull out ahead in the end and be happy. I think you should try seeing a couselor to help you with your feelings. Its normal to feel angry and hurt but dont let it take over your life. By comming here to this board you are looking for some help and its a start, but you have to look inside of yourself and start seeing that you control whether or not positive things happen in your life. We can choose to be miserable.. even for long periods, but if you open your mind to love with another or even realize that maybe it really wasnt meant to be with this girl then you trully set yourself free and allow yourself to start rebuilding and setting your own standards for postive living and happiness. All relationships take work, some more then others, but realize this girl is not the only possible soloution for you. And if its causing you this much anger and pain the best bet is its not the right one even if you belive with every fiber of your being it is. I hope this helps a little, please talk to a couselor...

October 6, 2004
3:46 pm
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Cici
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m3 -

Please take some time to review this OCD screening test http://www.ocfoundation.org/ocf1070a.htm.

You said she was waiting on someone to get out of prison. red alert.

I am married. My husband is in prison. While he is in federal prison he has given me permission to date other men. He just said he hopes I am single when he gets out. I've been dating someone, and although he claims he loves me and wants me forever, he says stuff like "I just don't want anyone else to have you."

I broke up with him because I realized I was stringing him along - it wasn't fair to either of us. Especially him. I feel bad now that I did this, and I do care deeply for him. But part of the problem is that he has terminally low self-esteem and he doesn't love himself. But like you, he doesn't understand why I've made my decision. Just cannot comprehend it.

As a woman - I can tell you....no one wants to be with someone who is completely dependent on them for their happiness. It is an inexcuseable burden to put on someone else when you cannot find the courage to face your issues and stand alone.

We are born alone. We die alone. Love is a luxury few in this world can afford - especially in impoverished areas of the world. And in this rich and decandent America, we twist and distort the innocence of real love and make it into something we use to destroy ourselves and others.

Love doesn't spawn hatred. Love doesn't spawn anger. It is our flawed humanity that created these negative imperfections. Bowing down to all that is unhappy and cruel and negative and horrible - does not engender love, or tender feelings. It makes the one you seek pity you.

Obsession does not necessarily mean "stalking" - that is the extreme situation.

When I interned at a forensic mental hospital one of the residents was obsessed with Jennifer Aniston. He wrote letters of his undying love, etc etc etc. Only when he was on anti-psychotic medication was he able to control his obsession and live normally. Although he still had intrusive thoughts of her, he was able to recognize that they were not healthy and impeding his ability to live life.

Luckily, he was sentenced to the mental hospital by the courts. He would not have sought help on his own and his obsession would have, most likely, escalated to endanger either himself or others around him. These issues always begin mildly. No one can really tell how bad it will get.

This man ended up murdering someone. He will be in a mental facility for the rest of his life. He is 21. GET HELP now.

October 6, 2004
4:32 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear M3,

I spent a lot of time reading what I could of this thread and I can tell you are extremely frustrated and in a lot of pain.

I am wondering if you've considered roles in this relationship you have with Amanda. It seems like she plays the role of the desired, and you play the role of the one who desires. Only at certain times does she seem to understand that there is a chance she could lose you, and when that happens, she steps toward you because she doesn't want to lose you.

As a result, what you have is a HUGE spot between a rock and a hard spot! She won't be interested unless you are acting less interested and you don't act less interested because you are completely in love and completely committed to your relationship with her.

If you can, think about pulling back a bit and let her reach out to you the way she did the night you slept together. It might make her feel good to know she can pursue you.

I hope you're hanging in there.

Ren'ai

October 6, 2004
8:41 pm
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m3talc0re
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Ren'ai, it seems you're the first person to actually listen to and understand what I'm saying. That's what I'm thinking as well. I'm thinking about find a friend arround here that just happens to be female. Problem is, that will not be easy for me to do. It's really hard for me to do anything to make Amanda upset with me, doing something like this will take everything I've got.

And I did that OCD test on that site. According to them, I don't have OCD, but that test was stupid anyway and had no questions concerning my problems.

October 6, 2004
9:05 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear M3,

I also believe the very most challenging thing about love is accepting it, not giving it. I think there are a lot of loving people in this world who don't think they deserve to be loved, or they "filter" the love they are given. Maybe they think they don't deserve that much respect (an ingredient of love) so they filter some out--you're pretty smart so you get the idea.

Amanda is having a problem accepting love from you the way you have it prepared. Love is like a recipe of different emotions from attraction to devotion to respect to just plain liking the person. There is something you are trying to give her that she either A.) doesn't want, or B.) doesn't think she deserves. It obvious that the kind of love she has for you is WAY off base!!!

Start asking yourself what you are creating for her that she might not be ready for. Ask yourself what she might feel she doesn't deserve and know that the only person who can convince her otherwise is AMANDA. Start asking yourself what kind of love you want and are willing to receive from her. These are important values for you to explore before you try to heal your relationship.

I hope this helps, M3.

Ren'ai

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