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The other side of the coin...
July 21, 2005
3:31 pm
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Anonymous
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After reading so many posts over the past week or so, it finally "dawned" on me that I had been on both sides of the fence (so to speak). Maybe what I've experienced can help a few of you that are hurting from being "left". I was in a loveless, unhealthy marriage for over 18 years. In the beginning all was good (we were so young), and we had fun "playing house". But somewhere along the way (early on, i might add), the differences in what we wanted, believed, and needed became apparent, and we began to take separate paths. I threw myself into raising our children, taking care of a household, as well as working 40 hours a week outside of the home. He also worked a 40 hour week, but with his "free" time, he pretty much did as he pleased, and it more often than not, did NOT involve me or our boys. Emotionally he was unavailable. Sexually he couldn't get enough. And especially the women here will understand that the two of those things don't go together very well.

The older he got, the more I saw his own father in his behavior...mean, verbally abusive, angry, never satisfied, chronic negativity. I tried to keep the peace mostly, and smoothed over alot of his anger with my boys by excusing the way he acted toward them, so that they would not think it was THEIR fault. Nobody and nothing could have made this man happy. He was miserable, pure and simple. By nature I am a happy-go-lucky, positive person. By now I suppose you get the picture...a CONSTANT clash!!! I used to think that it was MY job to make him happy, and hard as I tried, NOTHING worked. I had failed. (Can you see the co-dependency kicking in???

Anyway, to get to my point, I am a believer, and one day (clear as a bell) God opened my eyes to the truth of what was happening. My husband looked to ME to be his saviour, and because the only one who can SAVE anybody is God, he (my ex) was angry with me for not making his life better, more ful-filled. I heard God say to me, "Step aside, I want to deal with him directly, and YOU are in my way!" Wow! Talk about a wake-up call!!!

So, I left. I talked honestly and openly to my boys about what was happening and didn't sugar coat anything. I let them know that I loved them and their father loved them, but the two of us could no longer live under the same roof. My husband at the time seemed to be completely "caught off guard" that I would want to leave that miserable environment. You see, I had stayed so long, because I wanted it to work, and I was so loyal to my boys and him, that he didn't think I'd EVER get up the nerve to leave. He took advantage of the fact that I loved my family so much and would do whatever it took to keep it together. Mind you, HE never assisted in this mission, but sat back and taunted and teased in order to keep things interesting.

Some of you here have been "left" by someone you love. In my particular case, I can say that by the time I actually did leave, I was NO LONGER IN LOVE with that man! People ask me, how can you live with somebody that long, and no longer care. Well, the answer is, the love I felt for him in the beginning was not strong enough to survive the abuse (verbal and emotional), therefore I had really "divorced" him LONG before I physically left the marriage. So when some of your ex's are telling you it is definitely over, and to move on with your life, more than likely they have BEEN GONE quite a while, and you just somehow didn't notice. I'm not saying this is always the case, I'm just giving my vantage point. My ex told everybody that he couldn't believe I left him, that he loved me so much, that he worshipped the ground I walked on. Well I can tell you, if that HAD been the case, we would still be married. For years, I read books to help change myself, to make me a better wife to him, to help our marriage succeed; took classes and Bible studies; went to couples workshops (only I might add); went to counseling. He NEVER saw the need to participate. And THAT, my friends, is a sure love KILLER! It takes two to make and relationship and two to break it!

For those of you still holding out for hope, look within, become the best YOU that you can be, learn about yourself, acknowledge your faults and work to change them. And if the one you "lost" comes back to you, then you will be the best partner that anyone could ever want or ask for. And if they never return, then there WILL BE ANOTHER someday, that will LOVE who you have become!!!

July 21, 2005
3:44 pm
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Plzdon't,

Amen to that! I was also married for ten years to a man that was completely emotionally unavailable to me. Throughout the years, we grew in different directions and I grew to be colder and colder (which is very much against my nature). I was sooo unhappy for so many years, but we had two children so I stayed for longer than I should have. I felt nothing for him for the last several years (other than a friendship).

I tried to get our marriage on track over the years, but he didn't think there was anything wrong. Why would he? He had the best of all worlds... a beautiful family, a nice home and he got to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted (which never included his family BTW).

Anyway, when it was OVER for me, it was just that, OVER. There was no turning back. I did not love him anymore and I knew I could never get it back. He was devastated and could not understand how I could walk away from everything we shared... but the truth was that everything he cared about the most, was the material things, not really ME. He enjoyed the "appearance" of being a family, but never really participated in it.

So... I can understand how some of the men can have no feelings for their mate when it is finally over. I guess the only problem I have with these men is that they probably were not completely honest along the way. The woman did not expect it because they did not communicate how they were feeling when it STARTED to go bad... THAT'S where the problem comes in...lack of communication.

Just my two cents.

TC

July 21, 2005
3:51 pm
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SexySadie
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Agreed...lack of communication exactly. We just communicate differently and that's where it falls apart.

I know for us, we were a family unit. We did everything together, grocery shopping, good grief, come to think of it we rarely did anything without being a family unit. He had his one night out with the guys and that was my quiet night. But then we would also go out together as date night with our other friends.

In our case, I simply pushed him too far. I thought we needed a cooling off and boy are we having one. I've learned a lesson that hopefully everyone else will take to heart on here that is teetering between leaving their loved one. Make sure that's what you really, really want. With no where else to go, he ended up with a complete stranger. Is there a chance for us...yes, a slim chance...the doors of communication are finally open after 4 wks and so far his stuff is all here. When/if he asks for it back, then I will know he has moved on completely. But as he said, he feels nothing now, for no one, including her. Can I gain his love back, I want the chance. But he's said he's not ready to come home yet and that I can move on...all mixed signals. So, I try and go from one day to the next taking baby steps, one step forward, sometimes I fall backwards badly...and sometimes I can skip forward a few steps.

All I know is that I love him.

July 21, 2005
3:56 pm
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SS, I don't think you pushed your bf too far! You are putting the blame for his actions back on yourself, like you "drove" him into the arms of another woman. Sometimes people get confused about what they want, and whatever is "different" might feel good for a change, but what he had with you was the real thing. And sooner or later, when he HAS to deal with it, he may realize just that. Unfortunately, sometimes people take too long to figure out what they want, and then they lose out of something great. If he doesn't regret what he's done, he will, sweetie. Time is on your side...hang in there!!!

July 21, 2005
4:04 pm
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SexySadie
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Well I am saying I pushed him..when I told him to leave for the night..it was the second time in our 5yrs I had done that. I do assume blame and responsibilty for that because of my anger. I should have learned how to refocus it as what it was, fear. But I didn't know that then. I cannot and will not assume responsibilty for his now constant drinking or the fact that he took up with a complete stranger...but had I stopped a minute and rethought things, there would have been a different way of reacting instead of acting.

Agreed, even his father told him something to the effect of "You were on top of the world for 5yrs with her, don't stay too long in the gutter or you won't be able to find your way back up." I thought that was wonderful coming from his own father.

July 21, 2005
7:20 pm
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TC66 - Sounds like we were married to the same man:) Now some other "lucky" girl has him! lol

SS - Sounds like your ex has a very wise father. Maybe he'll come around with advice like that.

July 21, 2005
7:29 pm
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SexySadie
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His father is very smart and he was the first to detach w/love. He's having a problem with ex's mum though. She's having a tough time dealing with not only this but her mother is on her deathbed....ex won't even go visit her. ARGH...he's too ashamed to show up because they know!!

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