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The Other Side of Domestic Violence
October 13, 1999
9:15 pm
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person99
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I decided I need help, so I start my search, but help is not there for me to find. I am the
abuser, I am the problem. People, my friend and my family look at me and see a good
person, intelligent, funny, hard working, well liked by others. How can they all think this, I
am a week person. I have tried so hard to stop, I have been given more chances than
anyone deserves. I thought I was making progress I started to keep a journal and to jog.
Things that would make me feel good about myself, things to help me think clearly. It was
wonderful she was so happy to see me help myself. Then it happened again. What should I
do should I give up, should I live the rest of my life alone? I need help, I want help!!

October 13, 1999
11:52 pm
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VRJ
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person99, you have taken the first few VERY important steps. You have admitted to yourself and us that you need some healing. You realize that you can't do it alone and need help. Most of us have patterns of behaviour that are destructive and hard to break. Before you can change, you must recognize the patterns. Ask God or whoever your higher power is for help. It will be sent to you. It is your choice whether or not to accept it. Openness, honesty (with yourself and others) and humility are called for here. I don't know where you are so I can't recommend any professionals. If you feel safe enough to share your general location there might be someone here who can suggest something. We will all be praying for you. You are very brave to admit that you need healing. God bless you.

October 14, 1999
9:28 am
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person99
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VRJ,

Thank you for your reply, I live in Glens Falls, NY.

October 14, 1999
10:10 am
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lost soul
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please don't give up.You know that you have a problem, but don't know how to control it.it takes time to break from old habit.you can't just do it overnight, right? By admitting the problems,stands a chance for change. Better then those who won't admit that they have a problems.You will have my blessing friends

Hope

October 14, 1999
10:57 am
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site coordinator
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Person99,

The best kind of help for men wanting to stop the chain of violence is to find a Men Against Violence group (may have other names as well). In Cleveland, there is an excellent program run at The Free Clinic. The group is entirely free, is run by a psychologist who specializes in battering, and is lasts 2.5 hours for 8 sessions (2 months). Here, men learn about anger, alternatives, the effects (psychological) they are embedding in women, basically the who, what, where, when how’s of domestic violence. The control, manipulation, jealousy, dis-trust, etc.

Call tese three numbers to get a referral in NY to a group such as this:

Boys Town: 800-448-3000 Provides short-term crisis intervention and counseling and referrals to local community resources. Counsels on parent-child conflicts, marital and family issues, suicide, pregnancy, runaway youth, physical and sexual abuse, and other issues. Operates 24 hours, seven days a week.

Covenant House: 800-999-9999 Crisis line for youth, teens, and families. Gives callers locally based referrals throughout the United States. Provides help for youth and parents regarding drugs, abuse, homelessness, runaway children, and message relays. Operates 24 hours, seven days a week.

National Domestic Violence: 800-799-SAFE
24-hour-a-day hotline, They have an extensive database of domestic violence treatment providers in all US states and territories. Many staff members speak languages besides English, and they have 24-hour access to translators for approximately 150 languages. For the hearing impaired, there is a TDD number. This is a great resource for anyone--man, woman or child--who is experiencing or has experienced domestic violence or abuse, or who suspects that someone they know is being abused.

Keep us updated! Please!

- SC

October 15, 1999
2:03 pm
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Jaskid
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Person99,

It's good to know that you realize how deeply you are hurting not just the one you love, but yourself. Taking responsibility for our actions is the first step of healing... You can do it!!! Say this to yourself all day long...every second if needed. Do not listen to those negative thoughts that go through your head and are keeping you from moving forward. Stop doubting yourself! It is time to start trusting in a power greater than yourself today to guide you on this painful journey. It's time to let go and let God! He will work in your life, if you would try and get your self-will out of the way. You know something is stirring inside of you to change. Let this powerful,positive affirmation take over your soul and encourage you to make this step towards recovery. Listen to this deep inner voice inside of you and follow only the path of joy. Isn't it time for a little peace and joy in your life? As you learn to quiet the voices and old tapes that are running around in your mind, you will begin to be in touch with new truths about yourself, new feelings, new urges! Begin to trust your higher power to guide you towards growth and change, towards good and love, towards what is right. Discard those feelings that come from fear and anger...know that you are stronger than them. I promise, as you allow yourself to listen to and follow this new voice, JOY and PEACE will fill your heart and life and your will NEVER want to go back to the old blocking, destructive ways. Keep us updated on your recovery!

Jaskid

October 18, 1999
5:09 pm
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daizy
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I read this and it really struck me. Most abuser's can't or won't admit they have a problem - and you admitting it makes you stronger already.
I also will say that just because you are the abuser doesn't make you any different than most of us here. Maybe you've read a few posts. At one time or another we all have hurt others and ourselves, so it's my belief that you are no different than us. I know your hurting someone by abusing her, but you are also hurting yourself by lashing out.
I'm happy that your on the right track and looking for help. I do hope you've contacted someone in your area. And thanks to the site coordinator for helping you out as well. I would suggest that you seek counseling for yourself, and your spouse/girlfriend and begin from there. It has also helped many of us here to come here a few times a week and just to write and let it out and get feedback from others, maybe this would be more effective for you than a journal. Maybe you could tell us about your childhood or wherever your abuse started.
Let me tell you a little about me and my marriage. My husband grew up physicaly/mentaly abused by his father. Although he never laid a hand on me, he in turn mentaly abused me in the begining of our marriage. It was hard for me to handle and my husband nearly crushed my self esteem. I believe that our faith somehow pulled us together and helped us to realize our problems and fears and since then it's been a total change for ourselves and marriage. We both have made posative changes within ourselves and people around us can see the difference in us. On another note, I used to hate is father for what he did to his children and family, but lately I've realized that life must be hard for him and I don't hate him any longer, maybe it's worse, but I somewhat pity him. I don't think an abuser just picks up the pattern, I believe they learn it early in life - maybe abusive parents or somewhere along that line. Enough babbling about me.
I think you should look back and dig deep within yourself. Start searching for answers to your anger. When did it start, why did you become angry..stuff like this. To leave you on a posative note, just try not to hit..walk away, get a punching bag, whatever you can do to avoid the situation.
take care

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