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The Other Part of No Contact
August 3, 2005
4:31 am
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Regret
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Hi All,

These are just some thoughts that I want to bump off and get some views on. I am not a member of the No Contact club even though I have stayed away from the man I desperately wanted. When i first posted here, I was thinking of going back to my first love who is married. But I got a good ass kicking to whip me back into line here and ended up not doing it. I cut all contact with him. This must have been seven months now.

Yesterday, one of my girlfriends called me to tell me that another one of our friends had seen him somewhere and oh, he was looking so gorgeous etc. I listened for a while but when she said she would call today to continue, I declined. I went back to bed crying and wondering once again if i messed up and then getting all afraid that i would not be able to handle my present relationship (My own insecurity - I know)

This is my point. Sometimes, I think no contact should also mean that you hear nothing good or bad about this person. Right or wrong? My friends know how i feel about him so i don't know why they would bring him up. However, I know that this happens a lot after break ups ( We have been broken up for more than five years) and perhaps they thought it was harmless. All I want to say is that if we really want to detach, it helps to cut contact between the two as well as all types of pipeline contact- through friends etc.

Please tell me if i am wrong or an extremist.

Regret

August 3, 2005
7:31 am
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Molly
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Ahh you sound sad !! I agree to not hearing anything good or bad . I off with my ex only 3 weeks . No matter what i hear good or bad i know id nearly get sick hearing it .

August 3, 2005
7:44 am
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Molly,

I am sorry for what you must be going through right now. All I can say to you is that it does get better.

Stay strong

August 3, 2005
8:03 am
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frayedknot
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Regret

I have made it clear that I don't want any news about my ex. My daughter talked to my ex's daughter and gave me some news that my ex is engaged... My ex was going to marry me 3 months ago... now, she may be engaged? I told my daughter please don't give me anymore information. She understands and will respect my wishes..

I think it's well within your rights to ask friends/relatives to not inform you of "sightings", etc. It's also much better for your mental health. Put out the memo.....

Frayed

August 3, 2005
8:29 am
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SexySadie
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I've asked and asked my friends not to share any news about him w/me. Because I still believe that initially when we broke up...they had all helped fuel the fire. I think they have finally gotten it...finally over a month later...Little tidbits come out every now and then and yes, I feel the stake go into the heart. But it's not as painful as it has been in the past. I've really been working on this "surrendering to my HP." This is very new to me...but I can already see a peace about me that wasn't there before. Even before when he was in my life. It was so chaotic and the stress level was so high. I finally can breathe a bit.

August 3, 2005
8:56 am
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Regret
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Thanks for the responses. I am so sorry for the hurt you are probably going through. Sexy Sadie, I totally understand what you mean because after five years, thoughts of him still send me back. I have been almost unproductive today just because i have been sitting here reliving my past all over again.

Anyway, hope you all have a good day!

Regret

August 3, 2005
8:59 am
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SexySadie
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Regret,

You have to learn to start living for today...not worrying about the future because the future is unknown and you can't dwell on the past. I found that the unhealthiest thing I was doing was reliving the night where I threw him out. Nothing I can do ever will change that. But I can surrender to it and look forward to making today a better day. Just today. Try waking up each morning and doing yoga or meditation and start off your day in a peaceful way. This has really helped me. Just take even 15minutes...put the world out of your thoughts for just a bit...and put the focus on you. Easier said than done, I know...but I have finally started to get past the constant flashbacks.

August 3, 2005
9:08 am
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Molly
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Thanks regret ! Tis just we on a "space break up at mo " .... He has A failing business and a v young kid from a past partner . He feels all getting to him ! And yes i am DEMANDING ... At mo trying so hard to not send emails , texts etc but tis sooo hard . And if in end he feels same what's the point .

August 3, 2005
9:16 am
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Sexy Sadie,

Thanks once again. It does seem like a whirlwind sometimes and I am the one lost within. What amazes me is that after five years, the hurt can still come up. Does it mean I neever really got him out of my system?

I have a new boyfriend who loves me and who i love and i am happy so why should i feel this? Strange huh! I agree with you on the power of meditation. My mom taught me meditation when i was about 16 and I try to do it on a regular basis. I wake up at 6 and stay still for 30 mins praying and listening. It works because i see the difference in the days i just get up, pray and not listen.

Molly, i will look at your thread and then we can chat on there ok? I just need to understand what your story is.

Hugs to y'all.

Reg

August 3, 2005
9:19 am
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exoticflower
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regret, I actually stopped doing no contact becasue for me just talking about and thinking about NOT contacting him all the time was thinking about and talking about him all the time. I think it's different for everyone, but some of us really need to cut them out of our MINDS. Since then I have some baby matters that have caused me to have to talk to him, and it has been greuling and I'm backsliding in a big way...but that's just a nessaccary evil of sharing a lovely child sometimes, I guess, and in time I'll get it handled. I understand exactly what you mean, and I think that whatever it is that leaves you with that toxic feeling, just don't do it. The bottom line is not just laying in bed and feeling like crap when you could be moving foreward, and if not even hearing about him helps that happen for you, then Yea for knowing what you need! Good for you, recognizing that and refusing to do it to yourself the next time! For me, there's even music I think it best not to listen to becasue it brings up that dwelling and such...so, I just don't listen to that music or watch that movie or talk to that friend about him, or what have you.

Now if he would just forefit rights to the little princess here....:)

August 3, 2005
9:24 am
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Regret
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Ha! Exotic,

That struck a chord. In the early stages of the break (mind u, it has been five years), there were places i wouldn't go, songs i wouldn't hear and tv programs i wouldn't watch. Ironically, it was same for him. I was doing great and we were still best buddies untiol i began wanting him again this year (after he got married). I know i am commitment phobic and I want him now cos he is unavailabe. This too would pass.

Regret

August 3, 2005
9:24 am
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exoticflower
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I didn't stop trying for no contact, I mean that I stopped doing 'no contact' the thread after a while. it was helpful when I started, but once I had it down I thought it was just (for me) encouraging me to dwell. Not the great people who where helping me, just the mindset I found myself getting into while I was talking about him in terms of missing him or such.

It doesn't hurt any that now I'm in the ANGER stages of grieving, though! Hang on, that part actually feels pretty good after all of the saddness and romanticizing and such!

August 3, 2005
10:35 am
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Molly
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Ahh , my story is ..... Me and my now ex were head over heals in love . In last year i starting getting demanding , jealous etc . I pushed him to the edge many a nite . After a feed of drink one nite i told him twas over ! Next morning he said i hurt him and that i got nasty etc . He said he wasnt sure about us anymore , that the business failing is getting ontop of his plus he is a single parent so finds that hard too . At mo we on a break . I am finding it hard as i do believe it is my fault for pushing him . He is putting up a stuborn front . The ball in his court now for our future . His last words were that he will ring me durn week , as the last few days we have been fighting with bitter words via tex and email . PHEW ... Better in than out , ehh regret ......

August 3, 2005
10:45 am
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exoticflower
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We must have cross posted there, Regret. My best friend calls that the Bone Mentality...like the way a dog will bury a bone when they are done with it, not because they want it at all, just because they don't want anyone to have what was theirs, you know. Teritorial noncense that we are all guilty of...I know it hurts no-one but ourselves, doesn't it?

Hope you are feeling a bit better now. Sometimes just talking helps. Five years, wow! I'm still not out of the woods yet, am I?

August 3, 2005
11:15 am
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Regret
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Exotic,

i love that term -bone mentality! That is exactly what this is about. It is also negative obsession. The "If i can't have you, no one should" attitude. I was so bad before the break and i would put his emotions on a roller coaster and watch the ride. No, i wasn't plain evil. I was scared of my feelings ( I was head over heels in love with him) and so afraid of what would happen if. . . After the break, we still remained friends which meant making love whenever we could find the chance. He remained "faithful" even when i was pursuing other guys in that dry period. He gave up when he realised i didn't believe his love for me and started seeing someone else. Even then, i managed to have things my way until he married her and then i realised he was legally unavailable to my silly ways. I am ashamed of what i did on the fon- crying, begging and promising to drop everything to get back with him. Yes- manipulation. Anyway, then i schemed to get back into his life until some of those on these boards knocked sense into me. Now, after all i have learnt in these boards, I know I was just being manipulative etc. I cut contact with him cos i wasn't sure i wouldn't get manipulative again and have been doing ok till last nite.

I am ok now. I started to do some work and boyfriend called so i am out of the " poor me" stage. Whew!!!

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