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The ONE thing a wife can't tell her husband...
September 18, 2006
1:02 pm
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justanothermom
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After I decided to quit having an emotional affair with another man I decided that I needed to talk to my husband about everything in this marriage that's not working. So we sent the kids to grandma's house and went to a hotel room. It was great we sat in the hot tub and drank wine all night, while we were talking about where we went wrong in this marriage. There were a lot of tears and emotions, but we got it all out and decided that we were going to change a lot of things in this marriage BUT there was one thing that I couldn't tell him.
I know how men are and telling him this would have ruined the whole night and I knew it. When everything is good it is really good. (As long as neither one of us is having an emotional or physical affair on the side) but I have never told him that our sex life needs to be improved. He is very touchy on that subject and I know if I told him the truth it would hurt him to no end. I know that I am partly to blame for this because I always seem to say, "Yeah that was good" when inside I am thinking "Oh my gosh not again." I think a lot of women do this because they don't know what to say to their husband and I fit in that group.

How do I tell him that things in that area need to change, without hurting him so much that it ends our sex life forever?

September 18, 2006
1:08 pm
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confused_in_canada
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I know that when I had problems with the GF I was very touchy about it, but you know we are both adults. I didn't like the fact that things weren't working but looked forward to changing and fixing things so that they were.

You should be able to discuss it somehow.

September 18, 2006
1:09 pm
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confused_in_canada
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Oh and call me old fashioned, but isn't part of being married that you can openly discuss anything with your partner, haven't they made that commitment to work those things out with you?

September 18, 2006
1:11 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Justanothermom,

I agree...very touchy subject.

Besides direct communication, which you don't seem comfortable with....how about from this point on...just stop pretending?

For example...without getting too graphic here....when you are doin' your thang....let him know what feels good while he's doing it. Or just plain tell him what you want him to do. Or....perhaps tell him that you've been reading about keeping your marriage "spicy" and want to give it a whirl and try different things.

That way you can work on getting your needs met without telling hubby...."oh and btw...your really not that good."

That's always been my approach and so far, it's worked pretty well.

September 18, 2006
1:14 pm
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lollipop3
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My point with the "just stop pretending" is that you are leading him to believe that you like things that you don't really like and as long as he thinks you like it...he'll keep doing it.

Don't react to things you don't like.....and react like hell to thinks you DO like.

September 18, 2006
1:14 pm
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Loralei
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I've never been able to discuss it with my husband either. Even if I make a subtle suggestion or move his hand to where I want it, he gets very annoyed, almost angry, so letting him know how I really feel about our dismal sex life is out of the question. Hope you have better luck than I've had.

September 18, 2006
1:16 pm
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southgoingzax
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Um...maybe sign up for a couples massage class, tell him it's a gift, that you want to be more intimate with him/feel closer to him...and use that as a starting off point? Or ask him about some of his fantasies and then act them out? I think if you can just break the ice in a positive way, he should be able to handle it...probably during your long talk, it would have been too much for him. I really feel for you, I can't imagine having to try to bring up something like that...good luck,

sgz

September 18, 2006
1:18 pm
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CAMER
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if you don't tell your hubby how your sex life with him is, how is it going to change??? why not just do what Lolli suggested.

Nowadays, communication is so important in any relationship & if you keep pretending, nothing will ever change, why not just suggest a few things to try out.

Good luck.

September 18, 2006
1:20 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I guess I expect open communication - and while I wouldn't tell him he sucks, I would give positive reinforcement, tell him it feels good and ask for more...and offer suggestions on some things you would like to try....or try new things on him and then tell him you wish he would try new thing on you...rent a video, go to a "toy" store, comment on sex scenes you see in movies and say how you would like to try that or that it looks good.

Men take their masculinity very seriously, so challenging that is a very touchy subject.

work on the rest of the marriage, and perhaps the romance will get better......once you get your communication fixed, the rest may fall into place.

September 18, 2006
1:21 pm
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justanothermom
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I don't think that I gave enough info. on the subject but I didn't want to give everyone a play by play of my sex life. we have disc discussed this topic as two married adults and it is not a hard topic for me to talk about because I tell him that things need to change but I am not talking position or anything like that....I am talking about his performance. UUmmm like the length of time that he can last. I have made suggestions in the past by going to the head shop and buying different products to try but those don't seem to help either. My husband is still young, 24, and I can remember when he could last all night. I thought maybe a doctor could do something but he won't go. I want to come out and say this has to change or I am not wasting my time but I know that that would be the worst way to go about this. I don't know how else to put it though.

September 18, 2006
1:24 pm
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lollipop3
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Loralei,

Oh my...I feel for you.

I guess I am a bit more aggressive that some.

I remember I had a b/f once who refused to....let's say...go down there.

All I could think was...."oh, no he di-n't"

Now again...I don't want to be too graphic but that has to be done...if you know what I'm sayin'.

So anyway, after a couple of times...I asked him about it and he said he doesn't do that. My response....."oh, okay...well then, neither do I."

He didn't care for that.

Not that it mattered much I guess. I figured out not long after that he was an abusive, control freak and broke up with him.

Not that I should suggest such a thing but all I can say is that for me....you get what you give. Period. And even then...I'll only play that game for so long.

September 18, 2006
2:04 pm
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justanothermom
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lollipop3
How can I give more? I have given into his every need. I was thinking that I might need to quit giving him all that he want's before I get all that I need. What do you think?

September 18, 2006
2:16 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Just,

this is a hard one, cuz there are some guys who can't control how quickly they "arrive at the destination".

there are many tricks to making it last longer, a cosmo magazine may give you more info...lol.

But honestly, my last ex, he and I "fit" together so well, that he hit all the right spots....well, I usually don't take long, so as soon as my muscles would clamp down on his, well, it was all over for him.

and then he'd roll over and go to sleep.

now, on some nights, it was okay with me as I just needed the release....but on the weekends, I wanted more.

So, I would suggest that he pleasure you in other ways....until you arrive, then move on to his pleasure....that means perhaps oral for you, or manual manipulation....lots of foreplay and cuddling....I think in general, women want more of that anyway.

Alot of times, if he is coming too soon, or can't make it work - and pills, lotions or creams don't work at fixing the problem - it's a mental issue.

cuz if viagra doesn't work - then it's mental (which was my problem with the ex) and if creams and lotions don't numb him enough to slow him down - then it may be mental.

beware of those lotions and creams...I gave some oral once, after using a condom meant to "desensitize" and found out that they use orajel...or something like it and ended up with a numb mouth....that's one of my funny sex stories.

Anyway, there is plenty of ways he can pleasure you without penetration, so that you get yours before he can have his.

and if worse comes to worse, take matters in your own hands and perhaps he will jump in and help.

but then again, I am pretty open, not modest and when I am connected to someone, I don't mind being "assertive".

September 18, 2006
2:18 pm
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southgoingzax
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He used to last longer and now he can't? Sounds like, maybe it's medical? Or he just doesn't want to? You've asked him about it? And what does he say? Obviously he doesn't want to go to a doctor...but I have heard viagra and similar drugs can help with that. I hope you can get him to open up more, it could be something he really should have checked out.

September 18, 2006
2:19 pm
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sdesigns
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justanothermom:

I recently had an experience w/ a boyfriend who just wasn't a good lover. I tried to coach him, we talked a lot about it, I made gentle suggestions, and he just didn't and wouldn't get it. He felt that what he did should be good enough, and that there was somethig wrong with me in that dept since I didn't respond to him like there were fireworks going off.

It came down to he wasn't willing to fill MY needs, even though his needs were filled completely. And much of it has to do with not "going down there" as Lolli so delicately put it, or when he did, it was awful. So I gave up even wanting to try anymore. He made me feel inadequate and I dreaded it.

Its the dif between making love- and wanting to fulfll your partner- and having it be a mutually rewarding and satisfying experience. So its not just the physical and mechanical part- but the mental and emotional part that has to make it work. It sounds like thats where the focus should be w/ hubby. If he really wants to satisfy you physically, he needs to work on wanting to do that, and maybe he's not there yet.

He sounds pretty young to have stamina problems- I know you said he won't go to the doctor, and I don't know how to tell you to encourage that- men are funny that way- but there could be a physical problem that needs resolving. some men have tremendous ego problems when it comes to trying viagra but once they do- that is just a memory.

September 18, 2006
2:31 pm
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taj64
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Im a little confused. On another thread, you just ended things with your married lover on friday. Do you think you trying hard to get things on track too quickly. I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment by rushing it to get what you got from the married guy (not intended to be mean). I find it confusing to be trying to solve one major problem with another. Maybe it is me, but to end one relationship on friday and then jump the next day to a romantic weekend with the hubby is darn confusing to me. Plus you said with wine all night long seems like it would be hard to perform. It takes a lot of time to get things on track, not overnight.

September 18, 2006
2:39 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Taj said what I thought, just better.

I think you need to resolve the "mental" and "emotional" conflicts in your marriage first.

I think you also mentioned that you told your husband about this other guy too...so perhaps he can't get involved with you because he's hurting?

I think it's more important to resolve the unhealthy mental stuff before you can enjoy good sex.

September 18, 2006
2:47 pm
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taj64
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I notice something about the "cheater" not to be mean. But the cheater always wants things to be fixed right away. I have learned that through this site. It is common. If I was hurt and betrayed, worrying about how I perform would be the least of my thoughts in trying to recoup a marriage. Do you think it is a bit selfish? Sorry I don't mean to sound mean but it appears selfish to me at a time like this. You don't come across as wanting to fix things with him but more for yourself. Sorry about that, but that was my thought.

September 18, 2006
3:06 pm
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loverbee
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what if rather than telling him where he is going wrong, you say, hey, can we try this? I heard it can be great. That way you are just introducing new things and letting him know what your fantasies are. Then he cant be too sensitive.

September 18, 2006
3:21 pm
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justanothermom
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Ok I have to clear some things up if someone in this marriage should be mad and not want this to work it would be ME not him. he has had numerous physical affairs and yeah I had an emotional one but I think in some part he pushed me to it because he is never there and yeah I might be jumping in to fast but I am sick and tired of not being satisfied when all I hear is sex..sex...sex. That's all he wants and when I don't give it then that's when he turns to other women. Guess I should have taken my affair to the next level just so I could have been satisfied for a little while anyway.
My marriage is a lot about sex and I have tried change that but he sees it that way and when there is no sex involved then it's out the door and on to another person. I think that's why sex has become so important to me in this marriage. When your husband tells you that he cheats on you because you don't turn him on anymore what would your main concern be. his feelings or leaving him satisfied so there will be no affairs anymore.
I guess some of you have shown me that I need to give it up and move on from this marriage because if I can't think about my needs then this is no marriage. I am fed up with only thinking about what he wants and needs. Yeah I did have a emotional affair and yeah it was wrong but I do believe that with all the affairs that he was in mine was not a fraction of what he did and I am still hear trying to work this out. I am the one that has to think about him with those other women. If anyone’s performance should be bad I think it should be mine. I guess I need to go into full detail next time so I am not being looked down on by others.
I am the type of female that needs the sex, I hate to say it but it's true. Should I say ok no sex for six months because of this other stuff that was going on? If I did I would rally consider a physical affair.

Sorry if I came across rude but my feelings were hurt by some of these posts. I guess if everyone new everything they could understand my point of view and I know that there are others in my position.

Just..:(

September 18, 2006
3:31 pm
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taj64
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I was not out to hurt your feelings at all. but to me it is not an overnight process. Sex seems to be very important to you so sorry but I was looking at a different angle. I was not looking down on you at all. Sorry you feel that way. There are going to be many points of view, not just one. Maybe you just want to hear from people that will tell you exactly what you want to hear. That he is the problem and you are not. And Im not downing you at all. I hope you get what you are looking for. A better sex partner. I find this very distasteful reply so I refrain from staying on it.

September 18, 2006
3:40 pm
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justanothermom
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taj64
I know that there are things in this marraige that are my fault, but I don't think that I am asking to much. I want to know everyone point of view, but some make it out to be tha I am the only one that has caused these problems and i have tried my hardest the last year and a half to make this work. I have delt with this for a long time and I thik that both of our needs are important. Just because I made a mistake doesn't mean that I should be kissing his butt. I told him that I was sorry and I truly am but I think that we both have to work through this and meeting each others needs is part of the process. Well at least I thought it was. guess no feel free to say whatever you think. I guess getting my feelings hurt is part of understanding what I am doing wrong. What do you think I should do? Justsay ok to what he wants and leave it at that? I think that it would be interesting to hear how you think I should handle this.

Just..

September 18, 2006
3:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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frankly, I had not realized he had many sexual affairs.

I think you really need to work on the trust and fix the marriage before the sex can work.

I think it's wrong to believe that if you give him good sex, he won't go looking for it somewhere else. Frequently, the person who cheats is looking to fill a void, and usually it's not a sexual one, despite how it looks.

I think you two have alot to fix first, before you can get to the good sex...and it's not wrong to want that....I just wonder if it's too soon to expect that to be good.

Also, I think that you might also expect better sex, cuz if he's so active with other women, why not with you? I can totally understand that.

Does he WANT to fix things? does he WANT to stay loyal to you.

nevermind your desires...does he want things to change?...cuz if he doesn't, then you can't fix it alone.

September 18, 2006
3:59 pm
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Loralei
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justanothermom, I can certainly relate to your situation. My marriage has been rocky for awhile but just recently it seemed to be getting better. We were feeling closer, communicating better, etc. But nothing has improved in the sex dept. He doesn't "go down there" either so I quit doing that for him awhile back. And he just doesn't cut it in the thrusting dept. He has never been a good lover and I know that isn't going to change. I've had affairs to get what I needed and after our last sexual encounter, I have no doubt that I will have yet more affairs. Staying faithful is the equivalent of celibacy for me since I get little satisfaction at home. I'm trying to keep our marriage together, but it seems the only way to make it work is to rely on other men to fulfill my needs. It's either that or divorce and I really don't want to do that. There are no easy answers.

September 18, 2006
4:05 pm
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taj64
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Sorry I don't feel I made it out to be yours alone. It takes two ya know. I can understand your feelings. I just see that it was a lot more involved than what you wrote. You didn't mention any of that. You ahve a lot of suppressed stuff and it all came pouring out so blow up if you have to. Trust is very important and once that is betrayed it is hard to gain it. Doesn't mean that it can't happen though. If both of you want to have it, then both of you have to work at it. If you makes a mistake, you have to make amends for it, but that doesn't mean kissing butt either. It doesn't mean compromisng yourself to perform something in bed. Listen Im no expert, but I do know that now that you "exploded" I can understand. You're angry so that is really the problem. How to overcome being angry. You're still angry with him for other things. I think deal with that first before you fix things in the area of sex. It is hard for me to advice. I certainly didnt mean to hurt your feelings, for one I didn't know your story. I just know having numerous affairs is very destructive and causes a lot of resentment, anger etc. Sometimes saying sorry is not enough. You're right, you have to work through it and takes a LOT of time so why don't you allow the time and not expect too much in the beginning. Don't blow up at me for trying to have thoughts or suggest I was out to hurt you for expressing something I saw that perhaps was different than others. It was not intended to hurt. I wish you luck.

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