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The Never-Ending Cycle- PLEASE HELP!
February 12, 2007
1:40 pm
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curlybrown
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So I finally say no more and stick to the no more. No more emotional abuse. No more taking the victim role. No more putting up with the verbal criticism or accusations. I stick to it at each and every incident- as the predator always tries to turn-it-around. I stick my guns and say "No More". So now what? I have a husband who I'm not sure really believes me. He comes back home writes a letter to apologize for everything he's done wrong- but I just don't believe it. I didn't respond at all and now we just don't talk. Does he think this is the next part of the cycle? What do I do? Do I just go along and wait for him to leave? I feel like this is abuse as well. Am I wrong?

I am so tired of the lies. I am so tired of the false promises. How do I proceed?

February 12, 2007
1:46 pm
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shallot
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I wish I had the answers and could help but I think in all honesty the only thing that can be done is that you stand by what you have said and continue to say "NO MORE"

February 12, 2007
3:08 pm
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soprano2
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No, you are not wrong. Him stopping all communication with you because you are "No More"ing is very selfish and childish. It reminds me of my four year old when I tell him that he can't have snack right before dinner.

What do you do? That is a huge question. It is very difficult to be in a relationship when there is no communication (I have been in one for years).

My advice is to stick to your "No More" policy. The more consistent you are, the more you are going to be able to see how he reacts to what you are doing. And remember that you are only responsible for what you do and say--NOT what he does and says.

As far as his lies and empty promises--they will probably start to bug you more and more as you realize how many and how frequent they are. I used to keep track of my husband's honesty and manipulations. Guess which notebook got filled up first? It is hard to confront someone with these problems, but you can do it. I also found journaling very good for this. That way I got out all of my emotion and anger before I confronted him. It was easier for him to hear what I had to say (I must say, in my case, at the time, I really did still love him, I just didn't like him so much because of his actions.)

It is a bumpy road, I must tell you. But if you are firm, he will either realize that he will need to change, or you are going to change--and you have some power to change yourself within the situation.

Welcome to the never-ending cycle. I would say that inside the cycle it sucks, but when the cycle is over--any way it gets over, life is full of opportunities and changes.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

s2

February 12, 2007
3:08 pm
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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Exactly! Consistency is the Key Word here, my love! Continue to be consistent with him, and then he will learn to believe to take you at your word. And, that you now seriously do mean Business!

Take care sweetie. 🙂

Trying.

February 12, 2007
3:20 pm
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curlybrown
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Thanks for the advice on consistency. When there is so much stress it sometimes is difficult to come up with the right solutions.

Soprano- you made me laugh with your candid analogy to your four-year and snacking b4 dinner. I have a 5 year old and I definitely see it!

Thanks for the reminders it is very useful in my current situation.

I hope its not too much to ask of people I don't know- Can I get you guys support on doing things right? I definitely feel better after reading what each of you have to say. It gives me an inner strength as I no longer feel like the crazy one.

February 12, 2007
3:29 pm
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soprano2
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Let me tell you.

Five months ago, I felt like I was the only person in the world with these kind of problems. I had no idea that there were so many people searching for ideas and answers out in the world.

I was a freaking mess. I didn't know what way was up, and I was looking for quick fixes to an impossible situation.

When I found this site, I didn't know what to expect, but I have found beautiful women and men all over the world that have some of the same issues that I have. There is comfort in that.

I have recieved advice, constructive criticism, cyber-hugs and friendship from this site, and it has very quickly become a valuable part of my day.

Yes, we support everyone here. We may not always have the answers--but I believe really that the answers are always inside a person. Sometimes you just need help finding them.

You will soon learn that you have inner strength--you just need to tap into it. And with encouragement and ideas from here, I know that you can do it.

And always, feel free to share you ideas for others too. We are all on a path of learning. We may be at different steps, but we can all help each other.

It was nice talking with you. Please keep me updated. My story is on several threads if you want to know anything about me. My latest one is something like "the moment when I knew things need to change" (something like that, you figure that I would pick an easier name to remember). It was started a few weeks ago, so you might need to go back farther than a week.

Off to pick up kids now. (Do you have a boy or a girl? I have one of each.)

s2

February 12, 2007
4:35 pm
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curlybrown
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S2- Thanks for the encouraging and inspirational words. I read ur thread and girl how do you do it? I am SO proud of you! Keeping four jobs; keeping it together when ur son asked ur friends if that was his family; keeping the peace while ur husband left and is gone; getting ready to go through surgery! God Bless You! You deserve the best and am sure God will bless you!

I have one boy- he keeps my spirits up! Thanks for keeping an open-ear for me- it is very helpful. Especially that the "poor me" syndrome is starting at home.

February 13, 2007
11:37 am
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soprano2
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I can only take it day by day. If I think about it, it makes me want to scream and give up.

It is good that your boy keeps your spirit up. It is amazing how they know at such an early age just when mom needs a hug.

February 17, 2007
12:52 am
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thedogsmom
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I haven't been able to do it myself. I keep forgetting and forgiving and believing his false promises and then getting dissapointed again.. ONLY YOU can stop the cycle..by MEANING what you say. I keep threatening to break up with him..keep telling him he needs to move out.. but then after I lose the anger...I forgive and let him get away with his actions..and try to forgive and then...here we go again..
ONly YOU can stop the cycle by standing your ground. Deciding what you will accept and what you will do IF he doesn't comply or change.. and then sticking to your guns. IT is NO EASY task ..believe me ..I know.. codependents have the BIGGEST HEARTS and are quick to look at the good and ignore the BAD.. BUT I TRULY WISH..that I had STUCK To my GUNS the FIRST TIME>>> with him... and I wouldn't have had to endure more than two years of HELL with him on the horrible emotional rollercoaster ride.
YOu got good advice above. Journaling!!. It did help me to REMEMBER.. HOW OFTEN ..HE promised!! HOW OFTEN..HE LIED and stayed out too late!...etc.. IT made me feel a bit foolish for threatening and not living up to my threats...to end the relationship!.. NO WONDER he continued to abuse me! I LET him get away with it..time and time again.. HE quickly learned which buttons to push (my guilt--my sympathy--buttons) and he used it to his advantage to continue to TAKE advantage! I am angry at MYSELF! FOr being weak! and being forgiving at the expense of my own health and well being.. I am still in this cycle.. but HOPE you can have more sense and strength to 1) decide what you want/need from him.. 2) to decide what you will do IF he can't keep up his end of the bargain ..and 3) to set forward in your plan to move on without him.
TDM

February 20, 2007
7:02 pm
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student1
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Break away. It's hard, but you can do it. There is a destiny waiting for you, find it. Life is precious, I dedicate the new Carrie Underwood song to you -Waisted.

1) Become a stong woman.
2) Be a strong woman.
3) Stay a strong woman.

February 20, 2007
9:01 pm
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puky
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i understand your pain im living it my husband cheated 4 times says he will never do it again but here i am why

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