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The moments when I know things need to change
January 27, 2007
9:58 am
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ggfred4
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S2,
So sweet of you to think of me with so much on your plate. I am finally progressing and started work this week after much pleading with the doctor. I am still on crutches though and must have physical therapy three times a week, so this was a very long week. My doctor told me last week that my recovery will be long and slow and that I must be very patient, which I am not when it comes to myself...so I am trying because I do not want another surgery and I need this to heal properly.

I am happy that you have been diagnosed and will have surgery to correct your heart. Please keep us updated. Take care, you are doing great!!!!.........hugs from gg

January 29, 2007
2:50 pm
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soprano2
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MJ--

So know that feeling. That feeling of "what the hell am I doing?????" That feeling of complete silence.

There is so much that you want to say, but how much do you really want to open back up?

For me, I know that I shut down. I shut down when he started choosing other things. I used to get angry, then I just became complacent. I was that way for several years.

Then I just woke up one day and decided to work on myself instead.

So, we still sit in silence. We talk about the kids every once in a while, but not that often. Do I miss the intimate talks we used to have? Of course I do. But I am no longer willing to give to a relationship that doesn't give back.

Are you familiar with Stephen Covey's thoughts on relationships?

If not, I will brief you in. I heard this many years ago, but it wasn't until I reached the breaking point with my husband that I truly understood it.

Think of a bank. At a bank, you have two different transactions that you can do to your account.

1. You can make a deposit. You need deposits so that you have money to pay your bills.

2. You make withdrawls. You use the withdrawls to pay your bills or have some fun money to go shopping.

You cannot make a withdrawl without a deposit. You can make a deposit without a withdrawl.

Relationships are like bank accounts. You have friends that make deposits every day--a kind word, a favor, a thought, a moment of support. These are all things that leave you feeling good or thankful--"deposits" into your emotional well being.

You personally make withdrawls. You may have a friend that needs your help, or you may stop to encourage someone else--these are very healthy withdrawls to make. Sometimes we have unhealthy withdrawls--our negative thoughts and pessimism about ourself can take our emotional "money".

Sometimes, we make too many withdrawls and have no one depositing. This is I think where I am at least. I give and give and give and get nothing back from most people. It is very sad, and you don't even realize it until that pattern is set. I don't realize that I have nothing left to withdrawl until it is too late.

We need both healthy deposits and withdrawls. We need to know our limit so that we have healthy emotional spending habits.

Just one of those philisophical theories, but I find it very interesting.

I keep working on keeping my witdrawls within my limits. It is very hard, but I have realized when I put limits on how much I give (or withdraw), I tend to be more independent and less codependent.

Hope that you are hanging in there.

s2

January 30, 2007
10:41 am
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mj
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Thank YOU Soprano for sharing that illuminating story! I like it! No wonder things feel out of balance sometimes in relationships.

Balance! Balance in Everything.

Yesterday I spent 14 hrs. with hubby. We didn't talk only when we wanted to share and it felt really nice. At one point I felt like he genuinely enjoyed my company. We stopped at a friend of his, an elderly lady we haven't seen for 3 or more years. He withdrew those good feelings I had deposited when he told her that I give him shit when he doesn't come home when I think he should. I listened and then replied. I don't recall feeling that way at all. I looked at his friend and said, I just ate my dinner because I was hungry and figured taking care of myself is so important.

Of course this morning, I had thoughts of Why did HE Say that? There was Absolutely No reason for that? Was it because He wanted HIS Friend to know What I am LIKE? It felt really unhealthy for me.

I will become more aware of those deposits and withdrawls! Thanks Soprano!

January 30, 2007
10:56 am
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Anonymous
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mj,

Durn annoying head games...come out and say what is bothering you Mr.

Sorry to hear that. ((((mj)))

January 30, 2007
10:58 am
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Anonymous
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Soprano,

Thank you so much for that thought. I missed reading on here...I can remember that things can be better because of me when everyone here is supporting each other. Thanks (((soprano))).

January 31, 2007
10:08 am
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soprano2
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Thanks, girls! I appreciate your kind words.

MJ
I think that it is sad when a grown man needs to make negative comments about his wife in front of others because he is looking for empathy or sympathy. That is a bunch of crap!!!!

I hope that you tell him how it made you feel. He may not even be aware of it--so you might need to help him figure out when he does that--especially if there is a pattern of that behavior.

I know that my husband in front of me always cut me down for this or that, but he said that he always said good things about me when I was not there. I eventually told him that I didn't believe him because I need to hear the good things from him in order to want to do more good things. It started quite a fight.

But, then again, he was sleeping with his high school sweetheart at the time, so I am sure he was trying to make himself believe that I really was a piece of crap.

Anyway, enough rambling. I hope that you get some good deposits today from people that love you. You deserve them!!!

s2

January 31, 2007
10:18 am
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Anonymous
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Soprano,

I didn't realize he had slept with her. Wow...cheating and alcoholism...he really has dished out a lot of crap hasn't he?

January 31, 2007
10:33 am
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soprano2
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And the list could keep on going and going. At least the end of the tunnel is just a few days away. Nine to be exact.

I am excited. He is starting to have mixed feelings about it. I really don't care about his feelings anymore.

I am a little bit nervous about how the kids are going to react, but I am sure that I will do what I have to do.

Looking forward to my new freedom, and I am hoping to work on making myself healthy--both physically and emotionally.

January 31, 2007
10:07 pm
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Anonymous
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Soprano,

you are so tough "I really don't care about his feelings anymore."

That is a great line. He obviously doesn't care about yours unless it is convenient for him, so it is karma Mr. Meanie.

9 days...amazing.

February 1, 2007
9:49 am
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soprano2
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I know. My mom called me heartless yesterday because she feels like I am being so cold to him--not wanting him to be involved in my surgery.

I told her that I didn't want to spend my life in a loveless marriage. I wanted to add like you did, but that probably would have made me heartless.

Hopefully everything will go smoothly over the next week. I am going out of town this weekend, so that is three less days that I have to deal with him. I am a little bit upset though because he is having a superbowl party on Sunday at the house with my kids there. I am hoping that everything will be ok. If not, he will see my wrath when I get home Sunday evening.

February 1, 2007
10:26 am
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mj
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Your mom didn't suffer in your shoes so trust yourself Soprano. Mom's just want us happy and sometimes they think they know. I am glad your countdown is getting less. Do you have a fun activity planned for yourself this weekend?

February 1, 2007
7:18 pm
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soprano2
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Yes. I am going to Atlanta for a conference for one of my jobs. It is going to be fun and interesting.

February 1, 2007
9:41 pm
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mj
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I hope you have a great time!!!!

February 5, 2007
11:13 am
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soprano2
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MJ--

I had an awesome time. It was very inspiring and uplifting to hear stories of how this little business is changing lives all over the world. I heard tons of quotes from Codependent No More too within all of the talks. And I learned that I have a chance to go to Hawaii for free. I am going to work hard for that because I really need a vacation.

As far as my countdown goes? Four days. FOUR DAYS!!!!! I can't believe it. I am so excited. I can't wait for that either.

Maybe I will find some georgous hunk on the beach of Hawaii when I go 🙂 (Just kidding.)

Have a great day!!

s2

February 5, 2007
1:00 pm
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mj
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That is so Awesome. Love YOU Attitude Soprano! The time away appears to have done a world of good!

I went to a class on Friday, techniques of interviewing, and got out and took another resume this morning. They had already filled the position.

Have you ever been to Hawaii? I hope you win the trip!

February 5, 2007
9:03 pm
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soprano2
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I have never been anywhere, so it will be great to go. Some hard work is involved, but I am up for the challenge.

What do you do that you are looking for a position?

(I saw on the other site that you are not a teacher, but you have a friend that is, so I was just curious.)

Hope you find one. (((MJ)))

s2

February 5, 2007
9:13 pm
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mj
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Your attitude will help with your success! Will you be able to pull it off with your upcoming surgery?

What do I do? Anything I can is probably the best answer. During my lifetime I have done various occupations. Animal Control officer, telephone installer, Sales,
then my most rewarding career was as a Commercial Photographer. I earned my BS through a full-tuition scholarship and opened my own Studio with a rich partner. I did that for 5 years until I got married to my second husband. I didn't work for 8 years. I took my LSat because I wanted to study law but he discouraged that. We make too much money, you don't need a career. So, later we didn't have all that money and we bought a mom-pop grocery store and then got divorced. So I tried to reopen my second Photo business. Not successful. I then got married, 4 mos, and started a residential cleaning company which I did for 3 years. Broke my ankle and my next career was in Property & Casualty Insurance. Then Mary Kay 🙂

So at this point, I am applying for anything because I guess I am desparate. Does that make me a desparate housewife 🙂

February 5, 2007
10:35 pm
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soprano2
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I see. Sounds like you have had some great experiences.

Are you still doing Mary Kay????

That is kind of what I do, but it is not with Mary Kay. It is with The Body Shop and The Body Shop At Home. They do Girl's Nights Out with their products, and I have fallen in love with all of their products. I absolutely love their social values--especially their domestic violence campaign.

It is changing my life that is for sure.

I can see why you are applying for anything. Good luck. I know that there is a place for you somewhere.

s2

February 5, 2007
10:36 pm
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soprano2
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And, no that doesn't make you a desperate housewife.

That makes you a person that is looking for something to make you happy.

There's a big difference. 🙂

(((MJ)))

February 5, 2007
11:09 pm
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mj
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I guess my attempt at humor paled!

I still have lots of inventory, so I am doing MK as long as I still have product left. Glad you like what you are doing too! Thanks for the Support! In all honesty, I would be happy doing the domestic thing. I get so pressured trying to sell me.

Hugs back at you!

February 7, 2007
7:34 pm
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soprano2
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Sorry I didn't pick up on the humor.

Surgery is scheduled for February 26th. That's only 19 days from now. Got lots to plan to get it all together.

Hopefully I can figure it out.

February 12, 2007
10:37 am
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Anonymous
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So is your husband like gone...good and gone to Florida?

That is a lot to plan...do you have someone to watch your kids?

What do the docs say about recovery time? If you have to lay around in bed with a lap top we are here...oh wait you use the computer at school right?

Will you be able to check in here and there, then?

I hope so...so you can get all the support you need! 🙂

I want to give all those friends a big hug that have been there for you!! (((Soprano and all her wonderful supportive friends)))

February 12, 2007
2:36 pm
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soprano2
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AG-

Yes, he's gone. And the funniest thing is that my kids haven't even asked for him. How strange. And he has not called either. What a great break!!!!!

My kids are at daycare during the day. My evenings will be spent with them on the days that I do not work, and then the days that I do, I will need to hire a babysitter. Not the best thing in the world, but I will do what I have to to have my freedom.

The doctors say that I am going to need about four days to recover. I guess the surgery is outpatient--hard to believe that heart surgery can be outpatient--unless there are complications.

I am going to be staying at a friend's house, and they have internet, so I will be able to keep in contact with my support system here. I am looking forward to seeing how much better I feel after it is over.

And thanks for giving out a big hug to all of my friends here. Make sure that you are on that list.

(((((all of my friends that support me everyday)))))

s2

February 12, 2007
3:51 pm
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mj
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Heart surgery is outpatient! That is fantastic! I hope that you are able to enjoy your children today. Hugs to all

February 13, 2007
11:39 am
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soprano2
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And I get to enjoy them today too--no school!!!!! Probably for today and tomorrow. Lucky us midwesterners.

Yes, I was surprised when they told me that I would not be admitted into the hospital. But I am not going to complain. I would rather recover at a friend's house anyway. Then I can sit and watch movies and type on here all day. Plus, I will have tons of time to read CNM. I usually don't have much time during the week, and the study is quickly catching up to where I am this time.

Have a good day.
s2

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