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the Middle of the Night
September 29, 2003
10:37 am
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artist 2
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Ok. For all who have been following my tale, please forgive me. I have more forks in my path than I can keep up with.

Last night I woke at 2:00 and lay there thinking about stuff. The thing that's been gnawing at me, I've just buried it until last night.

Once I realized what it was, there was a warm a feeling of comfort, of calm. it was as it my soul was relieved that I wasn't ignoring it any more. I realize I was being true to myself.

Anyone know what this feels like?

September 29, 2003
10:46 am
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mj
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I was at an Easter Picnic....a lamb roast back in 2000 when the words I believe...were Shakesphere? flew into my head.

To Thine Own Self be True.

I am not sure why or how they showed up but I knew that I needed to be Me.

A few weeks later, I arrived at my first twelve step meeting...and then found this same inscription on a 24 hr medallion.

So, Artist...are you saying that you are being true to yourself by staying or just sharing this experience?

September 29, 2003
10:53 am
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artist 2
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MJ, thanks for asking. I was being shy about sharing because the story is so long for so long.

Both. I wanted to share the feeling, that moment of clarity, of warmth, of yes, of seeing... me.

I shouldn't stay. What I realized was that I still want to have a child. He doesn't . That just about draws the line, that just about makes the decision, that clears the board. I had given up on the idea, because of him.

Now, I feel excited about the idea, and scared. It's worth a try - with someone else.

September 29, 2003
11:02 am
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mj
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Artist...I am glad that you came to terms with you last night.

Wow, maybe that is why you resent his son so much cause he didn't want you to have a child....this makes alot of sense to me.

Just go slow....if you can...and get out of this relationship and heal before....is your biological clock ticking or do you have time to enjoy being true to yourself first?

September 29, 2003
11:13 am
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artist 2
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40 and climbing... so much to think about.

That's it. He's really a sweet and loving child. His bad behavior is a reaction to my attitude. I see that now, and perhaps have known it all along. Just can't seem to welcome him into my arms as a son, because the baby is in the way.

Next post: How do I end it? Maybe everyone doesn't want to hear about it... I think I should just tell him as soon as possible. Tonight? Should I wait for a good time, or just do it? So much to think about...

September 29, 2003
11:19 am
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mj
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Are you absolutely sure about this?

I have read in your posts how much you love your boyfriend. Maybe if you really sat down and communicated, he would understand how important this really is to you. I know you have been working hard on your private space and you do love his son.

Are you sure this is an absolute with him? If you talk to him and express this, then maybe he will be given the opportunity to know that it is really important and that you would be willing to walk away to get it..or this would help you walk away?

It is pretty confusing to me. I just know that for the first time you have told us here....and maybe you need to give him some time to explore his feelings on this one as well. When was the last time you talked about it with him?

September 29, 2003
11:22 am
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mj
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and....please feel free to tell us your story...Hug

You are important and special. Hey, we all have our days when we need support. Don't feel like you can't be asking for support or we have failed to be friends. Big Hugs.

September 29, 2003
11:34 am
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Thanks MJ. Well, I really do love him, but also agree that love just isn't enough sometimes. He doesn't want me to get pregnant. Said it just the other night. Seems pretty certain, black and white.

But, if I do talk to him, like I'm talking here - you know, explain in the same way - that he'll be able to reconsider. I'm just no holding out any hopes...

It's just come to the surface here - inside me too. Must have been there just underneath the ice...

Thanks for being a friend. I will keep you all posted on how it goes.

September 29, 2003
3:16 pm
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Ok..but remember, taking care of oneself doesn't mean others will give us what we want and need. Being true to oneself means living our life as we want and having some disappointments along with the freedom of choices. Just like you have choices...so does he.

I am hoping that you can communicate to him just how important this is too him and love him enough to understand that he has his choices as well.

This is a new concept that I am learning. It use to be my way or the highway...i'd go. Now, I am learning that I can't always have everything my way and I am finding that if I put it in my higher powers hands...I usually get lots better results. But that is just me....Hugs and Best Wishes.

September 29, 2003
3:36 pm
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Yeah... thanks. As I contemplate begin true to myself, and allowing him his own choice too, the weight is lifting. It feels good to let go of this whole thing.

September 29, 2003
4:28 pm
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yea, twice had that feeling both times right after leaving Sybil, har har har..... it only takes one no in a relationship, to make a decision. Babies aren't something you can force some one into and have the dream come true. Congrats on coming to a decision, and feeling complete with it. Take the leap,this isn't a dress rehursal, this is your life, go for it.

September 29, 2003
4:55 pm
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Thanks Molly, for know ing and saying I can do it, reflecting it back to me...

September 30, 2003
11:08 am
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mj
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Last night I was watching the final episode of Paradise Hotel?
I don't know what the draw was but I think it was watching couples choose dates and their body language. At the end, watching each person being true to themselves was interesting.

It made me think of us here at AAC.
Trying to figure out what works and what doesn't and then to go on and implement these new concepts into our lives.

Hope that you are ok today Artist. Big Hug

September 30, 2003
11:25 am
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artist 2
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I'm good today, thanks MJ. Just looking for the right time to broach the subject. It might be tonight. I'm sad because we do have a lot of love and caring for each other. But, babies are a big decision for both as well. I do hope he can reconsider.

October 1, 2003
11:24 am
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mj
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Morning artist2:)
Just checking in to see if you are feeling any different today?

October 2, 2003
2:44 pm
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artist 2
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Hey MJ! Still feel the same. I plan on talking to him about the child thing on Friday. I still want to try and will let him know I haven't forgotten about it. I will give him a chance to say "no" and then let him know I need to be true to myself, and want I want in my life. It's hard because we love each other so much, and have become a family over the past year. It will be hard to leave and start over somewhere else. But, life isn't always easy.

October 2, 2003
2:45 pm
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artist 2
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Hey MJ! Still feel the same. I plan on talking to him about the child thing on Friday. I still want to try and will let him know I haven't forgotten about it. I will give him a chance to say "no" and then let him know I need to be true to myself, and want I want in my life. It's hard because we love each other so much, and have become a family over the past year. It will be hard to leave and start over somewhere else. But, life isn't always easy. I'm just glad I know what I want now. Sometimes that part gets really confusing.

October 6, 2003
11:03 am
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artist 2
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We talked. He still says no. I am trying to decide whether to leave or not. I go back and forth on what I want and it's maddening. It's hard because the love I feel for him now is so good, but the situation is hard. If I leave the situation, I will also leave love. I hate the thought of lonliness, of waking each morning alone, and going to sleep alone, of coming home with no one there to talk to about my day, of reading something and not having him to turn to and share with... I hate not having him with me, as hard as it can be sometimes. And now, I'm stuck in the middle again...

October 6, 2003
11:11 am
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mj
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Seems to me, Artist2, you're not stuck at all. You are thoughtful exploring your options here and making the best decision you know how to.

You had the courage to ask and he answered honestly. Maybe it wasn't the answer you wanted but its him taking care of himself.

Now, by thoughtful looking at the situation, you decide what you want and accept it. You aren't stuck unless you think you are. Big HUG.

October 6, 2003
2:24 pm
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Cool. And thanks... As long as there are options, it's going to be ok, I guess.

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