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The love of my life, abusive and still never over him.
May 16, 2007
5:15 pm
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hopeful for change
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I was just reading another thread on signs of an abuser, and they so hit home. I replyed but didn't want to hog the thread and really need to figure this out:

But when I read the top of this, it reminded me so much of my ex husband. But, here is the warped part. The way he was over jealous and controlling etc gave me some warped sense of true love. He always told me no one would ever love me like he did. He had all the traits described above. However he had this way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the world to him, the most beautiful, the most loved etc.

I come from a childhood of abuse and this probably has something to do with it, always wanted to feel loved etc.

It was an act of god for me to get away from this guy, it about killed me. He had a drug problem and was controlling, abusive, stalking me, scaring me. Yet in my mind, he was my true love of my life.

I forced myself away from him and never felt like I got over it, and seven years later still feel he is the love of my life. Scared to be around him, because he knows exactly what to do to pull me in, say just the right things etc. -

I got remarried and went through the same stuff like ma strong, a sexless unloving marriage...probably another form of abuse to an alcholic. I just had major back surgery and he kicked me out, while I can't work.

Anyway, I still think about my ex, the love of my life guy...what the hell is wrong with me.

I guess After seven years, I still wish I had the good parts back, feeling so loved and someone touching me the way he did, the good parts.

I am on a waiting list for counseling, but I am noticing this is myself the wanting to reach out to him, and that would open a big can of worms. that is probably a fantasy.

I know this is not logical.

May 16, 2007
5:32 pm
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StronginHim77
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hopeful -

Everything you shared makes sense to me. I have been in your shoes. And these abusive men have a way of telling us that no one will "ever love us as much as they do." I have heard ALL of my abusive ex-partners use those exact, same words.

So, ask yourself a simple question: If you love someone, would YOU yell at them? rage at them? steal from them? prefer doing drugs or drinking to being with them? betray them? lie to them? cheat on them? Hit them? leave them anxious, worried, scared, insecure? Discount their feelings and emotional needs?

Of course you wouldn't. Because YOU are capable of love. Abusers aren't. So they tell us what we need to hear...want to hear...to put up with their abuse, year after year.

But we know in our hearts the Truth: they don't "love" us...they simply USE us.

Stand strong. I sure hope you are able to get in counseling soon. It will help you alot to resist the temptation to return to that toxic man. Believe me, if you do return to him, his mistreatment of you would only escalate. It would get worse.

Grieve over the loss of the "false hope" you have nursed (that he could truly love you, as you need to be loved) and move on, as bravely as you can.

And keep posting. We are here for you.

Love,

Ma Strong

May 16, 2007
5:46 pm
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Anonymous
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I can empathize. It´s been 8 years, and I miss the good parts of my marriage. However they cannot substitute for the moments of solitude, professional accomplishments, friendships, true contact with nature, animals and kids without jeaulousy attacks. I´m far from where I could be, but I know better about myself, what I need, want, can give. Hopeful, it may little for others, but our growth on this level is worth it. There is a fantastic world out there. Maybe we just need to attract it!!

May 16, 2007
5:52 pm
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lovemedo
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Hopeful, I absolutely understand where you are ocming from. I know my guy was the love of my life,. well, one half of him was, the other half was a nightmare. It's only been 2 weeks since we had our last fight and every evening before bed, I will him to ring me. But every morning I wake up angry at the way he used me and feel I never want to hear from him again. You're right Strong. They do use us then spit us out when they choose, expecting us to be right there when they decide to come back. That's not love.

May 16, 2007
6:13 pm
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nappy
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My ex said that to me that there would be no other man that would love me like him.

I laugh!

I told him yeah right! You are not the only man that is on this earth.

And the one true man that I know loves me and will not leave me is Jesus.

Well he never tried and pull that bullshit line on me again.

Nappy

May 16, 2007
11:01 pm
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hopeful for change
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I guess my warped mind in some ways took his jealousy as an act of love, and made me feel loved. However it was to extreme where I had to alot of times look at the ground and not make eye contact with someone. Even if I was talking to one of his freinds then I would have to hear about it, his friends wouldn't believe me...they never saw that side of him.

I think we both came from very bad childhoods, and maybe that's one thing we did have in common. We understood how we both didn't have the love we needed. And he did have this way of making me feel beautiful, so loved, so wanted. He could be the most romantic man in the entire world. As far as that side it couldn't have been better. Just the way he looked at me, stroked my hair, wrote me poems, sang me songs, the way we made love made me feel so adored and loved and I never even looked at another man. Although no matter how much I reassured him, it didn't help.

He had a huge drug problem wich I do belive added to his crazy behavior. However although I think the drugs have quit now, he still drinks heavily I am sure.

I was heartbroken that he chose drugs over me, our family. I gave him every chance. I ended up in a nervous breakdown and it felt like I was the one trying to stay off crack, day by day staying away from him. I never wanted it to end. I just didn't want the drug related crap.

I always thought it would be easier if he were dead, because he still walked this earth and we were not together, and it was his fault his choice.

When I ended it, it took restraing orders etc and he stalked me for years, thinking I would cave in.

I was having anxiety attacks and like I said a nervous breakdown.

Then my next mistake was I met this guy the total opposite and I forced myself to be with someone different. The total opposite in appearance everything, not my"typical" type. Well he didn't do drugs and I overlooked the drinking.

When I say opposite, I mean in everyway never a compliment, a touch, sex, the feeling of being in love. But I took it, it was safe...he was funny and we were more like friends. But I never got over the ex.

Now this guy is over to after all these years of a sexless loveless marriage I feel like I have served time in jail or something. So for all these years I have missed the good stuff from the ex.

With my huge surgery and all going on in the last year this has been my focus and now that I am away I find myself all of a sudden slipping back in my thinking and missing the good stuff.

I would love to have the good stuff without the bad. God I hope they get me in to counseling soon

May 17, 2007
5:39 am
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Worried_Dad
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I believe that your emotional distress has two sources.

First, you have been injured--in your mind spirit, emotions...and in your brain. Abuse causes brain injury to the amygdala, hypothalamus and corpus callosum.

Secondly, your software has been damaged--like with a computer virus.

The "no one will ever love you...." is a classic virus.

Best I can tell, the way to get over it is by upgrading your software.

If you get clear on what constitutes healthy versus abusive relationship, you can make some headway towards healing, even if you have sustained injury.

Your wistful memories are a normal thing. But when you start to realize how badly you have been taken and start to get really pissed off about it--that will be a true sign of healing.

May 17, 2007
6:31 am
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courage to change
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Hi guys

Any one else found a new love in their life.

I found me, and my higher power. What about you guys.

At the end of the day it doesnt matter what they do whether its abuse or not, its how much we love ourselves, to remove ourselves from the situation.

Do we want to put ourselves through another ordeal, or can we love ourselves enough to take care of us, and to move forward.

What do you think?

Godbless xx

May 17, 2007
6:36 am
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nvr2late
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hopeful..I can so relate...
but my ex comes around every day..and tries to pull me back in with that line..but then I see him and his new g/f at the bar...nothing changes.

but I do remember my ex-mother-in-law saying that about my ex's father..an alcoholic his whole life..beating the kids (surprise! my ex is living his father's life!!)
and emotionally abusing her.

after 40 YEARS of marriage, I sat there while my ex father in law said to her...'YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!' in front of everyone...she just got up and walked away..
I followed and said..'why would you put UP with that????"

she said..'no one would love me like he does'..

ok, so when did that define LOVE????

I am sure she was miserable until he died.

and now my ex takes over his legacy.

be careful what you think LOVE is in that sentence.

nvr

May 17, 2007
6:42 am
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Yes it is very sad.

I see my father treat my mother totally disrespectfully. My mother is a wonderful person, but codependent.

I have removed myself from my family, cause I dont have the energy to play the games any longer. I see my mother, by herself as and when it is healthy for me. I love her dearly. Hopefully some of my recovery rubs off on her. She is an amazing lady.

The best thing I can ever do, is not get involved in such crap.And believe me its absolute RUBBISH.

Been there,done it, and its boring. Living your own life is so much more freeing, but very scary.

Good luck xxx

May 17, 2007
8:16 am
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Yes I need to rewrite some software for sure.

I did become angry, I thought I dealt with it all. I have stayed away, it about killed me.

But...why now do I have to have my emotions about it again. I know in my mind that it is not right.

I am at a point now with a new beginning, living in my friends basement with my kids and recovering from back surgery and at the moment can't work. I have been very optimistic and feel in a better place. I need to stay away from However I do not want to regress or go backwards.

It is stupid. I know that even if he is off drugs his patterns are still there of jealousy, controlling, rage, and alcoholism even if he hides them in the beginning.

I deserve better than that.

I will not go backwards. For one I can't do that to my kids.

May 17, 2007
8:32 am
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Hi Hopeful

i do understand what you are say.

Have you wondered what emotional need you want from him, that maybe you are not giving yourself.

Are you searching for love from an emotionally unavailable man. Do you need to apply that love to yourself. Is it touch you want? Then maybe, hugs or massage can deal that. Try and work out what your need is and then give it to yourself.
Are your lonely, then meet up with a friend.

Hope that sort of makes sense. Thats what I try to do, and it does work. xx

May 17, 2007
12:42 pm
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hopeful for change
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The emotional need I would want from him. Just the feeling of being loved, cared about, desired. The feeling of safety when he had his arms around me, comfort. Just those feelings.

Good idea.

May 17, 2007
1:58 pm
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courage to change
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So how do you intend to give that comfort to yourself then?

xxx

May 17, 2007
3:55 pm
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nappy
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hopeful,

You say you want the feeling of being loved.

Why can't you love yourself.

You say you want the feeling of being cared about?

Why can't you care about yourself.

You say you want the feeling of feeling safe when he has his arms around you.

Why can't you hug yourself.

I just feel that somewhere in there, this man stop doing all of these things, so stop feeling for him to want to do these things, do them for yourself.
You are worth every bit of wanting these feeling but you have to give them to yourself first before you can want someone else to give it to you.

Come on, let hug together (((HOPEFUL))) (((NAPPY)))

real tight now.

Now don't that feel better. (smile)

Nappy!

May 18, 2007
8:10 am
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hopeful for change
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I am trying to focus on myself and take care of myself. I think I am doing a good job in mys ituation, it just worrys me the wandering thoughts, and makes me think I am nuts.

No going back.

May 18, 2007
2:19 pm
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StronginHim77
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hopeful -

There is nothing to "go back to." This man who dumped you is cruel, selfish, utterly inhuman. You need peace, healing and support, both emotionally and financially. I wouldn't even take his money. He will use it to maintain contact with you, keep you dependent upon him. Forget him. Move on. You will heal. The only way you can go now is UP.

- Ma Strong

May 18, 2007
7:38 pm
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no this is my other ex ma.

I just pray that God heals my spine.

May 18, 2007
7:50 pm
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_anonymous
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You are responding to the rejection by regressing to an earlier stage in your life. This protects your ego so the pain you are going through is not so bad. Replace these dysfunctional relationships with something healthy

May 18, 2007
10:46 pm
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REgressing, that sounds about right. I do not want an unhealthy relationship. I do not even want one really. I give up, it seems there is no one out there for me. It doesn't need to be my focus anyway.

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