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The light at the end of the tunnel
August 28, 2007
6:36 am
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foolfoolfool
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Ah life!

It never ceases to amaze me how what goes around comes around...

I recently moved house & after a crazy topsy turvey on again off again relationship with my ex the move has not only created a new place of residence but a huge change in thinking.

Last time i posted i mentioned that i had found peace with my ex. That i was calm about the reasons we werent together & confident we could be friends without all of the turmoil of the past.

I had a few hic ups in the 1st few weeks where my old way of thinking slipped back in & i got sad or angry, but i was able to slip out of it pretty quickly.

This change in my attitude has served me well as i am moving full steam ahead with my life & havent cried in a month!!!... BUT now my ex is asking for NO CONTACT! She is saying that she feels hurt because she's not "feeling the love" from me anymore & it pains her to see me having fun & making plans with everyone but her... She'd rather not see me at all than have to go through the pain of watching me have fun without her!

Can you believe it? THIS from a woman who cheated on me a zillion times, who made me feel like a nuerotic nutcase for questioning her commitment to our relationship... who went to live with her affair & then turned the tables & made ME her affair....

I told her she can have as little or as much contact with me as she likes. THAT relationship is OVER. There is NO risk of me falling for that crap again!

I can hardly believe the way i feel. So many years crying, confused, angry, desperate, LOST... & today i dont give a shit!!!!

I hope now i can be of some help to other sufferers. Ive never felt that anything i had to say before would benefit anyone because i myself was suffering. But i finally have some sunshine to spread around.
This is an amazing place & i believe it has saved my life on many an occasion.

Thanks to all for your words of wisdom.

FFF

August 28, 2007
8:34 am
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wannabe
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am Proud of you FFF, keep going strong

August 28, 2007
11:20 am
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_anonymous
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fool- I am proud of you for finding your way out of that mess. I wish I had your wisdom. Your X is behaving true to form. I think you handled the situation perfectly.

August 28, 2007
11:35 am
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openup
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I have been in your position. You found your way! Congratulations!

I'm in a new relationship but am having a very rocky road and am trying to find my way again. I have confidence that I will get there, though. I have turned to this venue (on-line thread support) to help find new thoughts and new ways of looking at old issues. I appreciate your experience and am truly glad for you.

August 28, 2007
11:52 am
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rachy3508
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There is nothing FOOL about you. I am so happy for you. I just joined recently and your story is inspiring. I think the most beautiful thing is healing and it sounds like you are there. Just remember to stay strong and think about how far you've come. I am so so happy for you!

August 28, 2007
12:07 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Funny how that works - my guess is she feels like she lost her "grip" on you - so she is "threatening" to walk - saying she wants no contact to solicit a reaction from you. HOPING you will say "please, don't cut me off, I care for you, don't go....".

But you didn't....GOOD for you.

As I said before - BE CAREFUL - cuz this may be just another tactic and when she really gets it - realizes that you aren't going to crawl back begging her to stay in contact, she may try another tactic.

These manipulators will do ANYTHING to keep you focused on them - been there, done that. And she has acted pretty true to form thus far.

I don't think this is REALLY the end - I don't....just be aware of that.

I am glad it all worked this way - cuz it strengthens your resolve to stay gone - and it really opens your eyes to the games.

You are a FOOL NO LONGER!

August 30, 2007
5:06 am
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foolfoolfool
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Thanks all :-]

I hear what youre saying rising!
I feel like Zena the warrior princess! I can see her (& others like her) coming a mile away. I stand firm with my trusty shield protecting me from the trickery.

I WONT be fooled again!

fff

August 30, 2007
5:39 am
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thedogsmom
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(((fff))))
to : no longer a fool!
I am happy to hear about your newfound contentment and peace with your decision to leave the toxic relationship behind you. It is a difficult thing to do when feelings are still involved and often you will find yourself slipping.
Nevertheless, there is 'light at the end of the tunnel'. If you continue to move in that direction-- which it sounds like you are doing...peace will continue to come to you.
When you find yourself sad and slipping-- allow yourself to accept those natural feelins..but keep holding your ground and taking steps forward to that light at the end of that tunnel.
I feel your ex- may indeed be hurt by realizing that your love and position for her is changing. She may actually need the NO Contact-- until she can adjust to her own loss of the relationship- the way it was. She likely always felt that she would have a chance with you since you have been there for her before.
I feel for her as her mistakes have finally caused her to lose your true love. Hopefully she can forgive herself and accept the friendship you have to offer her. You don't have control over what her feelings are or what she decides... so just keep doing what you are doing~! I am so proud of you. I myself...have a LONG way to go to get to where you are and hope that I can handle it so elegantly!
TDM

August 30, 2007
8:33 am
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foolfoolfool
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Thank you the dogs mum.
I get so sad that i hear that people have a long way to go still & i just want to drag them into the tunnel with me and run into the light.

I want to share what brought me to my calmness...

It was realising that there was a "reason" she was in my life & accepting that that reason was not that i was meant to be with her (that was just my wish). I accepted that she came into my life & spun me around like the spin cycle on the washing machine to teach me what i DONT want from a relationship.

I look at it like a blessing. I know NOW that i will never allow myself to be disrepected like that again... & that if i DO allow it i have no-one to blame but myself. If you have low self esteem & are apologising for your moral standards then you are inviting someone to walk all over you.

I would rather be alone for the RIGHT reasons than with someone for the WRONG reasons.

If i stand by the standards i set for myself i can only attract people of similar standards... and they are not ridiculous standards by any means. Just basic human decency.

Sure i may get lonely while i wait but thats GOT to be better than feeling so worthless that someone would treat you like your heart is nothing more than a toy.

fff

I hope i can help others here as i have been helped.

September 3, 2007
12:04 pm
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thedogsmom
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fool fool fool-- time to change that name of yours. 😉
Thanks for sharing the things that are helping you to become a stronger, happier and healthier person.
It makes sense..and gave me a laugh too... describing that she spun you around on the spin cycle...to teach you what you Don't want! sad and funny too..cause that is surely what it feels like...to go around and around in circles...insanity...and NOT be able to get "THEM" to see 'the light"...
I am getting better since I was able to finally make him move out.. and I do feel so much stronger too! I haven't accepted or let him go..completely... still thinking that we make a great couple...still hoping he will get off drugs..and grow and learn to change..his ways...so we can have a happy ending..

But...I too feel as you do..that I will NO longer let somebody disrespect me like that again..and that I too was responsible for 'allowing' and accepting ..things I would never have thought..I would accept..
I am gaining much more self-confidence and doing all that I can to keep moving toward that light!
thanks and good luck to you.
TDM

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