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The "Letting Go" Thread
April 18, 2009
5:37 pm
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bonni
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I want to let go of 10lbs. I have spent years thinking about ways to lose weight and OVERTHINKING plans to do so. If I had gone for a run every other time I sat down with a pen....

April 18, 2009
6:03 pm
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readyforachange
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sd...for the first time in my life, I AM asserting myself to some degree with people in my life. My mother, for one, and our relationship has grown so much since I did that. My BF always encouraged me to feel comfortable telling him anything, but I find that when I do, he gets defensive, and makes excuses. I know things come up. I am one of the most flexible people in the world. Friends in my life change plans and cancel out at the last minute all the time. And I'm fine with it. It's just that with my BF, he has always respected my schedule and my time, but within the last month, he has done this twice (never did before now)...and it isn't just the cancelling, it's the way he does it. No acknowledgment that it may be inconvenient for me, or that I had changed my schedule and waited, no apology...just a call at the last minute to say things aren't going as planned. The only thing I can think of is that a few months back, I had to do this to him. He had invited me over for dinner, and when I was on my way, my daughter called me HYSTERICAL because her father had done something awful to her, and she was a wreck. I had to turn back for home to be with her. I immediately called him and apologized, and explained the situation. He was understanding at the time, but later that night, he was upset with me. We spent hours on the phone discussing it, and me apologizing and feeling awful for choosing my daughter over him. It happens that he had spent the weekend with his mother, who is dying of cancer, and really needed me to be there to listen. But he didn't voice that to me before all of this happened, he only told me that his weekend with her went fine.

I find this happens often...mixed signals and messages, and lack of flexibility on his part when he expects a lot of it on my part.

We are taking more time apart. I have spent much of the past few weeks sorting things through, and I told him I didn't want to get together for a while. I just want us both to think things through.

I do feel him pulling away. The other night I told him I felt our relationship was going backwards. I'm not pushing it forward, by any means, but I don't want to go backward either. He feels that we should be more comfortable with one another, and that I should be more patient with what's going on in his life. I feel I am, but that I deserve common courtest and respect, no matter what is happening in his life.

The scariest part is that I feel he is pulling away because he has never fully gotten over his ex. And I don't know how to find that out. He says he is over her, that he moved on, let her go...even wrote her a letter letting her go. He says, "She's married to another man", as if that automatically means that he is over her. Not. My ex is still in love with me, tells me so after 4 years. Just because we're not together doesn't mean he doesn't still love me....that's what I fear most. And the fact that her name comes up a lot when we argue is very alarming to me. I don't know what to do with that.

Why don't these red flags come up before you fall in love?

April 18, 2009
7:27 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Ready:

You two have been seeing each other for quite awhile so you're way past the beginning part where each is on their best behavior. You're into the "real" part now, and you're seeing what he is like.

I know what it feels like to feel that you're the one giving and getting nothing back. But does he do other things in his own way that shows he cares? I'm not very demanding either but there are things that are unacceptable and I've gotten to where I speak up. Somehow that backfires and I end up being told I'm demanding, controlling, etc.

As you know, its dang hard to find someone to be in a relationship with- (dating stinks) but maybe your guy just has too many problems right now to put the proper amount of focus on you?

I know we're supposed to look at a potential partner as who they are right here, right now, and not think about "well, after he does this, this will happen, etc"- do you think this is something about him that will change on its own?

As far as the red flags- sometimes they are there- we just aren't looking. Its hard to think negative things especially when in a new romance and some things eventually come out. A lot of that is just getting to know someone, but do ever learn everything? Its a process and often a slow one (or a fast one- you should hear about my last dating fiasco- your guy is a saint compared to the loony tune I recently encountered!!)

As you know, its very hard to find someone that we're compatible with and sometimes we have to take the good with the bad, no one is perfect, we're all human. But its a balancing act- does the bad outweight the good? Is it something that is a deal breaker? Consider that if he doesn't change his ways, will that be good enough for you?

I think you're doing a great job of stepping back and looking at everything.

sd

April 19, 2009
1:22 am
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mezzo3
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I'm letting go of three destructive thought-habits: regret for not doing things differently, fantasies of what could be, and a tendency to be the victim.

There's one catch to that last bit. I've learned that the victim can't be anesthetized, walled up, or placated for too long; it always comes back. And there's no real way to cut it out of me - I can't pretend the past didn't happen. The only way to let go, the only thing the victim can do, is choose to be someone else - to be transformed.

May we find healing and peace tonight.

April 19, 2009
1:08 pm
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readyforachange
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sd...I think you are right. He does have too many issues right now to put the kind of focus on not me, but "US", and I'm having a hard time with that. I should be "patient" as he says, and I think I am to a certain degree. It's when he does things that completely disregard my feelings (like cancel out at the last minute without considering how that would make me feel, or give any form of apology...) that I get upset. Maybe I have no right to do that. I don't know. I'm working through that. I do know that he wants carte blanc to kind of skate through this right now, and I am not sure I'm willing to settle for that. Lots and lots of thinking to do. Thanks for your perspective. And, if you'd like to share your dating horror story, I'd be thrilled to listen...

mezzo...glad you are ready to let go of those things. I think your perspective is wise, that we cannot always let go of things completely, but we can accept them for what they are and move on. I was the "victim" in my relationship with my ex, who is an alcoholic. I now realize that I am a different person in my relationships....no longer willing to be the victim. I have transformed myself, maybe too much, which is what is getting in the way of my current relationship. I don't know. Thanks for making me think. I hope that you are at peace with where you are in your life.

Today, I am willing to let go of my past self-hatred about the way I look. I could still lose a few pounds, and I hate the wrinkles and gray hairs. But, overall, when I walk out the door in the morning, I feel good about the way I look, and I don't look in the mirror and hate myself anymore.

April 19, 2009
5:38 pm
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CAMER
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I feel good about the way I look, and I don't look in the mirror and hate myself anymore.

glad you mentioned that Ready...i too have alot of self estem issues.....when i look in the mirror (only when i wear glasses) i automatically think "i am ugly"....the mirror just makes me feel that way. But I saw a good show on Ellen last week with Kiefer Sutherland, and he said that he only has ONE mirror in his house, cuz he too was picked on as a child and made fun of, and when he used to look in the mirror all those bad tapes would play...........now he says, he doesn't look in the mirror when he leaves the house.........and HE knows he looks good and is a good looking guy, (this is what he tells himself)...and i think too the less i look at myself, the less i can judge and have those ol' nasty tapes playing back to me.

So remember Ready, you are beautiful and you are worthy...and you don't need a mirror to tell you that!! cuz I am!!

(((camer))))

April 20, 2009
7:10 am
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Looking forward
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Yesterday was my 48th birthday. My life has generally been a good one and i am very grateful for many of the good things that have happened to me in this life-time.
There are however a number of unpleasant things that i want to let go off.... the worst was the death of my mother...and the fact that she was killed by my father. This happened almost 12 years ago and although I have done a lot of self-work on this, it still haunts me in my dreams. I really want to let go.....maybe not so much the memory (coz I dont think that it is possible to erase this fact from my life) but certainly of the pain, shame, fear, guilt and the sense of loss.

The other is my lack of good judgement in making the decision about my marrage partner. Been married for almost twenty years. Lived together for the first ten of those years. during our separation, drifted in and out of the relationship. Finally made the decision to call it quites at the end of last year...and i want to let go.....let go what? , I ask myself... the marriage? ..mmm....not too sure... but certainly the pain, the lack of attention, the taking for granted, the unmet expectations, the lack of companionship, the loneliness, .. ...and the wastage of opportunity to meet somebody else that I can share my life with.
Yes, that is it!
Looking forward.

April 20, 2009
5:26 pm
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copingslowly
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letting go of control. esp since control is really only an illusion, anyway. i only like to think i'm that powerful. LOL

April 20, 2009
8:23 pm
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bonni
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isn't there something powerful in letting go of the illusion of control?

April 21, 2009
9:09 pm
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sphereplay
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My life has been on living hell after another.. My 2nd wife just told me today that she wanted a divorce. My problem is that I get "addicted" to the women in my life. I get this overwhelming feeling of panic that they dont love me anymore, or are cheating on me.. basically just some kind of concocted fear that I will lose them.. I end up being overprotective, over jealous and it drives them away.. My wife now wanted to seperate and wanted some space.. she moved back in with her mom and I just could NOT help myself.. I kept going over, trying to see her, texting her.. etc. etc. and it drove her away.. the story of my life.. How can i change this behavior? what can I do? I need advice. How do you let something go? I dont understand this concept? I have had this problem all my life, even with girls I dont particularly even care about.. its like once i think they are not maybe dependant or like me more than I like them I start to panic.. is this a control issue? a fear of rejection issue?

April 21, 2009
9:39 pm
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soofoo
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((((sphereplay))))

Try the book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Beattie says, if you can't let go, try holding on loosely. Busy yourself with something else for a little while. Trust the process of life. Try not controlling the outcome and see what happens.

April 26, 2009
1:57 am
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bblue
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Letting go - I would like to know how others have coped with finally telling there spouse to go

in spite of loving them
but because of their addiction

I am afraid of the changes in friends and

I also know I am not as social and thus he will be out and about and everyone loves his socialness - found out nobody really wants to be with him all the time but he is such fun when he gets going.

Mostly how do you cope with that feeling of failure and of loss?

BBlue

April 26, 2009
7:49 am
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bonni
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how do you know when its time to go? how do you know who gets the kids and the dog and the mortgage?

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