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The "Letting Go" Thread
April 16, 2009
3:16 pm
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readyforachange
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I started the "Thankful Thread" several years ago, and have brought it back so that I will remember to be grateful for 3 things each day.

In addition to that, I have been trying to let go of things that bother me, the negatives, before they consume me.

Today, that is very hard for me. I have posted the things I'm letting go of on the thankful thread, but I decided to start a separate thread for this, to work through things we need to let go of.

Anyone care to give me some help with this? I struggle daily with it, and it is having negative affects on my relationships.

April 16, 2009
3:18 pm
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cancer
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letting go of anger.........

April 16, 2009
3:48 pm
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RobynB
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Letting go of:

~jealousy over my boyfriend's past relationships. Just because he met me later in life does not mean I'm second best!

Good thread Ready!

April 16, 2009
3:54 pm
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Zebra
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Letting go of:

Anger and Jealousy, shame and hurt.

How to do this: Learn who I am and be proud of who I am and forgive. Hard for me to do.

Really good thread Ready!.

Z

April 16, 2009
3:58 pm
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empleh
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I would love to let go of negative feelings, but finding it very hard to do so. My negative feelings are starting to take over any good feelings! But I agree, this is a really good thread Ready!

April 16, 2009
4:03 pm
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sooverthis
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Jealously, negativity, hurt, low self-worth...

April 16, 2009
5:20 pm
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buckaroo
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To alcohol,self blame, and a toxic relationship.

April 16, 2009
5:23 pm
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_anonymous
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I need to let go of any more emotional ties to my X husband.

April 16, 2009
5:51 pm
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bereft
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letting go of what i can't change and what i don't know is absolutely true.

April 16, 2009
6:46 pm
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butterflykisses
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What a good thread! I need to learn to let go of it all! I am just learning. I think a good start is anger. I felt really at peace the other day, and for some reason, am not today. Ugh! Anger would be GREAT to let go of. Will try harder.

April 16, 2009
7:44 pm
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bonni
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expectations

April 16, 2009
8:22 pm
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bonni
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and the idea that I have to be perfect.

April 16, 2009
10:25 pm
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PreciousG
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OOOh Bonni good one about being perfect!

((((Ready))))

I have been following your thankful thread. What jumped out at me is that you are trying to let go of three things a day. What leaped to my mind was does she realy have 3 things that she needs to let go of everyday? I saw where you posted that you attend CODA meetings. Is this an exercise that is recommended by CODA?

I am wondering if you are trying to let go of too much at one time.

Also, maybe if we are having a difficult time in letting go of certain things perhaps that is an indication that we need to let it be for a moment and return that issue later. I think some times that we are in to much of a hurry to make everything ok that we really do not work through or sometimes miss the true issue.

I think what you are doing is very healthy and an awesome way to show yourself some selfcare.

I have struggled with truly understanding what it means to let go let alone actuly let go of stuff. Perhaps if we could all try to first understand what letting go means then we could more easily work though or junk, if you will.

I hope that I am not coming across harsh or insensitive. It has ben a long day for me and I am tired. I just wanted to get this posted as I have been thinking about you and the subject of letting go since I read your thankful thread.

Looking forward to taking with you,

PreciousG

April 16, 2009
10:58 pm
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readyforachange
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(((all))) I'm glad you are ready to let go of things today....

(((PreciousG))) thanks for your feedback. I don't take it as harsh, sometimes I need a dose of reality.

I think I am at a frustration point in my "recovery". Over the course of the past 12 years, I have done Alanon, marriage counseling, divorce care, private counseling, and now Coda groups. 2 year after my divorce (which was final 4 years ago), I really thought I had put myself back together.

Then, 17 months ago, I started dating my current BF. The past 5 months with him have been hard for me, and I'm really questioning some of my behaviors...or how I interpret and react to his behaviors.

I know that there are things from my past that I am now ready to let go of. Childhood issues, ex-in-law issues, ex-husband issues, parent issues. Just basic things from my past that have bothered me, but I have worked through them, accepted them for what they are, and made a choice to move past them.

The things that haunt me DAILY are the little things that I can't seem to let go of in my current relationship. My BF voices to me that I am negative, overanalytical, and picky. That I never let go of things from the past, and I bring them up when things go wrong in the present. He constantly asks me for patience, because he is overwhelmed in his life and having difficulty managing everything along with our relationship. I do well for a while, but when he does something I consider inconsiderate or insensitive, I can't seem to ignore it. I have to bring it to his attention. I just want to be able to overlook the small stuff. I don't know how. And I think I'm driving him away. Sometimes I think I am justified in being upset about the things he does and says. Other times I agree that it isn't that big a deal, and I shouldn't bring it up. More often than not, he gets defensive and it makes things worse.

I just wanna let go.

April 17, 2009
6:34 am
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bonni
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Dear Ready,
Be careful what you let go of. Do not let go of your true feelings. If there is small stuff in your relationship bothering you now, it will probably grow into big stuff later. ESPECIALLY if you don't find a healthy way to deal with it. IE, there is a way to express your frustration with his actions without an expectation that he necessarily change to suit you. IE. It annoys me when you leave your towels on the floor. I realize that you are going to continue to do it and that's ok. Its how you feel when this happens that is a problem - not so much that he does it. That's your feeling, you can't let go of it until you own it. Once you own it, you can find ways to not have to feel that way - putting a laundry basket right where he throws his clothes for instance and if you still have to put them in the basket, appreciate how near it is to the spot on the floor where he throws the towel and realize that you are loving yourself by removing what offends you.

You are always justified in having whatever feelings you have. They are your feelings. I think feeling like you are wrong to feel perfectly human feelings is something to let go of. That guilt actually perpetuates the feelings that could otherwise drift away. Use that overanalytical trait and ask yourself - what is this feeling trying to tell me? whatever you find annoying in someone else is often a projection of what you find annoying in yourself.

love,
bonni

April 17, 2009
10:02 am
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Looking forward
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Hi everbody,
I am new and have just decided to log on after reading the Letting go thread. I really like it. I particualry want to identify with the last posting. Yes, there is so much that i want to let go off - good - so long as i dont let go off myself! how very wise! I love it! Thanks Bonni for this insight.
Looking forward

April 17, 2009
10:43 am
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RobynB
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Bonni -

Well said. While it is okay to let go of unhealthy situations or situations and feelings that compromise us, it is important also to identify WHY those issues/situations bother us in order to find peace.

Case in point: while I need to let go of "overthinking everything" in my romantic relationships, it's important that I acknowledge that part of what makes me good at my job is that I am a "thinker" and I get paid to "overthink" in my classroom! So go figure!

April 17, 2009
12:33 pm
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readyforachange
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bonni...thanks for the feedback. I think what I am having a hard time with is deciding whether things are "small stuff" or major red flags. It isn't really about wet towels on the floor-type of things. (We don't live together, so those things aren't issues). It's more than that...telling me he's going to bring his son to meet my kids, and then calling at the time he's supposed to be there and saying everything but "Sorry, but plans have changed and we're not coming." Telling me he wants to meet me for dinner, and then getting into a project, forgetting to call me, and then leaving me a message hours later saying...Oh, I'm gonna go ahead and go to my next event cause I'm out of time. Not sorry, but I can't meet you for dinner because I chose to fix my garage door. That's where I struggle. Is it something I should get upset about, or just ignore. He seems to think this is no big deal. I think it is because in the 17 months we have dated, he has NEVER done anything like this, and suddenly in the past month he has done it twice.

Looking forward....love the name, glad you joined us!

Robyn...I'd love to hear your thoughts on "overthinking" in your romantic relationships. I do this to EXTREME!!!! I too, am an educator, and my job is to diagnose special education students...so this skills is very valuable to me. But, I tend to use it when it isn't appropriate maybe, and it is driving my BF crazy. And he is driving me crazy...

April 17, 2009
2:27 pm
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bonni
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((ready))
your intense disappointment in his last minute changes of plans is probably a red flag. You have to measure based on your feeling about it. His behavior in and of itself could be typical of his becoming more comfortable with you and assuming that you understand OR he could be pulling away.

It would be good to have a conversation about your feelings with him. The thing is that in order to take him off the defensive, you have to be clear that you want to talk about your feelings about this recent behavior and that you don't necessarily expect him to change his behavior, but you would like to be able to feel less upset about it.

For example, the pulling out of the kids meeting. That could be his son not being ready. You could ask if there is anything you could do to make it more comfortable for everyone. As to the garage, you could ask if he'd prefer that you maybe make sandwiches for both of you instead of eating out? or does he need more alone time? some people just need more alone time. This could really be an opportunity for you to get closer. Or, you could find out that he's ready to move on or ambivalent. If it were me, I might be too afraid of getting the last two answers to really explore the first possibility.

bonni

April 17, 2009
2:58 pm
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Terriberry
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One of the qutoes in my Alnon meeting helped even more with the topic of "letting go". I'll share it with you.... "How important is it ?"

I ask myself that question now... when I feel I am stuck on something, and can't/ or dont want to let it go..

I am starting to let go of... painful memories, of people who have hurt me, & my resentment towards them.

April 17, 2009
3:15 pm
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RobynB
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Bonni - I can relate to the idea of being "afraid to find out if he's pulling away" - many of my strange and insecure behaviors I attributed to trying to find out "what he was doing behind my back" so I could know he wasn't pulling away without having to discuss my feelings. Unfortunately, I got busted big time and nearly made a mess of everything, despite his understanding nature. There were more than a few nights of hurt feelings and loud voices.

Ready - There is a "teacher and co-dependent" thread going that revolves around students, but that might be a good place to continue our discussion about overthinking relationships and the behaviors of teachers that carry over into "the real world," or else we can just start a new thread.

I'm sometimes not great about posting on weekends, however, so don't feel bad if I take a day or two to get back to you.

Looking forward to working on this together!

April 17, 2009
3:52 pm
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bonni
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dear RobynB,
I think I would like to let go of overthinking relationships. I definitely do that and would like to do it less.

April 17, 2009
11:35 pm
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bblue
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I would like to let go of my self doubt of my self and my worth.

And let go of fear

BBlue

April 18, 2009
1:43 am
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readyforachange
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Terriberry...how important is it? Great question. Unfortunately, for me everything has way more importance than it really should. That's what I'm trying to work through.

Robyn...I'll check into that thread, thanks.

bonni...what is it about us codas that makes us overthink everything? I don't get that. But it really makes relationships hard.

April 18, 2009
1:08 pm
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Ready: I think that part of our overthinking things is our lack of ability to be comfortable with asserting ourselves and requiring that OUR needs be met. I think we get into the habit of caving in, letting other people get their needs met, and we become a door mat.

As far as your bf changing plans- once in a while is OK, things come up, life happens. But it seems he's not being considerate- he's letting you know at the very last minute. So, maybe his reliability is in question. Its OK to acknowledge that he has a trait that doesn't fit your needs. Its not necessarily small stuff. It may be a flaw that you can't live with, and its OK for you to feel that way. You shouldn't have to bend your values to fit his behavior.

sd

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