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The learning process that is recovery
November 21, 2006
1:57 pm
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SunshineBear
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I have been reading Codependent No More and working slowly through it, realizing how much of my life is wrapped in this: the compulsive overeating, compulsive shopping, reactivity, emotionally beating myself down for feeling things (telling my DH "I know it's stupid when I think this..." and he tells me "No, it's not stupid")...
Looking forward to counseling Monday. It'll be a precursor to seeing my father the next weekend for an early Christmas celebration. I have not seen him since I've started digging into my past and the codependency that resulted from the angry alcoholic-type home I grew up in. I am not sure how I am going to interact with him. My brother-in-law and sister will be there to support me. BIL is a counselor too. He said if I don't know what to say, don't say anything. That's not my usual style, but so much has changed in the last 5 months since my world was turned upside-down by DH's revelations of affairs. We are working on things pretty well but I still feel hurt from the betrayals. Today it was triggered by coming across a recipe one of the girls he was with had given me. All the hurt, anger, bitterness came rushing back on me. I tried to change my train of thought. I tried to focus on Phil 4:8. I excused myself from the room (I have 2 small kids) and went up to my bed and cried for a few mins, hugging a pillow and praying for help.
I so badly want to avoid feeling these feelings, to deny anything happened. But I know that's not healthy.
Thanks for listening!

November 21, 2006
2:05 pm
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gracenotes
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Sunshine Bear,

Never written to you before, don't know your whole story, but you are hanging in there, you have truly started a process of growth. Its never a straight line up, its more like a few steps forward, maybe a step back, then forward again. Taking time to cry because something hurts is not a step back either. That really is a necessary healing moment. You are on a healing path now, take care.

November 21, 2006
2:09 pm
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boone
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Let your feelings out; you are allowed to do that. You are allowed to cry, you are allowed to feel what you feel. When you go to your relatives set your boundaries and time limits. Say to yourself; I am only going to stay until I feel uncomfortable.

I bet your family was very critical and controlling. Therefore boundaries were crossed or did not exist. When you go to functions like this learn to set boundaries and limit yourself to the amount of time you spend around unhealthy family members or friends.

Dan.

November 21, 2006
10:18 pm
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SunshineBear
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Thank you for your responses/advice. Still new to this all and realizing that I am allowed to cry, that I am allowed to feel what I feel... it's NOT what I grew up with (Dad would say "stop crying!" and we learned to control our emotions quickly or be belittled for having them. My mom barely was "allowed" to mourn the loss of her mother, a memory my sister still has involves Dad "letting" her cry that one time. How generous!).

November 22, 2006
8:28 pm
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malibugirl
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CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY. Then, when you're done, CRY SOME MORE!! Crying is very exhaustive work, yet very cleansing, as well. And, it's not always a bad thing if the kids see you cry. Mommy doesn't always have to be strong all the time. My mom is almost 66 years old and still hardly ever cries in front of anybody! I cry at the drop of a hat sometimes! And, what you feel is very valid, whatever it is. No one can take that away from you!

November 23, 2006
11:01 pm
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BumbleBee
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i agree with Malibu, CRY!!!! I have always been told that crying releases all the hurt and cleanses the soul. That it is the beginning to recovery.

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