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The latest news from Glittered
October 5, 2005
11:16 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey Glit,

It's great to hear from you! I'm glad this site is a bit of a theraputic journal for you. Thanks for sharing yourself this way. It's touching. I have some questions and feedback for you. I will respond to you properly on tomorrow.

Goodnight Friend!

October 6, 2005
12:09 am
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lost and found
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hey glittered, you will find someone. i understand what you are saying about the itellectual. i am attracted mostly by what i hear from a guy. not looks, what he says turns me on or off. i have friends that are the same way. good luck guy.

October 6, 2005
11:20 pm
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Busy is a good prescription. Does work make you happy? I couldn’t gauge based on your sentence. You’re a liaison between the worlds of science and business right? You decode jargon and make all the ivory tower stuff more accessible to people like me, right? Does memory serve me correctly or has legend crept in?

A communication session-this sound official and formal Glit. Was the session therapist ordered? I’m glad you got your apology, some people never do. Were you moved to reciprocate? I hope the apology helps to take away some of the hurt feelings and helps to facilitates some trust. I too find that trust is difficult too extend, when a person abuses it. I know that I’m hurting myself by not opening up more, but the price of being hurt by someone else just seems far greater.

I could be way off base here, but it seems that you pride yourself on being fixed and steady in decision. Once your mind is made up, the case appears to be closed for you. Is this why the new found pleasantness and easiness of your stbx is hard? Could you be having second thoughts about separation/divorce? I understand why second thoughts would be hard for someone like you (or anyone who doesn’t change directions easily). But you know what Glit, it’s like you said, 17 years is a long time. And separation/divorce is a big decision. So, if you’re tempted to explore your stbx’s new and improved, therapy altered, pleasant and easy attitude…Then Rock on Dude! And tell anyone who gives you grief to talk to me!

I hear that and I agree. I'n not depressed either, just I don’t know anxious for something, or eager for something or restless for something. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Still sounds like a stable environment for the girls. You’re a good daddy!

Your needs… Somehow, I knew they’d be good. Firstly, how cool is it that you know what you’re looking for. That’s got to increase your chances of finding it by some huge percentage.

Respect is good. It’s soooooo, so good Glit. I really like that one.
Reasonably smart is gray for me, because there are so many ways to be smart. I know people who are smart with figures, people who are smart with words, people who are smart with logic, people who are smart in responsibility, people who are smart with people, and people who are smart in bull s**t. Trust me, they could each find your sweet spot when their in their own element. But in the other elements they're ...clumsy.

Common Sense sounds good, but it’s equally as gray for me. Just so that I’m clear, give me an example of exactly what you had in mind.

People who approach life intellectually first are marvels to me. I like to sit at their feet, Indian Style, with a pen and note pad and just breath them in. Study them. Approaching a subject with intellect first just doesn’t come naturally to me; though, sometimes I wish I did. Other times I really value my high EQ.
Self confidence is another really good one…it’s kind of gray for me too. I’m hungry for examples and personal definitions of your needs. I want to know exactly what you mean when you use the big gray terms.

What does overly emotional mean to you? Why don’t you like women who are overly emotional? Love is an emotion. Happiness is an emotion. ALIVE is an emotion. Is it really possible to overly feel or overly display these things? Is there an emotion in particular that women display that makes you uncomfortable? I wanna know.

Perhaps we could help each other. You could teach me more about problem solving with logic and reason first and I could help you to practice feeling…how perfectly symbiotic.

Hate does make for an ugly soul. I’m having my own encounter with that emotion. I’ve never been allowed to openly admit that I felt it before, so for me that’s priceless. I use to keep all the uncomfortable feelings suppressed so that I could keep lying to myself about who I am. Today, I can look in the mirror and actually admit the truth. I am human, and I have some hatred in my heart….

And, tomorrow I can change it.

This was fun!

P.S. Are you aware that you just called your woman “my woman”? I'm not grinning or thinking "how cute is that" or anything. All I'm saying is that I noticed.

October 10, 2005
3:38 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Y&R and all,

sorry I've been away for so long. so to answer some questions...

I enjoy my work, and yes, I evaluate cutting edge technology and commercialize it by distilling the exacting jargon down to business language, then I try tp facilitate an agreement between the owner of the technology and the venture capitalist.

No, the communication session between my wife/stbx wasn't session ordered...it was just my way of saying we had a talk.

Whta's difficult for me is that right now I am at a very important crossroads in my life...whether to bite the bullet and try to wrk things out with my wife or to proceed w/ separation with the utimate result of divorce. and yes, I am uncertain about what to do.

By smart I meant someone with whom i could carry on intelligent conversation..whether it was poetry or physics or football or psychology or current events. Like I said they don't have to be braniacs, just wise enough to speak up and bring their own keen observation to the table.

By common sense I mean people who use good judgment or make wise decisions based upon what they know. I can't explain it but have you ever known someone to explain a situation to you, define their knowledge of it, and then puzzle you by reaching a poor conclusion? like the person who tears an engine apart to fix it, to no avail, only to discover later that it only needed gas.

By self-confidence I mean that peron who knows their limitations, but does not underestimate themselves. Some folks like living with a person who exerts so much control over them that they don't make decisions on their own. I would need a woman who has enough self confidence to at attempt those tasks on her own for which I needn't be consulted. A woman in charge enough of her own life to make decisions for herself with confidence. something of the can-do attitude. I get a lot of satisfaction in helping people who are truly in need or deisrous of a team effort, but being required by someone to do something that they could certainly accomplish on their own or in concert with me can be annoying when they look to me to handle it completely. For example, a woman with enough confidence to go to the breaker box and throw the breaker when it's been popped.

Overly emotional is quite subjective isn't it? Too much of anything is bad thing, that's why they call it too much..hence the word overly. Have you ever know someone who annoyed you because they were melodramatic to the point that they 'over-reacted' to the smallest crises? There's nothing wrong with emotions...and they're great, and shouldn't be supressed, but neither should they rule your existence entirely either. Some people thrive on them too much for me. I'm NOT saying I want some unemotional blob..I just want someone who has a similar value system when it comes to emotions.

I didn't mean to convey 'ownership' when i said 'my woman' but I wasn't going to say my sigificant other, or lover, or mate, or man..lol. I was trying to covey my partner in a love-life relationship with whom I would be having sex.

I am having second thoughts about staying separated, but it's the trust issue for me. And sometimes I honestly think, we're just too different...she tasks me with demands of more emotions. From all of my conversations with her I don't possibly know what she could love about me...whenever we talk about us, it's negative negative negative.

I have tried to acknowledge the things I have done and why and to apologize to her, I don't think she feels it. She's a lot healthier now, but I don't know if I can meet her needs and if she can meet mine...and there's that huge trust issue. There are things about my wufe that I don't like..and they aren't little things..what I'm trying to determine is if they are deal breakers.

October 13, 2005
1:30 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Had a phone conversation w/ her last nights about our relationship. She seems to think that i'm not willing to work on myself. i said I am willing and I am working on myself and I have changed - just that right now it's a trust issue for me. I can't make that leap back into the relationship w/ her because I have this trust issue w/ her and I'm working on it. she asked how can I be working on it if I don't talk about it? I said we do talk about, but did you need me to talk about it everyday with you? she said 'not everyday, but you do need to talk about it." I said I do, I just don't talk to you only about it.

That got me a "F--- you!" in reply.

so I didn't say a word but hung up immediately. being upset is one thing, but being abusive is quite another. I've told her before that i won't tolerate that kind of treatment and she knows it.

It didn't make me angry, just disappointed. She's not as healthy as I thought and that kind of behavior reaffirms my decision to be separated. but it's still sad.

October 17, 2005
12:43 am
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Hey Glit,

Don’t be sorry…

I was under the impression that your separation was the means to an end –divorce. Think I get it now: you’re evaluating things, deciding what to do. Ok. Clarity is good.

Thanks for answering my questions and the excellent clarification of your terms. I really appreciate your definitions of reasonably smart, common sense and self-confidence.

Naaaah. People who fall apart in non-crisis, crisis situation don’t really annoy me as much as they bring out the codependent in me. I want to be their savior. My mom was a bit like that: weak, fragile, excitable. I’d attempt to show the person that they’re not as powerless as they think they are, and then get them to focus more on a solution than the size of the problem. I have a very high tolerance for annoyance Glit. Only things done purposely with a malicious design to push my buttons, really annoy me…my sister annoys me. ..

Overly emotional? We’re still not dancing check to cheek on this one Glit. You’re right about how the term overly is relative to one’s experience. For instance, I am an abundantly warm, affectionate, expressively loving, and gentle creature. I touch perfect strangers after 10 seconds of conversation! I cry at Disney animated films! When I make love to someone, I do so with every part my body. I’m certain that some critics would consider that overly emotional. But for me, it’s just emotional enough. It’s me!

You said that If you'd been more emotional things may have been different...I was reading over some of your stuff here Glit. I don’t know how emotionally demonstrative you are in person, but you have no trouble expressing your feelings on paper. It’s very nice to read you by the way. It’s been said that men and women experience the same physiological responses to fear, arousal, anger, sadness… This would suggest that we’re feeling the same feelings. It's just too bad that diverging socializations make it so hard to communicate that to each other.

What exactly is the trust issue you speak of? What would you need to know about your wife, beyond the shadow of doubt, before you could commit yourself fully to your marriage again? Do you need trust her with fidelity? Do you need to trust her to stay away from drugs? Do you need to trust her to stop the abuse or disrespect? Or is it deeper? Do you find it hard to trust her with your feelings? Do you hold back your feelings (because you know she wants more) to punish her a little for her wrongs? Take my inquisitiveness as appreciation for you.

I understand that there are things you don’t like about your wife. Feel free to tell me about these things because they’ll help to paint clearer picture for me, but also, tell me something about her that you really do like. Not something that relates to the kids or her partnership with you. But, something exclusively about her: her character, her personality, her talents, whatever you got.

I’m feeling better than last we talked but my hate issue still exists… You see, my mom designed this very clever checks and balance system to structure her final arrangements. It demands that we three siblings work together to manage her assets and such. The oldest sister and I have always been wonderful together. The middle sister and I have always had a stormy, antagonistic relationship. She’s a critical, manipulative, controlling, raging codependent. She’s the codependent that thinks the lives of everyone around her would crumble without her “help”. She tries to manipulate others into doing what she wants. When that doesn’t work, she resorts to threats and physicality. We had something of a showdown when I was 17. I literally fought her for my independence. That’s when I left home and the abuse stopped for me. When my mom’s health started to fail, I had to work closely with middle sister to help mom. And now, with the mutual project, we three have to work together very often. I don’t think she’s interested in making this project easy or in being good sisters. I think she’s interested in trying to control our (mine and older sis’s) decisions about the project. That’s NOT gonna happen! She knows it I think. And, when she doesn’t get her way, she rages. Which is fine, usually, because I can take the high road (that leads to me not being assaulted) and leave her standing where she is. But this most recent time, she got loud and in my face (the first time since I was 17) and I felt a little threatened and a little powerless. I hate that feeling. I hate her for giving it to me. It was an instant throwback to those confusing days as a kid and all the stuff I endured at her hand. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do yet, but I’m not going back to that powerless and uncertain feeling around her.

The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when she ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge…

The bright side is that this has stirred up my issues and they are visible and easily identifiable. They can't remain repressed around her. They're floating at the surface, waiting to be dealt with.

Wish I had clever transitional phrase here...

O.K. Your list of needs inspired thoughts of my list of needs.

I need respect too, that’s still really, really good Glit. If I said his religious affiliation weren’t important, I’d be kidding myself. I’ve had some great conversations and great connections with people who see the world so much differently than I do. The idea of bridging gaps of culture, and practice and belief to bring two people closer together is very thrilling for me. However, at the end of the day, I need to feel like I’m on the same team as my guy, you know. Coming home needs to be figurative as well as literal for me.

I need a good teacher and a good student. I need someone who respects teamwork and synergy for the beautiful concepts that they are. I need someone with a high degree of integrity, strong character. His his word should be golden to him. He should be faithful and family oriented.
I need someone who needs me. Not in the codependent sense of the word. More like…ahhh, so you’re what I’ve been missing, this is what I’ve been searching for, you’re why I’ve been restless.
I need someone with a positive outlook on life. He doesn’t need to be the bubbly, energetic, optimist that I am; I’d prefer that he wasn’t. But I shouldn’t’ need to constantly point out to him what’s good about life.
OH! Finally, I need someone who knows how to flirt, someone who can keep my mouth wet with anticipation…You know what I mean? Someone who understands and appreciates the art of expectancy. When I was a little girl, on Christmas morning my mom would wake me up and say to me: “All your dreams came true this year, go open your presents under the tree.” It was great. I’d throw back the covers and rush to the door. Then she’d say something like: Wait, wait, wait little miss. You forgot to make your bed. I carefully make my bed to meet her exacting standards. Then I’d rush for the door and she’s say. Hey, you haven’t changed out of your pj’s or brushed your teeth yet. So, I did. Then she’d say, let me just whip up some breakfast for you, don’t worry it’ll take seconds. It was such sweet agony! The second couldn’t stand anymore, she’d finally let me go out there to my reward…It was always worth the wait. It's funny but, as an adult that has grown into a desire to prolong the pleasurable experiences of life.

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