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The latest news from Glittered
August 23, 2005
11:31 am
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glittered when he walked
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Y&R,

well I can't predict the future, but my decision to leave is motivated by both what I feel and what I think.

I love her, but I'm not IN love with her, and haven't been for months. The idea of her being with another man doesn't bother me. That speaks volumes to me.

At this point, I'm thinking that it's unlikely that we'll patch things up. I'm past being weary with her pathology. The hurts are too numerous, too deep, too varied, too far reaching across time - apologies won't fully amend these injuries to the point of rebuilding this relationship. The house that was our marriage has been razed. I want my peace and peace for my children. I want to become a better person. I want to avoid relationships w/ the dysfunction that this one had. This is what I want right now, and this is how I feel right now.

August 24, 2005
2:32 am
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Hey Glit,

Ok, think I understand you position: You wouldn't put your money on getting back together with you stbx.

All of the signals in my path reciently have been about changing hearts and reconciling love, so I had to ask you that.

I can see how it's different for you though. Your decisions about leaving were not impulsive at all. You struggled, you calculated, you agonized, (remember referring to yourself as a tortured Hamlet?). Therefore, I certainly understand that the decision to stay would not be an impulsive one either.

Rationality is it? Reason?Foresight? OH Man, I have got to get me some of that.

August 24, 2005
9:56 pm
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glittered when he walked
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I don't really know how I feel the past couple of days. I'm not happy, nor am I unhappy. yesterday I was feeling empty until...

stbx called me...started discussing the taxes that are due - which I have cashed out an old 401k and will pay all of the taxes. she's supposed to pay me back later. well, the check is for more than the taxes..since I'm moving out I figured why not open a new individual account with the check and write a check for the taxes. Mind you nothing was written in stone...the stbx didn't like that idea...thought I was up to something..there is a due date issue with the taxes and so there is a viable argument to not open the account as checks will take to long to clear etc, but she wanted me to deposit the check into our joint account..pay the taxes from there, then write myself a check for the reaminder and then open up the new account.
I was of the opinion, why write two checks? anyway..the discussion quickly spiraled down to her calling me grubby and greedy. That made me angry. I told her stop labeling me..she said that's what you are. so i said Goodnight and hung up.

she later apologized, and it was sincere. But it her all over...God help you if she's angry at you..because the names and labels go flying. I was so annoyed before she called back that I emailed her a litany of money I have given to other people for nothing in return.

a few years I gave her sister ~3G's to help her and her husb swing closing their new house..no questions asked, no re-payment expected. I let her friend and grandaughter stay in my home for a month for no charge and did my best to make them feel welcome. anyway, you don't need my resume of being selfless w/ money, but the list goes on.

I also told her that i was angry

she's bankrupted us and she's calling me greedy?..man that pissed me off. It's her all over. I don't have to live with someone so f'd up that the second they feel insulted or injured they think it's their right to label and name call.

In her apology she explained that she doesn't trust me..that's where her irrational behavior came from..that and she said she's PMSing. Ya know..Bullshit! i can understand FEELING moody because of a cycle, but that doesn't mean that you aren't in control of how you express those emotions. There's no viable excuse for abuse in such a case unless you are otherwise clinically wacked w/ some psycological ailment like uber severe post partem depression.

anyway..screw allthat I'm tired of talking abut her. I think the upcoming separation is what's making me empty..like I'm starting to feel the loss. I'll enjoy the peace I will have, but I'm wondering how lonely I might feel. I don't need a woman, but I enjoy having someone. Having someone who cares for me as much as I care for her. i won't lie either - I'll miss sex. But I don't want to go out trying to bang every woman I meet either. People who do don't ever seem fulfilled in my estimation. Besides, I don't play the part of sleazeball player well. I'm much better it would seem in first becoming friends with a woman, then having it blossom into something more. Besides, everyone knows sex is infinitely better when you love someone

August 26, 2005
6:35 pm
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glittered when he walked
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So,

I was doing some more reading about ACOA, and originally I had thought I was a placater/peacemaker...but as I re-read the roles..I am/ was more of an adjuster. You know, those folks who don't share their feelings. I don't have that dysfunction to the point that I feel like I have no choices or I avoid control or directing my own life. But in looking at the failure of my marriage I must look to see what i did to contribute to it, why i did that, and what to do about myself so that I can stop it from happening again.

You know, i'd be the first to tell you that we all have problems and we're all winners if we just work on them. BUT...boy i wish I didn't have the problems I do..LOL. I wish my father would not have been an alcoholic...I wish my mother would have been more affectionate..for my last wish I'll settle for eternal bliss ; )

I don't want the people I love to feel cheated because i don't share with them. I don't want to cheat them anymore. I didn't mean to..I wasn't aware of it. I do love and care for them, but if it's not shared right, they won't know it. I'm sure for some of you, the idea of not sharing is so foreign sounding that you might be sitting there openmouthed right now. In my heart, I know that the only thing of any lasting value that I'll leave behind is a legacy of love.

What I have come to realize is that there no shame in my feelings anymore. sometimes, it's embarassing or humbling, but I do my best to speak my heart and mind now. and if it makes people like me more or like me less, well then so be it, because this is who I am and I won't mislead you. better to know as soon as possible. I won't try to hurt peoples feelings by being harsh or unkind...but i won't minimize or omit my feelings if I can help it.

My concern is that..after so many years of this adjusting behavior..have I become ingrained too much with minimizing or not even feeling in the first place? I don't think so..and I hope not.

But I don't anticipate becoming some emotional obsessive who is hypersensitive either. The important thing for me is to share my feelings when I have them, allow myself to have them, but I'm not going to go creating them out of nothing. I've seen people like that and the word that leaps to mind is unstable. I don't anticipate become as emotionally charged as my stbx...I will still approach things from intellect first..that is who I am. i just have to let myself feel as well.

If you read all this, congrats. I was using this posting as means to firect my attentions to those things I must work on..and boy, you have patience to read all that.

August 26, 2005
7:33 pm
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((((glittered))))
hugs to you. 🙂

August 29, 2005
3:52 pm
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glittered when he walked
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so this w/e, the stbx asked me what I thought about staying. I didn't say much other than : "I have wheels in motion and I need to step away for a while and look at things fresh."

Granted, we had been getting along very well for the past 2 weeks, but I'm no fool. The history of this relationship has taught me that the minute there is no crisis to deal with I will assume some level of normalcy and she will again act out.

No. I've made this decision and this time I'm going to do what I know to be best. honestly, I haven't spoken any differently to her in the past 2 weeks than I have for the past year. Addicts piss me off..let me rephrase, that's too judgmental ..the addictive personality annoys me.

August 30, 2005
10:36 am
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glittered when he walked
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well last night was the last night I will spend with my stbx. She's on a trip and I'm moving out by the time she returns. she knows this.

we talked, we fought, we apologized.

I really didn't want to fight on our last night but we got into some things and she started raising her voice...getting angry...I asked her to keep her voice down..she replied with why not it's my house and I'll raise my voice and get angry if I want. I was fine with her anger, but not the loudness and tone. But her anger and aattempt at assailing my character embroiled my anger, so I told her how angry I was that she overdosed, almost died, and I stood by her and supported her because she was trying to get clean immediately thereafter. and she thanked me by sleeping with some guy from her group. I told her, "it sucked the life out of my soul." Then, the percolating anger bubbled up in me and I also told her that before the OD, her sex emails with my best friend cost me my friendship with him. I said "I lost a best friend because of you."

we apologized later. went back to bed and she wanted to make love. but i didn't feel like it. I could have done so, but I didn't feel right about it and I don't know exactly why. I'm not sure if it was because I thought it would give her false hope, give me false hope, or if it would have been dioshonest on my part. I know she felt rejected, but I couldn't lie to her. I feel terrible that she felt rejected, but it didn't feel right and I had to trust that.

emotionally, I'm wishing I wasn't leaving right now. It's separarion anxiety. In my head, I know it's the right thing to do for now. Just find myself wishing "I wish things were different." I will leave, it's just that part of me wants to stay. That part of me that still cares for her, that part of me that is afraid, that part of me that doesn't want to be alone. It's just a big ole emotional crap sandwich that I'll have to choke down for the time being. anybody got a breath mint?

August 30, 2005
10:43 am
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oh Boy oh Boy,

A pack of mints to you Glittered. Big bear hugs to you today. I pray that you will be just fine to carry out what you have set yourself to.

September 3, 2005
12:08 am
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glittered when he walked
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well, I say my new place today. Quite nice. It's close..it's roomy...and has all my needed amenities.

So I'll start moving stuff in this w/e. ugh..I dislike moving.

still having some pangs of separation anxiety. But I think and feel it must be done.

September 3, 2005
1:15 am
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Good luck to you Glittered. Remember to take some time for yourself. Grieve now so in the morning you can get up and go on.

Oh, and PS... Don't play into any games from here on out. This is your new start.

September 8, 2005
12:57 pm
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Hi glittered...

Want to say hello...How are you doing? Did everything go smoothly?

2b

September 8, 2005
7:43 pm
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Glittered, once you start making it your own, I think you will find a lot of your own good qualities that you had forgotten abou tshining through. ((((hugs)))), I really think this is good for you and that you will love it once you get used to it this way.

September 9, 2005
5:42 pm
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glittered when he walked
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I think I might get so bored my teeth could fall out...living alone. well, we shall see..I'll update this weekend. maybe I'll read, workout, walk. I have some organizing to do.

How am I doing? well, first, thatnks for asking : ) I'm anxious..but not wiggy about it. what concerns me is that I don't know how I feel about it. It's not like I'm torn in different directions, it's more like I'm in some emotional limbo right now.

Am I hiding something? I hope not..it doesn't feel that way. I will admit that i haven't been very motivated about doing stuff lately.

-G.

September 9, 2005
5:49 pm
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glittered - I guarantee you won't be bored. I have bnever lived alone before this year (I'm 32) and I was terrified I would be boreed, lonely, scared. Guess what - I am none of those things here. I actually (life EF said) have come to remember who I am more and more and I like being by myself. It is nice to come home, sit down and have space all of my own! Good luck to you. 22

September 10, 2005
10:25 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Well..I spent last night in my apt. I wasn't that bored..I did have stuff to do. It was fine. what concerns me is that I don't have very many single friends, so my opportunities to mix with other single folks is very limited..but I'll look around and find something. All I can do is make the best of things. I'M not going to get all wiggy about being alone. Indeed, perhaps I will enjoy it...I mean jeez the last time I lived alone was 20 years ago. why shouldn't I look for the positives?

September 17, 2005
8:54 pm
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G,

So bored your teeth might fall out? Thanks for all the great visuals you give me Glit. You say it, I see it-that's the strength of our friendship. I think your humor feeds some dark and hungry part of me. LOL. Hilarious.

I know what you mean by emotional limbo. I've hung out there from time to time friend. I also know what you mean by feeling unmotivated to do stuff. It's hard isn't it? Not knowing how to get motivated is even harder. But I know things won't stay that way long for you.

Have the kids been out to visit your apartment yet? You have two daughters right?

If it's not too personal a question, can you tell me how you broke the news of the separation/divorce to them and what kinds of questions they had for you? what are their ages?

Singles stuff can be a drag. In my case, it's hard to find someone on an identical wavelength. Feeling like a total stranger is sitting across from you, puts a damper on any potential fun. Have you found any cool single's activities? Have you found any cool singles?

Glit, I don't know exactly why I'm telling you this, but I get the impression that you already have everything you need to get everything you want.

September 19, 2005
5:48 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Y&R,

I'll try to update soon. Rught now I'm at work and must bail fast.

talk to you soon.

-G.

September 20, 2005
10:42 am
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Y&R,

I have 3 daughters ages ranging from 11 - 5. Now I would have preferred that 'she' and I sit down together and talk to the kids, BUT 'she' spilled the beans to the kids before I could speak with them.

I spoke to them shortly thereafter. I told that them that I was going to get my own place because mom and I need to separate from eachother so that we can work things out. I also told them that I would still see a lot of them - like when mom has to work and I'd do my best to be available for homework. (Homework was my thing). I alos told them that no matter what, they had to know that this wasn't their fault in any way. I see my kids alot and they seem to be doing great with it.

The kids visited my apt and they liked it very much.

I haven't found many cool singles activities. I haven't found any cool singles either. But, I shouldn't get down about it..I haven't asked anyone out nor have I been on the lookout for singles activities.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'getting the impression that I have everything I need to get what I want.' I'll take it as a compliment or vote of confidence : ) thanks. I could use it right now. I have a good idea about who I am and what i can offer, it just would be nice to catch someone's eye. Well, there was the woman at work who apparently was interested in me (so it was relayed to me by another woman), but there is no attraction there for me. And I'm not going to lie to her just to 'get some.'

There are some single women who work in another office, but I think that most of them are involved and they also are under the impression that I'm married. well, I still am married, but separated though.

I'm bothered that right now I feel this desire to find another woman. I should know better. Finding another woman might boost my ego, but I should be happy about myself, whether I'm with someone or not. Admittedly, I don't want another serious relationship right now..I'm not yet out of one, why stoke another? So, my reasons for wanting to find another woman must be a selfish desire to boost my ego and fulfill my sexual desires. Jeez, doesn't that sound really selfish? I mean it's nice to be wanted by someone, but I'm the only one who can ensure my own happiness. I think it will be OK for me to be with someone else, but I can't 'need' to be with someone to feel fulfilled.

September 21, 2005
2:19 am
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Three girls, how sweet.

My mom said that the best part about having three girls was being able to recycle her most effective parenting methodologies.

I know there's no easy way to have such a hard conversation with your girls, but I respect the way you did it: letting them know that none of what's happening is their fault. Letting them know that Dad will always be apart of their lives. Trying to preserve some of your routine with them like Dad/homework time. I'm glad their adjusting so well.

At my house, our top routine is story time. Tonight we read the 9 year old's rendition of how Democracy grew her roots in Athens. Last night it was The Adventures of Captain Underpants....you see, I want him to be well rouned.

My statement (though somewhat vague) was very much was a compliment AND a vote of confidence. I won't pretend to know you very well, but what I can say is that key moments in your post have revealed qualities like wisdom, sensitivity, and sentimentality. If I feel this way, and I'm just your virtual friend, I can only imagine the impact your having on people in the real world.
I happen to think you're great and it would be ashame to let anything stop you from going after things that you want.

It's good that you won't lie for the purposes of 'getting some'.' I have a very detailed moral spiel on that subject, but I'll spare you for two reasons: One, I have to practice being non-condesending (moral spiels are). Two, in light of turning 30-and understanding this new found sexual energy-I don't want to set myself up to be a hypocrite.

You know, you're absolutely right, having someone next to us could never give you lasting feeling of self-worth. But, I disagree with your category of the instinct. I don't think the desire makes us selfish at all, just lonely.

September 21, 2005
2:37 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Y&R,

Your mom's observation was cute. The worst part for me about having 3 girls (right now)is that sorting laundry is quite the chore. I have resorted to holding up individual pieces of clothing and asking "whose is this?" The best part is that they can be so sweet and fun.

Hee hee..on the reading list..thing is reading disparate books like that will keep him well rounded.

Thank you for your kind words. At the sake of being immodest, if you like me, you MUST be good people ; ) j/k..but you are a warm, kind, and caring person with a great sense of humor.

Thanks for you input on discerning between being lonely and my being selfishly hypersexed. You opened my eyes to something about me. I think perhaps that because i haven't been alone in so long, my desire to be with someone else is rooted in a fear of being alone. Hmmm..it makes me feel better to know that this could indeed be why I'm so eager to be with another woman.

September 21, 2005
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Hi glittered---

Just dropping in to say hi. Congrats on making the move to your new place. I am glad for you.

Just from experience--It will take a while to decompress. I felt an urgency to fill my life with new and exciting people and things when ex broke it off six months ago--but that passed and I have tried to let things happen naturally instead of being hell-bent on having a good time.

One thing I have done in the past two months is sign up for an internet dating service. It has definitely been interesting, sometimes very funny and fun, other times it has been a real eye-opener as to what is OUT THERE! Just a thought. In any case, it introduced me back into the dating world.

Will try to catch up later.--2b

September 21, 2005
4:51 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Thanks 2b!

Good to see you again. Thanks for your ideas.

September 22, 2005
12:32 am
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I feel for you with the laundry thing. My reason for hating laundry is because it's the one chore on the list with no end point. What I'm wearing at the time, also has to be laundrered. It just sits in the hamper taunting me...reminding me that I'm not finished and never will be.

My words are more true than kind Glit and I forgot to mention that YOU have a great sense of humor in the list of cool qualities. I look forward to learning you and asking your advice in the future.

Oh! Thanks for sharing your therapy discoveries with the group. Please continue to do that for us. I've learned some important stuff about life in general from your post.

It's late in the midwest. Goodnight Friend!

September 28, 2005
11:30 pm
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Glit,

I can't let this thread die.

You're on my mind. I want to know as much about your new journey as you're willing to tell me...The good, the bad and the ugly.

Share stuff friend. Whatever stuff you like.

October 1, 2005
12:49 am
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Y&R,

My dear friend..thanks. I've been busy at work and since I have separated I don't have my PC at my new place, hence the lack of posts.

Well, let's just begin with this. Spoke w/ her..we were having a communication session. She's on step 9 (amends) and let me read her journal and is apologizing to me. It was touching to hear sincerity from her regarding her apologies for all the the lousy things she's done. Apologies for her have always been difficult. It was good to have her acknowledge the hurt I've experienced through her actions. I told her first that i was touched that she was making amends to me. I also told her that I'm still hurt and right now I still don't trust her.

She wants to work things out. I told her as honestly as I could without being hurtful that i don't. I'm not like her..I don't change directions so quickly. i tried and tried and when finally things got too unhealthy I decided it was time to go. Once I made that decision I had to divest my emotional committment to her. Like I told my mother about it I said "I'm through." My wife/stbx took it hard. But she's reached acceptance she says and has been pleasant and easy to be around in the times I've seen her since. That makes it hard fro me it one sense..I mean you don't live with someone for for 17 years and just drop all connection.

That and being alone is well, lonely at times. It's not depressing, but It's hard for me to go through that stage of being lonely for a long enough period of time to mourn and then adjust. That's because of her work schedule and my desire to see my children. We need eachother because of the children right now - so that when one of us is working the other has the kids, with family helping out on sitting here and there as needed.

What i'm wrestling with right now is determining what my needs are..especially in a woman. I never had many needs...in fact she said it seemed like I never needed her. Have I supressed my needs lo these many years? I guess to some extent I have..I've been so accustomed to just making do. Now, I have to figure out what my needs are. Perhaps I should look at the ways in which I feel unfulfilled. I need respect. I've felt so disresepcted and it makes me angry that I ever tolerated it. I need a woman who is reasonably smart, not necessarily a braniac, just someone with that uncommon bit of common sense and the appreciation of it. I approach things from intellect first and I need a partner who can participate and appreciate some intellectual matters. I love thinking and learning. It's my nature..I'd be dishonest if I said it didn't matter. Honestly, smart women, even those smarter than me, never intimidated me, rather I found them to be very sexy - as long as they weren't too cold. I can't speak for all guys but I think some guys are put off by smart women. I don't know why because in the end it doesn't matter to me and what i need.

I need a woman who isn't overly emotional. Now, I'm not afraid to be emotional with a woman - I'm not ashamed to share tears or hurt or joy wth a woman, but I must admit that if I had been more emotional with my woman, things might be different now. So, it's still a skill set I'm working on because I didn't share everything with her and it contributed to the state of my marriage.

I need a woman who is self-confident. I need a woman to love me as I am, not how I could be, or *should* be, or might be. I need to forgive myself for those things I've done wrong. I need to forgive my wife for what she's done..and some day I will..because i want to...because hate doesn't destroy other people..it destroys you. It makes for an ugly soul.

well, that was good to write. For some reason posting on this board to an anonymous audience works much better for me than writing in a journal. Bless this website for that if for no other reason.

GWHW

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