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The K*I*S*S* effect
October 7, 2005
11:06 am
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Eighteen months ago, I finished a relationship with a man, who I loved more than I have ever loved before. I have had a difficult time since then, going to therapy, experiencing a life threatening illness, having marital difficulties, crashing my car twice, losing a friend............

I have striven to overcome it all, through some kind of fortitude, and also by the support from this site.

I have had some good things happen too, just recently, but guess what? Everything I have been working towards is not enough, still, to erase this relationship, this man.

Just an hour ago, I was parked in a local car park, talking on my phone to a friend. Guess who walks by? My ex, and his girlfriend (the one I thought was the rebound girl~over a year ago now!) I guess they must be madly in love, because he said something to her, so that they stopped right in front of my windscreen, and he slowly but very deliberately planted a kiss on her face. She did not know I was there. She seemed taken aback, like he doesn't often do that.

If I'd known, I would have bought a bag of popcorn and a coke, so I could sit back and enjoy the mild horror that unfolded.

No, nothing terrible happened. They walked off. I drove away.

The horror starts now. I can't believe the effect this has had on me. I feel really down about myself, like he knows just how hard my life is, how much I regret ending the relationship.

The subtitles to this B- movie was "Look what you're missing"

I ended the relationship, because I am married (although my husband has also cheated on me, and we are planning to separate).

At the time, the obsessional; side to the romance with the ex, was nearly killing me. I ended it for my own health and sanity, but I have lived to regret this ever since.

Please can someone say something to ease the pain right now? I just need to hear something from someone. I have no-one I can talk to about this. My friends all think I'm over him.

And I should be. Shouldn't I?

~with a heavy heart, charlie~X

October 7, 2005
11:33 am
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tracylyn
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Oh Charlie ~

Amazing I log on this morning and the first thing I find is you.

Ouch - that's gotta heart at no matter what stage in healing your heartache you are in.

I know you loved this man, but he was also an addiction. We've talked about my analogy before of him being like a drug that made you feel good. Thinking on those terms - think of a drug addict or an alcholic. Think of the pain they feel when their addiction is right in front of them. It's awful and it's painful but hopefully, thru the midst of the pain they come to realize that they can over come it and move on.

I believe you can too. Maybe ask yourself what you were in love with. Was it him? What about him? From what you've described he seems unkind and immature. To plant a kiss right in front of you for the purpose to cause pain - that's just wrong. Was it him that you loved or the feeling of being wanted? You may just be grieving for the relationship and what you wanted it to be and not for this individual person.

Time does heal - I know I always hated to hear that but it really does. I was madly in love with the man I had an affair with. Or so I thought at the time. I can see now why I thought I was. He listened to me, paid attention to me, laughed at my jokes and just made me feel good. I ended my relationship with him and asked for time to figure out what I wanted. After several weeks, he came to me to express his undying love but then went on to add that he had slept with other women during that time and because he was so in love with me he wanted to be honest. I was devasted, heartbroken, my world was upside down for this man and he did THIS!!!! That's when I was able to walk away from him for good although still longing for the love I felt with him.

I can run into him now and have no feeling and I honestly look at him and wonder what I saw back then. But, back then I was half the person I am now and so a charmer like himself was able to wow me. Now, he wouldn't have the same effect on me.

I can't really tell you how to get past the pain but just keep telling yourself that you deserve better than him because you really do. Also tell yourself that you did the right thing by ending it - you should be proud of that decision. Also - just remember that he was just your drug of choice. He was an escape and made you feel good.

I believe in you and believe you can get past this pain but you have to start by letting go of it. Accept him as your past let go.

Maybe he came into your life at that time for a reason. To show you that you are lovable and give you some confidence. Let him be a good lesson but then close the book.

Ok - personal girlfriend thought - I would have revved up the engine and pulled towards them a little - you know, just to freak them out. Then of course I'd go home and have dreams of actually running over them!!!!!

Hope that made you smile!!!!

Chin up and take care of you.

t

October 7, 2005
11:38 am
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sdesigns
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Oh Charlie, I am so sorry you had to see that. I know how hard that can be as I live in the same complex as my ex and have had to see him with other women. Usually its just when they drive down the driveway but once I saw them hugging and kissing and it just about killed me. You said she didn't know you were there, but did he? If so, it was just a glimpse of his character as that was a childish and hurtful thing to do.

Try not to obsess about it, although hard I know. The visual is hard to erase. Sometimes we just want these people to go away so we can heal, but it often doesn't happen that way. Don't want to be insensitive, but maybe knowing he has someone else now ill make it easier for you to move on. That seems to be the only choice. I am so sorry. (((Charlie))) SD

October 7, 2005
11:43 am
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Thanks, you guys.............

I am in pieces at the moment. Can't stop crying, can hardly see the keyboard through the tears.

Not because of his staged kiss, but because of what you both wrote.

Just thanks, for now........

~c~

October 7, 2005
11:54 am
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Rasputin
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(((((Sweet Charlie)))))

That was very INsensitive of your ex-lover to do that, as I am sure he was doing it deliberately since he was aware of your presense.

Honestly, whenever an ex-lover behaves like that, like kissing or showing affection by passionately kissing in public, I get the feeling that people are having an act, just like movie or theatre and in reality they do not have that much love or affection for each other when they are indoors.

I also have feeling that he was trying to provoke you, like look how happy, blessed I am and that look how much you're missing out on.

I am sorry honey you're going thru all this nasty stuff. You do not deserve it AT ALL! I hope you will be able to forgive him and erase him totally out of your mind, in the same way we delete a file in our pc. LOL. This joke is to help you to smile a little. I know I like to find humor when I am depressed or sad!!!

(((Hugs)))~Kitty & Ras~

October 7, 2005
12:21 pm
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Ras,

Thank you

I want to believe that he did it for an effect. For the sole purpose of making me suffer for ending our relationship.

I was taught, by movies, and books and life to believe in love.

If not, then what is there?

If he didn't love me back then, if he hates me now, if love is so fickle, (unless it involves the sake of family and children), what is it all for?

What is the yearning and the wanting and the needing for?

~c~

October 7, 2005
12:45 pm
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Lass
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I love what Tracylyn wrote to you Charlie. Very wise words. Obsession is addiction. What is amazing to me, in my studying this phenom: It is such a pattern... we all had a relationship with pretty much the same guy. There is another website I have referred people to, where a therapist discusses the common traits of this guy we all were dating. He had my ex pegged. It is a relationship disfunction, a disorder ~ON THEIR PART~ which acts like a drug on us. It said that 100 years ago, Freud recognized this "insanity for two" dance. They found that when the "psychotic" was removed (hospitalized, etc.), the "woman" usually returned to normal within a few weeks!

Love, Lass

October 8, 2005
11:22 am
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Lass,

Thanks for your post!

Interesting!!

Just wish I could have him removed from my life. Permanently!!

: )

If I don't have to see him for a while, I start to feel better about myself. But the second he walks by, (which is fairly often, because his children go the same school as mine), I feel as though I am this terrible person who dumped him. A person who riddled with regret is tormented by the physical presence of someone she will never have again.

And he knows it.

Which gives him all the power.

I can literally feel all the progress I make, draining away from me, in those moments.

Nightmare..

~love charlie~X

October 8, 2005
11:28 am
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Tracylyn

Just re-read your post again, now that I am clearer eyed/ headed!

You have once again rescued me from myself!!!

What you write is so spot on. I understand the root of my feelings. I have more compassion for myself. I can recover with more speed. Because of your wisdom.

Thanks!!

And yes, I can just picture the look on his scrawny face, if I had put my foot on the accelerator. It will always be there along with the vision of that kiss, so I can almost (almost), crack a smile!!!!!!!

Thanks....

~love charlie~XXX

October 8, 2005
11:38 am
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sdesigns

Thank you!!

I can see you really understand what it is like, because you have to live alongside your ex. It is so hard though, but it helps to hear your take on it -

"Sometimes we just want these people to go away so we can heal, but it often doesn't happen that way"

That's exactly how I feel, but you're absolutely right, life's not like that. We do live in communities, and we can't keep running from everyone, everything that hurts.

I knew he had a girlfriend. I found that out pretty much at the time he met her, because his son told my son.

It hurt like hell then. All my friends, my children, my husband even, had see her with him in town etc. But as fate would have it, I have known of her existence for a year, but yesterday was the first time I saw her. I had tried to picture her. She was nothing like the woman I had conjured her to be. She looked ordinary...and nice.

I think maybe you are right though, about seeing him with somone else. Actually seeing them together right before my eyes. It's now real to me. She is real. His love for her is real to me.

What I have to accept more than knowing I have to move on, is that I am now HIS past.

Thanks for your post, it made me think past my self...

~love charlie~XXX

October 8, 2005
11:48 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Charlie: I'm glad that helped you. We DO have to realize that we are their past, and thats what hurts. In my case, this guy has had many many many women since me so I have had to realize that I was just a fling he used for sex, as he does the others. I've seen about 10 of them although there have been more like over 30. He never really cared for me at all, was just using me for sex. THAT hurts. And seeing all of the other ones, plus I hear them having sex sometimes, talking in the shower, etc. I've developed a pretty tough hide, but it makes me sick inside. Its hard to to compare ourselves w/ the new ones, to wonder what they have that we don't, what they like about them and didn't like about us. But there's nothing we can do about it and there's nothing we can change about it. Have to accept it and try to move on. Life sucks, its not fair, and brings along its share of hurts along the way. Someday we won't feel this anymore, just need time to heal. For me, lots of time. I'm still a work in progress, and you are too. We'll get there, I'm sure of it. Take care, SD

October 8, 2005
12:44 pm
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victoriagirl
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Wow i cant imagine seeing the man i care for with someone else. We are just trying to maintain a friendsip and havent slept with each other in 2 months and when i am around him and try to work things out he makes me feel crazy The last few days have been especially bad because we had a fight and he said he would never put a ring on my finger. That was hurtful and abusive knowing our past. I thought we could work things out but when a man does things intentionally to hurt you there is something wrong. Hang in there Ive been trying for a long time to let go and somedays are better than others. Letting go is so hard and I feel for what you witnessed Iwould go crazy if I saw that. Im not ready to see that yet but I know he will soon find another to feed his sex drive. I just dont think I can go there knowing there isnt going to be a future together.
Lot of love to you. Chin Up Sweetie.
things happen for a reason and it sucks.

October 8, 2005
1:55 pm
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human drama
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Maybe you could look through the hurt and addiction to view it as Kiss Off!
When you finalize your separation / divorce you will be free to attract the one who cares about you, including your feelings.

I sort of think it was childish for him to intentionally mock you.
You've got to pitty this new girlfriend. What do you suspect she'll view on her big screen a few years from now?

By clearing out the old you will inevidably create room for the new! I like your writing style. I think it was Cayce who said to always view your dreams as an observer and to do so by watching the characters as though it were a movie and your part of the act.
Which clearly you were able to do!
(((((Hugs)))))
HD

October 8, 2005
1:57 pm
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victoriagirl

Thanks for that!!

The relationship I had with the ex was very intense and also now I look back on it, full of manipulation. One minute he couldn't imagine his future without me, the next, he was sending ambiguous texts to me, which drove me crazy with fear that he was about to end things. Eventually after months of on-off behaviour, I broke it off.

It was hard to see him with her, like that, but not as hard as knowing that he knew it too.

He must really hate me in all possible ways to want to cause me pain, especially as so much time has passed. I think he just saw it as an opportunity and went with it. Whether or not he's given any thought since, as to what it may mean to him, and to me, I won't ever know..

I am sorry to hear about your relationship troubles; you sound strong though, despite his mean-spiritedness, and yes you're absolutely right, it sucks!!! You hang in there too!!

~love charlie~XX

October 8, 2005
2:11 pm
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human drama

: )

That's brilliant! A kiss-off!!

And not even a genuine one!! I mean it would have been different if I had stumbled upon them sharing an intimate moment in the park or something. Maybe the very fact that it WAS a fabricated attempt to punch me in the solar plexus, is somehow easier to absorb?

Thanks for your post. I am going to look up Cayce now!!!

~love charlie~XXX

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