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The issue of employment...revelation
May 26, 2005
7:01 am
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revelation
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September 27, 2010
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Hi All,

I haven't posted in a while about me and the BF, basically because things have been going well, we have both relaxed a bit. I am still doing battle with my paranoia's and insecurities everyday and feel less and less insecure every day. I have a set of examples of him showing his love and care for me and before I go to bed each night I go through those examples to banish the negative thought...maybe this is the wrong way to handle it, but its working for me and its helping me to "relax" into the relationship. He in turn is communicating a hell of a lot better and with the result we are able to handle little tantrums (mine) and darkworryclouds (his) a lot better.
So...why am I posting??? Well...there is a situation at the moment with us that may get bigger if I don't do this right, so I need advice.
I'm easily pleased...it doesn't take much to impress me, but I have a few values which I need to stick by in order to not sink further into codependency. Well...one of those values is hard-work. I work hard, I need to work hard in order to pay the mortgage, pay for my car, pay the bills. To me work is a necessity, the thought of being unemployed scares me. I will always work, no matter how much money I have...its just something that has been ingrained in me and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My BF has been unemployed now for about 3 months. He's not lazy, but he has only ever worked for family business's and lacks the confidence I think to go out into the real world and get a job. I spoke to him about my concerns, that I wanted him to get a job as I don't intend to have a relationship with someone who doesn't work and doesn't want to work. I got upset about talking with him on this as I don't want to put him under any pressure. I know already that he is struggling with this, he wants to work and have money to live his life but lacks the nerve and confidence to go out and get work for himself. I spoke to him about it again last night and he says as he said last week that he is "sorting it out". So, I want to not say anything more for a while...but, this is something I will not budge on...I love him very much but I will not go out with a layabout...so how long should I wait? How do I avoid becoming a nagging girlfriedn?

May 26, 2005
12:11 pm
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Randomwomen2
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hun he realy does need to get a job i know my husband is unemployed at the time and its killing me. I do think you need to stress the point it means a lot to you then you need to share it he is a man he needs to get off his bootie and work. And how better to get self confidence than to work at it. If he just stays home his confidence level is not going to go up. Just make sure you tell him that you love him and let him know how you feel cause him getting all worked up about working is a cop out he realy does need to work to keep the balance in your relationship. i dont think you are the one that wants to do everything.
I hope some of this helped
Love
Julie

May 26, 2005
2:33 pm
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kathygy
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I would come up with a time limit on this else it could go on for years. Just pick a time limit that feels comfortable to you. After that if he's still unemployed I would kick him out. Don't enable him in being unemployed. As long as he knows you will accept it he won't try very hard. Also, he might look for support groups for people looking for work.

May 27, 2005
5:36 am
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revelation
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Hi,

thanks for the advice.
Yeh random, I get what you mean about the confidence thing...its like a viscious-circle, he can't go out and get work cuz he doesn't have the confidence, but his confidence drops the longer he stays unemployed. I've been unemployed for a very short time in my early 20's I found it soul-destroying...too much time to think!!!
Thanks kathyg on your suggestion, yes, I have thought about a time-limit.
I'm going to say nothing about it for a week and then bring it up again next friday. I'll let yiz know what happens.

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