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the highs and lows...
August 11, 2005
3:38 pm
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emsie
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September 24, 2010
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i don't know where to start really. my mums an alcoholic, i think thats where my problems have sprung from. i've read a lot about codependency and i've only recently realised thats wot my problem is. i knew in my past relationship with X that something was wrong. he was such a good person and all i could do was create problems, not content with a happy peaceful life. i read something that said that children or people with addictive family members often create problems becuase they are not used to living a life witout the highs and the lows. i don't enjoy the lows, but i don't know how to live without them and i hate that i can't stop ruining things, its like i'm not happy unless i make the person closest to me, namely x miserable. i turned x into a person that needed me, i could always predict what he would do. he'd always call me after an argument, always be the nice guy and i suppose i got kind of bored. thats when y came along and i broke x's heart. y is different, he treats me like an adult and for that reason i don't play up to him like i did x. unlike x who i saw everyday, in comparison i hardly ever see y which was a welcome break to begin with, however he blocks me out for weeks at a time and hes never there for me when i need him, even wen i tell him. i'm there without fail wen hes in trouble and i just wish he were there sometimes. the trouble is when we are together things are perfect but when we're apart its like he doesn't care and i'm just an annoying little girl with nothin better to do with my time than chase him. its like he blows hot and cold and i can't keep up. the trouble is now i'm not with x anymore i feel so alone, i don't tlak to people about my problems and my past, its not something i enjoy doing and i don't want everybody knowing.
i really do love this guy, i just wish he'd understand or at least care. i know i;ve got a dependency problem but i don't want to give him up just because of me. and then i question, am i just goin crazy thinking all this stuff????

August 12, 2005
10:46 am
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taj64
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Hello. Hang in there. I understand you perfectly. I too have both alcoholic parents, father passed away when I was 13 because of it and now my sister is raging alcoholic. For past few years I too have been in dependent relationship where i did not get what I wanted in it and outside looking in and seeking love to a person emotionally incapable of love. I am trying now to deal with myself who I have no idea who I am right now and dealing with loss, and stuck with me after I know that it is over, too hard right now but I am feeling it, trying to not shut it out. I hope it is not forver to feel this way. I also was married to an alcoholic 10 years ago and not been in a real relationship in all that time except for this person that I am addicted to who can offer me nothing. I can relate to what you are saying. You have support from me.

August 13, 2005
2:42 pm
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emsie
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September 24, 2010
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omg, i can't get hold of him and its been over a week...its driving me crazy...i think i'm gettin paranoid but i'm sure there will b a reasonable explanation for this...or at least i hope...how did i get so dependent upon a person who clearly doesn't want to know??...someone incapable of takin my feelins into account...i don't know how i got here and why its him, but right now i am hating myself, i was the only one to get me into this situation and the only one that can get myself out of it...but right now don't know where to find the strength.

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