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the hardest thing I had to do- turned him away-- I'm a mess and need help to be strong- thedogsmom
May 12, 2007
9:32 am
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StronginHim77
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Wow, TDM!!!

You ought to write a book. That last posting was GREAT. Everyone should read it.

- Ma Strong

May 12, 2007
10:07 am
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smarterone
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dogs mom
I still admire you, mine is still living here. We have been getting food from food banks, one bag for three and they say cannot be given every three months. I shouldnt expect help but understand i gave myshirt off my back to others. I didnt do it for payback but i think that should give me some kudos. There is no one but you guys out there. I am going crazy. And yes, 5 went togas and the rest to crank. That is exactly what son does. Have you gotten to the point of hate yet, this is an oblilgation or a reason to pushhim away, just give it to himt o get rid of him. Mine knows i am so much in trouble andjust when i am falling asleep he comes in while the spineless b/f is sitting in lriving room playing playstation,....and says i swear this is the last time, and really as dumb as i am i thinkhe is hanginginbars and using it. I usualy can tell. A few times i found now a burnt up spoon and hypos, after telling him imnot stupid, he says its for coke. Whatever. Youknow i would love to escape but i did mydrug in the 70s, skimmed it thru with my first hubby,his dad, andnow we dont and dont see or talk either. He is eating my brain. I bless you and ask god to take this sufferage away from you cuz i feel like im going mad. I know your feelings dm, i just spoke to a friend im going to pack all i can in my car and drive down after court date and take it from there, i have so much legal work under my name, everything they own, and owe for. You know what i havenothing they can take, but some can take my ssi disabilty check, a bill my ex inprison already did and i had to sign an agreement. GOod luck my friend i hope you are stronger than i am, i am lost again;

May 12, 2007
4:42 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Smarterone -

Please call the local churches. Most have a "mercy pantry" and will provide you with emergency groceries.

- Ma

May 13, 2007
12:03 pm
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AQueen
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DogsMom-
That's WONDERFUL that you have stuck to your plan on not letting him back in. Did I tell you he would promise the world to get that mealticket back?? They are so predictable it's pathetic. The camping out in the lawn chair, well my friend had to kick her mooching brother out and he sat outside her apartment door all night long and then when she opened the door to leave he begged for another chance. When you reach the point of kicking someone out there isn't room for another chance. She called and asked me what to do I said call the police. They won't arrest him but they'll make him leave and probably put a little fear into him, at least he'll know you're serious as a heart attack. I told her after he leaves she should pack a bag and leave and stay with friends for a few days. That way she won't have to deal with him and risk making a huge mistake by letting him back in. It really doensn't matter if the person is your son, your brother, your boyfriend or husband, if they are a problem they are a problem--period. I've had to deal with my brother and my ex begging me to let them back in blah blah blah. When I felt weak I simply shut my cell phone off and took my home phone off the hook. Then I got stronger and changed my numbers, that sent a message alright! I was done! There will be moments when you question yourself, this is normal. When this happens try to process the emotion for what it really is. It is normal to grieve, you just ended a relationship with someone who has been in your life for quite some time. Even if they were a jerk you will still have to adjust to your new life without them in it.

I've learned through my support groups and counseling that a lot of counselors make the mistake and say you should do couples counseling. This should never be advised if one of the partners has control issues and the other has codependency issues because the controlled will dominate the session trying to explain away their behavior blah blah blah. I just thought I would share that info with those who are considering couples counseling with a partner that has some control issues. I cannot remember if you said your guy did DogsMom but most addicts do.

Keep up the good work! It will be so worth it. The hard part is dealing with the issues that cause use to tolerate crappy relationships in the first place. That's where the real work begins. Counseling and support groups are where it's it when you are looking for tools to handle problems like codependency.

AQueen

May 14, 2007
3:28 am
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smarterone
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My son has court tomorrow for domestic which will be dropped. Allday today he showed up with all these stories now i found out tht hehas taken all my vicodin and sold most of them. My b/f now changing mind about me getting a break away, he must know i dont want to come back. I have so much here to close on with myname though. My son came at 11 and said i need just 5 pills to get gas in car????? are you nuts i have no more thief, junkie, i get relly mouthy and cant stop. I took his house key and he was lifting his fist in anger, and mikey my b/f slept thru the whole thing, i went in to the bedroom, pushed him and thanked himfor protectionand said, now yhou know why im leaving jerk. I told him just for two week and it probably will be, but i will set up something in the meantime. Now i kicked kid out, took his key, that means nothing really though, wished he bee locked up, and put his clothes outside. I am afraid to leave house now, he can be screwy. How can i go away knowing he willbe around and mikey working?

May 14, 2007
11:27 am
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StronginHim77
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GO. Leave. Get out of there. Take your belongings and don't look back. Take back your life, Smarterone. You can do this. I am so worried that -- if you don't do it for yourself now -- you may NEVER be free of this terrible oppression and torment.

Don't let anything or anyone stop you from leaving. And forget about Mike. He isn't worth the paper his birth certificate is printed on. He is not helping you one bit. Look at him with open eyes and see what he really is.

- Ma Strong

May 14, 2007
11:46 am
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smarterone
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I threw my back out, so much pain. See dogs mom, you are strong, chris came home this morning from court and i let him in and i was crying in pain and he started crying and took care of me. He just is so, pathetic, he won his case, no jail, im so lucky. He now is pissed, what nerve at mikey, cuz mikey told him you know if i leave he is gone. I told him he had big ones you are such a screw up. I dont want to talk about this, i know what i am, i dont know why i cant get it together. Girls, wheni leave this week, thats when i can make my decisions, i really deep down, dont want to do the long time thing, i have to see their reactions to me gone. I love you all. Have to relax be back later.

May 14, 2007
12:10 pm
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nappy
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Smart,
I have been reading your story for a while and it is a shame that you are going through this. I really wish that there was something that I could say to you for you to snap out of this. It is a shame that you are allowing these people to walk all over you.
There would be no way in hell that I would allow them to make me seem like I am the one that is crazy. You are putting up with more then I could ever do even with my own child.
You say that you is angry at your son but by reading what you are writing, you are supplying him with his habits.
You write and say that you are sick of the whole thing but I don't really see you doing anything about it. You write that you want to see there reaction when you leave, what reaction do you want from them.
You want them to fall down and say that they are sorry and that they want do it again. Please
That is little childrens lies. You are messing with grown people and I hate to say sweetheart but you need to work on YOU for starter. Going away for two weeks is not going to do the trick. You need to stay away and truly get your act together.
You is in that other stages in your life to where if you keep going down, you may not be able to pull yourself out of that hole that you are in.
And who ever this person is that is saying that if you leave, he is going to be gone. Tell him to start packing and leaving now so that he want have to see you leave.
You have to value yourself first before you can make that first step. As long as it took you to come to this point in your life, is probably how long it is going to take you to work on yourself. Never give up hope because you can get through this but you is the one that is going to have to put effort, it is not them. But YOU!
Nappy

May 14, 2007
3:07 pm
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AQueen
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Smarterone--
You want to see how they'll react to you being gone. Well I'll tell you exactly how they'll react. They will probably cycle through a few different emotions like disbelief and anger. Then they will start with the promises and the honeymoon period will start. They will be on good behavior, for a short while. But see they know they don't have to shape up because they called your bluff! They will know you weren't really intending on leaving otherwise you would just do it and not say a word.

I thought I was helping by providing a home for my addict. I wasn't. I wasn't letting his face the blows his addiction was throwing at him because I was too busy standing in the way taking the blows myself!!! I was living the life of an addict and I wasn't even using drugs! I was broke, things were stolen all the time, no gas in the car, 1000's of needles everywhere! I was in your shoes! I was in the exact same situation down to the burnt spoons and everything! I took action and my life is 100% better. You can do it. The key is just do it. Don't warn them, don't talk about it, do it. Do it now. Get a no contact order so you don't have to worry about your son showing up at your work, home, school, at the store, etc. He will be ordered to stay at least 500ft from you. Get yourself to a CODA meeting for support. You aren't helping your son. You are hindering his ability to learn to care for himself because you are busy doing it. See how he acted nice when he came home from court, it's because he was kissing butt after you took his key! He will do WHATEVER it takes to keep his mealticket, don't you forget that! You do have the strength inside you to do this, you just don't know it yet. Quit saying you're not strong because that is a lie. We all have a inner strength, we just have to tap into it. Good luck.
AQueen

May 16, 2007
12:35 am
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smarterone
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but i really dont want to stay here, i have to do it the chicken way. What do i do about utilities, i called them and they said i have to get theother person to sign over to in person. I dont want to leave mikey without electric and water, he has been good he is just plain naive. Really. My car is under my ins. policy wit theirs and i asked them what happens if if split it and he has to give them the whole amt again. He just paid 533, which was mostly cuz his car is still owned by co. and ins. is higher, if itake mine off, then i have to put out a premium. Im still in trouble wfromt he ex in prison, paying as a co-signer from a loan in 96, they hit up my disability check and now are allowed to so i had to make a payment plan. Same thing wit irs, a senator finaly got me released from this. I feel screwed everyway. Do you think just running away, no contact nothing, will i get introuble with law. I now have to wait 15 days for my divorce papers to come, I went tody for divorce from prisoner. Cant blow that and also, the 500 dollars of mine which i made a stupid mistake and made chris go bail mikey out, puts only his name on check coming in mail as long as 3 wks. I have no doubt if i am not here, he will cash and keep it. I wont be able to do anything about it either. I called the prison and explained, doesnt matter.

May 16, 2007
1:28 pm
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AQueen
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Even if you are there he has to cash the check and based on past behavior he will screw you. Will you get into trouble for leaving, like arrested for running out on your bills--probably not. I guess if it's easier to leave right now then I say do it. Plenty of people run away from things but the deal is you will have to fact things someday. Do you think that you would get weak and let them know where you are? If so then what good is running. You have to make them leave and call the police to get the point across. Yes it may be hard in the beginning but do you want to deal with the pain now or later, later will be worst and it may be harder. To be truthful I don't see this happening unless you get some support sweetie, get yourself to a codependency anonymous meeting, a domestic violence support group for the verbal and emotional abuse, something! They are free and you will need the support to stay strong. It seems like you are afraid of making them mad, you are worrying about shutting off the electricity and stuff. Screw it, they are grown men they will figure it out. Your son will never ever have a chance at being a independent man if you keep enabling him. The boyfriend, sounds like you don't respect him and you're not really in love with him so cut him loose, don't worry about him. You are too busy worrying about everyone else and you aren't worrying about yourself. You are caring for everyone but yourself. That's what we do us codependents! Worry and stress and bitch and fight. Chaos reins in our homes. It's horrid. Good news is there is life after codependency.
AQueen

May 16, 2007
3:14 pm
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nappy
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Smart,
Why in the world are you so worried about these grown people?

I ask a question to you on your thread.
Can you honestly say that you want to live the other half of your life in misery.

The more I read your story, the madder I get because I trying to figure why you are afraid of them.

Are you tried of being disrespected? Are you tried of being bent over and cripple for there sake?

There will be no way in hell that I with my life, let these two run ALL OVER ME.

You have done nothing but made excuses for these two. You have even made the threat to leave but when you don't back up your words, then they only thinks that you are joking and like I said before, they will continue to what they are doing.

You would never answer me when I ask the question of how long have you been putting up with this.

We all have troubles and we can sit up here and talk about it and complain and complain and complain but truth, you have to do something about it. You can run, but you still have to face, yourself and your problems.

I just hate the fact that you is allowing these people to walk all over you and you putting it in your head that you deserve this.
Bullshit!
Nappy

May 22, 2007
11:25 am
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smarterone
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nappy
i left last week and its no bed of roses. I have two different friends i go back and forth. DOnt feel good, keep in touch with mikey, he is making arrangements to take care of finances, son did pay car like promised but i called agency and i think he lost job.
My g/f set up this christian counselor i saw, it will be hard but i dont want permanent. Truthfull im not sure what want and i dont want to stay forever to find out. so confused nap.

May 22, 2007
12:00 pm
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nappy
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Smart, I will be there for you when you need me.
I will be your friend, when you feel that there is no way but my friend, there is.
I didn't mean to be mean on my thread before this one but you have been through so much and these two are doing nothing but taken advantage of you and that is not right.

You is more then you think you is.
I told you that they (mikey and chris) is still going to do what they want to do.

What has change since you have been gone? Nothing

I been in your shoes to where you are some place and you don't want to be but I had to take that time to think about me and what I wanted. And it was worth it. I did go back but I was packing up and leaving soon after because I realize that I was worth more then what I was getting. I had accepted so much that after awhile I thought that it was normal but it wasn't and the only person that could put a stop to it was me and that was exactly what I did. It was hard don't get me wrong but I came through with it. I walked and I crawl through that pain and I did get to the other side.

It is not going to be easy, and life is surely not fair but this is your life and your well being and you truly deserve alot more in life then what you are getting.
Take those baby steps and then you will begin to see the giant steps that you are making. Go to the counselor and start working on yourself. Step into a new light and see what is before you.
I will be there for you!
Love
Nappy!

May 22, 2007
6:02 pm
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lettingo
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thedogsmom,
I haven't been on this site for a little while and I was so thrilled when I read your post. Your recovery is amazing! You are doing SOOOO well. I can see myself in what you are going through. The crawling home to bed and barely making it through the day. IT WILL continue to get more peaceful and believe it or not easier. My ex who I divorced is now in jail and just wrote me a letter, all the I'm sorry, blah, blah, It still made me cry BUT I am now able to see all the manipulations. They are MASTERS at trying to get you to think they can't survive without you. But you finding out he can and so can you! Awesome and inspiring!!!! Don't be hard on yourself regarding sliding. I could write a BOOK on the stupid things I did over and over. It takes what it takes!!

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