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The Eye of the Storm - Sininho
May 17, 2007
9:16 pm
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I´m out of one therapy and into another. Together with this there´s been a milestone I´ve achieved. I get out of bed without an anxiety attack. Although I seem to go to bed more anxious. Thinking of the things I could have done while sleeping away drowning in depression. I have to start more five-minute chores. I get overwhelmed by big jobs and yet have a hard time breaking them down.

There has been some major happenings in my life in the last month. I got a kitty, I started some ikebana flower arrangements (kind of, I pick the flowers, change whats in vases), I put a fast gear in my bike and am riding more. I needed the fresh changes. I now have chronic neck pain which the doc diagnosed as Syndrome of Atlas.

I dont wanna talk more, write more, I´m just afraid this is the eye of the storm before the show down Hurricane. I´ve had more energy, more pain, less sleep, less depression... I dont know what to make of this time of my life.

Any ideas?

May 17, 2007
9:23 pm
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I read many post about depression. I know my daughter has depression. I have always wondered "why sleep"? When I get depressed or anxious I clean. I clean until I drop so I can sleep. My mind won't stop long enough for me to sleep when I am depressed.

Does sleeping help ease the pain of depression? How do you get your mind to stop thinking about what is making you depressed?

May 17, 2007
9:28 pm
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*Greeneyes*

I like cleaning but the motivation (memories) is not there. Sleeping is just a tranquilizer, it is also nice and warm if its winter. The key is motivation and looking forward to something. Tks for asking. BTW, talking is very good to me since depression leads to isolation and rumination.

May 17, 2007
9:50 pm
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Hey, I don't get much time to write but anytime i see you have posted I'll just pop in and say HI!

I don't like feeling alone! This site has helped me. I know I can reach out and some wonderful person will stop their busy life and try to make me feel better. That is like way -cool-!

Why is it so hard to do this in a mano e mano life? Ya know like walking in a room and someone say hey how's it going and you like really believe they mean it! 🙂 The moment you say well I been depressed ..you see that look of damm why did I ask?

May 17, 2007
10:02 pm
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Yeah, depression is kinda of contagious, that´s why we should talk less about it. But as I heard here, we need to name to tame it.

I´ve grown a lot through the posts here. It would be great if we could do this in real life. Some groups do. Hard to find them nearby. It´s just that the anonymous thing doesnt work "nearby". Anyway, I realize I havent opened up as much as I wanted when the anonymous sthing doesnt make much of a difference. It seems I haven´t digged down far enough. 🙂

Id love to hear from you. My posts are signed Sininho, usually. I´m stepping out for a bite. It´s 2300 here. (((green eyes)))

May 17, 2007
10:02 pm
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hey there sweetheart. I have also been depressed lately. I have been very grumpy and been so tired. One thing that I have done is to put some good music going and clean house. I get so lost in the music that the chores go by fast. In fact that's the only way I get chores done. Do you take ibuprofen for your neck? It could help. I need to see my chiropractor again. I get something so out in my neck that it causes swelling and massive headaches. Hugs to you sweetheart things will get better. ((((Sininho)))))

May 17, 2007
10:11 pm
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It sounds like you are doing wonderful!!! It must be hard work to accomplish the things you have.....I think I too at tiimes suffer from anxiety of some sort.....For example...whenever I go to a party (last one was over a year ago), a wedding, a night club, etc...my heart starts pounding and I get EXTREMELY nervous....why? Because I am afraid people will take one look at me and start laughing at me or making comments, and I will be unacceptable.....I even get anxiety when I have to go to the "north" towns, which is were my ex lives....Oh God I hate that......to the point that I avoid the entire NORTH towns area!!!!!

How did you know you had anxiety? I think it is wonderful you got a kitty.....I can't wait to get a pet.....the love they give.....I'm really happy that you are making such positive changes for yourself.......I don't think the hurricane is coming, but I can certainly understand your fear.....it sounds like you are very strong and I am proud of your progress!!!!

May 17, 2007
10:18 pm
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I'm sorry, I just reread your thread and I think I misunderstood......

I'm sorry you are going to bed anxious.....I do understand that.....I too think of things I should be accomplishing things, goals, istead of being so sad, or drowning myself in work so I don't have to think of my pain, or feel it....it sounds like you have made positive changes and are heading in the right direction, even if you think they may be small.....getting a pet can be the most rewarding and also, calm our nerves and some anxiousness.......as far as the jobs go, I understand that too.....a five minute job at home, seems like it takes the wind out of me, to the point that "big" jobs, like cleaning my living room or bedroom, seems like an impossible task......I do try, when I have the energy, to do something, such as pick up the papers, and then take a break...it seems to help and I am hoping, once this depression I am in passes, I will be able to do more at longer intervals.......bike riding is wonderful for us and the fresh air will help too......hang in there, you have much love and support from all.......:)

May 17, 2007
10:46 pm
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(((Random)))

So long I havent heard from you... at lealst it seems so. I wish I could type faster to catch up on everything.

So sorry about your back pain. I too will try chiropractice as $oon as, you know. I guess Im too far gone for ibuprofen. But then, when Im not too psychossomatic, it may just do the trick. Tks, hadnt thought of that.

Oh, those boys of yours! Miss on how theyre doing. Little helpers, are they? Well, if you dont let 4 yr-old help they will feel bad. I forgot their ages.

Random, keep going with your music and cleaning. Im actually glad my kitty came to bring the dust outta hiding around here. No sooner have I swept, she finds another dust ball!!

hugs,

May 17, 2007
10:53 pm
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you can catch up with me on my thread 'me my story my life' Just select view all posts. My boys cleaned there room today and 5 minutes after it was done I heard the crashing of blocks. SO now there room is a disaster again

May 17, 2007
11:03 pm
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(((tmv))) Tks for the support, the rooting, it means a lot!

Its interesting that you asked me how I knew I had anxiety. Its true that whats anxiety provoking for one is not for another. What a shame to shun the north. Think of it as the gray windy rainy winter north! IIm actually way down south of the equator and hate the winter here with the Antartic winds across the plains. Not close to the pole tk HP! I miss so much the sunny clear days!

And when you think of your x, here´s a trick. Called desensitization, I think. Put a rotten egg into a medicine bottle and close tightly. When you think of x, open the bottle and take a sniff. Yuck! Yeah, he´s sthe yuck in your life then, he he. As every untasting medicine, the cure is fast, you dont want too many doses.

About the bike thing, I waited till it had cob webs oall over it and my knees started failing me. Water maybe but lack of exercise for sure. Dont wait!

So you too have to overcome the initial inertia to get jobs done? Ive found out the motivation and the looking forward to things and putting a timing on tasks help a lot. You think?

Now back to my progress, I shouldnt be here. Its 24:00 and I need my zzz´s though they dont need me. Another late start tomorrow...oh, well...

May 20, 2007
8:36 pm
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kicking myself up 🙂

May 20, 2007
8:46 pm
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Hi hon...I will respond to you tom. Going to bed right now!
(((Sini)))

May 20, 2007
8:49 pm
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Sleep tight, sweetie!!!
xoxo,
S

May 20, 2007
9:47 pm
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(((sini)))miss you girl!

"I´ve grown a lot through the posts here. It would be great if we could do this in real life. Some groups do. Hard to find them nearby. It´s just that the anonymous thing doesnt work "nearby." I understand this. I too have grown having the aac in my life. See, I can now even say I have grown and that is progress in itself!

I deal a lot with anxiety and the depression fluctuates. I go to bed easily and wake up often filled with anxiety and have to get out of bed...not good when I have to get up for work though. Like RW, cleaning and listening to music helps. I have started doing more yardwork and that helps some. My son gave me an mp3 player for Christmas and I use it a LOT! Now, I need to update my songs.

Oh, sini, one week of school left for me!!!

Miss you!

p.s. I started therapy last week.

May 21, 2007
1:07 am
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Thanks for the warm invite...I made it! ((((Sini))))

Now need to catch up with what is going on in your life.... "eye of the storm", huh? hmmmmmmm

May 21, 2007
2:11 am
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Are we talking about depression here??? Greeneyes, that is a good question about sleeping and depression...makes ya kinda wonder what the connection is there...for me my life sucked big time - could see no hope for a happy future beyond the misery I was in - it was so much nicer to just crawl into my comfy bed and stay there to just dream of what I wanted my life to be. And once I started spiraling downward into the depths of basically death (thats what I call my experience of the depths of a major depression) I couldn't stop it...felt so much better to not have to deal with my life. Working on to never see those days again.

Sini-sounds like you have some wonderful things going on or started that are of great benefit when dealing with depression...to start with --- kitty , the 5 minute chores thinger (did a therapist recommend that or is that one of your originals? I love that idea), the flower arranging, and having a bike with a fast [email protected]!! How often do you ride? Now does the bike have a basket for kitty to go along too : )

As for as the anxiety- that is the worst. What helps for that??? Thinking back, I thought I haven't dealt with that much, but now see that I did just didn't know what it was. One idea to pass on that I did/do when I start thinking about what I should of/could of done regarding low points my life is I start thinking about what I did do, what I have done in and with my life that is postive. Hey- one thing you could put on your postive list- is how YOU made one very sad and lost person in this world (LL) smile, laugh, giggle : ) during a time in her life that she really, really needed it. ALSO how you passed on such meaningful and wise words to LL. Now thinking about it, YOU Sini have made a positve impact on my life. YOU Sini were part of my healing, and my growth. hmmmmm and with those thoughts, btw thank you!!

Alright time for me to get some sleep here...

((((Sini))))

May 21, 2007
6:15 pm
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Welcome back hon. Yes, depression & anxiety are twins which are both familiar to me.

What I realized during the depressive periods of my life is that D is feminine sickness we will always have to deal with. I still suffer from depression and being in bad mood around my PMS. That's why I try to be by myself and breathe deeply during that unlucky time. You're already filling your life with lots of positive stuff. Kitty brought so much joy into my life that I owe my success in my healing journey to PP!!! Do you volunteer? Doing something good for others during our lowest periods prove to be very therapeutic. Biking is wonderful. I wish I could purchase a bike. Flower arrangements is fabulous way of de-stressing. My buddy always goes on bike to so many places and keeps telling me I should buy one.

Listening to your favourite music another good way of unwinding. Reading some motivational books b4 bedtime is a great way of de-stressing. Taking bubble bath with lavender or relaxing fragrance, dimming lights, meditation, yoga are all helpful tools to help you to unwind.

Drinking a warm glass of milk sweetened with honey is a sure way to help you fall asleep just like a baby. Try it. I used to do so when I was suffering from insomnia.

Sweet Dreams! Give me your news ASAP. Let M sleep beside you. PP helps me fall asleep. She sleeps like a baby and now that she is shaven, she looks like a poodle. So sweet and irresistible.

(((Sini & M)))

May 21, 2007
8:22 pm
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Any news (((Sini)))???

May 21, 2007
8:59 pm
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(((GG))) So good to hear from you on “my post”. As much as the anonymous thing works, Im glad youre not anonymous anymore, you´re GG!! So what´s this about having a hard tiime getting out of bed. Get a cockatoo and it´ll sing for you every morning! You don’t even have to drag yourself to the PC to get LL : ) !! Besides who knows she may in LTZ (love time zone) these days…

I´m so glad you´ll see a therapist. Unwind and blurt it out. As Shaney says “the words should come out flying from your mounth”. Do bring notes, but see if you can linger on one topic for a while. Remember that for the other person, its not that easy to feel your feelings. Its so good to be able to open up in a safe place. Even if you don’t like your therapist and change, confidentiality is number one.

Friends can help sometimes, but sometimes they can´t, and then you feel like “what the hell did I open up for?” The tough thing in recovery , though, is that we change but people and situations around us remain the same. Then again, youre not growing for them, youre growing for yourself, so that you can´t be further damaged by your surroundings. I remember the days when I read your posts and I just wanted to reach over and take some of your pain away. Now you came a long way!! Keep it up! hugs,

Well, (((LL))), Sleeeping Beauty for us who wondered what you were up to… Im too working not to see those days of major depression again. Ive always known depression and anxiety won´t be beat by sleeping, but it helped. To me, as I knew I wouldn´t die from my miscalculated suicide attempts, I started to wonder where I would find myself when I woke up. I needed one major decision to start the ball rolling.

So away with unempathic analysis therapy and on with kitty. Mitzie´s turned my home upside down, but before it wasn’t a home, it was a shack with some airs of a house and a lot of dust balls. Now I look one way and find three things to be done, I start one and then go get the tools, when I get to the tools, I see three things to be done, I start one and then go… get it, right? So, LL, if you like the 5-minute chore idea, that´s Mitzie´s credit, not mine. Now, LL, I´m not counting how often I ride my bycicle b/c it depends on the wind. The wind outside and the wind inside, puff puff : But it’s a start.

Aw, LL, tks for letting me cheer us up and share my 2c´s. Im really glad you found some wisdom amongst the scattered wisdom. hugs,

(((Ras))) You are a great survivor of depression and anxiety. I agree with your feeling of having to deal with depression forever. And its true that while more women have depression, more men have alcoholism problems. I wish there was more understanding than stigma going around for both diseases.

I know depression can be beat, or else we die. I hold on to that. So while I didn’t die, I made a major decision: Booting the analysis oriented umempathic therapy b/c I wanted to give my sieblings a doctor´s follow up evaluation of myself. As usual I felt I couldn’t give my sieblings a self evaluation myself. Little did I know, I felt better after I stopped that therapy, then second guessed myself as Shaney put it, but I stuck to my ground and to AAC friends, found Mitzie, and hey, here I am. I have a terrible pain in my neck/back but I know somewhere there´s a cure for that, too.

About volunteering, in a way I do. I have two students that currently are paying a symbolical fee for classes. They are very motivated. If I can handle more work, I´ll go back to the religious boarding home I lived in for a while - the sisters appreciate any work and are so happily contagious I love to be around them.

One thing about flower arrangements (ikebana), origami or praying is that you have to like what you do. Otherwise you wont relax. However, the secret to that, says a friend, is to take some calming tea and then do 40 of those thingies and b4 you know it, you´re zen!

Now, whats this neighbor of yours inviting you for a bike ride?!!! 😀 hugs,

May 21, 2007
9:10 pm
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(((GG))) So good to hear from you on “my post”. As much as the anonymous thing works, Im glad youre not anonymous anymore, you´re GG!! So what´s this about having a hard tiime getting out of bed. Get a cockatoo and it´ll sing for you every morning! You don’t even have to drag yourself to the PC to get LL : ) !! Besides who knows she may in LTZ (love time zone) these days…

I´m so glad you´ll see a therapist. Unwind and blurt it out. As Shaney says “the words should come out flying from your mounth”. Do bring notes, but see if you can linger on one topic for a while. Remember that for the other person, its not that easy to feel your feelings. Its so good to be able to open up in a safe place. Even if you don’t like your therapist and change, confidentiality is number one.

Friends can help sometimes, but sometimes they can´t, and then you feel like “what the hell did I open up for?” The tough thing in recovery , though, is that we change but people and situations around us remain the same. Then again, youre not growing for them, youre growing for yourself, so that you can´t be further damaged by your surroundings. I remember the days when I read your posts and I just wanted to reach over and take some of your pain away. Now you came a long way!! Keep it up! hugs,

Well, (((LL))), Sleeeping Beauty for us who wondered what you were up to… Im too working not to see those days of major depression again. Ive always known depression and anxiety won´t be beat by sleeping, but it helped. To me, as I knew I wouldn´t die from my miscalculated suicide attempts, I started to wonder where I would find myself when I woke up. I needed one major decision to start the ball rolling.

So away with unempathic analysis therapy and on with kitty. Mitzie´s turned my home upside down, but before it wasn’t a home, it was a shack with some airs of a house and a lot of dust balls. Now I look one way and find three things to be done, I start one and then go get the tools, when I get to the tools, I see three things to be done, I start one and then go… get it, right? So, LL, if you like the 5-minute chore idea, that´s Mitzie´s credit, not mine. Now, LL, I´m not counting how often I ride my bycicle b/c it depends on the wind. The wind outside and the wind inside, puff puff : But it’s a start.

Aw, LL, tks for letting me cheer us up and share my 2c´s. Im really glad you found some wisdom amongst the scattered wisdom. hugs,

(((Ras))) You are a great survivor of depression and anxiety. I agree with your feeling of having to deal with depression forever. And its true that while more women have depression, more men have alcoholism problems. I wish there was more understanding than stigma going around for both diseases.

I know depression can be beat, or else we die. I hold on to that. So while I didn’t die, I made a major decision: Booting the analysis oriented umempathic therapy b/c I wanted to give my sieblings a doctor´s follow up evaluation of myself. As usual I felt I couldn’t give my sieblings a self evaluation myself. Little did I know, I felt better after I stopped that therapy, then second guessed myself as Shaney put it, but I stuck to my ground and to AAC friends, found Mitzie, and hey, here I am. I have a terrible pain in my neck/back but I know somewhere there´s a cure for that, too.

About volunteering, in a way I do. I have two students that currently are paying a symbolical fee for classes. They are very motivated. If I can handle more work, I´ll go back to the religious boarding home I lived in for a while - the sisters appreciate any work and are so happily contagious I love to be around them.

One thing about flower arrangements (ikebana), origami or praying is that you have to like what you do. Otherwise you wont relax. However, the secret to that, says a friend, is to take some calming tea and then do 40 of those thingies and b4 you know it, you´re zen!

Now, whats this neighbor of yours inviting you for a bike ride?!!! 😀 hugs,

May 21, 2007
9:14 pm
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Hi there (((Ras)))

Sorry for double posting but my pc has a virus I think and gets stuck and the only way is to click submit again so it unfreezes :O

May 21, 2007
10:18 pm
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Hey there sini :o)

I have been skimming your thread to catch up with you. I've been adsent for a few days - relatives in town, a couple of birthday parties, some freelance work, stuff like that. I've been busy. I'm super irritated right now because I got into an arguement with M. He's such a dick sometimes... good most of the time, but a total DICK today. Sorry for the language. I'll explain more tomorrow if you're around.
It always makes me feel better to talk to you, so here I am. :o)

I stayed home from work today to catch up on some work. I actually got a lot done, so I'll be back to work tomorrow with a clear head.

Our escrow closes in two days, sini! Can you believe it? Actually, I think I heard M talking on the phone saying that escrow was actually closed, but the check comes in on Wednesday. Woohoo! Good news, eh?!

I'm going to start working on selling my car, so I can get a new one. I'm looking at the Lexus IS 350... look it up when you have a moment. I'm usually pretty frugal when it comes to buying cars, but this time I'm getting something that I REALLY want. I feel like I deserve it, after a this hellacious year... two years.... actually, I think the last THREE years have been pretty crappy. Anyway... I feel like I deserve a car that I'm actually excited to drive. And I want to get a bike too, so I can lose some weight and look cute in my car. HAHAHA! Just kidding. But I do need to lose about 10 pounds. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, so now I can stop worrying and concentrate on relaxing and doing things that make me happy. Which brings me to your question above....

I think you're in a mode where you're stepping out of your funk... and you're involving yourself in lots of different things to see what makes you happy and content. You're concentrating on YOU and what YOU like instead of what you think people want you to do. You're not trying so hard to please everyone else... you're working on finding the things that please you. You're slowing becoming this well-rounded independent person! You're biking for your physical health, you're arranging flowers for your creative health, you're teaching classes for your professional health, you're still experimenting with therapy for your mental health, and you adopted a kitty for your emotional health!!!! Sini, I have seen you grow so much in the past several months, and you've done it all yourself. You're laughing more, although you might have some neck and back pain, and you may be sleeping less, but you're waking up with less depression and more energy. I think that is wonderful progress. Neck and back pain will get better.... and there are always homeopathic ways to help you get more sleep... but the depression and the self-doubt has improved a hundred percent. Wallow in this wonderful stage that you find yourself in right now... you're growing before our eyes here :o). Let's brainstorm and come up with some really great relaxation ideas ( I need them too) and let's get rid of this tension in our back and neck... let's figure out how we can get more sleep, and let's continue to hold on to that happiness that we KNOW we can have. You've already gotten a taste of it, even though that quacky doctor wanted you to believe it was hypomania..... oh please. I like to give credit where credit is due... and it's because of you and your efforts that you're finding health and happiness. BELIEVE THAT MY FRIEND!!!

May 22, 2007
4:59 pm
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Aw, Shaney! Tks for summing up my life for me! When you paint the picture of my life it becomes actually quite bearable 🙂

How are you today? Ive also had some hectic time catching up on things from months and weeks ago, then on Mitzie all the free time. Im gonna come back later to check on you.

Hurah for that escrow! Yeay for that car in coming! Hey, if you drive a lot, comfort and some driving zest is not to be forgotten... L8R!

ooooo

May 23, 2007
9:56 pm
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(((Hi, firm believers and everyone)))

Its been so nice to count on you and AAC.

hugs,

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