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The e-mail I never sent - now used as a recovery tool.
September 8, 2005
1:20 pm
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geminismiles
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I wanted to share with you guys an E-mail that I wrote to my EX that I never sent. Later I discovered that this was actually a letter to myself and reading this helps to keep my perspective.

My EX went to jail after an abusive episode and while he was in jail I filed for Divorce. We remaind in contact the entire time and I continually took his phone calls. I wanted him away from me but not out of my life. I was afraid to tell him that I didn't want contact, I tried several times and couldn't find the strength to firmly set those boundaries and stick to them. I was in denial and didn't have the strength to "detatch" after our divorce. I feel that I have come a long way but still have a long way to go. When my EX got out of jail, he started therepy and I was still in denial, feeling guilty about everything and feeling as if everything was my fault and that I only divorced him because I was mad and that it truely wasn't what I wanted. He was out only a month when he called and said "This isn't going to work". I didn't fight it, I finally accepted it and we haven't been in contact since. Now, I am working on myself through therepy (just started)and STILL having a hard time letting go and I'm STILL holding on to the hope that if we both detach enough and concentrate on ourselves, someday, somehow we will be together in a healthy relationship. Maybe I will think differently down the line in my recovery. Maybe I'm still flip-flopping through the stages of grief ...I don't know... So i guess this is a letter to myself in reality.

Any Thoughts/Comments?? Thanks for reading my thread...here is that email..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I wasn’t going to reach out to you via the telephone or e-mail but the more I thought about it; I decided to e-mail you so that you could read it, and decide whether or not to consider what I have to say:

I want to say thank you again for your phone call last night. You exercised both strength and courage. I think it is a very positive step in BOTH of our pathways to personal responsibility and growth. I would like to reiterate what I said last night by saying, “I think we are on the same path as far as wanting to move on, grow from our experience, become better people , live strong , healthy lives and eventually be the givers and receivers of great love and happiness because…………. we deserve it!”

However, I must express, that I am more than a little concerned that you seemed so focused on what I needed to change, how I needed to change, what I need to take responsibility for and how I contributed to the failure of our relationship and ultimately the failure of our marriage, etc.

Rest assure, that I do realize the only way I can change my life is to change myself. How I go about that or what it is that I learn or learn how to change is ultimately up to me. Obviously, if I don’t want to continue being in abusive, unhealthy relationships then I HAVE to change….. or end up in the same places. So, let me assure you again that I have been taking the necessary steps to do what I need to do for myself; I can only hope that you’re doing the same for you. Regardless, you have no control over that nor do I with you. So please, let your therapy be about you and less about me……you can feel safe in leaving my therapy up to my therapist.

It’s easy to blame others for our problems and it’s easy to point out others’ faults even though it becomes so apparent what you feel they need to change....and you’d probably be right. It’s it amazing how clairvoyant things become when we are looking at them from a distance than when we are up close (life, the ultimate Monet!!....uuuggghh hindsight!) Also, it’s easier to point out other’s faults when you are afraid, unwilling or not ready to deal with the faults of your own. Then you eventually come to the realization that it’s a waste of time and energy to focus on someone else’s problems because there’s nothing you can do about it anyway, the only person you can change is yourself and well…..it’s just more important to be happy than it is to be right. (I learned this one the hard way…!!!!)

We BOTH had a role in the deterioration of our relationship because a relationship doesn’t fail due to one person or one event, etc. There is always DUAL responsibility and more often than not, multiple underlying issues on BOTH sides. Neither one of us is at complete fault but both of us have complete responsibility. Neither one of us are “victims” as long as we remain empowered to change. It’s time now to focus on ourselves, move on, not repeat the same patterns and find happiness within. Keeping in mind that happiness, ultimately, is not something you pursue; it’s something that ensues from efforts that transcend yourself. We decided to spend the rest of our lives together because of our feelings, but the rest of our lives together will be decided now by our actions. Maybe the only way to get back what we’ve lost is to…..……. let go.

Everything does happen for a reason. There was a reason we were brought together and there is a reason we were torn apart. We tend to get the problems we need in our life to fix the things about ourselves, within ourselves that need fixing. The worst pain occurs when you run from your pain and the worst pain usually comes from avoidance. The only way to get out of suffering is to get THROUGH it……….it is then that the true healing begins. I believe that we are soul mates, from this point forward I will forever be with you in heart and you will for ever be with me. WE CAN forgive eachother WE CANNOT forget each other. If we could fix for each other the things that need fixing than I’m sure we would have, we probably tried….many times. The things we have before us are things we must conquer on our own. If we were meant to be together……..we will be and we will know how to be. It was never a question of not understanding each other or not loving each other……we just didn’t understand how to love each other. Maybe someday we will…..when we understand and love ourselves and understand how to love ourselves. I MISS YOU! I will think about you for a loooooong time, I LOVE YOU and I will forever and ever…..*hugs and smooches*…..

Grow slowly, Care Deeply and ………Love Always!

Me

September 8, 2005
1:24 pm
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Anonymous
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EXCELLENT letter - and yeah, good you didn't send it - cuz in the end, it's more about you teaching those thoughts to yourself.

they say we teach best what we need to learn most.

I reread what I wrote here alot - cuz I know the messages I send out are messages I need to pay attention to myself.

the letter is great - you are very good with words.

September 8, 2005
3:56 pm
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taj64
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I liked the letter yet I saw red flags with this letter. It is meant to be a letter to the self. It is perfectly normal to fluctuate with emotions when trying to get over someone, the loss of love. You can feel sad then have good thoughts of the past. You are divorced, sounds like he wanted out, he did not want to continue. It is a matter of accepting it and moving on. It is healthy to write this out. It would be unhealthy to send it. It is long, and it is codependent to actually send it. It is not goodbye letter, you have already done the goodbye. You would be just trying one more time to explain yourself, why it didn't work, why why and more why. I think he already knows that you love him. It is a letter from a person who doesn't want to close the door to a person that has already closed the door. It is a letter from a love addict. It is a section for a codependent book. But perfect for a self letter and that is therapeutic.

September 8, 2005
4:00 pm
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Anonymous
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I think she said she hadn't sent it, and probably best if she never does.

but I like what she wrote in it...good stuff..for the self that is.

September 8, 2005
5:26 pm
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geminismiles
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No, I never sent this email I wrote it and saved it in my drafts folder. During and After the Divorce we tried to stay friends. I kept taking the calls out of fear. I was afraid of making him mad during the divorce and getting screwed after all he had already destroyed. Then I was afraid that if I didn't stay in contact with him, he would come after me when he got out of jail. My gut kept telling me "no contact, no contact" The Codep Love addict was telling me "you don't want him out of your life, you just need him away from you for awhile." I should have been seeking therepy right from the get go and I didn't. Basically, it wasn't until HE set the boundaries and said "this isn't going to work" that I was finally able to let go. I told myself that If I iniated no contact (which I tried to do but then I would always cave) then he would call and call and become angry and come after me and if HE initated no contact then it would be final and set in stone(which it has been) Becuase like everything else, it wasn't okay unless it was HIS decision - Dosen't matter. What matters to me is me. It is a daily struggle (as some of us know). I wrote this email the day after he called and "Made the decision" because this was an email of acceptance...I guess.

September 8, 2005
6:12 pm
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Anonymous
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sometimes when we are in iminent danger, we do the best we can to "SURVIVE" - you did just that.

initiating no contact would put you in danger and you knew it would only be a matter of time before you could do it safely or he would do it and end it.

I always tried to bully my ex BF's into breaking up with me - creating unbearable situations so they would leave and leave me alone - and not come back or not try to reconcile. Most of the time it worked.

one BF I told him "don't call me until you want to marry me"...he thought this was absolutely insane, called me a lunatic and left, never coming back again...is that what i wanted? hell no, but knew it would scare the crap out of him and make him never want to come back.

another BF, I found out he was cheating and we had such a roller coaster ride, that I didn't want the chance to go back again - one time I cut off my hair to a boy cut length - hoping to make myself less attractive to him (but I did look GREAT) but that didn't work - and the last time, I went to his apartment and took all my stuff - pots, pans, dishes, my clothes, my toothbrush, you name it - and even took back some of the gifts I had given him - well that crossed the line, he called the police, I was asked to come in for questioning, but they let me off - cuz they believed I only took the stuff that belonged to me - I could have gone to jail for burglary/larceny, cuz rightfully I had given them to him - and they belonged to him...this pissed him off so much, he won't speak to me again.

so we all do the same - but yeah, I missed him - and it has taken some time to get over him, even with the current guy I have - but in the end, no matter how dysfunctional I was - and how good he was inside, he was an alcoholic and I couldn't change that.

September 8, 2005
7:15 pm
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geminismiles
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Thanks alicat for sharing that...I beat myself up for awhile about not taking a stand with no contact. But I also felt by giving away my power to him and essentially leaving the decision up to him would, in the long run, be for my own good. Plus if I would have taken a stand - I would have felt guilty and caved, etc. I know he won't cave and break down and call me because it is not in his narcissistic personality to do that. Unfortuanately, dosen't make it hurt any less no matter who's decision it was...

September 8, 2005
7:19 pm
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Anonymous
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never does - in either case, you did what you thought was right and you are working on moving on, despite the pain - that's the best we can do in these circumstances.

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