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The Desperate search to feel better
August 5, 2007
5:52 pm
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Drawing1
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Now I have heard "you feel what you feel" quite a few times over. I've been strugling... on my own, with books, and with this website to feel differently. As of late I've been having panic attacks and have been seriously depressed. I mean severly. It's not just one thing. I've been on a search to discover whats wrong with me. I haven't turned up any hard evience of ONE thing. I had a moderately rough childhood but that's not IT. Nothing has pointed me in the right direction. I thought I may have been a alcoholic but I didn't lose anything nor have I ever been a round the clock drunk. I'm feeling very lost. I carry around a lot of shame. I feel guilt instead of anger. I'm lost and strugling to just function. I'm restless, I don't know what to do or where to turn. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone trying on their own to cope and finding it hard. I'm not talking about those poor people who have extream and very real problems(i.e. Sexual abuse). I feel that I'm extreamly sensitive but at a loss to find out WHY? I started doing good things this spring. I went back to school, I got an A. I started acting and more importantly FEELING more competent. Now, like some awful rubber band effect. I'm not doing what I need. I can't figure out what I need. I feel wishy washy and am overly concerned with how people see me. I'm angry, I'm unsure. I started out trying to grow with a head full of steam.. now what. I feel despreate. Who, other than a therapist, do people talk to about this? Any advice or even anyone in the same boat would be reassuring.

August 5, 2007
6:36 pm
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fantas
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Drawing 1,

I am just coming out of that phase myself. You are not alone in this. Many of us have gone through life feeling like we are missing the manual to life. I always felt like everyone knew something about living life that I didn't.

You mentioned that you feel depressed, have panic attacks, and generally struggle with your day to day life. You have set great goals for yourself but somehow you don't feel as grounded as you should be. You are also not sure if your are an alcoholic and you have feelings of shame that you don't understand.

Although you don't seem to think so, I think the root cause of the way you feel right now may be your "moderately rough childhood" as you put it. Our experiences in our formative years have great impact in our lives. We learn how to love and be loved, we learn what is expected of us, our confidence and love for ourselves is build or shattered at this age. If for whatever reason our care takers were less than loving and unstable, we grow to be unsure and nervous adults. I don't know what your childhood was like, but I would suggest takin a good look at how it has shaped who you are today.

My childhood was a violent and neglectful one. I never felt loved, safe, or certain of anything. As an adult I accomplished great things academically and professionally until I reached my thirties and then I hit bottom. I became insecure, anxious, panic attacks became a way of life, I always felt shame but it became unbearable and let's not talk about relationships. I made a mess of everyone that I was in. Like you, it never occured to me that my past had anything to do with it. I saw myself as a survivor and a fighter.

Relationship drama to the point of a nervous breakdown caused me to take a good look at myself as I really was and own everything about it from the day I was born till now. I had to take a close hard look at how my past has affected every decision I have made thus far and now I am relearning to be more deliberate about my every move. I have had to combine different forms of therapy to get myself where I am today.

I talked took antidepressants for while, talked to a therapist, did EMDR, hypnotherapy, adrenal and thyroid support, physical exercise, reading tons of self-help books, connecting to my higher power, twelve step groups and meetings. I did whatever I thought I needed to do until I felt my wheels begin to turn. I feel like I have a handle of myself. It's still the beinning and I can see my old habits creeping in every now and then but I feel in control now and I have tools to work with.

It's possible to feel better and your writing here is a great beginning. I feel like I just went on and on but I can so relate to where you are. Keep posting.

August 6, 2007
9:15 am
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caraway
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Drawing,

How old are you?

Cary

August 6, 2007
11:35 am
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smarterone
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Coming here venting and getting answers, or opinions or just love is a great thing. Also by listening and reading you can see we are not alone and there are others like us. I am in a jam and feel like there is never an escape, i pray alot too. I wish you luck and love

August 6, 2007
12:04 pm
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euqcaj
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Oh my goodness! You expressed how I so often feel. I am 55 years old and still experiencing your description. And when everyone else around you "seems" to be doing just fine,the insecurity is almost unbearable at times. It is so lonely and I feel so inadequate and then I'm angry with myself for feeling this way. I have also experienced the panic attacks, even before making a phone to someone, usually my daughter, when I'm so concerned about "how it will go", how she will respond to me today, etc. Sometimes I can have alot of self confidence and I feel "close to God" and on top of the world. Then I'm hating myself for something "I didn't say right" or not behaving as "I should have", or something,....I have always felt I'm not as sophisticated as other people my age. But I do alot of thing that other people my age don't do. I'm still relatively young looking, in good shape, run around with my grandkids, etc. But I feel insecure sometimes. Like maybe I'm not acting my age. But my husband says he's glad I don't act like some 55 year old's he sees. So I guess there's a good side to it. But I know, oh so well, the feeling's you described. I'm constantly worried about the relationships in our family. Am I still in my daughter's good graces, is everything ok? Does everyone still love me. I need to be loved and accepted by all or my world falls apart. It is so painful to carry on when this happens. I try to be an adult and have the proper perspective, but it's so difficult at times. It's so painful when I perceive something as directed at me, such as a slight, and then it turns out it had nothing to do with me. Sometimes people are just rude. Or, as in the case the other day, my granddaughter, who ALWAYS runs to me upon arrival, barely noticed me. I was crushed. I wondered if it had anything to do with our last "goodbye" when she cried and cried, and I think her parents had had enough and punished her for her behavior. I was so afraid that maybe they had conveyed to her that she wasn't supposed to love me so much. I was so worried, devastated, and almost paralyzed. Then her mother, my daughter, said the granddaughter was just tired. I took her for her word, and then I was so relieved and happy again. But I still had doubt because this had never happened before in all her 6 years, even when she was tired. But I was so happy to hear that's all it was, supposedly, and my daughter didn't seem to be hiding anything,....and then everything went well from that point. Until the next crash of doubt. Why can't I get a grip on these situations??? Why does everyone else seem to dictate my happiness or state of confidence. I need to please everyone. If I don't feel like I have, I die inside. Then I need to get back into their "good graces". Hugs to you. I so understand your position.
I also am so glad to read fantas's reply. I love the explantions. Thank you fantas. I look forward to communicating and learning from your experiences. Thank you so much!
euqcaj

August 7, 2007
4:26 am
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Drawing1
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Wow thanks people. Cary, I'm 25 years old. I'm still trying. I sometimes get a little hmm.. like "I can take care of this myself if I only knew what was wrong!" but I don't know what's up or what's wrong. My mom has general anxiety disorder, my childhood was well .. absentee father, verbally and rarely physically abusive stepdad, over to under involved mother. I feel like my childhood isn't "bad" enough to explain me. My older brother's a alcoholic. He's the problem, I'm the strong one. Or that's at least as it's seen. I used to take care of him untill I relized that he's a jerk that I don't wanna take of. I like nice guys but can't seem to make it work. I feel you eucaj! My Goodness right back at ya! The way I'm perceived is really an emotional rollarcoaster for me as well. I know I'm younger but I too am constant search for approval. I always wonder "how I'm I doing? Do I add up? Am I, in my making changes, TOO inconsistant with my personality." Thanks Fantas for sharing. -Drawing one

August 7, 2007
4:41 am
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Drawing1
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Fantas your story has made feel better. I'm trying after a spell of drinking too much for the last few years. I'm now trying accomplish the things "I'm supposed to accomplish" I wasn't a good student necessarily but always "book smart" by teachers It's kind of hard after years of being called stupid by family. I have a lot of anxiety. A lot to prove, in addition to it all suppose to come so easily (which it doesn't, it takes work.)

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