Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
The demise of my marriage
May 17, 2006
12:10 am
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

And so it ends. 16 years of marriage and 3 kids. 1 previous separation multiple attempts at working things out. Can't say we didn't try - yadda yadda. I'm angry and hurt. No, I'm not blameless, yes I think my wife and I are ill suited for eachother...but after two affairs on my part, three on hers, her drug addiction, the finacial dire straits it has put me in and the lack of trust and being fed (not food) as a spouse I suppose it has finally come to this.

We were going to counselling to work things out...she needed a car...said she could get one..I asked her out of respect for me as her spouse not to go through the guy she had an affair with...and that's exactly what she did. God the anger I had both of them. I'm struggling to let go of that..it's a process and I'll prevail eventually for I don't want to hate. But I put my honest best effort into this marriage for the past 2 years. I've been faithful for the past 9 years. And she has continually lied to me..all along. Yes, she's in recovery and is doing well with that. but I keep finding out things..not because she tells me but because I deduce them (and she confirms it) or someone tells me about them. She has no respect for me. Soon she'll start dating again..because she'll want to and isn't unattractive and is very sexual. I think that will bother me..it shouldn't, but I'll just have to deal with it...jusy be happy with myself and do the best I can by my kids and me. It just sucks right now. I just feel so many things at times...sad because my marriage failed, angry at all the deceit and disresepct and dysfunctions, nervous about eventually dating again, sad for a love unfulfilled. I'm not bitter, but the last thing I want right now is to get wrapped up with another woman. I have enough on my plate. Right now I feel like I'll never get married again. That could change I know, but after having been thru so many years YEARS of misery and abuse I'm gunshy about being beholden to another right now.

May 17, 2006
2:51 am
Avatar
Cinamac
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Glittered

Sorry to hear that it has finally ended, as I remember reading some of your posts in the past and you were trying really hard and giving it your all. But it takes two to tango, so even if you are trying your best, you still need that partner to dance with...and sometimes, even though you are both trying really hard, you just suck and you decide to call it quits. You either never want to dance again, or you take a break or you jump right back into the saddle without missing a beat.

But I can definitley see why in your case you called it quits. And most marriages do not last forever, but I always thought they did so it was a really hard blow to take when I realized my beliefs, despite how hard I tried to make them work, were wrong for me. So I had to rearrange my thinking, my life, my values, my whole world. So I gave myself 5 years to do that without any interferance with relationships.

I have been separated and divorced for three years and it has been great. I learned to say, I'm not dating for now. People are really good about it and say, well just tell me when you are ready. There are a lot of single people out there, and married people can't stand to see two people unattached it seems (lol).

When I separated, there were about six of us others going through the same thing and we supported each other, went to the gym, went for coffee, etc. Three years later, three are in a committed relationship, two are looking sand dating, and me, who is just happy raising me kids on my own, travelling, eating crackers in bed, reading as late as I want, washing my own socks, etc.

Many of us are gunshy after years of torture, and eventually I may throw my hat back in the ring...I say when my youngest graduates. But until then, its ok to be single (even if people ask you out, or have a cool friend, neighbour, colleague, etc.).

When my world crashed, I just waited for the dust to settle. And believe me, I was angry and hurt. But one day at a time, I rebuilt my life, but this time, I'm going to rebuild it to suit me and my kids.

So all the best Glittered. I wish you all the best in the start of your new life. It may be scary and so sad now, but in time, you will see that this step was necessary for your future happiness. Everyday it can get better, followed by every month and every year. You can do it, just like you said. And you have every reason to be sad, as you are mourning your old life. But like a butterfly with new wings, it will feel awkward for awhile, a little cold as your wings are wet, you soon will be flying. Soon you won't even think of that old caccon, or your life as a caterpillar.

Cinamac

May 17, 2006
9:05 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((glittered)))) I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you. Divorce is never easy, and you will have to grieve the loss of your marriage. But, you will move on. This is your opportunity to find what you want in life. To make some real changes for the better. It isn't an ending, it's a beginning. Hang in there, and be strong. You will survive. I wish you peace.

May 17, 2006
9:59 am
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi glittered,
welcome back to aac. i'm sorry.

May 17, 2006
10:16 pm
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cinamac...ready..omw,

Thanks for your kind words. Today was a rough day..not much sleep...up early...4 hour drive (complete w/ argument w/ wife by phone)...gave a presentation...sat through meeting for 4 hours...4 hour drive back home. I feel like I could sleep for a year.

May 17, 2006
11:07 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Glittered :o)

You sound totally tapped out. I don't even know what to say, except that I hope your life becomes better and better, with each passing day. I know that all of these feelings about your past, present and what the future may hold, are overwhelming to say the least. And to top all of that off, your job sounds insufferable. You will get better though, I know you will. You have enough to think about without letting the thoughts of dating seep into your mind. Just concentrate on getting past what you've just been through. It's like you just finished running a marathon that lasted 16 years - take the time that you need to recooperate and recharge, before you start thinking too far into the future. If you were to get involved with anyone at this point, you'd only be torturing yourself (and her) with a crapload of unsettled emotions. Just live and breath right now, and try to wallow in some of the happiness that I know is there - try to recognize and be thankful for the small stuff. Look for your blessings every day - it helps, I swear. As for your ex - rest assured that people like her run out of gas. You may not be there to witness it, but it will happen. You did what you could - which was the most that anyone could ever expect from themselves. Be well, glittered :o).

Love - Shaney

May 18, 2006
4:05 pm
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Shaney.

As for my stbx, I don't wish her ill. I do wish that she'd see that I'm not anywhere near as horridly messed up as she might think.

I'm not interested in a relationship right now, but my libido has always been very healthy. The lack of sex might start to bother me. ah well, I did without for 18 years and it didn't kill me ; )

actually..I like my job. yesterday was an anomaly workwise.

May 18, 2006
4:25 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

glittered...hope you've recovered from your long drive, and are well rested. Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally...you will survive this, and it will make you a much stronger person. Trust me. 🙂

May 18, 2006
4:42 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

glittered,

Hi. I am about to file for divorce after 22 years and 3 kids. My situation sounds like it was different than yours, in that I feel I was mostly at fault. I tried a number of times to get back together with her, but she wasn't interested.

I just spoke with my wife yesterday about terms for divorce. what made it especially hard is that she was so friendly to me and upbeat. She told me she'll always love me and even ended the conversation with "Love you". It would have been easier in respects if she'd have hung up on me.

Well, I hope things work out for the best for you.

Seeker

May 18, 2006
10:21 pm
Avatar
LoCO
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Glittered,
I am also at the point now where I'm asking myself if my 34 yr. marriage is what I want or what I need. There is definitely a difference, but whatever the answer I still feel so damned sad about letting go. I feel like I have so much time invested in this (we've been together since we were 16 YO, now 54, how do you make such an adjustment? It seems impossible, but at the same time I really don't want to be treated like I'm just there, unappreciated and talked down to. My husband is a great guy, but he has no idea how much he makes me feel unloved and second rate. He reminds me of my dad (yes I've told him), verbally abusive and very negative input when he speaks to me. I don't when he became such a know it all-his opinions are so strong and very insensitive-that I just have to walk away. I keep feeling like he is so focused on me because our kids are all on their own now, but I also remember when our boys had the same feelings about how he spoke to them. He's overbearing and very opinionated. It's not right because he has so much to work on himself. He's an alcoholic and addict and I don't understand where he gets off thinking that he has the right to be so judgemental. It's something I often hope will just go away, but I know it won't and I just don't like feeling like this anymore. I don't know what to do, but like I said it's hard being alone and I do love him very much. I know that he needs me and we do care a lot about eachother, but it's really now healthy for either of us to just settle and not work on our issues. I have heard that counseling is the way to go, but he thinks he can work out his own life.

May 19, 2006
1:24 am
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

LoCo,

May peace be yours soon. as for your husband being adverse to couseling...what's to lose by going?

Sure I was a little nervous about my first meeting w/ therapist and then marriage counselor, but I figured..."I wouldn't be here if I didn't help make this mess...what can it hurt?" so i went and was alwasy truthful..I figured :
A. if I lied about something, it won't help me as the therpist might be misdirected.

B. If I lie, the therapist could very well see through it anyway and I'd just feel like a fool.

Sadly, the efforts didn't save my marriage...My wife and I are just ill suited to meet eachothers needs. But I don't regret for a second having tried to work things out via counseling. I have gained some great insights into people's behaviors and my own. In the end, people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. I enourage you to try counseling..I haven't heard of anyone who went to a counselor and was worse for it. They don't give you problems, they help you with awareness and guide you toward healthier avenues.

Just a thought here, perhaps the nest time you sit down with hubby to discuss counseling use the analogy of an engine that is misfiring and needs a tuneup. All you want to do is go to a seasoned marriage mechanic who can walk you through the "how to."

May 19, 2006
9:08 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((glittered))))

May 19, 2006
9:31 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((Glit)))

Welcome back honey!!!! I'm sorry you're going thru tough times. I am going thru trying times as well.

You're in my daily prayers.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

May 20, 2006
1:50 am
Avatar
give to much love
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Divorce is a never a good thing. I know I threw in 16b years because I just wasn't getting my needs met. It took another relationship that only lasted eight months to show me things that I enjoyed that I knew that we would nevr happen in that relationship. My God this person I was rimming her > I was 100% into her sexually . The sheats would be soaked damn.
But guess what she left me for her lover that she was previously in a relationship for eight years. She nevr trusted our inferno. She thought that it would eventually burn. Little does she know that It is still burning,. I tried to go to my ex. But Now I know why I really left. So if you leave it is always for a good reason. Give to the creator and move on Heal first and then hit the trails Life is to short God does not want us to be alone. I wish you well
PEACE AND LOVe

May 21, 2006
11:33 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

glittered...you hanging in there? How's it going? I admire your efforts to save your marriage through counseling, etc. I wish my ex would have taken it seriously and made even a small effort when we tried counseling.

May 31, 2006
12:51 am
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry, I was on a much needed vacation & out of the country for a week. Thanks to all for their continued thought and prayers. Vaca came at a great time..although part of my vaca crew did have a medical emergency, but in the end all was OK.

Things between the stbx and me and pretty good right now. although i did come home today and wow was she in a mood..miserable and snapping...goading me a little..but If I can give myself a pat on the back..I stayed calm and did my best to just listen and be kind w/ words...it worked. It could have gone a lot worse.

I hope things stay this friendly. I get sad at times..worried at others. But do my best to stay upbeat..the vacation was a big help...no cell phones, no TV, just fish, loons, eagles, ospreys, beavers, and great old friends who will always love me.

May 31, 2006
9:01 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

glittered...glad you enjoyed your vacation and returned calm and collected. Your dealings with your STBX took much self-control, and I admire you for your strength. Peace.

June 4, 2006
8:39 pm
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I also took a vacation after my divorce and the hurricane. Spent a week in Florida,ALONE!! stayed in a 4 star hotel,rented a convertible, went to see the Astros at Spring Training, Sea World, and had the time of my life~ Came back calmer, refreshed, and a whole better outlook on life. Took my therapist's advice and "took me out on the town" He said to be good to me and do what I wanted to, so I did!! Glad you had a great trip too..
Maybe that's why my X is coming home?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714214
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer