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*The Charlette*
July 3, 2005
12:49 pm
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DB : )

I am recovering from the worst experience ever. Never want to go back to that place again. I have not been to these boards lately, because I have been unable to do anything. I am feeling alot better; my medications have changed and I am on a double dose.

I hope you are still around. I have missed you..

And I hope things are going well with you..

~love and hugs, charlie~XX

July 3, 2005
3:10 pm
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*The Charlette* LIVES~~~!!!!!!!!

I'll have a Belvadear Martini extra dry please! just kidding, a simple Mai Tai will do.

Charlie!!! I've missed you... What's the medication theyre giving you? I've checked on this web site every day to see if you'd come back, and you did. I was worried that something horrible happened to you. I'm so happy you are okay. Did you finish your book? How are things at the homefront? Is the ex still being childish? Wow we've got a lot to catch up on! When are you going to Paris? I'm going to Cancun Mexico in 5 weeks with my best friend and family! I'm so excited!

I talked to E a week ago on the phone, we were both drunk.. he said "Candice I have a dealemma... I cannot get over you for the life of me. I miss you, and I love you so much. What you do with your life is uncomparable to who I am.... lets move out with each other. I still have a drinking problem... I'm not going to lie about it... What happened with us, why did you go?"
As he is drunk and driving... I say,
"First of all should you even be driving? I love you too, no matter what happened I can't but loving you... lets just let things roll... we'll see what happens. I left you because your drinking was enterferring with our relationship."
Than the next day he took me to see "Bewitched" with Nicole Kidman (which is a great movie you have to see it), and bought me ice cream.. that was last week. And now he's completly guarding himself... and the only way he knows how to do that is by being cold. But, he did call me yesterday on our two year anniverary to tell me he got a kitten and he named her Yoda and asked me how to take care of it. I think its sweet that he wants to take care of an animal, maybe it'll brighten up his dark spirit. God knows I couldnt he's too scared sober, only drunk is when he loves me. I should reserve him a place at the Charlette.. I just love him so much... and I like to break the rules Charlie. I want to do what I want to do.. I want to love him, and him love me. I care about him a lot. My antidepressants arent working as well as they were before I talked to him last week. Tom Cruise is an ass-clown... he's obviously not very educated in the field of psychiatrics. T is still around... I'm being completely honest with him. He's a great friend. I havent been drinking as much... because I've noticed that I get myself into a lot of trouble when I do... My best friend and I explored the coasts of mid california yesterday sober.. shes quiting drinking because she does really crazy things drunk and blacks out... we had a blast yesterday, it goes to show were great friends no matter what. I havent quit I've just slowed down... I figured I better practice what I preach! My mother is driving me insane... I planned a BBQ for our 4th of July holiday and she (last minute) said I couldnt have one! Thanks Mom... now I have to turn all my friends down and tell them to make new plans. Menopause is a bitch! Especially for the people surrounded by the menopausee. Anyway I need to get on with my day... Are you taking Lexapro? I am... it's pretty good. Anyway... glad you are back now we can play air hockey again! Than go swimming.. our relax in our Charlette hot tube! Okay sweet thing... talk to you soon.

Love, DB ~~~~~~~{@ XOXOXO

July 3, 2005
7:17 pm
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I get to have my bbq tomarrow after all! YAY!!!!

July 4, 2005
6:40 am
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DB : )

Happy 4th of July!!!!!

Hope you have a fun BBQ!

It's so good to hear your news..

So much to catch up on! I need to grab a stool and order a Black Russian, and I will be right back for a chat!!

But I have to sleep right now..I can hardly keep my eyes open (and it's mid-morning here..)

Keep my barstool free - I will be back later : )

~love, hugs and kisses, charlie~XXX

July 5, 2005
3:08 am
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DB!!!!!!

Hope you had a really fun time with your friends at your BBQ!! I remember celebrating 4th July when I was working in Philadelphia - never eaten so much potato salad in my life!!!!

Over here, it is not recognised as a Holiday (perhaps the British are trying to forget about it!!!) I am always up for a BBQ though, whatever the celebration!!!!!

I am feeling a little better - trying to adopt the "fake it til you make it" mantra!!! I just feel nervous and jittery all the time, like you do before an exam or something-it's really wierd - I can't seem to 'talk myself round'..

Anyway, to the gossip!! So, E is back in your life. I think what I find so amazing is how much we just don't know about what another is thinking or feeling. Assuming one thing, by trying to read their actions or behaviour, and then discovering a completely different story. This guy has obviously not stopped loving you - and that must feel good! Just go with it..explore the journey with him, always reserving a little bit of 'Candice', so that you are whole no matter what..

We go to France in mid August, taking our Jeep on the Sea Cat to Calais and then driving across to Brittany, where we will be staying in a cottage. Can't wait!!

Cancun - you lucky girl!! You'll have a wonderful time - just down the road from all that Mayan culture...plus beautiful beaches....send me a cyberpostcard won't you!?!!

I still have so much to write, but I have to get the kids ready for school. No milk for cereals... lost socks....oh the joys of motherhood!!!!!

So happy to be back at the Charlette with my fantastic friend DB!!!

Have a brilliant day..

~love charlie~XXXXXXXXX

July 6, 2005
3:18 pm
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Hey ya CHar!

So E is dating some girl right now.... and usually I'd be really jealous, but I'm just letting it ride. I wrote him a song in reply to song he wrote for me when we were together... just to show gratitude for what he has done with his talent for me. I love him soooooooooooooooooooo much..... He's the only one who makes me tick. I slept w- T for the last time 4th of July evening... hopefully. I can't do it anymore. I think E should date this new girl for alittle while... so it'll boost his self esteem.. but hopefully he doesnt fall for her. I'm still in love with him. He's not trying to be a two timer, E is very trustworthy. E & T met eachother at my bbq. It was the worst feeling for me. But, I had nothing to hide... so its alright that it happened. The bbq was soooooooo great! Everyone I invited came... my brother bbq'd and we got along so well... we worked so well as a team. All my friends under one roof has got to be the best feeling ever! I loved every second of it! And at night we went on the roof and watched all of the fire works in the sky and on the streets... I felt like I was in Disney Land. I hope E picks me over the other girl.... he said I'm prettier... which doesnt always matter but it helps. I love him soooooooo much. I love him for his good manners, giving me my space when I need it, understanding me, being my friend, his drive, his talent, his passion to do well, his humble behavior, and his qwarks. He said he needs to cut back on the drinking.... I agreed. I'm not giving up until he flat out pushes me away... My guess is he wont but we'll see. IM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM. I'm always going to follow my heart... not matter what.

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confusious

July 6, 2005
3:28 pm
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I think I'm crazy.... but these events are the events worth living for.... I'M INSANE!

I love it.

Hey.... so how is everything going with you by the way? Better? What triggered the break down if you don't mind me asking?

K... talk to you soon.

LOVE, DB xoxoxoxo

July 7, 2005
6:58 am
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DB

I am the worst mother ever...I have failed my son miserably. I am so distraught, right now, I drove myself to the local shop and got myself a bottle of wine - which I have just opened...

I did read your posts, and I think about you and your situation alot...I just don't think ANYONE should ever listen to what I have got to say - I DON'T KNOW A THING........

July 7, 2005
1:45 pm
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Char what happened to your son? Is he alright... drinking isnt going to help him, if thats what you need to fix. Think about it. Talk to you soon.

July 8, 2005
3:47 pm
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DB

I changed his choices of friends for secondary school, before the letter was sent off. I did it because, I thought it was for the best, that he would not be with a couple of frinds who seem to be leaving him out all the time (even though he thinks they are still 'best friends') He was then going to be on his own in a group of kids from other primary schools. But I have since spoken to the yr 7 teacher and she has told me that it was not my fault and that he is now going to be with one familiar face - and if things get really bad, they can swap at half term.

He is actually alot more relaxed about it. But he was so distraught. I have started having panic attacks again. I did drink, and it didn't help - but it felt good to escape for a few hours.

I just want to be able to do the right thing.

I haven't heard anything about my book yet. I am not hopeful.

So sorry to sound so depressed. I don't want to be dragging any one's spirits down - most of all yours!!

I wish I could be upbeat - but when I am, I am so aware that it is all just one big pretence.

How are things going with the E and T situation?

I am so over my ex, I have gone past even caring..

Will be back again..

~love charlie~XX

July 8, 2005
4:24 pm
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E turned me down. Read Ripped out heart... its the thread I wrote about everything. About to go to the beach with T and two friends... I know I will be fine. I cried so hard yesterday I almost vomited. Then I talked to my best friend Jen and she told me she is so amazed at how smart and strong I am, and that I am so brave for being so honest with my true feelings... I dont have any regrets... I just know now who he is. Someone very conflicted... who has typical addict behavior. He drew me in and then spit me out... ANy way everyone is here so I have to go. I'm glad your sons troubles are eased.... I wish you well .

Love DB
I'm sure theyll love your book!

July 8, 2005
5:08 pm
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DB

Read your other thread..

You poor thing! : ( What a b*****d!

(((((((hugs for you)))))))

He doesn't seem to know his own mind - and if he's not careful, he will regret the way he is treating you for the rest of his life. It sounds like he wants his cake and a whole scoop of ice-cream on top too...

You are in my thoughts...you are such an amazing person...he is the one who will be suffering when he realises what a fool he's been..

Have fun at the beach...then pop back to the Charlette for an icy cold drink and I think I am up for another game..

: )

~love kisses and hugs, charlie~XXXX

July 9, 2005
2:30 pm
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DB

I was going to answer your question about what triggered my nervous breakdown, and I think it was a gradual descent.. I could literally feel myself becoming more and more unstable..like lying down on the kitchen floor in the foetal position...unable to think or move...

I am better now. Today was in fact a good day. I spent some time with my son, and I helped him to move his room round how he wanted it. My daughter had a ballet exam, and my husband and I got on well. I am too fragile to initiate petty arguments, which is what we always used to do (especially at weekends). I didn't work today, so I got a lie-in, and a cup of tea in bed.

I am thinking of you, and hoping that you are okay. It's amazing how things change all the time - perceptions change.

Sending lots of ((((((hugs)))))) your way..

~love, charlie~XXX

July 9, 2005
7:31 pm
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Its strange how good I feel. I feel like everything has ended between us, and for the first time I think I got what I needed to hear... the truth. THe truth is that he cannot be equal to me, by me, and with me. He cannot laugh with me, he cannot joke with me, he cannot be free with me. So I must be free on my own, and amongst friends and family... and whos better to spend my time with then the people who really know me and really love me. A few days ago I relized what I had with E was in fact not true love, but the love that you learn and grow off of... a platform from which to jump beyond.. onto higher ground. I relized how much more mature and open I am compaired to E... Bless my soul and my heart so savage for seeking truth, and that I got. It hurt that day... but I have been fine since. My mother told me how very proud she is of me, and that I have good intentions for myself... I walk to the beat of my own drum and that she admires me. I'm pretty stoked myself, now I know using honesty works... I think I'll keep using it. I kind of wonder if I was just doing all of this like telling him I wanted him and just like he did too, just because he was dating someone else... but I didnt feel too jealous... close to nothing at all when I heard about her. I feel bad for her more than anything after seeing his true colors the other day. I feel so calm about it... Ending chapter for real this time... Good thing because E is not liked very much by really any of my friends or family, just for the way he treats me.
T and I and my two friends had a blast yesterday we played volly ball, soccer, went in the water, rode a bunch of rollar coaster rides, I almost touched a seal in the ocean, ate a corn dog, and pizza, took a bunch of pictures... its was great! My life as I know it is back to normal again. I like it better this way. I like feeling healthy. Anyway I gotta go in a min.

I'm proud of you for getting yourself back up after your break down... The way I see it is that sometimes those need to happen when things get way too bunched together... all yuor stresses, insecurities, pressures... because it lets you know that maybe you cannot take care of all that you are holding onto on your own... and like you did.. go to a therapist to help you settle out little by little the your inner dispuits. I know I couldnt settle mine on my own and I look out ward always to get back on track... its not so much asking others to do it for you, its asking others their perception on who to go about a problem because it might give you another way to handle a tough situation. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm worried my computer might crash on me so I'll write more later.... I'm glad you are still here at The Charlette!!!!

Off to catch myself a nice fresh Mai Tai from our hot topless bartender named Tyler... HE IS DEFINATLY A CATCH! Teeeheheheeee!!!

K....

MUAH! CHEERS! SALUT'!!

Love, DB (((((Charlie)))))

July 9, 2005
7:45 pm
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GEEEEESEE!!! Sorry if you cant understabd the last part its so friggen messy! SORRY!

July 10, 2005
2:09 pm
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DB

Sounds like a near perfect day - volley-ball, corn dogs, seals...you really fill your life with fun - and it's the best medicine!!!

Sounds like T is a great guy. How does he feel about everything that's happened on the E front? It must be a mixed blessing for him, no? Because it sounds like he is in love with you - and wanted you to be able to have the space to sort out where/if things were going with E. But it must have been hard to see you so upset too.

You do deserve to be treated well - always.

E may have a special place in your heart as you go on this life journey, but some things just aren't meant to be - and it does hurt, of course it does...but you sound stronger...and wiser..

Bartender Tyler IS cute isn't he? And that six-pack!! It's hard to concentrate when he reaches over the bar to give change!!

Maybe he has a cute older brother, who will pop in later to announce he's just won the lottery and wants to take us all out in his new Aston Martin...

Have to go now, as I have a mountain of laundry to do....sigh..

But just one last thing...and remember this;

YOU are the best of the best!!! : )

~love charlie~XXX

July 11, 2005
12:59 am
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CHarliE!!!!!!!! HELLOO!

I am so proud of myself! I just started a new thread called "What do you REALLY want? Check it out! Tell me if it make sence a veiw people posted so far...... K now I am going to check out Tyler!

Love ya! DB

OoohohohohohohohhhhhOOO!!!!!! OOOOooo baby! HOTTIE

July 11, 2005
1:33 am
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T knows everything and he has given me the space I need to figure it all out.... He is great... but not my boyfriend yet. I really do not want one right now. But, he is great to hang out with I definalty enjoy his company.

July 11, 2005
2:42 am
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DB

Checked out your thread! Really excellent stuff - you have incredible insight, and are really on the right track...

You are hugely motivating!! Keep it up!

I will check in to the Charlette later for a swim (and a chat) - save me a beach towel!!

Have a WoNdErFuL day!!!!!!!!!

~love and hugs, charlie~XX

July 11, 2005
5:25 pm
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I'm feeling the need to perform!! I need to be in a show..... Its been 7 months I am feeling a bit deprived. I need to unleash my creative side.... I have cabin fever really bad right now.... I'm not even in a dance class. Geeeeeeeeeese Leweeeeeeese! I really hope I'm helping these people out alittle bit on the other thread.... I someday want to be a therapist.. here is were I start! I havent talked to or heard from E in 4 days and frankly I could care less. Wow! How shocking.... life does go on after dating douce bags. 🙂 I really need a hair cut... I feel really lazy today! And its such a nice day....
I'm gonna go get some work done.... Talk to you soon! Oh by the way Tyler is gay! Oh well at least we have a shopping partner now... He said his brother is even cuter and Straight... Well well have to meet him and his friends...

Okay enough of my imaginary play stories...

MUAH!

~~~~~~~~~~~{@ DB

July 12, 2005
3:00 am
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DB!!!!!!

You have a genuine ability to empathise and uplift people - and you will make a fantastic therapist, if that's what you choose to do, but more importantly, you are a person who makes a wonderful caring friend ( and they are sometimes the best "therapists" in the world!!)

Good for you being able to recognise that whether or not E makes contact, it is no longer important. You have so much else to be doing and so many good friends/family to be involved with.I know it's a bumpy ride, and thoughts can still go back to the 'good times' - let them wander there, don't be afraid to peruse through the memories - just linger for a moment or two, then dust yourself off and get back to the present..

What kind of shows do you perform in? It must be amazing to be up there on the stage! I have never had the nerve(!) to do it. My children though, have the gift of confidence, and my son is playing one of the leading roles in the school play. My daughter has incredible rhythm for all kinds of dance. It's such a liberating way of expression. (I usually dance when I have the house to myself, or I have had a drink or it's dark!!)

Anyway, shame about Tyler, but no worries, his brother Ewan has just arrived...he has his back to us...no wait...he's turning round....damn, he has sunglasses on...I can't really see...OMG....could it be..??!!!!!!

Look out for the next instalment of The Charlette...coming soon to a laptop near you!!!!!

: )

Love and hugs,

~charlie~XXXXX

July 12, 2005
12:58 pm
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LOL!!

How funny.... This is just too funny! LOL!... Ewan has blue eyes... oh my oh my oh my!!! My oh my... Is it? I THINK IT IS! 🙂

Charlie I had some funky dreams last night! I had a dream that I was outside a club pretending to be asleep in my car while waiting for my friends so get there and then all of a sudden I get car jacked by two people the guy had a gun...So as they are trying to steal the car I jump out and find my mace & then spray the crap out of the guy and I think I kicked the girl or she just got scared and ran away... I drove off with my friends in the car... then got into a fender bender down in a constrution area right off the freeway. & all I remeber from there is trying to jump out of a window... very stange & very adventurous!

I'm fostering kittens right now until they get to be 2 pounds then my family and I are going to find homes for them. One of them climbed up T and bit his neck! It was soooo funny, because they never do things like that. One of the kittens, the runt, the cutest one I'm calling her Charlie! Sometimes I call her Gizmo because shes so cute and so sweet but mostly because she has really big ears.

I've been acting on the stage since I was about 14 getting small roles then graudually working my way up to bigger and harder roles in High School till my third year I got my first lead role, and then in my Senior year I played Sally Bowles in Cabaret which was a hit and hasnt been forgotten in the community yet. I won best actress my Senior year of High School for my perfomance in that show. It must have been the best day of my lifethe day that happend. Its funny because the first play I auditioned for I didnt get in... but I was determined to be a high school star! Then I went on doing College theater for three years nothing but theater the first 2 years.... thats why my college education is going to last alittle longer than most 🙂 I cant wait to get back into it. My first my at Ohlone College won best theater actress and best film actress... so its not like I was there just to have fun, I was and am very serious about it, but I just needed to focus on school. School is so boring without theater! I'm taking up mass communtication next semester and I'm seriously thinking about just going tback to the theater... but everthing happens for a reason... I may learn a bunch from this experience. I'm wondering though if I am messing with my fate... Who knows.. I cant determine that, and I cannot worry about it either. I'll try it out and if I do not like it than I will go back to my first love... theater. I'll go back to it either way it'll just take time to see where I'm headed!

Any news on your book yet? I'm getting antsy for you... I can not wait!

Anyway Ewan looks like hes getting ready to take a swim I'm going to go disguised and spy!!! 😉

~~~~~~{@ ~~~~~[@ Love, DB

July 12, 2005
1:41 pm
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DB

"PPsst DB!"

"I'm over here!"

"What d'you mean you can't see me?!"

"I'm under the potted palm tree! Staking out the pool! Ewan's just taken off his T-shirt!!!!"

"What is that on your head? Perhaps you took the disguise thing a little too far!!"

"Wait, he's getting ready to dive...hmm...he sure does look familiar!!"

Anyway, back to reality!! Have to pick up car from garage, then make dinner. I was going to put fake tan on later - just hope I don't end up orange with streaks!!!

Will be back later, or in the morning to chat. It was good to hear about your acting acclamations - congratulations!! I bet you are fab!!

Back soon : )

~love charlie~XXX

July 12, 2005
6:17 pm
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So check this out! I get these text messages from E.... First one says

"So its gonna be another 6 months then? If that? Sry 4 that."

so I text with: I have learned what I needed to. Ur apology is uneccisary."

Then he said "Obviously U havent cuz u cant be my friend. What kind of kaka is that?

I said: "Kaka is spelled caca & I am ur friend, but nothing more I can promise- things change everyday"

he said,"K. No more ball busting. Have a nice life. Gotta go to work L8ter."

I said," I can't promise I'll be around in 6 months is what I'm saying, K? Dont be a jerk.

He said, "Nevermind"

YOu are so right he wants his cake and a scoop of ice cream and he wants to eat it too! He's being so lame. I think I handled myself well. I was just being honest. Do you see how reactionary he could be.... Wow! It feels good to be in control of my OWN life.

Just thought I'd said that with you....

July 13, 2005
2:19 am
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DB

Wow! If you change the words around a little, these sound EXACTLY like the sort of texts that my ex and I used to send to eachother when things when each wanted to hurt the other because of the exasperating situation we found ourselves in.

Can't live with you; can't live without you ,kind of thing..

I can still remember most of them - and there were hundreds!!!

The response to your "....I am your friend...", got ".....have a nice life....", back from him.

That sort of reply screams of 'I want a huge reaction from this person that I am obsessed with'

Sounds like he will never get over you - there must be some solace in that..

I know you want to get on with your life and try to make this guy see how much worth you have - I don't think you need to spend another second wondering.....he knows your worth, and it's driving him insane!!

Be confident that for each word he wrote in his stupid texts, he meant another word...and I think we all know what it is...

Stay strong..

~love, charlie~XX

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