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the afghan sisterhood walk to recovery
November 4, 2006
2:49 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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And really, I don't care how stupid this all sounds....it is very real, and my pain is very deep, and I am a very SICK individual........completely f*cked up to be quite frank..

November 4, 2006
2:49 pm
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needtoheal
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hey girls..i'm back..2:40 EST..LOL

I am ready for the funny farm too!!!

Right now...

GG-- thanks for the information about paltalk.. I really have to check it out.. Wanted to go there last night but I was having a problem with the computer... Felt so lost... but I did manage to make it through the night.. walked Mandy , took a sleeping pill and went to bed...

What I meant about being bored when I posted earlier, is with My ADD-- when I am bored it seems that I can get impulsive or even compulsive and want to talk to the boyfriend (ex-b/f) I did manage no contact for a week... and now it has been a week that I have talked to him and I feel like crap... but I know the stages of grief and a loss is a loss no matter what he represented to me and I got that figured out with the help of Ma Strong who pointed out the truth -- not what I feel or need-- but the truth.. and that I do have choices 1-to stay and put up with it and feel more miserable (like I have chosen to do) or 2--get out now.. slam the door shut and grieve and move on because this man is not going to change.. he actually insulted me (many times) but the most recent was telling me that he does not want to have any type of relationship with me at all but he will talk to me.. ANyway, just got back from a walk with my mom and the boys are playing upstairs...

thanks for reading and listening

MIch-- I know that you love me and I love you too.. I know that all of us sisters are going through some difficult times right now..

we are all here for each other and I am glad because when I was not able to get on the computer last night I felt so bad that I could not be here-- united in sisterhood.

I do not have a sister.. only a brother that is much older than me..

November 4, 2006
2:51 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, it is okay, yes, it is about both of us, and yes, I don't like to deal with me...i just want to help others and stuff my issues in my gg's crap closet...can we just deal with your urgent stuff today, I will learn from it...LL, help me here, please!!!

November 4, 2006
2:56 pm
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ggfred4
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where did you all go?

November 4, 2006
2:56 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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When was the lsat time gg?

November 4, 2006
2:58 pm
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ggfred4
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wait a minute sister, you are demanding answers from me, but I can't get crap out of you...is that fair? I will tell all, if you tell all, no more scared to talk or hurt our feelings, what do you have to say about that?

November 4, 2006
2:59 pm
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ggfred4
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damn LL, stay with us here, short messages will suffice,,,

November 4, 2006
2:59 pm
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lovinglife
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MIch~ while you two are thinking or typing ...I'm going to start writing out some thoughts Mich about what thoughts were going through my mind regarding your mother- and like I said above nothing of them were bad. Because last week was so crazy in my personal life I couldn't get back there and get my thoughts out...I hope that I didn't in any way leave the impression that after I basically came across as blaming your husband and perhaps sounding in some way to be dissing him, it would make sense that if you thought I'd start attacking your mother. I am really trying to get better at writing...and part of that is knowing when I should be writing something and when I shouldn't. Though I meant the words of what I said,.... because of the stress my ex had me under it may have came out as I was taking it out on your husband...don't know, not sure, but if that is the case, I should have at least left with some thoughts of kinda were I was going with thoughts about mother were....

November 4, 2006
3:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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All I hear in my head LL, is her saying that i must have liked it or lied about it. DO you have any idea how much that hurts me? She was in the f*cking room...She knew it was going on...At what age do you really think that I "liked" being raped by a man who was 300 pounds? Seriously...I give up.

gg, yes, I want answers and I will tell you whatever you want to know

November 4, 2006
3:02 pm
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ggfred4
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sorry, LL, panic, when you disappear, depend on you too much...

November 4, 2006
3:05 pm
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needtoheal
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GG-- are you afraid to open up more because you don't want to put any ideas into Mich's head, right?

November 4, 2006
3:05 pm
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ggfred4
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okay, mich and LL, gonna open up and be honest...hope you all will too and maybe we can come together and help one another...mich, if I do this, you better talk and you better say it all!!!

who is going to hold me when the tears and shaking start???

November 4, 2006
3:07 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Spit it out sister...I am ALWAYS holdng you ALWAYS.

November 4, 2006
3:07 pm
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lovinglife
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and just when I get up and get to the computer and start the thoughts rolling...NOW the ex's son and the son's mom are here- I am so sick of this shit, I can't even have my own life, my own thoughts...

Ok I just have to ramble here girls and I hope this makes sense...

Mich~ It is very apparent that your are hurt from what appears to be lack of concern and parenting coming from your mother. First question have you and your mother ever talked about what happend?

One of my thoughts that run through my mind is something Ma Strong and I have talked about before ....now though we were not talking about either of our parents but about someone we loved that didn't love us in return the pain and the need is still the same....perhpas varying on the level of intensity put the same void is there...

When we don't get the love or really that much needed validation from the one person we need it the most, it does something to our heads--- it's a desparate need within us to know that we are ok, that we are lovable, to be notice for the wonderful qualites others see in us (and mother f*ck he just came up to me and starting talking and I lost my train of thought)... be right back....

November 4, 2006
3:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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My mother won't talk about it, because it is all in my head. I just want to be loved. Someone to hold me and let me be me. She knows what happened LL, she was there...

November 4, 2006
3:09 pm
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ggfred4
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need, yes, i am afraid because i do not want to put ideas in mich's head and I guess i don't want to deal with it because i don't know how...

SO GIRLS, WHAT SHOULD WE DO HERE...I AM AT A LOSS NOW...

November 4, 2006
3:12 pm
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ggfred4
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need and mich now, what do we do here? please advise...

November 4, 2006
3:14 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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SPIT IT OUT GG

November 4, 2006
3:14 pm
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lovinglife
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And you know why he interrupted me…to show me a flipping book he bought about staying sober…just more of the mind games… “See how serious I am about this….” Want to shove it up his ass because a year from now or whenever after I have allowed him to take just that much more time from me, he’ll be back to drinking. Girls I tell you what if I get this man out of my life in the next say 30 days or so…it is going to be because of you two…He has robbed me of everything and he is not going to take you two away from me…

What was I???

November 4, 2006
3:14 pm
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ggfred4
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Mich, i will remember that phrase and will use it on you, just you remember that okay???

November 4, 2006
3:16 pm
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ggfred4
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LL, that was the nicest thing to say...you made me feel special

November 4, 2006
3:18 pm
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lovinglife
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ok Mich I am going to hold up here with thoughts about your mother...just for a moment though. If GG talks about what is going on with her it will give me some time to shake of the ex (that is literally what I have to do- regroup in the head)... however this is soemthing I really want to talk about...(of course only if you do)..

Ok I am going to post this then just shut my mouth and listen to your twin...

November 4, 2006
3:20 pm
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ggfred4
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wait a minute here,,,mich, how did things get turned around....are you avoiding your issues here, by wanting me to talk...answer that?

November 4, 2006
3:21 pm
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lovinglife
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that what was I was suppose to be where was I, or maybe I did type it correctly

What was I before he entered my life... a human being...ok I'll shush now. And Mich if we don't get to get into a good convo about mom today...you just hold on til monday morning as to when I know I will not be interuppted....or maybe even tommorrow night.

Ok LL is being quiet now..

November 4, 2006
3:22 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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It didn't get turned around gg, I need to know that I am not alone...it makes it easier for me to talk, comfortably...I am not avoiding my issues, I am fighting urges...PLEASE talk to me

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