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The abused becomes the abuser
May 25, 2005
3:01 pm
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Anonymous
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I spoke with my therpist today, and I realized that the way I treat the new guy is the same way that Mr. Jack treated me. I do the same things to him, maybe toned down a notch but basically the same thing.

I don't know HOW to stop thinking the way I am.

I have become an abuser in some sense, and he LET'S me be mean to him. I do it and he lets me. He is how I was with Mr. Jack

May 25, 2005
4:03 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Okay Aces,

Mind you, I am not a psychotherapist...If following this advice helps you then you only have yourself to blame.

Like I said, I find it very unlikely that you are an "abuser" with a capital "A." If you were you wouldn't give a hoot.

So I recommend that you take a three pronged approach here.

1) Cognitive:

Lay out what you consider to be your unhealthy models of relationship and compare those models to the ones abusers use: namely disrespect, entitlement and manipulativeness.

Also describe what a healthy model of relationship is.

Think about the ways Mr. Jack mistreated you and think about the difference between his behavior and that of a healthy, nonabusive person.

Let yourself choose between the two models.

2) Behavioral:

Learn what constitutes, selfish, disrespectful,manipulative, abusive behavior. Then refrain from that kind of behavior whether you feel like it or not. "Pretend" your way into a healthier style of relating.

3) Emotional:

Let your self really get in touch with your feelings about Mr. Jack and how his mistreatment of you impacted you. Let yourself express those feelings. Punch a heavy bag. Chop wood. Vent. Rage. Cry. Scream your head off.

Let yourself feel with, feel "compassion" for your new friend. Let yourself feel and care about his feelings and how your behavior impacts him.

Finally, try to feel compassion for yourself. You really have been through hell.

May 25, 2005
4:04 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Oops, I almost forgot in the cognitive step. You have to describe and understand for yourself what healthy models of relationship are like, so you have something to compare with abusive models.

May 25, 2005
4:07 pm
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codep
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I agree, I dont think your an abuser aces, I think that you are just wounded from the past and you need to heal before you can become the best person you can be for this "new guy" you actually "care" about his feelings and what you are doing to him. you just need time to heal.

May 25, 2005
4:48 pm
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Anonymous
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Worried Dad, thank you. I guess because I am see myself holding things back from him, not answering questions, like Mr. Jack use to do to me, pushing him, getting reactions from him, sometimes, although I am joking calling him names.

but there is a part of me that does NOT want him to get hurt. He is a good guy.

I may not beexactly like jack, but I certainly hold way too much anger to be healthy with someone.

I will try the anger releasing and see if it works.

May 25, 2005
6:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Codep- I think you are right, I do need to give myself more time.

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