Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
The "Absolutely No Contact" Club
July 21, 2005
12:54 pm
Avatar
frayedknot
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
176sp_Permalink sp_Print

TC

Are you doing any better????

Sounds like you were hit with a big wave this morning. You have lots of little "floaties" out here to help you keep your head above water. We're all thinking about you this morning/afternoon...

Frayed

July 21, 2005
1:57 pm
Avatar
turnabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
177sp_Permalink sp_Print

KC -- Offering unsolicited advice with the intention of being helpful is open, healthy communication. It only turns codependent if you become upset that it isn't followed ... if you are depending on them to adhere to it. And you give great advice, btw.

Hope-- you made me laugh! "...if I ever get another date in my life" --b/c that's the way I feel right now. That's not a complaint, b/c I'm really wanting a break right now. But b/c of all the reasons I need a break, dating again seems like planning a vacation in the distant future. It's fun to imagine, but there's a little disbelief I'll ever get there even though it's marked on the calendar.

TC, 2b, Frayed -- If only lunch breaks weren't so short. I have too much to say and not enough time. I'll talk to you guys later.

July 21, 2005
1:59 pm
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
178sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hey Turnabout
"It only turns codependent if you become upset that it isn't followed "

Thank you so very much! That makes sense to me...

kc

July 21, 2005
3:31 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests
179sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hi Frayed,

Thanks for thinking of me. It means the world to me. I actually went to the mall with my daughter for a few hours. We had a bunch of birthday presents to get for some of her friends. The weekend is full of 7 year old parties! The Disney store was having a huge sale, so I got everything I needed without breaking the bank... So, that was good.

I also did something that everyone has been warning me against... Yes, THE DREADED SUITCASE rears it's ugly head again. I needed to be rid of it. I didn't want any excuse for future contact to be lurking in my closet. I didn't want to be feeling good one day and then BAM, have the phone ring and have him asking for his bag back! My feelings would get all stirred up again and I'd need to start all over!!!! I needed to be done with it and move on.

I dropped it off when I knew he was not at home. I left a note... Thanking him for letting me borrow the suitcase and asking him to please not call, text or contact me in any way. I signed it, Goodbye and Good luck. T-

I know that probably puts me back to day 1 of no contact... but it's done now. No more ties (well, no more tangible ties anyway)... The emotional ones are a different story and those will have to fade with time.

July 21, 2005
3:40 pm
Avatar
Just Lost
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
180sp_Permalink sp_Print

I, too, am dreading the loss of 2b and Frayed if they decide to leave here. But I know that in leaving there is probably a huge sense of success and forward movement. I can't blame them if they decide to go but it is still tough when they have been the light in the darkness for many of us. Someone is going to have to pick up the torch.

Frayed, hopefully one day our paths will cross in this big city. We can have a glass of wine at The Grape and share our stories.

July 21, 2005
3:43 pm
Avatar
frayedknot
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
181sp_Permalink sp_Print

TC

That's exactly what I suggested you do with the suitcase. Leave it with a thank you at most. And do it while he's not home. One warning... You have challenged him by asking that he not call, text, etc. I know how I think and you may think differently. Are you (consciously or sub consciously) hoping that challenge to not call, etc will make him call? ie... reverse psychology? Just don't let those thoughts creep in. Don't take his calls etc.. You made it clear to him what you want so you aren't obligated to communicate with him (this goes against your kind nature).

Arrange to go see a funny movie or do something just for you this weekend if you can.. I heard the Wedding Crashers is hilarious..

I'm not judge and jury... but, I don't consider it contact..... just returning his suitcase and leaving him a note. You get a pass from me.. If you're a golfer, that's a mulligan. Doesn't count. You only get one......

Frayed

July 21, 2005
3:52 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests
182sp_Permalink sp_Print

If I am completely honest with you (and myself)... sure, I'm hoping that he will challenge my NO CONTACT request, but I do not plan on talking to him. If he calls, I will not answer. In TC's perfect world, it will end like this... I drop off the bag with a note telling him NOT to call me. His ego is bruised and he is wondering why I don't want to hear from him anymore. He calls, assuming that I WANT him to... but I don't answer... he calls incessantly for a few days and then gives up. It ends that way...

Then, I'll feel better about myself because I made the call for NO CONTACT, not him. I guess it's really about MY ego being bruised, isn't it?

Unfortunately, the opposite is probably going to happen... he will respect my decision and walk away. Which will hurt like hell, but can I possibly be any more hurt than I am already? God, I hope not!!! I will move forward regardless of what he decides to do. It would just be nicer to feel a little bit of control over the situation... Make sense?

TC

July 21, 2005
3:56 pm
Avatar
Just Lost
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
183sp_Permalink sp_Print

anyone have a comment on this: yesterday when I spoke to my wife, she reiterated all the same BS that she is done with us and she has moved on. Of course, this was right I discovered that she had stayed with the other man again and some of our property she took from our house is now being used in his place. Then she proceeded to yell at me about how she feels like all she has lived her life for was to make everyone else happy including me.

So, five hours later, I send her an email telling her that I am sorry for the entire conversation because it did nothing positive for either of us. I said that she would receive no more grief about it from me.

As soon as I sent it, the phone rings. She is now saying she is sorry for yelling at me earlier and that its all because she is so mad at her mother. She said that after being told how stupid she was for three days, she had to leave the house so she picked 'his' place. I told her it really didn't matter anymore because all we were doing was waiting for the judge's signature. I have always ended very serious relationships with a closure letter. It has helped me to move on. I told her I would have hers done in a few days. What does she say? She tells me that she's not ready to get a letter like that from me. She tells me she's not totally ready for me to be gone from her life. Then she tells me she wants me to be there as her friend. Now how am I supposed to react to that?

July 21, 2005
4:00 pm
Avatar
SexySadie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
184sp_Permalink sp_Print

Yes it makes sense...but why is it this No Contact thing makes me feel like some of us are playing a game with it. I admit that I feel that I am. I am in NC for 48 hours now. I feel a pain in my heart because we finally were getting our lines of communication open between us and talking for the first time in 4wks and then I decided I should shut it off after reading all about it here. I think it was a mistake...if your goal is to get back together and realize your mistakes, what good is NC? If they think you have moved on, then won't they? Sorry, I just am trying to understand this. I've decided that I'm not going to stop my Thursday night tournaments because of him. I was going to as part of the NC...but why should I stop my one pleasure that I have. Yes they will both be there...but why should I let them again, win this game. Because it seems like it's all a game. If I don't go, then they won because poor little Lisa has given up and is staying home pouting and crying her eyes out. I showed them over the weekend that I wasn't like that...why give in now?

I dunno ya'll...thank goodness I am seeing my therapist tomorrow at 5pm. That's all I can say!! I bet ya'll are thinking the same thing too!!

July 21, 2005
4:03 pm
Avatar
frayedknot
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
185sp_Permalink sp_Print

TC

You understand my question completely..... :o)

I don't want you to be disappointed if the third paragraph is the outcome. Expect and hope for the third paragraph. Make that TC's perfect world answer. If paragraph 3 is the outcome, you have taken control over the situation. You have made this decision and it's what YOU want for YOU. If paragraph one happens, your defenses may not be strong enough yet. I know it might hurt you in the short run, TC.. But for the long run, I'm hoping for paragraph 3. 2B and I have been waiting for #1 for a long time now. Not getting it and instead getting #3 has helped us a lot....

I'm leaving work... will check back later tonight..

Frayed

July 21, 2005
4:15 pm
Avatar
2bstrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
186sp_Permalink sp_Print

Just Lost: I haven't had a lot of time to post this afternoon:

Both of you are having a hard time with disconnecting, that is obvious. I think a closure letter is a good ritual, I feel that she is trying to control you by telling you that she is not ready for that now.

HELLO. SHE IS WITH ANOTHER MAN.

You should do whatever you feel that you need to do to move on.

I will be right back. I'm going to find a post from a little while back that addresses the notion of being FRIENDS.--2b

July 21, 2005
4:18 pm
Avatar
2bstrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
187sp_Permalink sp_Print

This was originally posted by exotic flower about a month and a half ago. I found it very difficult to read, but very realistic.

Letting Go of Harmful Relationships

Set and keep firm limits.

First of all, let’s dispense with the notion of immediate "friendship." If you’ve been struggling with a destructive relationship, then you’re going to need more distance than that. Friendship is possible when both parties have fairly good emotional boundaries around what’s private and not common ground. Coming from a destructive relationship, those boundaries are going to need time to be regenerated. If you’re going to "separate", the harder task is to separate emotionally, not just physically. Casual leisure contact sends your unconscious the misguided message that the relationship will continue as usual. It will prevent you from getting on with the painful but necessary business of grieving over the losses. If you try to keep casual company with each other, you probably will begin to suffer "strategic amnesia" or another form of creeping denial regarding the reasons for the separation in the first place.

Another important reason for avoiding casual contact is that you probably will be very vulnerable to misplaced empathy. One of the biggest hooks back into a destructive relationship is the exquisite sense of guilt you can feel for causing the other person pain. If you try to turn your relationship into a friendship, you will be placing yourself in the immediate vicinity of the other person’s anguish. Your old pattern may have been to try to placate such feelings. Just because you’ve decided to terminate your romance doesn’t mean those buttons aren’t easy to push again. You just may not be that good at ignoring another person’s pain, especially when it seems that you could resolve it so easily.

So how long do you wait before planning friendly company with the other person? Maybe years. Maybe forever. Certainly a long, long time.

SHARE YOUR GRIEF WITH OTHERS

If you have stayed in a destructive relationship for any length of time, chances are there was something positive that kept you there. It may have only been hopes and dreams arising from early days in the relationship. It may have been something as simple as a sense of belonging. It will help you to be honest about what you’re losing. Many people think they have to focus only on the negative aspects of the relationship in order to keep their resolve. Actually, this strategy can backfire. By trying to convince yourself that the relationship only had negative aspects, you may actually be more likely to change your mind later on. By accepting that there are some positives that you will miss, your decision to separate will be more integrated and therefore more stable. Your decision will not be undone just because some of the positives have slipped back into your awareness.

A very powerful (but relatively known) truth is that IT CAN BE OK TO FEEL LOVE FOR SOMEONE WHILE YOU LEAVE HIM OR HER. Love does not conquer all but neither does hate. Your better strategy is to accept that you are a cornucopia of love, hate, and numerous other feelings about your relationship. Hopefully, your decision to separate was not just based on your feelings but also what you judged was the best way to take care of your self. If so, you probably will have some feelings of sadness and grief for the lost positives including love.

With who do you share? Certainly not with the person from whom you are separating. It would be a paradox to try to separate and yet allow yourselves to get emotionally closer by helping each other to grieve. Similarly, some friends may be too closely involved with the other person for you to keep separate in your unconscious. You are best off with safe, intimate friends who can help give you permission to grieve for the positive aspects of what that relationship gave you, even while it was hurting you terribly. In other words, your confidants will need to be mature and wise. If you don’t have any friends who meet these qualifications, then consider a therap

July 21, 2005
4:27 pm
Avatar
2bstrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
188sp_Permalink sp_Print

TC--Glad to hear that the suitcase is history. I hope that you will get some peace of mind knowing that you are free! Free of engaging in anymore game playing, which will lead to heartache and let downs.

July 21, 2005
4:37 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests
189sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hello,

OK... The suitcase issue has been put to rest... He has it now, I don't have anything that belongs to him anymore and Bonus: He called at 4:15 this afternoon after I told him NOT to contact me. I did not answer the phone and do not intend to. No message was left so that probably means that he plans on trying again later.

Sad, but I feel so relieved. Even though I have no intention of talking to him, it feels good to be the one doing the ignoring. I feel so shallow saying that and feel like I am playing a game, but it's NOT a game to me. Honestly, it's not. I know it is so wrong to feel this way and I KNOW that I am letting him control my emotions, but I need to be honest with myself and say that it gives me comfort knowing that he is left out in the cold, not me.

Geez, that sounds so mean.

July 21, 2005
4:50 pm
Avatar
2bstrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
190sp_Permalink sp_Print

TC--I'm proud of you for not answering the phone--I'll bet that was so hard! I doubt if I would have been able to do that.

I know that I have allowed my ex to have so much power over me. Anything he said I believed was the "gospel according to P__." I was so out of touch with my own thoughts and emotions I literally didn't know what to do. My thoughts and jounaling were confusing, and I just couldn't get a grip on anything. All I could think about for weeks was what he used to say to me, things he did, etc. I was programmed. It has taken me all of these almost 8 weeks of no contact to stop play the tapes of him in my head.

And when I began to feel my own feelings--I was scared to death. I hated myself--it didn't seem right--I couldn't possibly be worth anything because ex said I was this... I gave it all to him. It was sick. I was sick.

The only thing that got me out of it was not contacting him. I got out of the game. And I tested myself with the box of stuff that is still sitting in my living room. I asked everyone I knew: Should I call him again? I turned the words around to make it look like my motives were different...I just want to say I'm sorry, etc. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON SAID CALL.

My 84 year old friend, Bill tells me every week, Don't do it. He doesn't deserve it. I believe him now.

Hang in,TC. Keep posting here.

Love you, friend. 2b

July 22, 2005
12:52 am
Avatar
turnabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
191sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hey TC -- I'm glad the suitcase is out of the picture,... no longer taunting you as an excuse to contact him. On the other hand...

... it was used as an excuse to contact him - to leave him a note; to tell him not to contact you. In other words, to get the upper hand. (I believe I remember you were bemoaning your weakness in calling him while drunk on your vacation? Made you feel pretty powerless didn't it? He said he knew you'd call, and you did. Made you feel like you needed to prove you don't need him.)

But you already had the upper hand. You're on your way to true self-awareness. You had decided to cut him out of your life. Do you really have to tell him that decision to make it real? Do you not carry the authority to make that decision all on your own? The only one who needs convincing is yourself.

You don't feel in control, so you did something to get back that feeling. Remember a while back when you felt good after a contact with him, and kc said to anticipate a crash? Anticipate another crash, sweetie. It's going to feel good until he doesn't respond the way you expect him to. Or even if he does, when he stops. Your feeling of having the upper hand will wane and the 'crash' returns.

TC, you are so dear, and, knowing I've made all these mistakes and then some - knowing their outcomes, I hate to see you subject yourself to more pain. In the big scheme of things, the suitcase is no big deal, so it isn't worth thinking about. But the attempt to prove to him that you don't need him (i.e. the note) is really about needing to prove it to yourself.

July 22, 2005
1:49 am
Avatar
turnabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
192sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hi guys,
3 weeks of no contact - 3 weeks since the 'click'. It hasn't been bad at all. It doesn't even seem like 3 weeks b/c I haven't missed him. In another way, it seems like a lot longer ... b/c I haven't missed him. (Was is only 3wks ago? Huh! Who knew?)

Well, tomorrow night a favorite band comes into town... the same favorite band that came to town a month ago.. the night I confronted his gf. I'll be out with friends... the same group of friends, I imagine. So, of course, there is the possibility of running into them again.

Honestly, I feel so changed that it doesn't really worry me. I'm going to see a band I like; I'm not concentrating on him. But the possibility of seeing him gives me a little twinge of anxiety b/c I have let myself down on so many previous encounters. On every occasion I had been expecting something from him, though... some sort of acknowledgement or sensitivity. I don't anymore. I think seeing him will cause an emotional ripple, but only a slight one.

Funny me, though. Not only do I feel a little anxious about possibly seeing him, I'm anxious about being let down by not seeing him after feeling this anticipation.

Hmmm... yep, there it is... the denial. When I feel any little fear of him not being there, it's b/c I secretly want to show him how strong I am and that I don't need him. In our last conversation, he told me I needed to "move on," so I naturally want to show him that he was wrong in thinking I hadn't. See, gotta take my own advice to TC.

I want to live my life and do my own thing, but I don't want to look at these run-ins with him as chances to communicate anything.

I'm repeating to myself, "I don't care what he thinks. I don't care what he thinks."

Isn't it amazing how often we'll say that about someone, but the very act of saying it is a way of trying to best them, as an attempt to control how they perceive us. How different it is when you really mean it!

I can only control my own perceptions. I choose to acknowledge my fortitude for myself. I choose to validate for myself all my attempts at renewing respect between us. I choose,/i> to acknowledge that the only one who needs to "see" the truth about me is me. I choose to acknowledge that I'm only repsonsible for me; His incorrect perceptions, distortions, and outright lies are his business. AND I DON'T WANT ANY OF HIS BUSINESS ANYMORE!!! Not in my life, not in my head,...not anywhere.

Whew! Okay. I know I'll be fine, but just wanted to get that out there. I'll welcome any of you guys trying to drill it into my head.

He really is too weak a man for me to care how he perceives me. I don't want to waste my time. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

July 22, 2005
2:17 pm
Avatar
2bstrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
193sp_Permalink sp_Print

Turnabout: You are so in touch with your feelings.You ARE going to be fine. You are evolving before our very eyes! He has no power over you, no say over you, nothing to do with you! It's all about you, yourself, and you!

EVERYONE: I was at the bookstore last night and this booked leaped off of the shelf at me! I didn't buy it, but I am going back tonight to pick it up. The title is:

DON'T CALL THAT MAN!

It's a book about no contact. It was very practical. I'm buying to put on my dresser so that the first thing I see in the morning is the title of the book. Yeah! No Contact is good!

July 22, 2005
3:55 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests
194sp_Permalink sp_Print

Oh Turnabout!

You are so wise!!! I knew why I left him the note. I didn't want him to call me, but I ALSO wanted him to know that I didn't want him to call me!!!!! You are 100% correct. I won't even try to deny it. I didn't want him to gain any pleasure in thinking that I was pining for him, waiting for the phone to ring. I wanted him to know that I was done playing his game by his rules! I was picking up MY ball and going home this time!!! Game over.

I know it was a bit manipulative, but I needed to do it. I felt that I had lost control of myself and I needed to get it back. Did I go about it the right way? Probably not, but it's over. Period. Lesson learned.

Now, about you!!!! Tonight is the night! Ugh!!! Warning, warning... STAY OUT OF THE LADIES ROOM!!!! Don't drink a drop of liquid and if you do, cross your legs and HOLD IT until you get home tonight!!!! You do not want to run into HER again!!! Nothing good could come of that!!!!!

I know how you feel about the anxiety of seeing him vs. not seeing him. It's a mixed bag of emotions, Isn't it? You want to flaunt your new found independence and strength in front of him so that he can SEE that you are A-OK! But, if he does not seem to notice, it is a real let-down. Even more of a let-down will be if you let him and his new girlfriend bait you into saying/doing something that you will regret.

Be strong!!! Don't take any bait from them! You are in control, my friend!!!!

I'll be thinking of you!!!!!!

((((((((TC)))))))))))))

July 22, 2005
6:54 pm
Avatar
turnabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
195sp_Permalink sp_Print

I'm working on not giving it any consideration whether they're there... even if I see them there. I'm working on disinterest.

I had a realization on the way home. B4 the confrontation with the gf, I had re-established friendly contact with him, albeit rather one-sided. He responded to me with nothing but courtesy and good will, but I became frustrated that while acting interested in making amends, he invested no more effort than dutifully responding to my e-mails. I had given up on it by the time I saw them a month ago, but the frustration remained, spurring the old familiar feelings of bitterness that caused me to confront the gf. In my last conversation with him a week later, I expressed my frustration directly, to which he responded that he had thought we might be friends on a casual level but now doubted it was possible. Later, he chastized me for speaking with her saying, "that last bit of business was no good, possibly a turning point."

(Here's where the realization comes in. Sorry, I had to give some background.) I admit I've been beating myself up a bit for talking to her. I've tried downplaying it by acknowledging how respectful I was to her, even when she goaded me with assertions that everyone says I'm "crazy." I never raised my voice to her and was explicit that I had no problem with her, but him alone. I was even respectful in speaking about him, meaning I called him no names and spoke only the facts w/ bits of my perspective. Still, it's obvious I wanted to get under her skin, and no amount of good behaviour can undo that motivation.

(Okay. Here it comes...) At the same time, I couldn't understand how what I did was so bad. SHE didn't walk away crying; I did. Then, today, I got it. It was an excuse to make me the bad guy again. He needed an excuse to cut me off, b/c doing so when I was perfectly friendly and agreeable would have made HIM the bad guy. That's an inconceivable thought (for him).

This realization is pivotal b/c through it I acknowledge that I'm not responsible for his reactions!!! He saw what he wanted to see out of that situation (just like all situations)... that I'm unable to get over him (Hahahah!) or deal with him fairly (HAHAHAHA!!!). (Lord, my side hurts! Whew!) I've been taking responsibility for doing something stupid not only to myself, but to them ... like I created how they see me now. But that's not true. I contributed maybe, but I didn't not create that.

Soooo, all of that means that speaking to her in the restroom may have been misguided, but it does not mean they have the upper hand!!! None of that has to bother me if I CHOOSE for it to not bother me. I am not stuck in a single moment, and I am not doomed to repeat it. I am ME, pure and simple. (Or, perhaps not so pure, and not so simple. Heh-heh.) And now that I choose my own perspective on the event rather than his, I can let go of this worry that all my friends think me a fool and may avoid going out b/c of what happened "last time." They can choose their own perspectives, too, that is, if they give it even a second's consideration, which I doubt. And even if they adopt his, it just means they're drones, and who has time to worry about what drones think. LOL

Okay. I think I can go have fun now. (It's tonight, btw. I posted just b4 midnight, my time, but apparently AFTER midnight, board's time.) Gotta go get my flirt on!!

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
47 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109420

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

VasyunyaDazy, Jrsamples, theodorkVar, veruhaDazy, maksyushaDazy, stopprofi

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer