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The "Absolutely No Contact" Club
July 20, 2005
11:22 am
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2bstrong
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F R A Y E D!

I laughed so loudly--

"I feel like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!!!!!!!!"

I am in the same boat...trying to keep it from sinking...

Missed the game last night--will look at the photos of your cousin asap...Last night was a visit with the counselor. Hope to post later on how I am feeling today--just a little bit down--but nothing I can't come out of by flirting my brains out at the gym later...

Do you know how much I'd love to join your group tonight? What time will you be there? I'll call and ask for FrayedKnot...hee hee hee...

Almost have everything ready on the home pc. Hopefully by early next week.

How are you this morning? How was your evening, and how did your daughter do on her driving test the other day...

30 more days till Sunshine Fiesta...

July 20, 2005
11:51 am
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KC,

I love you and the Dog/Cat analysis. Believe it or not, THAT worked! I actually felt my heart stop racing as I read it and a smile came to my lips (involuntarily)!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how clearly that made me see things. You're right. I don't want a cat... so why do I care if he doesn't call me? I don't want him! He can go meow at someone elses kitty litter!! OK... how manic am I? Now I feel relieved. Stand by... a wave of sadness can't be too far behind!!! Ugh!! I'm a freak!

On a separate note... I don't think I've ever mentioned my ex-husband to anyone. We were married for 10 years, together for 13 years, have two children and it's funny that I've never chosen to mention ONE thing about him. Isn't that interesting??? I have THAT much history with him and only one tenth of that with the ex bf, yet I continue to drone on and on about him.... anyway, back to the reason I mention the exh now... We work in the same office. He works 3 cubicles down from me (isn't that cozy?). I know it sounds wierd, but we are actually very good friends now. So good, that I fixed him up with a friend of mine a couple of months ago (it didn't work out, but I hoped it would). Anyway...

It is a fairly large company and there is an Engineer in another department who has been flirting with me over the past month or so. He's attractive, bright, funny and single. Soooo... just within the past week or so, he's been stopping by my desk for lame reasons (obviously he just wants to see me). We chat and laugh, etc. He even e-mailed me yesterday and asked if I was hanging out by the pool, he'd come join me. So, I'm pretty sure he's interested in me...

In comes the exh... he noticed the flirting going on and he said that it would make him extremely uncomfortable if I were to start dating this guy. I told him that I would not date him, because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had. (He was very upset over the divorce... I was a bit cold about the whole thing because I had emotional divorced him probably 5 years into the marriage)... We tried counseling but it was too late... So, he has had a harder time with it than I have...

I know the answer to this question, but I still feel the need to get some support behind me. I need to respect his feelings, right? I shouldn't date someone at work if it is going to make him feel bad?

I know the answer... I just so badly want to get over the ex bf, that I am feeling so desperate for a distraction... for someone to make me feel special again. I know I should chill out and just be by myself... but it's so much easier to get distracted, then wake up one morning and find that your ex is not the first thing on your mind anymore!!! I'm trying to rush the process, aren't I?

July 20, 2005
12:02 pm
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Actually, I disagree completely!! LOL!

I don’t think it would be healthy for you to not go out with someone because it would make your EX husband (key word…EX) uncomfortable. You don’t have to be responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own! That’s freedom baby, yeah! (sorry, Austin Powers moment) Now, I agree with respecting his feelings, and if you were to date the guy from the office, perhaps keep it low key out of respect for your ex. But you don’t owe him anything. Don’t let your guilt convince you otherwise.

It doesn’t matter why the marriage ended. Point is…it’s over. I know I will date whoever I want, whether my ex likes it or not. My personal life is just that...personal, and none of his business. Same goes for yours! I can see it would be tough because you guys get along so well and you don't want to upset the balance, but ultimately, how he feels is HIS responsibility. All you need to do is go out and have a great life. You deserve it!

If you want to date him, and YOU are ready and comfortable with it…that’s all that matters.

Glad I could help with the other post! Cats are stinky! They poop indoors for goodness sake, and you have to clean up their shit daily. Dogs are much nicer!

kc

July 20, 2005
12:05 pm
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2B

Sorry you are a little down... But if you really think about it.. We are always going to be a little down for a while. It's the REALLY down days that are getting fewer an further between.. I think that's a good sign, 2B... :o)

My daughter passed the written but failed behind the wheel. I didn't know she was taking that part of the test.. She informed me when we got to the Drivers License Bureau. She was going to need to use my car.. She has never had a permit and never driven my car!!!!! Long story about why no permit.. but, apparently, she has been practicing with some friends...(illegally). I thought we were just getting the permit so I could teach her to drive. She's 18, so she doesn't have to wait a year after receiving her permit. I was a nervous wreck... She didn't even know how to turn on the lights.. where the blinkers were.. how to run the electric seats and side view mirror.. I was in the fetal position when she pulled out of the parking lot with the instructor... She returned having failed for not coming to complete stops (not one complete stop). I did let her drive home.. And, she drove with me over the weekend..

I will probably be at the Grape while you are at the gym.. What gym do you go to? Hee hee hee

Great!!.... next week you will be up and running at home (internet).

I wish the trip was next weekend..

Frayed

July 20, 2005
12:11 pm
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TC

Keeping in the addiction analogy.. I think maybe 4 months ago you got off heroin and replaced it with cocaine... Now, you are trying to break the cocaine habit... You are kind of starting over.. With no pain killers this time....

Aren't these diet plans hell????

Keep posting and listening to KC.. It seems her experiences are very close to yours; slow and painfull withdrawl. She has been where you are and can recognize your path. I think that is what has made her very wise and strong. But, she really had to pay her dues.. She can tell you if there's a better way.....

Frayed

July 20, 2005
12:14 pm
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KC... Woof!!! I agree. I am a dog person myself!!!

Anyway, I have to say that I am shocked over your take on the ex-husband thing.

I know that you are thiking in a very healthy and logical manner... but I guess I am not as far along in my healing to be thinking about myself first. I guess I never really have in my life. I always put everyone else first. I just wish I didn't care so darn much about about other peoples feelings! Knowing that I have hurt him so much (and he views me as SELFISH already)... that I hate that I would feel responsible for hurting him yet again. Don't get me wrong, he has hurt me a lot too over the years, but I was the one who ulitmately called it quits.

I know you said it doesn't matter, it's over, etc.. but, I still feel responsible for his pain... Wow!!!! How typically co-dependent is that??? I am just such a textbook case that it scares even me sometimes!!!

July 20, 2005
2:32 pm
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Hi tc
It's hard to get your head around, isn't it? It's like...what do you mean I don't have to worry about him? That CAN'T be right.

This is how twisted up I was 6 months ago...husband back home, actively resumed the affair, said he wanted a divorce, and also wanted to live in the basement of our home...and I said sure! Why? Because I knew he was broke and didn't have any money, and where would he go? I did this for 3 weeks!!!

It was only when he said some pretty nasty things to me, and tried to control the way I lived in MY home...where HE was now a guest and living rent-free, that I finally saw the light. I threw his ass out, and still felt guilty...for a little while.

I felt really guilty in the early days of sorting out what was mine and giving him back what was his in terms of problems and baggage and emotional shit....but I stuck to it and VOILA! boundaries magically appeared!! Not really...but they did start!

His feelings are his own...you have every right to do what is right for your life, and he needs to learn to deal with that. Just as you have to learn to heal YOUR own pain from this last breakup without expecting your ex to make it better.

lots of love
kc

July 20, 2005
3:57 pm
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KC,

My ex-husband also lived in the basement of our house before the divorce, until I was able to move out (I was in the process of building a new home)...
Yes, I moved out of our home, with my two children...why? Guilt, guilt, guilt!!!! I could have fought for the house, but it wasn't worth it for me. I just wanted to be free, so he still lives in the beautiful home that we built together. It's ok though because my children visit him every other weekend, so they are able to stay in their old rooms. It gives them a sense of stability...

I haven't given any more thought to dating the guy from work or what it would do to my exh... I don't have the energy for it. I'm having such a bad day... I just cried the entire way home from work... I feel like a lunatic... These feelings come in waves and I can't control them. Then I walked into the house expecting to have a message on my home answering machine, nothing.

You know a few weeks ago, HE was calling me incessantly (when I refused to answer the phone)... he didn't give up. He kept calling and calling. Now, nothing.

Am I just as bad as him with the game playing???

I feel like screaming!!! I am so angry! I am angry at him for hurting me so badly, but I'm also angry at myself for allowing it to happen in the first place!!!

Here I go again... broken record...and I KNOW I'm not alone in this struggle, you are all dealing with the same issues... and I feel for all of you as well. I don't want any of you to think that I am a selfish person because I haven't been addressing any of your issues... I just can't seem to get out of my own head today. I'm sorry.

TC

July 20, 2005
4:25 pm
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Hey tc--Are you there?

Just want you to know how cool of a person I think you are. You're brave, strong, thoughtful, and sensitive. Wonderful qualities. You are very special, it comes across in your writing.

Please don't apologize for going over all of this stuff. That's what these boards are for. You're trying to get your head and your heart aligned--you are doing exactly what you should be doing. I remember screaming in the car at the top of my lungs. The most hideous scream, I couldn't believe anything like that could come out of me. And I did it several times.

I don't think today you're game playing at all--you're trying to get this out of your system. It is going to take a little time. Baby steps--as much as I hate that term, it's true. And the good thing about it is you're moving forward, not backward.

I still look at my phone to see if he's called. I deleted all of his numbers so that I don't accidentally dial. You've come to my rescue many times, tc. Especially with your most excellent sense of humor! You've saved my life.

What are you doing tonight? How are the kids?

July 20, 2005
4:34 pm
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The kids go with their Dad for dinner every Wednesday night, so I'm alone tonight. I just feel like crawling into bed right now, and it's only 4:30...

It's good that they are not home because it is so hard sometimes to put on a happy face for them. I have to act happy and strong, when I really feel sad and defeated.

July 21, 2005
8:47 am
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Hey all!

FrayedKnot: How are you doing today? How are you feeling? How was the evening out with friends? Anything interesting happen at the Grape?

TC: Saw your post above, how are you this morning?--2b

July 21, 2005
9:14 am
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2B

Good morning..

I'm doing really good thank you for asking..... I can feel myself really making progress regarding my ex. I'm not pining for her like I use to. Keeping busy and developing other interests along with no contact have helped me tremendously..

My 18 year old daughter might be moving in with me. She's having some real difficulties at home with her mom.. Funny, her mom is my true ex and I have no feelings for her.. If it's any consolation to anyone, when my wife and I were first getting divorced, I had "issues" regarding the end of that relationship. As time has passed, I see that relationship in a completely different light (and, it's not good). Just goes to show me that as you distant yourself from a bad relationship, the angle/view might change your perception..

The Grape was ok.. Didn't stay out very long. I've been so busy this week that I probably would have skipped it if I hadn't committed myself to go.. Tonight, a free night for me. Go to the gym... do some laundry... finish two tax returns.. watch the Brewers beat the Cards....relax at home.

JJ had a home run last night and a double in a losing effort against your Cards.

How was your night, 2B.. Did you set up a date with the trainer?

As time passes here, I may take the SC up on his offer in the other thread. Maybe he/she will let me drop off and you can stay on? I will be ready to graduate from here within a month..

Frayed

July 21, 2005
9:21 am
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Hi frayed:

So glad to hear from you.

I was so excited to see your cousin play last night! He's really good. I didn't go to the game, I went to a local place to watch it. Ho Ho--so you think the Brewers will win tonight eh, should we have a friendly wager with pay-off at a later date? ; )

My friend wasn't there...but I was invited to a friends-of-the-gym party on Saturday, so that was a plus. I flirted my brains out last night with men and women, that good aura, you know. I felt so good when I got home, just connecting with people. I know I'm going to be ok--see my thread that I posted today.

I will be ready to graduate too, frayed. I was thinking about all of this last night. No contact has given me a lot of clarity on the relationship. It was hard, but it works.

I was thinking about the SC's offer, too. Sounds good to me.

2b

July 21, 2005
9:32 am
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Good Morning everyone.

It is the beginning of day 9 for me. I'm still feeling empty, hollow, sad and helpless. I have a horrible lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes at the most inconvenient times. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel so ill.

This is going to sound rediculous, but I feel like I am invisible. I feel like a zombie, going through my day in a fog... my kids talk to me and I can barely focus on their words. I have to make a REAL effort to look at their faces, watch their lips and try my hardest to HEAR what they are saying. Otherwise, I just hear WAWAWAWAWA (Like the adults in the Charlie Brown television shows).

I feel like everyone that I care about in my life, either disapoints me horribly or totally abandons me. I feel so worthless.

NOW... both 2B and Frayed are considering leaving the boards...I don't want to put any pressure on you guys (because I understand your reasons for leaving), but I have really come to depend on you both (co-dependency in all it's glory... I'm now dependent on two strangers to make me feel better..???) I feel completely crazy.

TC

July 21, 2005
9:43 am
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Hi TC--

You're doing do well! 9 days is huge. Yep, I think you are feeling all of the appropriate feelings that come with letting go of it all for about two weeks.

Those feelings of being invisible--boy, I remember that. I would look at myself in the mirror and think: "That's not even my face". Everything seems like it's just fake. Nothing, and I mean nothing matters when you are in the state you are in. Even recently tc, I was in that phase of feeling worthless and insignificant. BUT key word here is: PHASE. All of the feelings you're feeling are temporary. It's all part of the process believe it or not.

You aren't crazy at all, love. Have you thought about getting into a support group? I apologize if you've mentioned it before. Who do you talk about this with at home? Do you have a friend who will never get tired of listening?

It will get better, TC. PLEASE, believe me--I'm not saying the urge ever goes away, but no contact will give you a lot of clarity on the relationship. You will see clearly what is real.

(((((tc66)))))

July 21, 2005
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TC

My heart has just dropped 3 feet...

I know exactly what you are feeling.. Exactly... Exactly.. I know all of the mental and physical anguish. So does KC... 2B.... Turnabout... EF.. JL... etc, etc. etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEVER WILL BE.

As I stated earlier in the post. I think you are now truly beginning your break-away.. This is the toughest time. It's pure hell. Your feelings are part of this process. Let the waves come over you. Cry.. Get mad.. Not that I would know.. but, it's kind of like child birth.. Just survive the contractions until a new TC is born..

I'm staying on here for a few more weeks.. I'm hoping they will let 2B stay longer if I get off..

Your buddy Frayed

July 21, 2005
9:55 am
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2B

Bets on... I had to look at the starting pitchers...

Gym party sounds fun Saturday... I'm glad you have come out of your cocoon and freed the social butterfly.

Frayed

July 21, 2005
9:56 am
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Frayed, didn't mean to ignore your post regarding your daughter. Hope all will work out for you. That's and adjustment, too. My sister lived with me for two years after she graduated from college. She moved out 2 months ago. It was good to have her there in many ways. Will she be going to college in the fall, or joining us saps in the work force?

July 21, 2005
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TC- very normal and appropriate right now- everything you are descriving...you've had all of your focus directed towards one person...the dreaded ex. You have been constantly thinking about him, what he's doing, thinking feeling wanting needing etc...he consumed your life and your thoughts.

Now, he's gone, and you're left with the big hole that he had occupied, and it takes time to fill that hole. Be patient...be gentle with yourself...do you have Melody's book "The Language of Letting Go"? This is the time to get it...it's full of self affirmations and tons of wisdom that you will be able to relate to. It was/is one of the best purchases I have ever made.

You have to be alone with yourself now...and that is so very hard, scary, painful, sad. Your worth came from whether this man wanted you or not...now you need to dig inside and find out for yourself who you are and what you are worth...without anyone else to tell you. No small task...and not a fast one.

Frayed and 2b- I'm glad you are both feeling so much better....hooray!!

Codependency, as I understand it, is a progressive disease, like alcoholism. It never goes away. We don't get to "graduate" from codependancy...we are never "cured". We can recover from lost love, we can find newfound peace and innerstrength, but we still need to stay committed to the process of recovery. It is a lifelong process...it never ends.

I am getting over the loss of my marriage, but my codependency still creeps into other parts of my life.

I've heard a lot of people in meetings share that they have reached a point where they say "Ok, I'm good now. I don't need this" - only to find themselves right back in the same place, different person.

Please think about this very carefully before deciding to leave these boards for the sake of exchanging an email address. Yes, I selfishly enjoy your virtual company here and that motivates me to speak up. But to leave a place that has given you so very much could be something you regret down the road? Why leave your support systems behind just as they are starting to work?

Food for thought or just speaking out of turn...either way...lots of love!

kc

July 21, 2005
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2B

I'm sure my daughter will begin working first. She hasn't demonstrated very much interest in continuing her education. I live very close to a huge mall with lots of restaurants. I'm hoping she will work for a while and begin to develop a better understanding of what she wants for herself. She can be a little fickle.. I could get a text message today that she has decided to move to Alaska to drill for oil. She has a great heart.. very sociable.. those qualities will get her a long way in life.

Frayed

July 21, 2005
10:13 am
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Is this terribly codependent...to offer this unsolicited input? I never know what the line is...when is it just honest expression and when is it unhealthy codependency?

Honest and healthy communication is NOT something that was ever modelled for me when I was young.

July 21, 2005
10:40 am
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KC,

I will only speak for myself, but I don't mind getting unsolicited advice (and I am also guilty of doling out my share of personal "wisdom" without being asked for it)...

Sometimes the advice "stings" a bit, especially when it is something I don't want to hear. That's when the defensiveness kicks in and I slip into denial mode... but as I think about it, and realize the truth in the advice, it is ALWAYS helpful. Sometimes it is soooo difficult to tell someone something that they don't want to hear, but I believe that it is CRUCIAL to a person's healing journey.

I find that in my "real" life, I sometimes will only confide in the people that will tell me what I want to hear. I have two completely opposite types of friends... they both really love me, I know that. But, one is brutally honest and tells it like it is. She'll say "T- He's making a fool of you. Move on!!!!" The other will say "Oh, T- I KNOW he loves you, he's just confused..."

Guess which one I've been talking to more lately??????? Yup, #2...

She validates my insane behavior and doesn't make me feel like a loser for still hanging on to someone that is making a fool of me (because he "loves" me).... I know that I look for people to tell me what I want to hear, but if I continue to rely on THAT advice, I will NEVER move forward.

So, I believe that it is absolutely necessary for people to give their HONEST opinion to people, even they feel it is not going to be received well at first.

Just my opinion...

TC

July 21, 2005
10:46 am
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KC

Your input is always welcome and appreciated by me...

I enjoy receiving advice/opinions. Doesn't mean I always follow it/them...

Frayed

July 21, 2005
10:51 am
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TC

Thanks for sharing.

Ouch on your friends! I think it's natural to seek out people who will be kind and supportive...I would prefer to have someone to kind, supportive and truthful. I think if one of my friends told me I was being made a fool of when I was at your stage...I wouldn't be calling that friend! My self esteem was already tattered...I didn't need to hear that....just that I would be ok, it would all be ok, I was normal, great, kind, wonderful etc etc But on the other hand, supporting your decision to constantly put your hand in the proverbial fire- continuously hurting yourself- isn't being a great friend either! Someone told me once that being in denial is like being in a dark cave, but truth is like light into the cave...tiny little beams. If you share enough truth in a kind, gentle way, eventually, it will cut through the darkness.

A mix of the 2 would be nice, eh?

It's interesting isn't it...

When I first tried to work things out with my husband...I completely shut out the people who supported me through the breakup- stop calling or talking to them- I guess I knew what they would say, or thought I did. I couldn't just stand in the face of their disapproval (so I imagined) and say "that's ok- I hear what you're saying, but this is what I need to do"

When we tried reconciling the last time, it was much different. I talked to people honestly about what I was doing and why, and was surprised to hear their support...not that they necessarily agreed with the decision, but their support of me and my right to make decisions! I never expected that because in the past, I would almost sneak around them.

It showed me how much I had grown up! 🙂 Hooray for me! LOL

kc

July 21, 2005
10:58 am
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Frayed and 2b,

I just began these boards last month. In that time I feel so much better. I know I have a way to go because if I ever get another date in my life, some of the same issues will come up if I don't make changes with the way I handle things. All this to say, (and is this weird?) Please don't leave the boards. You both add so much to the discussions. Many of the issues you talk about help me, as well as others I am sure. After what you have been through, when new people come aboard you can offer such insight and help.

Nothing anyone else says can make your decision, you have to make that yourselves, I just hope you think long and hard.

Hope

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