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The "Absolutely No Contact" Club
July 18, 2005
10:55 am
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frayedknot
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TC66

God I know your feelings.. We just can't understand why they don't see our relationship the way we do/did. I was talking to a friend this weekend and she told me when it comes to relationships, if she decides it's over... then it's over for her. She says she no longer has any feelings, etc. It made my skin crawl.. That's the way my ex is acting.. I HATE TO ACCEPT THAT.. But, it's out of my control. 2B and I have received absolutely no contact from our ex's in 6 or 7 weeks. Yours teases you... throws a bone... challenges your strength to not contact him, etc.. I'm not sure which is worse? Why the hell do we let people who obviously dont' care for us control our lives? He doesn't deserve the gift of TC... Try not to give it to him....

Frayed

July 18, 2005
11:35 am
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Good Morning Everyone,

It's another week and hopefully it'll be a good one for all of us.

2b - Hang in there. I know how hard it is, but you're doing good. 3 weeks -- that's fantastic 🙂 The pain will subside.

TC - I know how much you're hurting. It doesn't seem fair, does it? If only we could be so quick to let go of feelings. But please try to make it another day without giving in to your urges.....it'll make you stronger.

Frayed - Personally, I think you're fortunate that she doesn't contact you. It will make it easier for you in the long run. Mine keeps contacting me off and on and throws me a bone and my wounds keep opening up all over again. I haven't written and I haven't heard from him in 2 days. But, instead of me writing, I'm now dreaming about him....and it's never a good dream. I hate to wake up in the morning with him on my mind because I dreamt about him.

I'm definitely grieving big time right now, but like I said earlier, I will allow myself to grieve and not look to him for crumbs.

Bring on the pain so I can survive!!!!

July 18, 2005
12:58 pm
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Hi Guys,

I just received a response to my text message I sent Friday to let him know I'll be leaving him alone from now on.

Get this...he writes back that I don't need to leave him alone, I should just not worry if he doesn't respond immediately. ?????????

Well, I started to reply and tell him what nerve he had to sent this type of response....but in the end, I deleted the message and didn't write back!!! 🙂

July 18, 2005
1:08 pm
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HSB

I think you are probably correct that it's best I'm not getting contacted. Especially when I read the volleys that you and others send back and forth to your ex's. I'm sure it's like picking at a scab constantly... As 2B will probably agree, not hearing from them makes you feel like they NEVER had any feelings for you. It's a puzzlement that leaves you feeling so hollow..

Great job on not texting your ex back. You explained you position in you text Friday.. No further explanation necessary. He was trying to pull another response out of you. Now, you have the last word.... you made the no contact decision. you are in control of yourself...

Way to go!!!

Frayed

July 18, 2005
1:42 pm
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Good morning boys and girls. For me, this only works as absolute no-contact. I changed my cell number and threatened everyone who I gave the new number to that re-release of the number may result in serious bodilly harm. I changed my email accounts AND passwords.....don't forget that part. I don't answer the phone at home until I know who it is and the same at the office. All of the people who might answer one of my phones know enough of the situation that if it is her to tell her I will not accept the call and to let her know that. This may sound extreme but I know that any contact will get me right back, in VERY short order, to where I was (yes, I've approached the flame too many times and have the scars to prove it).

Good luck all. I absolutely endorse absolutely no contact.

July 18, 2005
1:50 pm
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CD

That's a serious committment. No sense doing things half ass.. Great job at understanding the effort necessary to reach your goal..

Frayed

July 18, 2005
2:37 pm
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Cdad,

Thanks again for your emphatic post. I agree with you on the absolute no contact. I don't want to be stuck in this horrible feeling good one day mode, feeling like sh** the next. I believed people like you who insisted that the no contact is the only way to go. Well, let me tell ya, it has been pretty crappy. But I would imagine anytime you have to break a habit, it's no picnic especially when emotions and feelings are involved. However, I have seen a change in myself. I know that my posts are heavy and sadness-stricken, but I believe it's only a phase. I am looking forward to the phase after this crying-a-river-phase.

July 18, 2005
2:41 pm
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All hail Carolina's Dad!!! You are my NC Idol!!!! I commend you on your commitment to no contact... I think that the problem with my efforts is that they are "wimpy".
I hope someday to be in the place you are in. Strong and determined!

HSB... Try, try, try NOT to text him back!!!!!!! I know how difficult it is going to be, because I've been there!!!!!!!! Think of how good you will feel if you don't respond. Be prepared though, he will most likely start persuing you when his overgrown ego gets bruised, and you don't jump all over his bait!
Think of how horrible you felt just this morning... Don't go back there!! Stay in control, my friend!! I'm sending you some NO CONTACT super strength through cyber-space. Do you feel it???????

July 18, 2005
3:04 pm
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Thanks TC...I can feel it...lol

I'm not going to write back no matter how much I want to.

I'm in my grieving mode and I will remain there. I know that if I wrote back, nothing would change. But I have to admit I'm curious why he just won't let me go.....afterall, he's the one that broke it off with me. He should be elated that I have decided to leave him alone...I know I would be.

July 18, 2005
3:24 pm
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HSB

He wants to keep you around in case he changes his mind.. And, He wants you chasing him... that's for the confidence. I don't remember where you are/were with him sexually, but, he will keep that avenue open if he can.. Your moving on from him is a little threatening to him. That's a "byproduct" of why it's good for you..

Would you REALLY want him to leave you alone if it were reversed? Or, would you rather know that he still wants to be with you?

Frayed

July 18, 2005
3:34 pm
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Honestly, I would want him to leave me alone. I have had previous relationships where I broke it off and I found it to be really stressful for the guy to keep calling and wanting another chance. But maybe that's because it's so hard for me to break off a relationship anyway (never want to hurt anybody) that when I finally get the guts to do it, I don't want to have to continue telling someone "no, sorry". Know what I mean?

My ex lives in Northern CA and I in Southern CA, so the sex is NOT an issue. We haven't seen each other in a year or so. That's what's so puzzling. It can't be a sex thing, because I don't live close enough for him to use me for that.

July 18, 2005
4:13 pm
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this is the first time I have read this thread but I guess I should have been all along. It relates closely to my wife and how she is treating this divorce. Like she flat doesnt really care. As she put it, "someone else has my heart and you're never going to get it back." It would have been real nice of her to let me know early on that she was feeling differently about us. But instead, she just drank it away and then found another man. I dont understand someone like her. Not at all. I was the one who led us to counseling but she would never allow me to go with her. She always wanted to go by herself. I guess she really didn't want it to work out.

July 18, 2005
5:11 pm
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No contact update... Half way through day 5! No real urges to call him... just a contstant dull ache in my heart that makes me check my cell phone for missed calls or new messages every hour or so...which leads to an upset stomach when there is nothing there...

2B, about the book you mentioned...acting out is exactly what I've been doing and you are right, the relief is temporary (as can be validated by the roller coaster of emotions that are documented on this sight over the past month or so). I need to stop and I will! I need to be stronger than the "urge"...

Frayed and 2B... You are the best!! You have gone 6-7 weeks with no contact!!! Although you've been hurting... you haven't given in! You are so strong! Both of you!!! I hope you realize how special you are. When you both find your "special someone", they are going to be so lucky!! Honestly!

Everyone on this site has soooo much to offer in a relationship! You are all bright, kind, articulate, witty and compassionate. It's amazing to me that such wonderful people don't look in the mirror and realize how much better they are than the jacka$$es that have broken their heart and crushed their spirit!!!

I pray for all of us in our struggle to be free of this burden...

TC

July 18, 2005
5:42 pm
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I find that I am almost completely powerless not to return a text --- they scare me for that reason and is, primarilly, the reason for changing the number. If it is any consolation, the text will look like it has gone through to the sender after the number is changed and it will never arrive....kind of a cool thought once in a while to think she may be texting her butt off to me and I don't even know it; she just thinks I'm ignoring her and I don't have to make a conscious effort (she was big on text messages).

I've been told that continuing to obsess, even about how evil and hurtful she was/is, is almost the same as continuing to obsess about how much I miss her or how much I want to be with her and so on. It is, the rationalization/justification doesn't make things any better other than the band-aid so I don't feel so controlled.

I really don't think I could function well if I had to continue some form of contact. Just as I am powerless over the texts, I am more powerless over her. The line is that "...half measures availed us NOTHING..." it doesn't say half-measures availed us half. It has become an all or nothing proposition for me.

Good luck, my friends.

July 18, 2005
6:13 pm
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Well guys, my day is almost over (well, another 2 hrs), but I am staying strong....haven't replied.

I'm seeing my counselor tonite, so I'm sure I'll be going home with renewed faith in myself....well, at least for today 🙂

July 18, 2005
6:30 pm
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shyann
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Im new on this site. Right now Im already depressed and my fiance has not confirmed niether denied that our relationship is over. Long story short, we had an argument, I said iwanted to leave, like always, and that has hurt him one too many times. I would hate to loose him, but if I do I will be joining the "absolutely no contact club." I look foward to your support. Wish me the best.

July 18, 2005
6:36 pm
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HSB

Good work.. Seeing your counselor tonight will probably reenergize you.. I usually get a little lift after mine helps me to recognize the flaws in some of my thought processes..

TC

Thank you for the kind words... I won't pretend to speak for 2B or anyone else, but I'm guessing she and most other people on this site would agree with me when I say somebody will be extremely lucky to win your love.. You are extremely devoted, loving, humorous, and HOT.... I'm guessing your contact problems stem from your ex giving you mixed signals (on purpose) and you are deeply passionate and committed when you fall in love... And, you fell in love with your ex.. Great characteristics...... maybe the wrong object of desire..

I think 2B and I draw a lot of strength from each other. I know I draw strength from her. It seems we all have someone out here that matches up well to our own story. 2B is that someone for me..

Frayed

July 18, 2005
7:07 pm
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raindrop
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Can someone tell me when it gets better? I have had no contact with him for almost three months now, and I think it's getting harder. I have drafted an email to him, and I'm using all of my will power not to send it, but feel myself becoming weaker on a daily basis.

July 18, 2005
8:05 pm
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Raindrop

To be honest with you.. sometimes I feel like it's getting worse as time passes also. But, maybe if you think about how you were really feeling in week 1.. 6..... 15.. etc. you are probably doing better (I know I am). My experience with anxiety/pain has had waves. I take two steps forward and then get hit by a wave and take a step back. During the step back period, I question whether things are getting better.

Have you been able to develop other interests? I think that is crucial to moving on.. Time alone is great.. but, I think we need to really work on rebuilding our lives... from the inside out..

Frayed

July 18, 2005
9:35 pm
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no doubt rebuilding is the key. And it does start from inside. A few days ago, I had no energy at all. I couldnt do anything but walk around this empty house. Saturday night, I couldnt stand it any longer. I got up and found a church to go to. By Monday morning, I had a slew of activities planned. And I also went face to face with my biggest fear: the day my wife started taking property. Now that the first part id over, it's time to develop all those interests. But I know that another down wave is coming. It will hit me hard. But I hope that I can rebound from it like I did today. Today was like ten steps forward. You have to believe and know in your heart that it will get better. I know it feels like it will not under any circumstance because just 24 hours ago I was in a hole. But this afternoon, I climbed all the way out of it with the help of a lot of friends and prayers. Now I have to fight falling back in the hole. You have to believe......even in the darkness....you have to believe because you have no idea that some relief may be only hours away

July 19, 2005
7:56 am
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I received a text message from my daughter some time last night. She ran into my ex's daughter and has some stories to tell me about my ex.. I'm a little apprehensive to hear any stories. I'm afraid they will make me upset and cause me to want to make contact. I'm trying to decide whether to tell my daughter I don't want to hear anything. On the other hand, I may find out something that turns my stomach and moves me further away from HER... It's like Pandoras box has been opened.. I will want to hear..

My ex's birthday is 07/29.. Do I need to acknowledge her birthday or is it ok to ignore it completely? She left me and decided not to have me in her life. I don't want to recognize her birthday.. Any thoughts?

Frayed

July 19, 2005
9:44 am
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TC--I need to catch up with you today--will visit you at your "I'm glad to be home" thread. Thinking of you dear friend!

Frayed: You are my soul-brother! We are going through this together, I do get strength from you. If I get the itch, I think of you. Big thanks in my heart to kc for starting the original no contact club. We would all be sunk at the bottom of the pool if not for her.

I would not want to hear anything about ex! She will call you and fill you in on the details of her life if she wants to. That just sounded harsh--if it is burning in your heart frayed, and you think you won't be hurt or flattened on your back from it, then seek the info. Also, what kind of "stories"? Stories insinuate negative things...Maybe I am reading into it?

As for the b-day card or acknowledgement: I wouldn't do that either. You gave enough of your heart to her. She ended it--when someone ends something--and I am saying this for myself too--they are telling you that you are no longer a part of their life.

Oh frayed! Do I sound to mean and bitter? I am trying to be realistic.--2b

July 19, 2005
9:51 am
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Hi Frayed
It's a mixed bag isn't it...hearing about the ex. It could be something that will make you feel good..or it could rip your heart out. Either way though...it will upset your normal, healthy balance.

I would not acknowledge the birthday. You guys aren't together. Do you send birthday greetings to all your ex's? That's how I keep things in perspective when trying to determine how to handle a situation...would I do it for so and so who I dated before? No? Then it's not a healthy choice!

I had an ex send me a card on my birthday...we had been split for a long time...I was actuallyl very happy with my husband and pregnant. It all seemed sad to me. To still be hanging on. I think we've talked about this point of view before?

Personally I think...if you can resist hearing the news...do so (I've never been able to do it, but I'm getting closer!) I mean...you can always hear it in a month or two right? Stay strong...you're doing so very well!

kc

July 19, 2005
9:57 am
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2B

No, 2B...... you are NEVER mean to me and I don't consider you bitter. Honestly..... you told me EXACTLY what I wanted to hear. Those were my thoughts... I was hoping to have them validated.. :o) My daughter is 18... the ex's daughter is 16 and has drug problems.. Thank god my daughter doesn't.. The stories could be about anything. My daughter knows my entire story with my ex. In fact, She gave me some excellent advice, etc during our break-up. She knows details about the alcohol and other things I will explain in Orlando. I think what she tells me will be regarding her drinking and dating and posssibly cheating on me and during her marriage. That's my guess. It could also be about what she's doing now.. I don't think I want to
know.. The text message said I saw Laine and she told me some stories about the alcoholic slut.. I doubt Laine referred to her mom in that manner. But, Laine has had to drag her drunken mom off the kitchen floor to put her in bed more than once. And, my ex doesn't see it, but her and her ex husbands alcoholism/drug use have contributed to their daughters drug problems. Last I knew, the daughter was suppose to go to a drug rehab clinic.

Thanks for clearing up the B-day stuff. You are so right. She doesn't want me in her life.... so, I will stay out of it..

Frayed

July 19, 2005
10:05 am
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Frayed,

Here's what I think about the upcoming birthday? I'll give you a few different scenarios and let you choose which one you find the most appealing:

1. You send a card to her. She reads it and gets all sentimental about you. She calls to reminisce. You laugh, you cry, your old feelings have been stirred up to the surface. Your conversation flows naturally and you realize how much you've missed talking to her. BUT, at the end of the conversation, it's just THAT, the end. There is no mention of talking again and you are devastated. You are back to DAY 1 of No Contact.

2. You send her a card. No response. You are devastated. DAY 1 of No Contact starts...

3. You send her a card. She sends you a note to thank you for thinking of her. You send a note back. She sends you a note. One of you breaks and calls the other... You start fighting over the same old issues... get angry and she hangs up on you (or you on her). Either way, you are back to DAY 1...

4. You ignore her birthday completely. She doesn't even notice. You have not given her any power or control over you and you remain right where you are at week 6 in the healing process...

5. You ignore her birthday and she sits waiting for you to acknowledge it. Huh??? Where is Frayed???? It's not like him to forget MY birthday???? What's going on??? Could he be moving on with his life??? SHE is hurt and YOU are in control!!

I like #5... and I'd LOVE to say that I'd be able to do it... but I'm not so sure I could considering that I sent my ex. a Father's Day card last month from his DOG!??? How lame is that????

Whatever you choose to do Frayed... I wish you luck!

TC

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