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The "Absolutely No Contact" Club
July 15, 2005
11:35 am
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turnabout
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I agree with exotic 100%. There's a point where something "clicks" and you know that your holding onto an illusion of who you thought they were or wanted them to be. When the click happens, it isn't all that dramatic, but it is significant. In mine, I just got a very clear image of how he saw me and our previous relationship, and his image is all lies. It hurt some, but mostly I knew that his lies wasn't something I wanted to hold on to. The irony is, though, that the "click" wouldn't have happened if I hadn't contacted him. Sometimes we need them to PROVE to us how unavailable they really are.

July 15, 2005
12:55 pm
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exoticflower
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blondebunny, KEEP BUSY, it helps a lot more than anything else!

July 15, 2005
2:27 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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kc brings up a good point. Am I truly missing "him" or just addicted to the ups and downs of this rollercoaster?

At this point I'm not sure anymore. Some days I do okay and other days to an outsider it would look like he just broke up with me recently....I'm that upset and crying. I'm still considering the possibility that if I actually saw him again, I would be able to disconnect. I'm almost positive I'm romanticizing way too much. Maybe that's the problem.

To answer sd's question - yes I am in counseling. It does help, I feel very upbeat and determined after my sessions, but the problem is, the counselor can't talk to me every single day....I need to learn to control my urges on my own.

Today is not too bad so far. I'm trying to keep myself real busy at work. I keep telling myself it's time to buckle down and focus on my life only. I need to look out for myself.

July 16, 2005
10:22 am
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How is everyone today?--2b

July 16, 2005
3:27 pm
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exoticflower
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He e-mailed me very formally and would like to know if he can call tomorrow to speak with our daughter (1 year old, can only say "Hi" and "bye" . And Mama and Ki-day (kitty)...) what the phuck?

July 16, 2005
3:35 pm
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2bstrong
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Hmmm...ask him specifics: make him schedule a time to call...I'm assuming you are Mama? Ask him now what he cares to talk about with you. Keep it all about the business, exotic. You do not owe him anything. You're in a very good place right now--hold your ground, girl.--2b

July 16, 2005
3:49 pm
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turnabout
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It does sound like an underhanded attempt to contact you. You know how they are... not interested until you're not interested... then they suddenly can't get enough! Morons. I agree with 2b. Keep is all business.

July 16, 2005
4:34 pm
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Yeah, definately. The annoying thing here is that the business cannot TALK! I said he could as he had a time to offer and such, but I will be letting a friend answer the phone and give it to her. I had said before all of this that it was not something I concider myself responsible to make happen for him as she can't comprehend what is going on at all, but the way he presented it was so official I felt like I would be unreasonable and breaking some rule not to agree (he tends to make me feel uneducated or incapable of not understanding my rights or responsabilities, snide little brat). I knew I should have deleated the e-mail, and now here I am thinking about him and all that i have been through and getting angry and resentful and hurt...gotta snap myself out of this.

July 16, 2005
4:48 pm
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turnabout
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I think it's a good idea to let a friend mediate this and allow you to maintain "no contact." There usually ways around these things that will prevent your being completely manipulated. That's good thinking, exotic.

July 16, 2005
9:08 pm
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((((HSB)))))

Today I was sitting in beautiful place, meditating and singing to the Creator before a lake filled with ducks; when all of sudden you flashed in my mind, Hsb. I started to reflect upon you asking God to help you in your hang-ups. I asked Him to comfort you and give you joy and peace amidst all this choatic senseless situation.

Hsb, you are beautiful soul! Honey do not worry, if it did not work out with this guy, God will prepare another better one for you. This is what I keep telling myself about my friend, even though I have strong feelings for him and was thinking about him a lot today - thank God I did not see him today. I know it is hard, coz I am living through this sorrow of love right now. Let us continue giving support to each other, for as long as it takes, till we have a Breakthru, and we will have and we will TRIUMPH!!!!

(((Hugs)))

July 16, 2005
10:47 pm
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{{{{Ras}}}

Thank you for thinking of me today and praying for me. You are a wonderful person and I know that someday you will find the right man for you. You are strong, you have your faith which you never question and I just feel it in my heart that you, and hopefully I too, will find happiness if we're just patient.

I did something last nite that most of you will probably see as a weakness, but I felt so badly last nite that I sent him a text message simply saying that I will leave him alone from now on. I can't do this anymore. I had to let him know somehow that I am accepting our breakup and that I realize that chasing him is useless. He didn't respond, and believe it or not, THIS time, I didn't expect him too....I didn't have any hope whatsoever...I just want the pain to stop. I know if I keep writing him, he may write back on occasion, but what do I do in the meantime? I'd be hurting and missing him.

I'm ready to go through the pain one last time. I've broken down and cried a few times today, but I accept that as the norm for awhile. I'm not going to break down and contact him looking for him to take away the pain and make me feel better...because I know he can't do that for me. He obviously doesn't love me anymore. End of story. It's now up to me to go on with my life without him. I'm ready for weeks or months of pain...whatever it takes, but I will remain steadfast in my conviction not to write him. The way I look at it, whether he writes or not, I will hurt just the same because he won't come back to me. I have to accept that.

Thanks again Ras for your prayers and thinking of me. I think of you often too. Let's both renew our commitment to take things one day at a time and trust in the HP to do what's right for us.

Love,
HSB

July 17, 2005
4:12 am
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happy feet
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Thank you for this club, I want to join. Today is day one I had the click and know that I can not contact him again ever.

I need support and help I have been falling in the trap for 15 years now.

Nothing chages I get my fix of abuse and he goes his way and I try and pull myself up out of the muck and mire.

I do good and get better and life is good and then I want to call him again or write to him so I can get my UGLY 's from him and start the whole thing again.

I want to fell better about myself and go forward. so no contact club is for me thank you

Today is the first day of my life.

July 17, 2005
4:35 am
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willitgetbetter
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How are you today guys. Been staying off here keeping myself busy. Well it's been 4 days now and I jabe no intention of contacting her. I've been reading through the threads and seen the phrase that "something clicks"! Well, something has clicked with me! I think of her about twice a day instead of 24/7 and those feelings soon go! Is it the fact that I gave her an ultimatum this time and stood my ground?

Whatever it was either something clicking or me being assertive and taking control I don't know but it has worked.

I am now a fully paid up member of the ANCC! Thanks for your support guys, I mean that.

July 17, 2005
9:34 am
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exoticflower
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Will, so glad to see this 'click' for you, I know how hard it has been. Honestly, while I don't think our ex's are much alike, I do think that we have quite a bit in common in our own patterns with them...I wonder if there is some way we can use that?...:) At any rate, I'm so glad it isn't weighing so heavily on you. Keep doing whatever you have been, results are results!

The click is great, and staying busy for me has really made all the difference. Also, my next door neigbor has been letting me keep my phone in her mailbox durring bad itchy-finger times...silly, I know, but it would feel way sillier to go rooting around in my neigbors mailbox to chain call my ex! It's a funny thing though, when the urge passes, that's it, it's gone! I can get the phone without feeling embarrassed,waltz it on home and stick it on the receiver, no problems. Not even the slightest urge...the click is really great!

July 17, 2005
9:23 pm
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Welcome to this board happyfeet.

I'm sure the support and advice you will get on here will help you move on.

It's not easy to move on, but it can be done. It just takes a lot of time and tears.

I've been trying for over one year to move on. I have really good days where I don't even think about contacting him, and then there are the lousy days where I fall apart. I've gotten so much support on here, I don't think I could make it without all my wonderful cyber friends šŸ™‚

July 17, 2005
9:41 pm
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punjab
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July 17, 2005
9:42 pm
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punjab
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oops....sent a blank! lol..sorry

I don't belong here, but I am new and wanted to say I will be here one day when I can stop making contact....man it's hard....

July 17, 2005
9:43 pm
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Hi Hurts!!!

I just finished reading what's been going on with you over the past week while I've been away!!! My heart breaks for you!!! I have done the EXACT same thing as you... the e-mail, the card, the follow-up letter to the card and then the final text message to make all of the other stuff (that he never responded to) null and void!!!

I am crying on the inside for you right now!!!! I now how badly it hurts!!!! It feels like your heart has been ripped out... until you get a response from him and then it sort of gets shoved back into place, but not completely... it's still hanging out of your chest (a huge, gaping, open wound)... and what do we do???? We keep pouring salt into it???? Why????????

I am doing the same thing, sort of. He has never come out completely and said he doesn't want me (He's too much of a coward), but his actions are speaking volumes at this point.

I haven't contacted him since Wednesday night (that would be 4 days of no contact)... however, if I was to be totally honest... I DID call him, let his phone ring and hung up (blocking my number, of course). Why? I'm not sure.

Maybe he'd see the phone ringing and think of me? He'd then somehow feel compelled to call me???? Sick!!!!!!!
I know!

It's so embarrasing to admit those things. It is soooo irrational!!!!

But, anyway... my plan is to maintain no contact, but we all know how that goes. All I can say is that for the rest of this evening, I will not contact him.

Period.

Big hugs to you HSB!!!!!

(((((((((TC))))))))))))))

July 17, 2005
11:12 pm
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Welcome back TC šŸ™‚ I've missed you.
You are my "twin" on this rollercoaster ride from the dark side. And knowing you have done some of the same insane things I have done to get your ex back....well what can I say? I totally relate to you and I can make my confessions and know at least one person will understand my insanity....lol

This is my official Day 2 of no contact and it's killing me. You are so right about pouring salt into our wounds again as soon as they decide they want to contact us! It is truly pathetic. I guess you and I are hopeless romantics...we just never quite give up on our fantasies.

By the way, I have thought about the "call and hang up" game, but so far I've been to much of a coward to do that, because if I did, I'd probably sent him another text message apologizing for that!!!! Geez, who is the bad guy in this? Wasn't HE the one that dumped me and only wants to be friends? I will never understand how a man can go from "I love you and I want to marry you" to "I just want to be friends" in a matter of a week or two.

Sigh....but it doesn't matter....I'm just venting. What does matter is that I remain strong, even though all I want to do is call him and talk to him - but I can't.

Thank you TC for your kind words and your awesome support. Let's make tomorrow and tonite another "no contact" moment. šŸ™‚

{{{Hugs}}}

Congratulations on 4 days of no contact. I know that must have been hard on you. Keep up the good work.

July 17, 2005
11:22 pm
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You all have encouraged me so, that I have had the courage all week, 7 days, without contacting him. He is online constantly, as am I, but neither one of us is saying a word. We have done this before until one of us gets "weak". Because of you guys, I believe I can keep going. I really don't even miss him yet. He has less of a life than I do, so I hope he's had a LOT of time to think things over. The next contact we have will be direct and to the point (as far as I'm concerned). I've had all week to get my ducks in a row, and I feel empowered to say the right things without falling apart. I love him, but I'm not gonna sit by and watch him self-destruct. He can do that without me!!!

July 18, 2005
6:25 am
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willitgetbetter
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Hi guys, how you all doing today. Day 5 for me and I feel brilliant. I had a call from her today. Her number came up on my mobile and I had great pleasure in rejecting the call! Have I turned things around by giving her the ultimatum, it looks that way. What goes around comes around as they say. It feels so good to be in control.

Have a good day and i'll be back later.

July 18, 2005
8:07 am
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Saturday was my 6 week mark. I'm not sure I can say things are better.. I still wish she would contact me. I won't contact her because I don't want the pain of contact. She obviously has no desire to hear from me or know anything about my life. Makes me wonder if she ever had any feelings for me...

I have thought so many times about calling her work number when she's not there just to hear her voice message.. I'm just afraid it would leave a bigger lump in my throat.. I have also thought about blocking my number and calling to see if she's at her condo (with her boyfriend). I don't want the pain of actually having her answer and hearing voices in the background.

I have been keeping very busy.. Even dating some. But, the dates don't stack-up and I feel worse the day after. I think TC mentioned how you compare EVERY move they make with your ex.. It's so true.. I'm thinking I may not be ready to date. Thought it would do me good. I'm not sure it has...

Oh well... needed to get that out..

Frayed

July 18, 2005
9:15 am
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Hi all...

Welcome back tc! Hope your vacation was wonderful.

Frayed--I totally agree with you, I don't think I am ready to date either. I want the companionship to take my mind off of my grief, but I don't want the obligations of dating. Some would disagree, but there ARE obligations. Better to allow yourself to grieve the loss--and also--no contact allows us to grieve. It lets the process run its course. By contacting them, we are holding on to some sort of hope for a reunion or comfort from them. They have made it clear to us that they wish to move on. The only way that we can accept that is to allow ourselves to grieve them properly--as morbid as this may sound--as in death.

So anyway--that's where I am today. I realize that my constant crying these past 3 weeks is because I am in full-blown grief mode. I know I am where I need to be, even though it is very painful, and very necessary. I have not contacted him for 7 weeks.

TC and hurts--I was reading a book this weekend about addictive love and the addictive personality. The obsession with contact is commonly called "acting out". The person is conflicted between doing the healthy thing and performing the compulsive behavior--in the case of the no contacter's it's calling, e-mailing, texting, drive-by's, etc. Trying to justify this behavior in their minds is part of the compulsion. Not being able to find relief mentally, the individual "acts out" the compulsion in an effort to get relief. Always this relief is temporary, and the cycle is perpetuated by thoughts. Does this make sense?

--2b

July 18, 2005
9:40 am
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2B

I know I have this "dream" of a reunion.. her crawling back to me and telling me she made a huge mistake and wants me to take her back under whatever conditions I desire.. I have a better chance of winning the 2008 olympic decathalon.... Maybe I will set my sights on that...

Frayed

July 18, 2005
9:54 am
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Good Morning everyone!

This is the start of day 5 for me. It is soooo hard!!!!! I hardly slept at all last night and I have the upset stomach and lump in my throat again. I can't believe that everytime I think I am doing so well... I fall so hard!

I totally expected a text message from him when I came home from vacation... to make sure we made it back safely, ask about the trip, etc. NOTHING!!!!!

I am enraged! I hate the fact that he has discarded me, my feelings, my children, our relationship, everything!!! He has just closed the door on us and opened another one... I have no idea who he is seeing right now, but I KNOW (intuitively) that it has gotten physical because the last few text messages from him were very "friendly" and not sexual at all. Usually there would have been some sort of undertone... but there was nothing, just platonic chitchat. I feel like a heroin addict and he has been my supplier and one day, he just decided to shut me off!! I'm in withdrawals... and he's giving MY supply to someone else!!! I am so angry!!!!!!!

I read a post from KC this morning about her husband and the fact that he knew his girlfriend wanted a commitment from him but he didn't. Basically he said "That's HER problem".... he will continue to sleep with her, waste her time and lead her on until she decided she's had enough and then he'll just move on...He doesn't care! He's cold and selfish, as is my ex...

Ugh!!!! I have been such a fool!!!

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