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The "Absolutely No Contact" Club
July 13, 2005
7:39 pm
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cali ronin
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2 B:

acutally, I don't think it's EX after all. but how weird. anyways, NO CONTACT rocks! yeah! I like being "in control" in a very good way. how does everybody else feel?

ronin 🙂

July 13, 2005
7:41 pm
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Anonymous
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God-damned right it hurts. how long do you WANT to hurt? I wrote a twnety page letter to her talking about her every bad quality and how she had screwed me over....I mean really, really, really hateful stuff (no holds-barred) and read it over lots of days. It's kind of chicken-shit coping device that only fills the gap for a a little while at first (and has destructive properties in and of itself) but it kept me from trying to pick up the phone/keyboard/car keys, whatever. I ditched the 20 pager as I found it's only value was to avoid the volitional contact and that I could, left to my own devices, expend as much energy dwelling on it as I did wishing I were still with her and it seemed kind of ridiculous.

Get busy with something --- that means leaving your computer screen and DOING something. Can be anything, just do something. I love 12 step meetings, my flavor is AA, but there are tons of them. mow the yard, clean your closets, chop down a tree, go fishing, listen to John Hooker and BB KING really fucking loud. Do something weird, do something you never thought you'd ever do...take a flying lesson (go to your airport RIGHT NOW and tell them you want an introductory flight, it'll cost you $50 and if your lucky you'll barf up enough to keep you busy detailing the guys plane for the next several hours --- stop at Wendy's for a double order of chili and dump a half a bottle of tobassco in before you eat --- then the pain will be lower in your abdomen and the mess in the airplane will take twice as long to clean up....and you'll be on the shitter half the night wondering if you dare go to bed lest you have to wash the sheets AGAIN. Anyway you go here, your doing something that is not her.

Good luck.

July 13, 2005
8:01 pm
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willitgetbetter
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CD, I just got off the phone from the Samaritans, but boy you made me laugh! I've had flying lessons! I mowed the lawn today, Cant do Tobasco, (but i;ll try!!!)I just need a laugh and you have given that to me!

July 14, 2005
12:11 am
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Anonymous
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Perfect --

I don't know how you manage the no-contact in that kind of proximity and the no-contact. My first instinct would be to quit the job and find another one where she wasn't but that's probably not an option for you (and I've always been self-employed and could control who was there and who wasn't so my opinion on re-locating employment has to be tempered by that) -- but, it might be a good opportunity for you to go out and do whatever it is that you always wanted to try but couldn't fit it in (in terms of career)...unless you are already doing that.

I believe there is truth in cali ronin's words and my personality is such that I don't believe I could turn away from her in the hall -- don't think I'd have any kind of discussion with her but I would certainly try to be 'above the fray.' And I think I could not sit in the same cubicle with her...not sure how to handle that but it seems like some sort of assertiveness is in order (tell them to ditch the cubicle for their project or leave it to do someting outside of the box). Your willingness to 'be there for her' seems like 'willingness to be her rescuer.' Is it possible that her tough times are something she needs to go through on the authority of her own choices?

Mine was a relationship that had 1500 miles of middle US between us except on the several occassions we would meet (four or five times a year) and was mostly telephone, email and so on so I don't have even any risk of crossing her path. I feel for you buddy and I wish you strength.

July 14, 2005
12:20 am
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Anonymous
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Just saw my previous post about the twenty page hate-letter I wrote and used to remind me how bad things had become (so I wouldn't try to contact her) and forgot to put in the most important part. I DID NOT SEND IT TO HER. If anyone uses this as something for coping because they read it here, please, please, please don't even think about sending the letter to the object of the letter --- if I had ever intended to send it I don't think I could have been as free in the writing and that would have dilluted the coping effect I sought....and sending it would serve NO PURPOSE other than to try to make her feel bad. Trying to control how she feels is part of my co-dependency and does neither of us any good. As much as I would love to make her cry and apologize and beg her way back into my heart, that does nothing for me except feed my co-dependency .... and would probably blow up in my face. There is nothing good that could come from sending the letter, so I didn't; and, I threw it away before I got too tempted.

Thanks and sorry for the oversight in the first post.

July 14, 2005
6:13 am
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willitgetbetter
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13 hours so far and getting very weak. I so want to speak to her but know I can't.

July 14, 2005
9:05 am
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2bstrong
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Willit--Remember this pain! Because you don't want to go throught this ever again!!!!!!!

This woman used you. Do what CD did and write your Rant letter.

13 hours is awesome! Do you think you can make 14? I think you can. Willit you WILL make it. The pain diminishes, remember how good you were beginning to feel when she was out of your life?

c-dad: Thank you, thank you for your emphatic posts. Those were awesome to rally all of us!!!

July 14, 2005
9:08 am
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frayedknot
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WGB

Hang in there buddy...

Seems like I remember in a previous thread that a new lady was interested in you and she had some good qualities? How are things going with the new lady? Focus on her or work or call/meet some buddies or family.. Go to a movie.. Read a book..

What part of the world are you in WIGB?

frayed

July 14, 2005
9:22 am
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2bstrong
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frayed--How are you this morning? I had the usual drive to work where I try to convince myself that I should call or e-mail him.

July 14, 2005
9:27 am
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frayedknot
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2B

Hard to believe!!!!! I just asked you those questions and gave you my answers in your thread!!!! We sure do think alike.... Rather than repeat, please check the 2B thread...

Frayed

July 14, 2005
4:50 pm
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Willit --

I hope you are still with us but I am concerned as it should now be twenty something hours and there is no post since the 13 hour one....perhaps the tobasco was not a good idea, you're an old man, remember? (smiling)

Doing for others sometimes helps. Find a post on here that talks about something you've been through and then write for the benefit of someone else.

I started this no-contact in May and then caved about ten days in for about another twenty days before it became really obvious that no-contact was the ONLY WAY and started this current run. The pain was every bit as bad in June but, one day at a time, it has gotten better...really has. i read as much co-dependency stuff as i could find/buy/steal looking for some kind of way to at least manage the pain but it only seemed to get worse. And, it didn't get better until I started doing. I was told to go to my AA sponser and beg him to take me back; make an appointment with a psychologist and go to a butt-load (legal term, sorry) of meetings. I did all three...a lot and I did all the stuff I suggested in my previous post (lots of trees in my pasture met an early demise....LOTS of them) Well, cept for the flying stuff but i'm not sure why I didn't go that route....and the tobasco (I'm way too old for that [same smile]....besides, the emotional turmoil affected my lower tract enough all by itself, spewing fire wouldn't have been all that much of an additive -- okay, would have been entertaining, but I'm still glad I didn't do it).

Be well and please try to hang with it a little while longer...or start again if you need to (I got a million ideas of stuff to do).

This has, on occassion, served me well: "Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood; never go there alone" I am constitutionally incapable of 'thinking' my way out of the pain or whatever other situation my insanity has set up. My thinker works great but it needs to be embarrassed a little by speaking up and letting people in or it turns into the justification-freight-train from hell. You are not alone, but you have to keep it that way.

July 14, 2005
6:42 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi my fellow club members,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to resign from this club. I am a total wuss and cannot abide by the no contact rule.

Yep, I send him a card not more than an hour ago. He received it, but he hasn't replied. So what do I do? I sent him another email. I am so angry at myself right now, I don't know what to do. It's like I get obsessed with him and I cannot function without sending him a note.

I know how he feels - he's told me plenty of times. He wants to remain friends....I keep wanting more and I'm not shy about telling him so.

Now that I've blown it on Day 6 -- how do I correct my mistake? Send him an email and tell him to forget I ever wrote...lol...(I know that wouldn't work).

I am so depressed and frustrated right now.

July 14, 2005
7:14 pm
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frayedknot
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HSB

No worries... You're welcome back in the club... start a new string now.. DON'T send any emails/cards to correct your "mistake"... You did what your heart wanted you to do.. That's not a mistake. Now, you realize it might not have been the best thing to do.. So... just learn from it and move on to tonight and tomorrow.

Frayed

July 14, 2005
7:35 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks Frayed for your support and not lecturing. I know what I did was dumb. I just couldn't control the urge. I'm positive I'll be okay for tonite because I'm too afraid to send any more notes. He might really think I've gone over the edge.

Tomorrow, I will try force myself to post on here whenever I get the urge....be prepared for a ton of posts 🙂

July 14, 2005
8:00 pm
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frayedknot
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HSB

Post away.. All night and all day tomorrow..

I understand the urge very well... KC's thread aboout the urge to contact hits me right between the eyes. I don't want her telling her friends that I just don't know when to give-up, etc. And, if I get back with my ex.. I want it to be on my terms.. Therefore, she would have to pine for me to get me back.. And, most importantly, I want to show myself that I have the strength to keep my promise. I promised myself I would be strong and not chase her.

You're in the early stages of no contact. It's hard as hell, HSB. When you get the urge, post or call family or friends. I drove people crazy the first few weeks. Thank god they were understanding. I still do that to a degree. I'm better, however.

We're all pulling for you HSB and we want you to grow to be a happier, healthier, HSB

(((((HSB)))))

Frayed

July 14, 2005
10:34 pm
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Prefect
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Thanks, CD. You hit it right onthe head. I want to be her rescuer. I've been that way for years, and she's not the first. I know I can't, though. I just have to let her go. She walked up to me again today while I was pulling something off of our network printer. I just turned and walked away. I can't even face her right now, even though I really want to.

Willit, I feel for you. I wish I could offer some good advice, but I'm just like you. Anyway, we just have to let go, don't we? It does get better, by the way. I've been here before. You learn to expect it after a while. Sometimes when they leave it's a huge relief, because you know you can't help them. Other times it really hurts because you think you can...

July 14, 2005
11:00 pm
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Anonymous
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Perfect --

I feel for you buddy. I hate to feel like I am somehow lesser or subservient when I run into the object of my codep (not the most current one but in the past). I don't know if that's the way you feel and I'm probably transposing my past on your current. When I am the rescuer, I am the hero and she is the subservient, helpless one -- not that I won't be that and hope she tries to rescue me but I hate the after-effect feeling. I would rather 1) avoid having to come into contact -- even if it's a head in the sand thing; or, 2) feign invulnerability. Neither is particularly healthy but I don't feel so much like a worthless piece of shit if I am at least putting on a brave front...maybe you are doing that when you turn away but my act would be to take the position that she is done hurting me and I will look her right straight in the eyes if I happen to cross paths.

When it is the other way, I feel like whale dung and am desperate for a rescue that might, but probably won't, come and if I get the rescue, I feel helpless and weak and inferior and inadequate and all that happy stuff. Don't want to feel that way anymore.

I'd still be seriously considering a new job; a transfer; something.

Good luck, my friend.

July 14, 2005
11:31 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Frayed,

When I read your posts about what you're going through and your feelings, I can see myself. Except I'm not as strong as you are. I don't want to be chasing after my ex - I would much rather have him realize that he still wanted me and pursue me.

Unfortunately I don't think that's going to happen. I think he's perfectly happy just being my friend. Trouble is - I want more.

I've been thinking about ways to make myself stop writing and I suppose to a certain degree justify what I did today. I was totally honest in my email to him today - even wrote a poem for him, so he now knows once again, how I feel for him. This is a good place to stop and let him make the next move if he wants to.

Even if I never hear from him again, I know that I have done all I can to make my feelings clear to him -- he will never have to wonder how I really felt. Somehow that makes me feel more content with this situation. I can't really explain why....but it does.

I just hope that I will have enough strength tomorrow and all the days after to not write.

I have to be honest here Frayed. I really admire your determination not to give in and call your ex, even though you would like nothing better. You are hurting so much, yet you remain strong and determined. I think that's wonderful. It shows what a great person you are 🙂

Maybe you can throw some of that strength and determination my way? 🙂

July 15, 2005
2:09 am
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I C Gold
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Can we start a club of "Kids Issues" only contact club?

I had someone tell me-because my soon to be X likes to "throw her my face" that if any sentence he stated to me didn't start with our daughters name and followed with, "needs, wants, has to have" did, didn't go" etc...then to ask him what this has to do with her and STOP it right there. This friend told me that to allow him to do this to us gives him the "power" to continue to hurt us!!

July 15, 2005
7:53 am
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frayedknot
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HSB

Thank you for your nice words..

It may not be my strength as much as my fear that keeps me from contact. As you know.... rejection/one sided relationships are so very painful. I don't want to stay feeling this way. When I had contact with her for a little over a week (post break-up), and even through our last few weeks of our relationship, I was analyzing all communication. We tend to overanalyze and look for them to "throw us a bone" of hope. And, generally, they will do it.. Most people like to have someone pining for them while they pursue their own interests.. It's a confidence plug for them. I don't want to stay in that place. The more contact we keep, the more they occupy our mind.

If my ex is going to come back, keeping no contact will force her to make her decision a little faster. If she knows I'm hurting and wanting her, she can take her own sweet time... Have her cake and eat it to.. If she doesn't hear from me, she has to wonder what I'm doing.. Am I happy?.. Do I care for her anymore, etc.? However, I really believe she has just moved on and I wasn't the one for her. A hard pill to swallow, but, it's my dose of reality. If that's the case, why waste my time and energy chasing a shadow? We must move on, HSB. Soon, you will come to that conclusion for yourself. Keep posting and reading here. This place has truly given me the strength to overcome my urges...

If you reread your post to me, the key is in your statement.. You think he wants to be friends.... the trouble is, you want more. We must accept that if our wants don't match up with theirs, we can't change theirs.. only ours.. Work really hard on redirecting your want of him.. It's the only way you can release yourself from the hold you are giving him over you.. You have the strength inside HSB.. Use your inner strength to change your thoughts about him..

Frayed

July 15, 2005
8:34 am
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kc30
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Hurts,
Don't beat yourself up for contacting him. I firmly believe that no contact will only work for each of us when we finally understand that the pain of letting go of that person is far less than the pain of contact. I would guess that you still believe it hurts less to contact him than it does to accept that the relationship will never, ever be what you want.

When you get to that point, you will no longer contact. Until then...you may fall down a few more time. No biggie!! Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and pick up where you left off.

I can't help but wonder...do you really think it's about "the guy" at this stage? It's been over a year since you were involved intimately. That means you have not had any of your needs met by him for a very long time.

Is it possible it's more about being addicted to him...to the ups and downs that come with this situation? The extreme highs and lows that come from pining for a man who is not available, being thrown a bone here and there, then being let down and constantly feeling victimized and hurt? It seems like it's keeping you from living an independant life your focus is on him rather than on you?

Does any of this make any sense or am I just talking out of my butt today?

Anyways, the main point is please don't be hard on yourself! You are fine and you will be fine 🙂 Post away honey!!

(((hugs)))

kc

July 15, 2005
10:34 am
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exoticflower
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Hey everyone.

I've found that for me it works better to keep my mind off of the issue of contact, it helps aleviate that ich. His grandmother was in the hospital so I sent him an email along with a bunch of other people in his family on our daughters behalf, but didn't look back. For some reason I'm feeling really good about this now, have not had ANY contact except that one thing for 13 days. No e-mails, no drink'n'dials, no callnig to hear his voicemail and hanging up, no excuses, nothing. I don't know what happened, something inside of me just CLICKED, and i realized the reality--all of our contact was a lie, something to make me feel like he was there or part of my life, part of a family that he hasn't been for years. I can CAN be alone, in the fundemental ways I have been this whole time, now I'm just saving on long distance.

Just wanted to pass that on really quickly. Hurts, I was contacting this guy every three days it seems, and now I am so glad i did, because I wasn't ready then and it took what I have learned from all of those contacts to really let go and be ready. It'll happen for you, just try every time, and once it will stick.

July 15, 2005
10:53 am
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blondebunny
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This is great, I could REALLY use some support. I've been trying to practice NC since late May, but have broken down 3 times, most recently yesterday. 🙁 I need to get back on the bandwagon. Any tips for making it stick? Good luck everyone!

July 15, 2005
11:04 am
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2bstrong
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Hurts---You are always welcome here. Regardless of how many times you contact, or how long you may go without contacting.

Are you seeing a counselor or have you joined a support group? I know for the recovery process, those things have helped me. I know dustygirl has joined a love addicts support group and she has a sponsor. She said it has helped her immensely.

Thinking of you--2b

July 15, 2005
11:18 am
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2bstrong
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exotic~ you go girl. I am so proud of you. YOu are well on your way with the beautiful healthy attitude you have.--2b

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