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The "Absolutely No Contact" Club
July 13, 2005
9:39 am
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frayedknot
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We were in touch... every day.... every night.. in every way.

Her gentle kisses... her longing looks... the hugs we shared... the love we took.

Now she's gone... without a trace.. She's disappeared.. this I must face.

I must be strong.. I cannot wither.. I will move forward... to independence I hither..

I will be happy... there is no shame... I lost my lover... alcohol is to blame..

Life's not over... it's just begun.. I have a wonderful daughter... and two fine sons.

Tomorrows promise... is what I seek....I will continue to grow.... week to week..

Frayed

July 13, 2005
9:54 am
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2bstrong
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Frayed, your poetry is beautiful. What a heart-felt expression of tenderess and strength.

You are moving forward, do you feel it?

(((frayedknot))) from 2b

July 13, 2005
10:02 am
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frayedknot
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2B

Yes... I am moving forward.. not in leaps and bounds, but it is measurable...

I'm trying to change a few things about my life. I want to be a little more adventerous.. Live more for today.. Yet, keep the long range plans in perspective..

Tonight.. wine tasting in a new bar close to my place.. A franchise called "The Grape" has opened. My buddy and I are going to pretend we are sophisticated connoiseurs.

How was your night?

Frayed

July 13, 2005
10:21 am
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Rasputin
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Hi Dear Cyber Friends,

I am proud to say that I would love to join you on this thread. I have not contacted that guy for the last 7 months.

I pray if he is not the right guy, I will continue to do so.

Thank you guys for the support, love and encouragement. You are amazing!!!
Thank you 2B for starting this thread.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

July 13, 2005
11:07 am
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2bstrong
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Hi frayed...

Wow, you always do fun things! I need to find a wine tasting in town, I know that a local specialty grocery has them, just haven't had the motivation to look into it. Do you think I could do something like that by myself because I really don't have many women friends? I have a man friend who likes to do that sort of thing...but...that gets complicated because he is very jealous when I talk to other men. *Sigh.

Last night I went to the counselor and had a good talk about ex. There is so much, frayed. At the end of the session the counselor said I have lost my sense of self. I was always doing and being what I thought I should be for him, instead of what I wanted to be. I gave too much. I know that, but I thought that's what love is about. Still peeling away the layers on that one. All of those years!

I didn't go to the gym. It was rainy thanks to hurricane Dennis, so it seemed like a good night to relax. I did nothing. Again, I had chocolate and nuts for dinner. That is not good two nights in a row!

Tonight I am going to the gym, and have plans to meet my sister and her daughter for dinner.

Thank you for asking about me! It means a lot to me...2b

July 13, 2005
1:14 pm
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frayedknot
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2B

I guess this guy friend would like your relationship to be a little more committed than suits you?

You could go alone.. Find out when it starts and ends.. Get there at about the midpoint. It would be better to ask a coworker to join you.. It's usually after work.. The Grape is a franchise. See if there are any in St. Louis.

I didn't get to the gym last night either. Picked up my son at the airport and took he and his brother to dinner. I felt guilty because I'm going out tonight and won't have time to do cardio... I will get some strength training done...

I have mixed feelings about some of the advice we get from counselors. I still want to do things for my partner and hope to continue to get joy from that. In addition, I hope my partner feels the same way about giving to me. It just needs to be a give and take atmosphere. I guess the key is not to rely on those actions and our partners responses as our sole indicator of our self worth.

You're welcome... regarding asking about you.. :o)

Frayed

July 13, 2005
1:25 pm
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2bstrong
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frayed,

Will look into The Grape--although STL is a small city. Probably not here yet or I would have heard of it.

Actually my man friend is an ex from about 14 years ago. He's 9 years older than me, never been married. Yes, he does have feelings for me--but I make it very clear that I am not interested in an initmate relationship with him. Sometimes it is difficult. On Sunday I told him I thought it might be a good idea if we didn't see each other for a while. Did you ever have a friend who was a woman? Friend only? No benefits?

July 13, 2005
1:52 pm
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frayedknot
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2B

In high school, I had two female friends who were very good friends with no benefits. In fact, I went to prom and shared an overnight tenting experience with one of them.

From college forward, I have always been with a special lady.. I didn't maintain those kind of relationships because they are stressful to a partner..

Now, I'm trying to build those kind of relationships. However, I'm finding the females are very aggressive and want more than friendships even when I make that clear from the beginning. Much like the male friend you are referring to.

STL is much larger than Jax.. I'm sure you have several wine bars... I will do a quick internet search...

Frayed

July 13, 2005
1:55 pm
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cali ronin
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hey all:

i'm going on 3 weeks!! yahoo!!

how about everyone else?? also, thanks to everyone here, you guys are awesome.

July 13, 2005
1:58 pm
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2bstrong
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Good going, cali! Glad to hear you are doing so well, too.--2b

July 13, 2005
2:01 pm
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2bstrong
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Rasputin:

Congratulations! Seven months of no contact. I hope you are in a good place with all of it. The right man is out there for you, and there are no accidents. He will come into your life when you are perfectly ready.

2b to self: I am say that for you too.

July 13, 2005
2:05 pm
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2bstrong
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I am so glad to hear you say that about opposite sex relationships being stressful to a partner. My ex had a woman friend who was married, but he would always go out with she and her friends for drinks. I was never invited when it was just the girls--only when her husband was invited. It hurt my feelings a lot. And I thought it was a bit strange. What if I had said: "I'm meeing Biff and all of his buddies for some drinks tonight after work." That is what he would do.

July 13, 2005
2:10 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi Everyone,

Good to read that so many of you are doing great with the no contact. Even though it's painful...it's for the best. You will benefit from it.

I'm going on Day 5 and I'm feeling okay. Still kind of empty inside and wishing things were different. Sigh

July 13, 2005
2:16 pm
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frayedknot
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If I were dating you and you told me you were meeting Biff and his buddies, I would feel a little threatened unless I really understood your relationship with Biff and his gang and they posed no threat.. I have always said if my partners not welcome in mixed company, then I'm not welcome.. Of course, there can be some exceptions. A work group that goes out strictly as a work group. It is then my responsibility to help my partner feel like she can trust me..

I had this problem with my ex.. I had trust issues with her.. My counselor said you can't have intimacy without accountability..

July 13, 2005
2:20 pm
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frayedknot
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HSB & Cali

Congratulations on your committments. So glad you could join us.. Keep posting your feelings as oposed to making contact....

Frayed

July 13, 2005
3:17 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I just have to put in my two cents worth about significant others going out with "friends" of the opposite sex. I think that if it's only a "friendship" that's going on, you should be able to bring along your s/o...and they should be made to feel welcome.

If that creates a "problem" then I would tend to think there's more than meets the eye. Unless of course, like frayed mentioned, it's a work group...that might be different. I've been obligated to go to dinner with a group from work. I didn't necessarily like it, but sometimes it's very necessary for business.

July 13, 2005
3:29 pm
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cali ronin
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speaking of accidents, you guys have got to hear something absolutely CRAZY:

I have been, well let's be honest, chasing after this EX of mine. I never really got over him. so, I gave up. started the "no contact" mantra, because he was never coming back. sooo..... I joined some chat-room online, and this guy started talking to me. after talking to him for about a week, i think it's my EX. how weird, huh/ the thing that's even weirder, is that this guy keeps dropping "hints" about his identiy, and talks to me like he knows personal info about me. talk about a coincedence, eh?

cali~

July 13, 2005
3:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello boys and girls. My absolute no-contact began on June 9, 2005, and has been continuous except for one email she sent me sometime in the middle of june and to which I did not respond.
she has not attempted contact and I'm not sure what to do if/when she does...actually, I know what to do it's whether I have the strength and ability to do it.

My struggle with the no-contact was/is harder than my abstinence from alcohol or mood altering substance. I don't remember when the alcohol urge left me but it was never a compulsion after I made the decision not to drink. The co-dependency contact compulsion was a veritable ocean of compulsion to maintain contact even though I was being treated like a dung-pile, that is jeopardized my family and everything I held dear. I am hoping there is strength in numbers...as I have found with the posts here and the longevity of absent contact. I still have the thought to call her but the compulsion has lost some of it's steam. Thank you for that (Exotic Flower, special thanks to you for kicking my head off last month when I reported the email she had sent...I needed that).

July 13, 2005
3:48 pm
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frayedknot
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C-Dad

Congratulations on no contact. Especially not returning her contact. My ex doesn't pose that problem for me.

I agree about the strength in numbers. That's exactly where I get my willpower..

Frayed

July 13, 2005
3:53 pm
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2bstrong
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Thanks hurts. I agree, unless it is work related (which in the case of my ex, it was not) then the door should be open for everyone.

cali--that is weird. How can you find out if it is your ex? Or can you without giving up your personal info?

hi c-dad--someone else on this site has said that breaking no contact was much more difficult than substance abstinence because emotions and feelings are involved. I do believe there is strentgh in numbers, although if any of us fall off of the wagon, there is plenty of understanding. Keep up the good thoughts. I am in the same place, I think about it all of the time, but no compulsion.--2b

July 13, 2005
7:00 pm
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willitgetbetter
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I really need to rejoin! I had my last contact with her less than 20 minutes ago and we said a proper goodbye. My heart is breaking but I know it is the right thing to do. Please help me, I am a 45 year old guy sobbing his heart out and I really need help

July 13, 2005
7:02 pm
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willitgetbetter
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Fuck the last poem I need to send you, fuck the picture I have to return to you, fuck the door keys in fact fuck off! I am in a mess guys I am so so so sorry for the language

July 13, 2005
7:14 pm
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Anonymous
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willit --

it has for me and I'm on day thirty-something. for me, the only way it was going to come together was absolutley no contact. Kind of like a drink. I have never been a social drinker and know that I'm not cut that way...same with my compulsion with her. i tried it the other way, even considered the 'just friends' bullshit (she suggested, I considered). thankfully, this time, so far, she has not attempted to contact me. i wish that for you, my friend --- another 45 year old guy nursing a broken heart.

stay busy, join AA/Alanon, go to a meeting twice a day -- even if you don't think you qualify, get a sponser, call your sponser, take up rock-climbing (no-shit, hard to be obsessed about anything but staying alive hanging off a cliff).

and, your 45 years old, stop the shit about you have to give her all this shit or do all this shit to undo some spell....you are not in junior high anymore. throw the shit away or put it in a God-box or some other place where you will never, ever, get it back. Do not send her anything...if she left it, it's yours or garbage ---not hers anymore. if you decide it's yours and not garbage, it REALLY IS GARBAGE, get rid of it, burn it.

be well. yes it will.

July 13, 2005
7:18 pm
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willitgetbetter
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CD, I'm gonna miss her so much. This is so painful. It was my final goodbye and i just can't stop the tears. IT HURTS what can I do

July 13, 2005
7:28 pm
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Prefect
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I wish I had all of your determination. I work with her. I haven't made any contact myself for about three weeks, but twice she's tried to talk to me in the hall. I just turned my head, but I get this knot in my stomache. It's hard to take. I share a cubicle with another guy. Today she came and sat with him for about an hour to work on a project. It was all I could do to keep my back to her. This is really hard for me. I'm having trouble convincing myself it's for the best, because she's going through some very hard times right now and I believe she needs me. I want to help, but she's the one who told me to go away.

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