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That crucial moment...
March 8, 2007
11:49 am
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livvy
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Hi everyone, I am new to the board.
I have been recovering from co-dependancy for about six months. I have good weeks and bad weeks. My biggest challenge is that I never figure out that I am acting in a codoep way until the next morning after I have blown everything out of proportion and re-acted to my fear. It is then that i am left with such horrible feelings and I know that I have done made things worse for myself and for my partner. It feels awful!

I am trying to find a strategy ot technique that I could use to stir myself into seeing at that crucial moment before my fears get the best of me that it is ME who has to do the loving, soothing, and comforting of my scared child self. That what I need to make me feel better can not come from my partner - only from me.

I need a trigger to help me realise when this is happening. I do not seem to trust myself until it is too late. I am so worried that someone will hurt me, looking to see if I am being wronged or mistreated, I am so busy trying to protect myself from an imaginary enemy that I do not even realize that I am the enemy. Attacking my own self worth, and frustrating the hell out of my very loving and supportive partner. I do not want to wreck this relationship - I just feel safer when pushing people away. Nothing ventured really is nothing gained. I must risk.

Does anyone have any ways that they cue themselves to realise this in that crucial moment?

Thanks,
livvy

March 8, 2007
2:47 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I dont have time to post right now but I can say welcome and give hugs (((livvy))))

March 8, 2007
2:54 pm
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soprano2
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livvy-

I know how you feel about being your own worst enemy. It is very hard to stop that. I stil struggle with this every day of my life, and I will continue to struggle with it, but I am learning.

I have learned over time that when I start to play the "what if" game with myself, I am in trouble. I start to worry and distrust, and then I start to try and control everything that I can so that I can be prepared for the stuff that I cannot control. What an awful horrible cycle this has been for a very long time.

My counselor gave me the advice to change my thinking process when I start to do this. Instead of saying "what if,", I am supposed to say "what is the worst that could happen." Then I have a chance to weigh some true options. Most of the time I have found that my options aren't quite as horrible as if I play the what if game.

I am not sure if that is what you are after, but please feel free to explain your situation more. There are many people here that will listen, give advice and give cyber hugs when needed.

s2

March 8, 2007
2:58 pm
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2alone
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Very good question... I can't wait to hear what others have to say. I wish I could say that my worries don't rule my life - but they do.

Today I was feeling like a victim - poor me - look what my exhusband is doing to me and our children. Then I said - stop! how can I modify my behavior and stop feeling and being responsible for his misbehavior. I've come up with a plan. It won't hurt anyone. It might be uncomfortable for all of us - but in the end I'm taking back my power and controlling only myself. Suddenly I'm feeling a 100% better about the day. I think if I work on slowing down and coming up with more than the first option that pops into my head I will see my co-dep issues lessen over time... just a thought

March 8, 2007
3:01 pm
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soprano2
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What is your plan? I would love to read it, 2alone. I think that you and I could really get some things from each other.

s2

March 8, 2007
3:33 pm
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on my way
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I was very hard on myself...as from your post you seem to be too! 🙂

A few things about codependency is that we are too hard on ourselves, we expect way too much, way too fast. And realistically, if you are realizing some things the next morning, that is a whole lot better than some who may not recognize their behavior until a month later or longer!! ...so give yourself some credit there, ok? It takes time. I remember being in a relationship with a man very dear to me, and i was very codependent. It was always the next day that I realized what I had done...then I apologized profusely because I didn't want him to think badly of me...it was a horrible, vicious circle for me. I look back and think wow, was that really who I was? Not so much codependent now, but I have other characteristics that could be mended! 🙂 But some of my behavior was that I was a people pleaser as well, and I ended up acting in a way that was not really me. Does any of this sound familiar?

So try to be patient and gentle with yourself during this time...guilt and shame need to be stricken from your vocabulary too.

You'll be ok, the more you learn the more you will see yourself, and the more you will know how to help yourself.

March 8, 2007
4:13 pm
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livvy
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Wow!

I feel so very much better just knowing that there are people struggling with the same things. Thanks so much for all of your responses! And for the hugs Now I get what those brackets are for!
S2 - I am the "what if" game queen!I will look at it from that perspective now thanks:)
I'd be very interested in hearing your plan too 2 alone.

on my way-I really was feeling the guilt and you are right it is so useless and self defeating.

Wow you all will never know what this support means to me.
Thanks again,
livvy

March 8, 2007
9:51 pm
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soprano2
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That's what everyone is here for. Find some friends and stay connected. We help each other out any way we can.

Here's another hug for you.

(((livvy)))

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