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Thanks for Responding to SLR
December 26, 2003
3:22 pm
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slr
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Thanks everyone for responding to me...It feels so great for ONCE to actually talk with people who have experienced similar things. Let me fill you in a little more and tell you about Christmas...one of you asked if we had done counseling...yes..we have just started with our 3rd set of counselors...this first time, he showed up at our 3rd session very late and sat out in the parking lot..did not call me on my cell phone to tell me his truck would not crank..the counselor told me in private that he thought I should leave and give him the option of straightening up and if he did not..not to go back...I did not leave. Then we had problems again...mostly over money, or him being able to do things that he would fuss at me or the kids for doing, or him asking me questions and avoiding mine..or him not helping me with the baby, etc..we finally saw counselor #2...his father got worse and he was sitting with him every other night and said he did not have time for counseling...in private, he also advised me to leave if he did not change because I was going to "lose myself" if I did not. The fist counselor said "His rigidity scares me"..what do you suppose the exact meaning of this two statements were? I thought I understood, but the more I think the more I wonder the depth of them. Now, about the abuse...I have to admit..I do start to shout..usually he does first, and if he cusses me, then I point my finger, sometimes in his face and tell him..YOU ARE NOT going to cuss me and I am NOT your dog, nor your mother..You are treating me like you father treats G (his stepmom) and I WILL not put up with it"..but I guess I have for four years. When the baby was born, he made short visits to the hospital and one night did not even come, even though the baby was in NICU..I found out he had been home watching porno and drinking and grilling..what kind of father does this when his baby is sick? And he never wanted to have sex with me..only about once every 6-8 weeks. I am 11 years younger than him (me-36, him 47)...I have cried myself to sleep many nights over this, and he knows it. This same thing happened AGAIN when she was 3 months old and went back in the hospital..WHY? I have won beauty pageants, I have men after me almost everywhere I go. I am not conceited or stuck on myself, I actually would love to change many things about my looks, but he makes me feel sooo fat! He told me once that he might be more attracted to me if I took more pride in the way I looked and that he had never been attracted to fat women...I had just had a baby a few months prior!...I do need to lose a little weight, but many other men still find me attractive and NO ONE seems to think he is nice looking and certainly not in shape! I do love him..I desperately WANT him to change..I just don't think he will. He did spend Christmas with us..bought me nice gifts and even stayed with us over night and most of the next day...this is only the 2nd weekend in almost 10 weeks that he has spent any quality time with us..could he be making an effort? Last Sunday he lost it once and started talking to me in that loud hateful tone...it ruined the whole weekend, but so far this holiday is going nice..he just left and ask us to go out to eat and to a move...(me and the baby)..the other 2 children are at their fathers. He just does not ever seem to be involved with them at all and they do not like him..they say that when he is nice he's okay, but that is not very often. I definately do not want to end up dead..He's not real big, but I know he could hurt me..when he has become physical, I have had a bruise or two (my arms) but he says he has NEVER done this with anyone and that I push him to this point because I wont walk away and just leav him alone...but if I do, he WINS, the issue will never be allowed to be brought back up, he will never apologize and he will continue doing the very thing/things that caused the argument...THanks for listening and offering advice..I value each and every input..I really do.

December 26, 2003
3:57 pm
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Zinnie
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HI S.,

This man from everything you have written in dangerous. He is physically abusive at worst, and when he is not physcially abusive, he is mean to you and your children. Why expose yourself or your children to this?

He could only come for short visits while you were in the hospital? HIS child was in NICU and he was not there? What is the story with that? Sorry, no sympathy for him at all. He was home drinking and watching porn while you were both in the hospital. NO. Not acceptable at all.

My husband has a demanding job, actually that is an understatement. When I have been admitted to the hospital over these last few years - he has a cot brought in; and will work from my room if at all possible.

When our daughter was attacked - keep in mind this is a step-daughter for him, if I could not be there with her, he was. When the case went to trial, part of the reason it was prosecuted to zealously was because my husband found every law that he broke and could be held accountable for, and sat second chair.

What is his reason for not wanting to have sex with you? You indicate that you get attention from other men. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you substituting sexual attraction with love?

There was a time when I did this, and it was a hard lesson to learn. I mistook sexual attraction for love, and learned the hard way that they were two very different things indeed. But, the return of sexual gratification while loving your partner - there is nothing else on this Earth like that feeling of release, pleasure, and the pureness of love and joy when two people come together out of love and devotion to each other.

Has this always been the pattern of your life with him? Is he not a very sexual person? Or do you feel like he is putting you off due to your weight gain? I know for me, I have put on weight. Due to age, and surgeries and medications I do not feel attractive to my husband. Yet, when I ask him - he tells me I'm still beautiful (then again, he thought I still wore a size 10, which I might in my shoe!), and when he comes to me in bed he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Eye of the beholder. You make reference to him not being attractive or in shape, so what was the attraction?

Whatever choice you make, keep yourself safe. However, if even the counselors are seeing this, and warning you about his ridgitity - the unability or unwillingness to change so to speak - then perhaps it's time to take stock of the situation as a whole.

Zinnie

December 26, 2003
4:15 pm
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slr
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My stepfather has been a very good step father to me also..like you say your husband is. My mother says they have struggled and prayed about what to do and have ask God to help them do the right thing. My dad has wanted to "hurt" him but yet his Christian side, says just get her out of that situation and if he does anything else, then confront him. He had ask to go to my parents for Christmas and you know what..they said NO..and you know what else?..this may have been the best thing yet! They told me to explain to him that he had spoiled a family vacation for them, Easter and made a scene at the babies party, and they did not want their Christmas ruined..IF we worked things out, he would be welcome, but not until.
The porno thing puzzles me..but it seems almost everything he does is something along those lines, unexplainable and does not make sense. He has just in the past 4-6 months started taking up time with our baby (2 year old) and he has become pretty good with her...but that is the only area I have seen any significant improvement in...I think the sex thing has some to do with control and he says he is always tired...he has smoked for a long time and 2 doctors told him that his testosterone was low due to this..he promised me he would stop smoking before we got married..and numerous times since then..we have had MANY very bad arguements about this..one counselor told him that if smoking only had affected him, that I would not have the right to say much, but because it was ruining our sex life that I had the right to expect him to quit...

December 26, 2003
4:33 pm
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Zinnie
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And that is absolutely right, he has no right to ruin family holidays. Actually, your parents are being a lot nicer to him than I'm afraid I would be.

My son went to the prison on Monday to confront this man because of all the letters he has writen to our family. He told him up front - "you had better be happy the police found you before I did, because I would have killed you." His Father was that way as well. Protective of women, all women. You know why?

My first husband's step-father was abusive to his mother, and when she was not around he took it out on him. My husband was used as a punching bag, made to spend days in closets with no food and his own waste. Locked out of the house in the cold (in Ontario, Canada no less), left on the road side for sneezing in the car. His back used as a carving board, and then the final blow was when he beat his wife so badly he put her in the hospital, his step-father began sodomizing him. He was lucky in that when his Aunt and Uncle came through one year, they found out about this and took him home with them. To my husband's dying day he loved his Uncle Terry - worshipped the ground he walked on. When I first met him I thought "this is Uncle Terry?" he was so rough and gruff! But, you know what? He loved his wife, he loved his kids, he loved his nephew like a son, he loved his animals! And, he taught that to my husband. If my husband saw any woman being abused in any way shape or form, he would step in - whether he knew her or not. He was a big man. Close to 6'4, and 235 lbs. Solid as a rock.

He passed that down to my boys, who although I don't want them running around beating people up, I'm glad they will watch out for others.

Anyway, I need to sign off... I'm on a plane! I will be on later at home if you need to talk.

Love,

Zinnie

December 27, 2003
12:24 am
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slr
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Well, he ask me to go out to dinner and a movie..we went, and had a nice time (the 2 yr old was with us)..then he dropped us off at our new residence (the apartment) told me he was tired and left...I had thought he might "try" and initiate sex, but nope and while most women would be thankful, and not want him to touch them, it plays a "mind" game with me because he did not try anything...it's just like while we were married..and I hope I am not mistaking sexual intimacy for love as you mentioned..I thought all this time I loved him..but how do you love someone so "unloveable?....P.S. Did you have a good trip?

December 27, 2003
12:43 am
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Hi SLR,

Yes, thanks we had a wonderful trip. It was so good to see the kids and how well they are doing. I'm excited waiting for the birth of my son's twins. Expecting both a boy and a girl.

I'm happy to be home, but as always after returning from a trip, I'm having a hard time sleeping. So I popped on-line.

I'm glad to hear you had a nice time. What did you discuss? Anything? The only thing that worries me is that he knows where you live. Any time there abuse involved, things just worry me. Sorry. What do you think? Is he really willing to change? Go to counseling? Get the help he needs?

My daughter and I talked so much this week. I told her things, that in some ways I wish I had told her long before now. If she had known these things to look for, had she told me some of the things her boy friend did to her - perhaps she would not have been attacked as she was. It saddens me to see her go through this, and know that there is nothing more for her that we can do. We can only be there for her when she needs us.

Please, don't put yourself in her position. Just be careful, and seriously, if he will not get help - think of making the change permanent.

You say that he is unloveable. What attracted you to him in the first place?

Zinnie

December 27, 2003
1:09 am
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slr
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Zinnie...Congratulations! My best friend has twins and they are precious...

We never discussed any of our problems..we do go to our 2nd counseling session on Sunday. One of my Christmas gifts from him was a book that they wanted us to both read and discuss together..they gave us one copy and since we are seperated we needed a 2nd one, so he bought it for me. Just 2 weeks ago he said that I was 95% of our problem..so this in itself worries me..he's also made the statement that he does not see how these "Christian" counselors are going to help us. He claims to be a Christian but seems to see no wrong in anything he does...

What attracted me to him? Well, I thought he was kind of cute and he was so nice to me and my daughter (my 8 year old who was about 4 at the time)...well, I say nice, he just always told me she was the prettiest little girl he'd ever seen, he had never been around many children and therefore is not so good at inteacting with them. My first husband came from a similar situation as your husband (child abuse, etc.) and he is an excellent father..the background caused problems in our marriage and that is why that relationship ended. Anyway..my attraction to my present husband was a little bit physical and the way that I felt I had known him forever..he has so many ways like my Grandfather (whom I lived with as a child and loved DEARLY) I never saw a violent or explosive side to my Grandfather but my mother tells me he had one..I never knew! But many things my husband does, he does the way my Grandfather did and I just felt at home with him...

I just feel so confused all of the time..it's like one minute my mind is made up that it's over..then he's nice a does better (briefly) and my heart goes pitter patter again and I'm hooked. My mother says she thinks he gives me just enough to string me alone and that he is playing a game OR that since he is sooo tight with his money that maybe he does not want a divorce and be pinned down to an amount of child support to pay or risk losing some of his house or land...who knows..I have not figured out anything about him except he is strange and unpredictable..

December 27, 2003
1:26 am
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Zinnie
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Hi SLR,

Don't hate me for saying this... but "listen to your Mother!"

If he is unpredictable and strange as you put it, and not willing to really change, then there is no hope. As I told you earlier, I'm not one to ever speak up for leaving a marriage. I really think that too many do so too easily today. Marriage's are temporary because it is so easy to get out of in so many ways. Not to say that some people should stay. That's not it.

If there is abuse of any kind - emotional, mental, physcial, then it's time to leave.

It could be that exactly as your Mom say's - he is only giving you enough to keep you slightly content; for his own reasons. Control? Cheap? I don't know.

I guess the best thing to do right now is to continue with the counseling and see how it goes. If he will not go, then there is your answer. If he does go and will not change - again, he is toying with you only to get you back but with no intention of changing.

You said that your first marriage ended because of his childhood issue's. Did he get help for that? Did you guys work on the issues together? I'm glad that he is a good Father. What does he think about the situation? Will he help out in a pinch? If you need protection or help, can he be counted on?

To my knowledge (and according to his ex-wife) my husband never got any type of formal counseling, but learned from his Uncle how to be a "good man" as he put it. His Uncle was a dear... when I met him he was so gruff, but oh boy could he pull a charmer act! Kissed my hand... told my husband "good thing I love your Auntie boy... I might just ask this one out meself!" When he and I married, his Uncle got up and played the fiddle like no-one I have ever heard before. Oh, how we cried when he passed away.

But... back to you. What was his reasoning (or yours) behind tonight? Are you hoping to recapture something by "dating" again?

Z.

December 27, 2003
12:08 pm
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slr
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My first husband never had any counseling to my knowledge...he is very good hearted but he was making obsecene phone calls during our engagement and our first few months of marriage..I could not even imagine him doing this, but he felt really guilty and told me about it...it stopped but then after the birth of our daughter (about 6 or 7 years later)I found out that he stopped a gril driving down an a major highway that he was beside and got her name and phone number...at that point, it was just over for me...He really gets on my nerves..but i care about him and we are on good terms...He helps out financially almost any time I need it..We exchange gifts on Christmas and he has told the kids that if my husband lays another hand on me that he was going to whip his --- all over the farm (where we lived).I laughed because we (or he since nothing belongs to me) have horses..they were out one day when my ex pulled up with the kids...he said, you know, they need to keep the horses turned out and stick that jackass in there!

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