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thank you
October 1, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hello, i am new to this, im 21, i am still a little shy and not
sure what exactly is allowed to write about, bottom line is i had
an abusive upbringing, like many of you, it has made me very
distant, i have random anger outbursts, which i dont regret, mainly
because the ones i burst on are the ones who have abused me for
years. i also developed some depression issues a couple of years
back, i have been able to hide it pretty well, only two people
know, my closest friens whome i love, but my depression just keeps
getting worse over time, i started thinking about suicide around
16. i tried on three different occasions, pills, the car exhaust,
one other time i dont want to talk about. then i got angry with
myself, i started thinking about homicide. i wanted to hurt those
who hurt me, whats worse is that i started thinking about hurting
those i love because its because of them i wont do it to myself. i
know, cowardly excuse. what i wanted to say is that i started
reading the threads, and it made me feel better, seeing people who
share pain comforting eachother, what you people do is amazing. you
have never heard of me and you people made me feel better. thank
you. also, i realized i didnt clarify, i havent hurt anyone i love,
and i have never hurt anyone that bad.

October 1, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Zarathustra)))

Welcome to AAC. So
glad you posted and shared a bit. I am sorry you were abused, no
one deserves what you have faced.

I offer support
and hugs for what you are going through. Have you considered
counseling to help recover from your abuse?

I too was abused
and counseling has made a world of difference in how I deal with my
feelings, especially anger. You are worth it and there is recovery.
I too was suicidal in my teens, I wanted more than anything to make
it stop and that was the only way I knew that would work. Looking
back now, I am so grateful that it never worked because the life I
have now is definately worth living.

Please keep
posting and sharing. Please consider getting counseling to help
heal. Think of it like this, if someone broke your leg, you
wouldn't think twice about going to the doctor to get it fixed.
Sure you could let it heal on its own, but then you might have to
limp through life. Wounds to your heart and soul can be healed too,
but sometimes the guidance of the right counselor is needed, just
like you need a doctor to repair a broken leg.

October 2, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

again
thank you very much, i apologize for posting so late but i have
trouble sleeping at night, i think thats a common sideeffect of our
lives. and i just want to say something about the counseling thing,
one i cant afford a true therapist. and two this is the closest
thing i have ever come to therapy, again only two people know of my
"tendencies", one found out when i told him i was planning to kill
myself, and i wanted him to know, so it wouldnt hurt as much when
it happened. that was dumb of me to tell him, he just freaked out
and broke into tears, and he made me promise not to do it, the
other found out years later one night when i got drunk at a party
and she found me loading a gun. i try to hide it from them now,
espeacially her, she doesnt even give me the chance to look at a
gun or knife anymore, i love her so much. they dont need anymore
pain, i have put too much on them as it is, i mean she threatened
to have me committed. but to be honest, this is amazing, writing
how you feel, even anomynously, is relieving, just having support
at all, even from strangers feels good. im sure many of you as well
have learned to hide your true thoughts, i havent tried to kill
myself in over a year, but for some reason, the thoughts never
leave, some days you can deal with it, some days you cant, do you
understand me? i hate the twisted logic, i want to die, but i cant,
because that means i will lose them, and that makes me angry, so i
want to hurt them for not allowing me to die. how evil of a thought
can you get? i mean i love them! how could i ever hurt them! she
was the only person who held me while i cried! and just for
thinking about hurting them i want to kill myslef even more, its a
chain reaction that circles itself. but it has been a long time,
since i openly admitted to this, even anomynously, so for that
gift, thank you again all so much. sorrry for rambling,

October 2, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Zarathustra)))

I'm glad you are
posting. I too find that just the process of typing out my feelings
helps me see things in a different light.

If money is the
only reason you are not seeking counseling, there are resources out
there that are free or done on a sliding scale based on your
income.

Here are a few
hotlines that can help you connect with some of these
resources

Here are 3 suicide
hotlines 1-800-273-8255 1-800-784-2433 1-800-448-3000 when you call
tell them you need counseling to overcome suicidal feelings and ask
if there are resources in your area.

You are worthy of
overcoming this.

With that said I
also fully understand if you aren't ready for this next step yet. I
have recently returned to counseling after avoiding it for several
years. I knew I needed it and would benefit from it, but at the
same time hadn't built up the courage to face the demons in my soul
that threaten my sanity. But alone I can not fight them, I need
help from someone who can give me the roadmaps I need to get out of
this dark place where I am. But it is difficult to trust a
counselor to see what we face. For me it got to the point where I
decided that the worst that could happen is I go to counseling and
I walk out. Well last week I went to my first appointment in over 4
years. It was with a new counselor (my old one sucked and played a
key role in my eventual divorce) and I like him. I don't trust him
yet and told him so. He understood and we are starting by working
on basic things first while I warm up to him.

Sending you hugs
and support.

October 1, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hello, i am new to this, im 21, i am still a little shy and not
sure what exactly is allowed to write about, bottom line is i had
an abusive upbringing, like many of you, it has made me very
distant, i have random anger outbursts, which i dont regret, mainly
because the ones i burst on are the ones who have abused me for
years. i also developed some depression issues a couple of years
back, i have been able to hide it pretty well, only two people
know, my closest friens whome i love, but my depression just keeps
getting worse over time, i started thinking about suicide around
16. i tried on three different occasions, pills, the car exhaust,
one other time i dont want to talk about. then i got angry with
myself, i started thinking about homicide. i wanted to hurt those
who hurt me, whats worse is that i started thinking about hurting
those i love because its because of them i wont do it to myself. i
know, cowardly excuse. what i wanted to say is that i started
reading the threads, and it made me feel better, seeing people who
share pain comforting eachother, what you people do is amazing. you
have never heard of me and you people made me feel better. thank
you. also, i realized i didnt clarify, i havent hurt anyone i love,
and i have never hurt anyone that bad.

October 1, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Zarathustra)))

Welcome to AAC. So
glad you posted and shared a bit. I am sorry you were abused, no
one deserves what you have faced.

I offer support
and hugs for what you are going through. Have you considered
counseling to help recover from your abuse?

I too was abused
and counseling has made a world of difference in how I deal with my
feelings, especially anger. You are worth it and there is recovery.
I too was suicidal in my teens, I wanted more than anything to make
it stop and that was the only way I knew that would work. Looking
back now, I am so grateful that it never worked because the life I
have now is definately worth living.

Please keep
posting and sharing. Please consider getting counseling to help
heal. Think of it like this, if someone broke your leg, you
wouldn't think twice about going to the doctor to get it fixed.
Sure you could let it heal on its own, but then you might have to
limp through life. Wounds to your heart and soul can be healed too,
but sometimes the guidance of the right counselor is needed, just
like you need a doctor to repair a broken leg.

October 2, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

again
thank you very much, i apologize for posting so late but i have
trouble sleeping at night, i think thats a common sideeffect of our
lives. and i just want to say something about the counseling thing,
one i cant afford a true therapist. and two this is the closest
thing i have ever come to therapy, again only two people know of my
"tendencies", one found out when i told him i was planning to kill
myself, and i wanted him to know, so it wouldnt hurt as much when
it happened. that was dumb of me to tell him, he just freaked out
and broke into tears, and he made me promise not to do it, the
other found out years later one night when i got drunk at a party
and she found me loading a gun. i try to hide it from them now,
espeacially her, she doesnt even give me the chance to look at a
gun or knife anymore, i love her so much. they dont need anymore
pain, i have put too much on them as it is, i mean she threatened
to have me committed. but to be honest, this is amazing, writing
how you feel, even anomynously, is relieving, just having support
at all, even from strangers feels good. im sure many of you as well
have learned to hide your true thoughts, i havent tried to kill
myself in over a year, but for some reason, the thoughts never
leave, some days you can deal with it, some days you cant, do you
understand me? i hate the twisted logic, i want to die, but i cant,
because that means i will lose them, and that makes me angry, so i
want to hurt them for not allowing me to die. how evil of a thought
can you get? i mean i love them! how could i ever hurt them! she
was the only person who held me while i cried! and just for
thinking about hurting them i want to kill myslef even more, its a
chain reaction that circles itself. but it has been a long time,
since i openly admitted to this, even anomynously, so for that
gift, thank you again all so much. sorrry for rambling,

October 2, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Zarathustra)))

I'm glad you are
posting. I too find that just the process of typing out my feelings
helps me see things in a different light.

If money is the
only reason you are not seeking counseling, there are resources out
there that are free or done on a sliding scale based on your
income.

Here are a few
hotlines that can help you connect with some of these
resources

Here are 3 suicide
hotlines 1-800-273-8255 1-800-784-2433 1-800-448-3000 when you call
tell them you need counseling to overcome suicidal feelings and ask
if there are resources in your area.

You are worthy of
overcoming this.

With that said I
also fully understand if you aren't ready for this next step yet. I
have recently returned to counseling after avoiding it for several
years. I knew I needed it and would benefit from it, but at the
same time hadn't built up the courage to face the demons in my soul
that threaten my sanity. But alone I can not fight them, I need
help from someone who can give me the roadmaps I need to get out of
this dark place where I am. But it is difficult to trust a
counselor to see what we face. For me it got to the point where I
decided that the worst that could happen is I go to counseling and
I walk out. Well last week I went to my first appointment in over 4
years. It was with a new counselor (my old one sucked and played a
key role in my eventual divorce) and I like him. I don't trust him
yet and told him so. He understood and we are starting by working
on basic things first while I warm up to him.

Sending you hugs
and support.

October 1, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hello, i am new to this, im 21, i am still a little shy and not
sure what exactly is allowed to write about, bottom line is i had
an abusive upbringing, like many of you, it has made me very
distant, i have random anger outbursts, which i dont regret, mainly
because the ones i burst on are the ones who have abused me for
years. i also developed some depression issues a couple of years
back, i have been able to hide it pretty well, only two people
know, my closest friens whome i love, but my depression just keeps
getting worse over time, i started thinking about suicide around
16. i tried on three different occasions, pills, the car exhaust,
one other time i dont want to talk about. then i got angry with
myself, i started thinking about homicide. i wanted to hurt those
who hurt me, whats worse is that i started thinking about hurting
those i love because its because of them i wont do it to myself. i
know, cowardly excuse. what i wanted to say is that i started
reading the threads, and it made me feel better, seeing people who
share pain comforting eachother, what you people do is amazing. you
have never heard of me and you people made me feel better. thank
you. also, i realized i didnt clarify, i havent hurt anyone i love,
and i have never hurt anyone that bad.

October 1, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Zarathustra)))

Welcome to AAC. So
glad you posted and shared a bit. I am sorry you were abused, no
one deserves what you have faced.

I offer support
and hugs for what you are going through. Have you considered
counseling to help recover from your abuse?

I too was abused
and counseling has made a world of difference in how I deal with my
feelings, especially anger. You are worth it and there is recovery.
I too was suicidal in my teens, I wanted more than anything to make
it stop and that was the only way I knew that would work. Looking
back now, I am so grateful that it never worked because the life I
have now is definately worth living.

Please keep
posting and sharing. Please consider getting counseling to help
heal. Think of it like this, if someone broke your leg, you
wouldn't think twice about going to the doctor to get it fixed.
Sure you could let it heal on its own, but then you might have to
limp through life. Wounds to your heart and soul can be healed too,
but sometimes the guidance of the right counselor is needed, just
like you need a doctor to repair a broken leg.

October 2, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

again
thank you very much, i apologize for posting so late but i have
trouble sleeping at night, i think thats a common sideeffect of our
lives. and i just want to say something about the counseling thing,
one i cant afford a true therapist. and two this is the closest
thing i have ever come to therapy, again only two people know of my
"tendencies", one found out when i told him i was planning to kill
myself, and i wanted him to know, so it wouldnt hurt as much when
it happened. that was dumb of me to tell him, he just freaked out
and broke into tears, and he made me promise not to do it, the
other found out years later one night when i got drunk at a party
and she found me loading a gun. i try to hide it from them now,
espeacially her, she doesnt even give me the chance to look at a
gun or knife anymore, i love her so much. they dont need anymore
pain, i have put too much on them as it is, i mean she threatened
to have me committed. but to be honest, this is amazing, writing
how you feel, even anomynously, is relieving, just having support
at all, even from strangers feels good. im sure many of you as well
have learned to hide your true thoughts, i havent tried to kill
myself in over a year, but for some reason, the thoughts never
leave, some days you can deal with it, some days you cant, do you
understand me? i hate the twisted logic, i want to die, but i cant,
because that means i will lose them, and that makes me angry, so i
want to hurt them for not allowing me to die. how evil of a thought
can you get? i mean i love them! how could i ever hurt them! she
was the only person who held me while i cried! and just for
thinking about hurting them i want to kill myslef even more, its a
chain reaction that circles itself. but it has been a long time,
since i openly admitted to this, even anomynously, so for that
gift, thank you again all so much. sorrry for rambling,

October 2, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Zarathustra)))

I'm glad you are
posting. I too find that just the process of typing out my feelings
helps me see things in a different light.

If money is the
only reason you are not seeking counseling, there are resources out
there that are free or done on a sliding scale based on your
income.

Here are a few
hotlines that can help you connect with some of these
resources

Here are 3 suicide
hotlines 1-800-273-8255 1-800-784-2433 1-800-448-3000 when you call
tell them you need counseling to overcome suicidal feelings and ask
if there are resources in your area.

You are worthy of
overcoming this.

With that said I
also fully understand if you aren't ready for this next step yet. I
have recently returned to counseling after avoiding it for several
years. I knew I needed it and would benefit from it, but at the
same time hadn't built up the courage to face the demons in my soul
that threaten my sanity. But alone I can not fight them, I need
help from someone who can give me the roadmaps I need to get out of
this dark place where I am. But it is difficult to trust a
counselor to see what we face. For me it got to the point where I
decided that the worst that could happen is I go to counseling and
I walk out. Well last week I went to my first appointment in over 4
years. It was with a new counselor (my old one sucked and played a
key role in my eventual divorce) and I like him. I don't trust him
yet and told him so. He understood and we are starting by working
on basic things first while I warm up to him.

Sending you hugs
and support.

January 5, 2011
11:49 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WOW this is old, so this is how long i have been on thi site huh? my first thread, good to knowi havent changed much

January 5, 2011
12:42 pm
Avatar
bel
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 15
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

zarathustra said:

WOW this is old, so this is how long i have been on thi site huh? my first thread, good to knowi havent changed much


January 5, 2011
12:44 pm
Avatar
bel
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 15
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is a new forum for all about couseling I dont know if I will be back its not user friendly for me.

January 5, 2011
5:25 pm
Avatar
andii
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 124
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bel, you'll get used it it, change takes a little time but you'll get used to it.  I hate it also, but know that in a relatively short period of time, it will be as comfortable as the old ways.  I hope you come back. 

January 6, 2011
10:03 am
Avatar
zarathustra
miami, florida
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 562
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yeah actually once you get the hang of it, its pretty fast to be honest, not as conveniat as before but stil pretty good,

January 6, 2011
9:38 pm
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