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Terrified of whats next
June 22, 2009
7:29 pm
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rodeo
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I am having a difficult time dealing with the breakup of a two and a half year relationship. I've been told that I am codependent and I am starting to do some reading on codependency and yes some of it does sound so much like me.
I was married for 19 years and then divorced and walked right into another relationship only 6 months after my divorce. This relationship was no healthier than my marriage. I think the hardest part for me is learning to be alone. I realized that this was a unhealthy relationship, yet it is still so hard to let go and I have found myself wanting to go back.

June 22, 2009
8:40 pm
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through_the_fire
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Rodeo,

Stay the alone course--- it'll be worth it. You're afraid to be alone. Accept that and ask yourself gently what it is you fear. Maybe write it out. Or see a counselor. Or all of the above. But you know the relationship isn't good, and maybe if you spend some time realizing you can be fine and alone-- you won't ever feel like you have to stay in something that's not good for you. You're worth it and deserve so much more.

Fire

June 22, 2009
9:21 pm
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truthBtold
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rodeo,

Oh my, I think that Fire has really passed on some great information and advice for you - (where were you Fire some 20 or so years ago for me πŸ˜‰

In any event, all that I can add from retrospect is to not ignore your initial 'red flags' in a relationship.

They WILL haunt you - believe me.

Days, months, YEARS later!!!!

You think that that they will just somehow and in some way just kind of magically dispel and sort of evaporate.....WRONG!

They don't.

Figure your crap out....at a distance.

By that I mean that the reason so many of us are attracted to unhealthy relationships is to somehow and in someway kind of sort of 'make peace' with what a truly healthy, balanced relationship actually looks and smells and tastes and feels like at the expense of getting ourselves all involved with someone else who SEEMS to fit that mold of what we need in order to grow....thing is - you have no earthly idea just what you are getting yourself into in gettin involved with this guy.

That's why I say and I repeat - get involved.....at a distance.

At a distance.

Try to resist the temptation to go all hog wild and get together/engaged/married too soon.

Learn what you can from a safe distance over time then see what (if anything) develops.

I'm tellin ya - I KNOW what I am talking about here.........

Bottom line: Don't settle.

Save yourself years maybe even decades of floundering about......

June 22, 2009
10:27 pm
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wireless28806
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truthbtold... where theheck were you twenty yeqars ago, when I needed that advice.. Rodeo.. listen to these people, i have been, and also believe, I do, and it reallyhelps. Ihave been throught the same exact scenario, andit isgetting easier.

June 23, 2009
9:06 am
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sunshine88
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and that is why, i take to heart what these wise people are saying here, to spare all of us years and years of regret and pain. i believe them because they've gone there, been there, done that.

rodeo, am nobody to tell you any wise advice. but i can share that i was in an unhealthy relationship too. i was giving too much, and getting so little. i was giving chances, for the nth time. i was afraid to lose him, so i gave and gave and gave. and in the end, he abandoned me. i had wished that when i was told about red flags early on the relationship, i wish i took the bravery to break away early, but i was afraid, and it took me more than a year to realize that i should go, and before i could leave, he left.

so it's either we take charge now, take control of our life, or our circumstances will force us to, and then it will be so daunting for us.

i know it looks so hard from where you are, but after a while, dealing with life alone is actualy relatively sweeter than living a miserable life with an unhealthy partner.

hugs coming your way.

June 23, 2009
10:28 am
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Lanigirl
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Such good advice here.

I have my good and bad days but honestly Truth, on the days he isn't around, it's more peaceful. I've discovered that I enjoy my own company.

I think I use him to inject drama into my life which equated to caring in my past experience.

June 23, 2009
4:21 pm
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Zebra
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Thanks for all the advice on this thread. I learned something new today.

I am starting to date and there is one thing I said to myself and of course TBT just confirmed it. DO IT AT A DISTANCE.

I have known this man for 13 years and have never once crossed the line with him a) because I was in a relationship (bad one) and b) he respected me enought to wait.

so there are times I think well he waited this long and I have to remind myself that I am not ready for a full blown relationship and that I want to be on my own for a while and he can wait some more. He is. We have our second date this Friday.

So weird to have him call me and ask me out.

Love, Z

June 23, 2009
7:10 pm
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rodeo
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I want to thank all of you for the great advice. I just needed to talk to someone who understood what I was going through and who would not be judgemental. I do find that being alone at times is nice, I will be the first to admit I do get lonely and miss the companionship. truthBtold, what you said about "don't settle" my oldest son and I have a strained relationship, he never approved of my relationship after his father, and he threw this at me during one of our many arguments, he told me I settled, those were his exact words. That broke my heart, but I didn't listen I just kept going back and trying to hold on. I have two beautiful sons 19 and 8 from my 20 year marriage and they are wise children. I am doing the exact thing that sunshine88 says, I was giving so much and getting very little, ok nothing in return, all because I didn't want to lose him. Whats confusing for me is I walked away from a 20 year, unhealthy marriage with no doubts, but I am having a hard time walking away from only a 2 1/2 year relationship that is just as unhealthy as my marriage was. Maybe I should be committed. Possibly it's harder to leave because I am also at fault for the breakup? I feel like I want to stay and make it right. I go to sleep at night thinking about how I got nothing out of this relationship (not financial, but love and affection)and I can't figure out why I miss him.

June 24, 2009
10:30 am
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Lanigirl
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Hi Rodeo,

Some inner voice is telling you that this breakup was the right thing to do because it was unhealthy.

It's a tricky thing to just walk away from something. Ya keep looking back and examine it to see if there's still some shine when it's really over and done. You can't make something right if it isn't.

It's taken me some time to really admit to myself why I would miss someone that lies, is unavailable, unstable, etc. It took a long time but keep reaching. I know you have the answer at your fingertips and once you find it, doors will fly open.

June 24, 2009
11:42 am
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rodeo
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OK, I am having such a difficult time letting go and I am so tired of making a fool out of myself. I try to make things right and keep getting hurt. Why is it so difficult to just walk away from this man, why am I so worried or scared to be alone. It has only been a month since our breakup and we have seen each other once during this time to try and work things out. It did not work, I was told that I did this wrong or that wrong and then I got angry and of course, an argument. You know what is so sad, he seems to be the stronger one and is able just to not care and that makes me so angry. I am the one who has put my heart and financial means into this relationship and I am the one that is hurting the most. I find myself going places hoping to see him, finding reasons to call, I don't understand when I know that this is such an unhealthy relationship.

June 24, 2009
4:42 pm
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FireFighter
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I have had very similiar experiences... Being alone does scare me... I have been used to being there for my partner.. It validated who I was.. If my partner thought I was great then I felt good.. If they are not there where will that come from.. what use am I.. I alsways help people ..who's here to help me...

Well slowly I'm figuring I'm here to help me. I'm here to make sure I'm okay. I just need to look after me.. I ahvent done that before so its an adjustment... I'm barely into it .. but wow when you start its an amazing thing...

I have a counsellor I speak with each week, I have good friends , I have found this place πŸ™‚ and now I have me. I'm just getting to know me, Its like I just met myself for the first time. I'm figuring out what I like, what makes me happy ..

I'm reading codependancy no more... if your anything like me you'll read the first few chapters and go aha that me, yeah that me , damn thats me too!!! πŸ™‚ As the writer says the book is not the solution ... she gives the analogy that the book is like a travel guide, telling what to look for good and bad. The actual trip however is yours to take!! I may just be taxing down the runway on my trip but I'm looking forward to teh sun and relaxation that will be the rest of my life.

You are doing the right things, you have taken the first steps.

Keep going with you in mind. Use this place , there are soooooo many good people on here that have been there or going through the same thing. Your not alone.. There are many friends here

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