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Temptation Is Killing My Marriage!
November 30, 2010
12:00 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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My
hubby and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have one
child together. The problem I'm having is that I'm cheating my
husband (sort of....no kiss/sex yet).

Ever since at my
work, we have a new staff came working with us. I'll name him
"Alan". When I first met him, my heart beat so fast and I cannot
take my eyes off from him because he's so cute, tall, striking blue
eyes, smart, and funny. I cannot stop thinking and dreaming of him.
Whenever I try to talk to him, I stutter or talk funny (yep, he
noticed it too). He's going thru the same thing with me. He get
clumpsy around me. Whenever we walk pass each other, we instantly
lay our eyes on each other and smile.

This been
happening since last June and still going on. He is divorced since
several years ago. He has two school aged kids.

Fast forward, I'm
at home, always finding a way to get into a fight with my hubby. I
refuse to have sex with him for almost a month and he's threatening
to kill himself because he does not want to sleep with other woman
but ME.

I don't find my
hubby attractive anymore. He had gotten so skinnier due to his
diabetes (he's not taking care of himself; still eating sweets),
getting balder, and horrible bad breath/teeth decay (which is why
we have not kissed or get oral sex for 15 years).

My body is in a
very deep need of desire that my husband never given me since our
honeymoon. He's the worse lover I've had in my life, but guess
what? I dealt with it because I love him. Now this has changed.
this had gotten me aggrativating and wanting more desire/sex,
making me feel more frustrating.

Thinking of Alan,
I get excited and yearns to sleep with him (I haven't and he
doesn't know this). I lied to everybody at my work several months
ago that my hubby is in jail and that I'm filing a divorce (never
happens).

I looked at myself
in the mirror and see how horrible person I am. I'm treating my
hubby very badly behind his back. I lied and mean to him, which he
doesn't deserve it. I am very unhappy with myself mainly because
for what I did to myself and my husband. My husband scared me big
time when he said that he feel like killing himself because I
refuse to have sex with him.

What kind of
problem am I having? Attention problem? Sex problem? Multiple
personality problem? I have no clue why I'm doing it. How do I get
rid of temptation? It's very difficult for me not to see him at
work. I tried. Any advices would be greatly appreciate.
Thanks.

December 1, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Luv2surf)))

Welcome to AAC.
Glad you found this site of support and open
communication.

This situation
must be very difficult for you. You are not alone in feeling this
way and it is possible to untangle it all. Right now it sounds like
you are full of strong emotions that are overwhelming your
logic.

It is important to
keep these two relationship seperate. First, Alan is off limits to
you until you have left the marriage and gotten through the loss.
Right now to involve him in your life beyond being a casual
coworker is only going to lead to heartache and regrets.

Work out your
issues in your marriage first. If you can, seek counseling to help
provide a different perspective and support to identify and resolve
your issues. Sometimes that will make the marriage stronger and
sometimes it will make it clear to all involved that it is over and
you can walk away knowing you did all you could. But you have to
really get some professional support for these important life
changing decisions. The decision you make now, will effect the rest
of your life. It is worth the $50 to $150 investiment to speak to a
professional.

If you are having
strong sexual urges your husband can't satisfy, get a good
vibrator. The rabbit models are wonderful at providing satisfying
orgasims because they provide dual stimulation. Masterbation is a
much better method to satisfy these urges than an affair. You can
take care of your needs in a way that doesn't destroy your
marriage.

I also suggest
that you don't share personal information at work. You are only
asking for a heap of trouble and heartache by doing that. Your
coworkers don't need to be in your business. If you are looking for
conversation topics, talk about the weather, entertainment (ie tv
shows, movies, lives of famous people), local news, sports,
shopping. If you feel you must share personal info keep it topics
that do not involve really personal matters; for example, your
favorite foods, a good meal you had last week, your pets and the
silly things they do, your new pair of shoes/dress/hairstyle etc.,
a social event you attended (ie a game, party, concert, play,
charity fundraiser).

The path you are
headed on right now is going to lead to a big train wreck. Get that
train on another track before its too late and there is nothing
left but to pick up the pieces after the crash.

December 1, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Luv,

Good first step in
coming here. I encourage you to keep posting.

It sounds like
you've already taken some steps toward this other man. I would like
to encourage you to stop in your tracks but even if you go to him,
keep coming here.

Also, Melanie
Beattie's books are really helpful. Some people are helped by
therapy or AA groups.

December 1, 2010
12:00 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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September 24, 2010
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Sparks will always fly when the chemistry is right. That does
not mean you must act on it. Ultimately, you have control over what
you do, and you can choose to do what will be most healing and
helpful for you in the long run. Steer clear of Alan... from an
outside perspective, he sounds like he is a healing balm for wounds
that are being inflicted elsewhere.

The way you
describe your marriage... I would not want to be in it either. A
partner who refuses to take care of himself although he has a life
threatening condition? That change needs to initiate with him.
However, some understanding on your part can go a long way in
helping him to help himself. When you suffer from an affliction
that those around you do not, it's a quick jump to self pity and a
disregard for self care. You hear all around you "you SHOULD do
this, you SHOULDN'T do that" and one reaction to that is to give
the world the finger and say "I'll do what I want, when I want."
It's a childish reaction, but a valid and honest one. He also
sounds quite depressed, again, understandably so.

Do you and your
husband do anything fun together? How do you relate outside of the
bedroom?

In any event,
seeking counseling to stop yourself from making a dreadful mistake
is a great first step. You CAN do this!

December 1, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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Temptation is only a symptom of the problems in your marriage.
Something else is killing it for you to have gotten to this
point.

December 1, 2010
12:00 am
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Anonymous
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chelonia - yes, it is very difficult situation for me right
now. Coming to work is not what I'm looking for anymore like I used
to (seeing Alan). Just yesterday and today, I tried my best NOT to
take a peek at Alan when he walk by or face me and I succeeded. BUT
I looked at him when he's NOT looking at me. I don't feel
excitement doing that, more like sad.

As for vibrator,
this is really embarrassing for me. I have not own one and I don't
think I will because it will make my hubby upset. I know because
several years ago, we browse sex toy catalog and I mentioned
vibrator to him. He said "what's wrong with mine?"

I can do that by
keeping my personal life private at work - no problem.

Lanigirl - thanks,
Lanigirl. I will keep coming back here often as I can. What's
Melanie's book title? I will try and find a therapist - do you have
any idea on what kind of therapist? Sex? Mental?

onlyboring - yes,
we do alot of fun thing together, like recent scuba diving at
Bahamas. Great time to be with him, but miserable in bed,
unfortunately. Yes, it looks like I need a counseling. Hopefully
it'll work out.

December 3, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey
Luv,

Melanie B. has
written several books. One is Codependent No More.

Good question on
therapists. My only input is that they should be licensed and I
suggest just going alone. If you want to pull your husband in
later, you may want to see if they're also a marriage and family
therapist.

So glad you'll be
coming back here and seeking a therapist. You definitely need
support.

December 4, 2010
12:00 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks, Lanigirl. I'll check the book out soon.

Update: one week
later....here's the story - I succeeded NOT to look at Alan's eyes
for week. Yes, it was extremely difficult. I felt guilty because I
hurted his feeling by not looking at him. I'm pretty sure, in his
mind, he's questioning me why I'm not looking at him anymore. I
noticed he looks sad lately.

As for my hubby
now, I don't feel any different with him. I feel like we're still
"roommates". We had sex the other night and it didn't turn out well
because of his erectile dysfunction (first time ever). I asked my
hubby what happened and he said he doesn't know why, but maybe we
didn't have sex for awhile. I find it hard to believe, but let it
go.

Other than that,
I'm still constantly thinking of Alan nonstop and it's making me
miserable. I am still looking for a licensed therapist and probably
will schedule an appt after the holidays.

We'll see how
things go......

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Too
bad you can't take a peek into Alan's life - it might help you
through it. I stepped into it with someone else and when the same
stories were being repeated it was an eye opener.

Are you certain
it's the thought of Alan making you miserable or are there other
things making you miserable?

Wish you
well.

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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September 30, 2010
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the
grass is never GREENER on the other side, the problems you have in
this marriage would happen in this one, if it were to become one,
you can not run from one bad situation to another, never works...it
is not fair to your husband to cheat on him emotionally, you owe it
to him to tell him how you feel and you owe that to yourself as
well, 20 years a long time, sure you want to throw it all away on a
fling of mutual sexual attraction? THINK before your react or you
could end up divorced with no one except with a man who likes women
who are not available, when your suddenly available, he will look
for someone who is not so available... my best wishes to you and
your marriage...

December 12, 2010
12:00 am
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Anonymous
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BAREFOOTGIRL - boy, I tell ya, you opened my eyes BIG time.
That is something I have not realized until you mentioned it. After
I read what you said and thought for few days, I stared at my
husband, asked myself "does he ever hurt me deeply enough to kill
our marriage?". Nope. My husband did EVERYTHING for me (fix
house/car, care for our son, help pay bill, nice to me, etc). Only
sex is one problem and I realized that it's not the top priority in
marriage.

I've seen and
heard horror stories about other women's husbands: beating,
helpless around the house, cheater, bum, alchol/drug user, etc. My
husband is not one of them and I cannot kick him out of my life. I
realized that men like my husband are very rare in these
day.

Now for Alan part,
I have tried my best NOT to look and talk to him, but it's VERY
difficult because we are in the same room. Someone suggested that
if I see him coming toward me, I take out my cell phone and pretend
I'm busy talking over the cell phone. So I'll try that. I can't
wait for him to leave next Spring (his job required him to
relocated every 8 months).

Other than that,
I'm having a minor issue with my feeling and that is "jealousy".
I'm sure Alan noticed that I haven't noticed him lately, so he
moves on to other girl in my office. I've seen them laughing and
walking with each other. For first time in 20 years, there's a huge
jealousy pang in my feeling that I felt so hot and teary eyed. Wow,
it feels like back in high school day and I hate that feeling. How
do I stop from feeling jealous, even though I'm sticking with my
husband for good? God, I hate that feeling.

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey
Luv,

How about writing
your H a letter telling him exactly what you appreciate about him?
It may help you to really feel what you have is special and to
praise him at the same time.

Just shows how
fickle Alan is - if he is transferred every few months -his life
may reflect having to get accustomed to new people and new
surroundings so he adjusts to whatever happens.

February 22, 2011
1:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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