Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
Telling Our Stories
January 10, 2009
10:13 pm
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

At the request of BBlue and ZoeBee, this new thread will be a place for new & old to tell our stories--I leave it to you to decide in how much detail and at what length.

We have been attempting to support one another and got to the point where BBlue suggested that knowing what each of our own experiences had been might help us be more specific in our support.

In the Al Anon spirit, I don't want to set the rules for this, so I am not going to go first.

January 11, 2009
5:27 am
Avatar
sunshine88
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi Zoebee, u have quite a story to tell. you can write a book on this one, and help people overcome their troubles. am sure there are a lot of things you have learned from life, adversities make us wise, you can share them.

is this thread limited to the three of u, or all members can pitch in with their story?

January 11, 2009
1:39 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Me- My mom married 5 times. 5 kids. 3 different dads. Met my oldest brother when he was 21. Youngest brother moved out at age 5. Moved 10 times by the time I was 18. My mother also lived with 2 different men. Out all night. Left alone. Mom smoked pot, did drugs when I was in high school. She abandoned all of her kids and has nothing to do with them. Only talks to me if I call. Has never picked up a phone to call me once in my life. She blames everyone she was every with for all of her problems. She constantly screamed at me. Laid in bed all day depressed. No food to eat. Environment was a free for all. With all that I felt like I had to bear the cross for her sins. Felt guilty for what she did. Felt like there was something wrong with me cause of her. Had to graduate high school at 16 attended college at 16 graduated with a 2 year degree at 19 then went on and got a bachelors degree. Extremly responsbile. Took care of myself financially and everyone else my whole life. My drug of choice was my work and my education. It wasnt until I joined this site like a year ago that I even began to realize I had a problem. Always thought that I had the brains to manage everything. Finally realizing that my emotions are far more powerful and no match for my brains.

The one thing that I learned from this place was how angry I was and how my anger was destroying me and everyone around me. I dont want to be that person. I am now going to anger management and learning to deal with it.

After letting go of anger is some depression. Boy thats a tough one.

January 11, 2009
2:55 pm
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

All welcome, Sunshine!!

Please, do tell.

January 11, 2009
4:05 pm
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destiny, ZoeBee, I am in awe of what you've survived and endured and triumphed over. And we have much in common, dear ones.

I was raised in a family of eight, eldest, too many kids, too little money. I had no experience of ever being precious or beloved, but having my own children gave me a chance to create the kind of family I wanted, and I found that healing. My grown children are incandescent, fantastic people who are emotionally healthier and more loving to all and each other than I have ever been, bless their hearts. My father was an alcoholic, my mother certainly drank, and once he became sober, she became viciously crabby and martyred. My siblings are terrific, and they remind me that I was not and am not crazy, and that life outside our family is more sane. All of us including my many cousins were molested by our grandfather, something our parents knew (to varying degrees) and continued to allow. That was, of course, devastating, but therapy and some other wonderful work we all did together was healing and even rather magical. That is not "behind" me, it's part of me, but it is no longer raw, and I do not feel alone in it.

The work side of my life has always been good. I know what I came to the planet to do and I do it. I've discovered that I love to teach, so now at this stage in my life I am finishing up my doctorate and preparing to be a professor. An entirely new career, but very linked to all my previous work, and I am very excited about this. My kids have been an enormous support; they teach me in how readily and warmly they encourage and support others. Two of my kids deal with chronic physical problems, so their lives are not easy. Their health problems are the hardest things in my life.

Given the grandpa situation, and the parental checked-out-edness (my dad was absent, drunk, or sleeping; my mother was angry, bitter, mean), I sort of raised myself. Books helped; I picked characters who seemed as cheerful and positive and capable as I wanted to be and I just aped them until I got there myself. I hear you, DS, about being super-responsible. I guess I had to be my own parents.

What I never did figure out (or FEEL out) was how to have the kind of partnering relationship I want. I've had near misses and some serious tries, but I am just not a good picker of men. The first couple serious relationships took a lot of therapy and many Melodie Beattie books to get through, but were also (not being Pollyanna here, but it's true) lessons that I needed. Really grew me up. I think I'm much less co-dependo now, but I'm still in a crummy relationship. My husband is very focused on his career, and can be kind (mostly to other people), but is genuinely confused about how relationships work. He wants to be adored (a direct quote), never questioned, and would prefer to make no compromises or have any household duties. He is an echo of mom: sees himself as long-suffering, martyred, pained beyond all knowing. Except that he's led a pretty darn blessed life with few bits of grit along the way, so that martyred position is a hard one to take seriously. There are people in this world who deal with Real Problems; he's not one of them. So, of course, I am sucked into the seductiveness of helping him see that his life is good, that with a simple shift of attitude, we can all be happy....Are you rolling your eyes, yet, DS and ZB? 🙂 He has lots of emotional affairs and some physical ones and has been celibate with me for the last seven years. It's just so hard for him to imagine how to fix it; he wishes it would all be fixed, by someone else, but he can't really imagine how to do it (those are quotes, too).

So I'm not worth sex, or worth the few simple steps it might take to revitalize things, in his eyes. That's a bitter realization, but it's true. He is so inert and so willing to be helpless about our relationship; he only wants the easy stuff and he wants to be called upon to do as little as possible.

Since coming to this site, I've gotten some solid, practical guidance, and I've employed it. I focus on the kids, my friends, my work, and he really falls to the side. He obsesses about his work, anyway, that's where he's happiest, so he doesn't miss me. I'm lonely for a lover and a man in my life, but I am no longer looking in his direction. He just doesn't have the capacity to deliver any of that. What I'm especially working on right now is not complaining about him or pulling in other co-dependent friends while I complain about him. He is what he is; I need to knock off the denial, see it, own it, and make choices based on the reality, not some airy possibility. Even being WITH him is lonely; he's not much of a partner. He's very childish, but not childlike--no fun at all, actually. (Interestingly, when I was dating him, I was clear about searching for an adult. I even made a list, trotted him around to friends to evaluate lest I have blind spots. He was once independent, self-actualized, positive. Then his mother died, and he completely changed into a bitter, crabby, negative person who is really whiny. I did try to choose actively and positively, I really did).

I know life can be very hard for many people, and I feel like I am very lucky in many ways that I feel grateful for every day. What my kids deal with regarding their health can feel insurmountable; me feeling lonely for a guy feels almost silly compared to that. For now, I'm staying put, finishing school, getting the next job, taking care of the kids. I miss the part of me that was sexual and in love, because it took a lot of work and effort to raise her/create her/help her feel safe. And then this bozo comes along and blows it up. Well, I guess I have to realize my part in that. He wasn't like this when I chose him, but I still chose someone who had it in him to develop this way. Why don't people come with lists of their ingredients printed on their labels?

ZB: you should write, dear. Your words heal and fairly glow with your wise-woman-in-the-cottage-in-the-woods kind of energy. So maternal, so caring, so loving. DS: Your words to others are so smart and so clear. Your powerful intellect is at work, and though you are wise to realize the emotions often run the show, your mind is a wonderful guide to all of us, too. Sunshine: I have my tea and my footstool pulled up, and I'm waiting to hear your story.

Thank you for listening, friends. The telling helps, somehow.

January 11, 2009
4:05 pm
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destiny, ZoeBee, I am in awe of what you've survived and endured and triumphed over. And we have much in common, dear ones.

I was raised in a family of eight, eldest, too many kids, too little money. I had no experience of ever being precious or beloved, but having my own children gave me a chance to create the kind of family I wanted, and I found that healing. My grown children are incandescent, fantastic people who are emotionally healthier and more loving to all and each other than I have ever been, bless their hearts. My father was an alcoholic, my mother certainly drank, and once he became sober, she became viciously crabby and martyred. My siblings are terrific, and they remind me that I was not and am not crazy, and that life outside our family is more sane. All of us including my many cousins were molested by our grandfather, something our parents knew (to varying degrees) and continued to allow. That was, of course, devastating, but therapy and some other wonderful work we all did together was healing and even rather magical. That is not "behind" me, it's part of me, but it is no longer raw, and I do not feel alone in it.

The work side of my life has always been good. I know what I came to the planet to do and I do it. I've discovered that I love to teach, so now at this stage in my life I am finishing up my doctorate and preparing to be a professor. An entirely new career, but very linked to all my previous work, and I am very excited about this. My kids have been an enormous support; they teach me in how readily and warmly they encourage and support others. Two of my kids deal with chronic physical problems, so their lives are not easy. Their health problems are the hardest things in my life.

Given the grandpa situation, and the parental checked-out-edness (my dad was absent, drunk, or sleeping; my mother was angry, bitter, mean), I sort of raised myself. Books helped; I picked characters who seemed as cheerful and positive and capable as I wanted to be and I just aped them until I got there myself. I hear you, DS, about being super-responsible. I guess I had to be my own parents.

What I never did figure out (or FEEL out) was how to have the kind of partnering relationship I want. I've had near misses and some serious tries, but I am just not a good picker of men. The first couple serious relationships took a lot of therapy and many Melodie Beattie books to get through, but were also (not being Pollyanna here, but it's true) lessons that I needed. Really grew me up. I think I'm much less co-dependo now, but I'm still in a crummy relationship. My husband is very focused on his career, and can be kind (mostly to other people), but is genuinely confused about how relationships work. He wants to be adored (a direct quote), never questioned, and would prefer to make no compromises or have any household duties. He is an echo of mom: sees himself as long-suffering, martyred, pained beyond all knowing. Except that he's led a pretty darn blessed life with few bits of grit along the way, so that martyred position is a hard one to take seriously. There are people in this world who deal with Real Problems; he's not one of them. So, of course, I am sucked into the seductiveness of helping him see that his life is good, that with a simple shift of attitude, we can all be happy....Are you rolling your eyes, yet, DS and ZB? 🙂 He has lots of emotional affairs and some physical ones and has been celibate with me for the last seven years. It's just so hard for him to imagine how to fix it; he wishes it would all be fixed, by someone else, but he can't really imagine how to do it (those are quotes, too).

So I'm not worth sex, or worth the few simple steps it might take to revitalize things, in his eyes. That's a bitter realization, but it's true. He is so inert and so willing to be helpless about our relationship; he only wants the easy stuff and he wants to be called upon to do as little as possible.

Since coming to this site, I've gotten some solid, practical guidance, and I've employed it. I focus on the kids, my friends, my work, and he really falls to the side. He obsesses about his work, anyway, that's where he's happiest, so he doesn't miss me. I'm lonely for a lover and a man in my life, but I am no longer looking in his direction. He just doesn't have the capacity to deliver any of that. What I'm especially working on right now is not complaining about him or pulling in other co-dependent friends while I complain about him. He is what he is; I need to knock off the denial, see it, own it, and make choices based on the reality, not some airy possibility. Even being WITH him is lonely; he's not much of a partner. He's very childish, but not childlike--no fun at all, actually. (Interestingly, when I was dating him, I was clear about searching for an adult. I even made a list, trotted him around to friends to evaluate lest I have blind spots. He was once independent, self-actualized, positive. Then his mother died, and he completely changed into a bitter, crabby, negative person who is really whiny. I did try to choose actively and positively, I really did).

I know life can be very hard for many people, and I feel like I am very lucky in many ways that I feel grateful for every day. What my kids deal with regarding their health can feel insurmountable; me feeling lonely for a guy feels almost silly compared to that. For now, I'm staying put, finishing school, getting the next job, taking care of the kids. I miss the part of me that was sexual and in love, because it took a lot of work and effort to raise her/create her/help her feel safe. And then this bozo comes along and blows it up. Well, I guess I have to realize my part in that. He wasn't like this when I chose him, but I still chose someone who had it in him to develop this way. Why don't people come with lists of their ingredients printed on their labels?

ZB: you should write, dear. Your words heal and fairly glow with your wise-woman-in-the-cottage-in-the-woods kind of energy. So maternal, so caring, so loving. DS: Your words to others are so smart and so clear. Your powerful intellect is at work, and though you are wise to realize the emotions often run the show, your mind is a wonderful guide to all of us, too. Sunshine: I have my tea and my footstool pulled up, and I'm waiting to hear your story.

Thank you for listening, friends. The telling helps, somehow.

January 11, 2009
6:24 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ZoeB- Yes I am trying to be loving towards the world. Feels better then always lashing out. Still trying to get new skills.

I started school on Friday. I go 8 am til 1:30 p m-f. Lots of reading. I feel like as the new healthy info goes in the old useless junk goes out. WEW.

This might be your calling to write a book someday to help people. You might be the new Melodie B. who knows? Or the Next O. Winfrey.

I have to write a thesis. I have to get the subject and the resources approved. Might do it on addictions or alcoholism as it applies to my field. Nothing like having first hand knowledge. Nothing like it at all. My class is HUGE. This will become my new reality. Getting out of the home and being around others who are trying to improve their life.

January 11, 2009
6:33 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Marple- That comment you made in regards to emotions running the show was quit profound. But true. I totally relate to the sexually sterile atmosphere of an unhappy marriage. I think to how nice it would be to have intimacy back in my life. But I also think of the saying about a time to be born a time to die, I think the same goes for sex. Not to say there isnt hope of still find it at this time in your life. I can still have sex in my life but at what price? Besides wanting sex or offering sex I am not sure that some of the men I have run into are offering much more. No thanx.

The only thing that keeps me grounded are my children. They men have come and gone but they are forever. The grand kids are great to. Too bad mine live so far but they sure know who grand ma is cause grandma always has wide open arms and gifts (so what if some are second hand).

I have some experience teaching and I am certified to teach in community colleges, adult voc ed, etc. But it has been a while. So I am going back to get on the cutting edge.

What are you getting your degree in?

January 11, 2009
6:43 pm
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destiny--communications; I'm a writer, and I study media criticism, especially gender in media.

I get you about the children being grounding.

And I love what you said about men coming and going. One of my friends, at my last wedding :), told my husband: Husbands come and go, honey, but friends are forever. Ain't it the truth.

Good luck on the classes. The minutes before I walked back into my first undergrad class a few years ago at the ripe old age of 48 my knees literally knocked. But profs love non-traditional students: you know why you're there, you'll work hard, you'll put your knowledge to solid use. You don't even NEED the good luck.

January 11, 2009
7:01 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my dad alcoholic, my mom, "dealing" with the abuse....wanted a divorce, didn't get one....dad always drinking....dad always yelling, me being "afraid" of my parents, yet too scared to stick up for me.

Going to school was the ugly duckling, thick glasses, skinny girl...people constantly made fun of me, i didn't stick up for myself, i felt "ugly"...always the last girl to be picked on for a team...when i did "grow up", got boobs, wore contact lenses, i felt "pretty"....and then the story goes...sex, with any man just for love, being used and abused, raped, over and over again...i never knew what love was, just abuse from men, always thinking i could change them,puttin up with crap....low self esteem....these men treated me bad, and I let them....my fault.... never having any self worth. Since I was 18 have had bad relationships...some good, the best one i threw away, for a man who treated me like crap. I never learned, always just tried to "fix men"...when I needed to fix myself...I often wonder why me, 43 y/o never married, no kids, went thru about 100 jobs in my lifetime....finally found that "great job" at 22 y/o stayed with it till 40 y/o and quit, to move to another city with a man who I am with now...to end up unemployed.

My thinking still hasn't changed, i am still codependent, I feel like I am getting better lil' by lil'....I even did not date for 2 years!! no men, no chaos, the time of my life, and i slipped back, fell hard, and lost my job, family far away, and all for what???

I am putting my bootstraps back on, planning on moving back to my hometime, getting "me" back...i don't want to ever lose me again, not for anyman....I think anxiousness, and anxiety, got the best of me with this silly move back in 2006, sounded good, the dream didn't last, and now i am struggling $$$ wise and no job......all to lose a job that paid big bucks, that i was there for 18 plus years.....and all for what....a dream...that never happened.

I need to slow down, think things over, and "doubt" any kind, I need to step back and recognize this.

That;s all folks, one day at a time to get better for me.

love, camer

January 11, 2009
11:59 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

marple- sounds like you are in an interesting field. I am 48. The class all looks dated. OLD SCHOOL. One of my teachers from 21 years ago still teaches there. I just spent the evening with 4 people I went to school with grew up with that I have known for 35 years. One is going though a divorce. And we all are thankful we have each other and all the serenity and peace that goes with it. Never a problem amongst us. Amazing. I just dont know that I am up to all this long hours of class. But it seems to be doing the trick as far as getting this creep purged from my brain.

January 12, 2009
12:07 am
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Camer- good story. I wore glasses to. Skinny to (as in my mother didnt feed me). I had gone through quite a few jobs to and gave up a good one for a creep. Never quite regained the momentum again after that. All lessons learned. Yes, what we have to look back on is wreckage. I two remembered 2 years of no men, complete tranquility and then the drama once I allowed one in as well. Hmmm. Yep one day at a time. I am back on the wagon and doing the no man thing again and starting to feel great again. Even though I have some bad moments. Trying to get my career back together as well. I am back in my home town as well. The support of friends has such a calming effect on my soul. What line of work did you have 20 years of experience in? I would think a prospective employer would be all over that. Wish I could put that on my resume.

January 12, 2009
2:31 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

There are several people in my life that have made such a positive difference, that I would like to start with them. Without their influence, I probably wouldn't have had the ability to seek help and in all reality probably would have killed myself before I even had a chance to grow up. So to me, they are my life.

My foster mom has been there for me since I was 10 and is still there for me eventhough I am now in my 30s. She shows me unconditional love and modeled healthy interactions with others.

One of my high school teachers supported me from dropping out and helped me make sense of a completely senseless family and stood by me whenever I got into trouble and helped me see the lesson in my mistake. She was the first to teach me the difference between being a bad person and being a good person who made a choice that didn't produce the desired outcome.

A good friend I met in college who is someone that is so wonderful that distance won't diminish her positive place in my life. We only talk maybe once a month, but each conversation is like we just saw eachother yesterday, although now it has been more than 2 years since our last face to face conversation. My pets, who have been the only constant positive force in my life. They have never judged and have always been there for me. They continue to be my only true constant companions that fill my heart with love and joy.

Now for the family:

My mom is from an affluent family that focused on "looking" good in spite of loads of addiction/alcoholism and mental illness. I was suppose to have been the 7th generation to graduate from Harvard- but I didn't even apply because I hated their world so much. My mom is addicted to drugs, mostly perscription pain killers and tranquilizers but will take anything if those aren't available. To keep up appearances her father, who was a prominate doctor, arranged for my mom to have several abortions to hide her promiscuity. I was the first live birth she had and was often refered to as the "living abortion" by both my mom and grandfather. My dad believed in life and married my mother in order to save me (and himself).

My dad was an engineer who came from a poor farming family. He was an alcoholic and pothead who hid his homosexuality from the world. For years I was the only one who knew about his many boyfriends. His younger brother is involved in the KKK and is suspected of killing his gay cousin (of course the official police report says that the guy fell onto the tracks in front of a train.) My dad probably married my mother to keep his brother from ever suspecting he was gay. He claimed that I was his (although I don't think I am genetically).

I was suicidal most of my childhood and having pets was the only thing that kept me from actually doing it. But I took many risks because I really hoped that I would die. But my situation changed when I left home and after a few years of adjustments, I am now very happy to be alive.

I was completely enmeshed with my father- took care of him, covered for him, became his best friend and confident. He was a very angry person and often raged and was physically abusive. In spite of this I worshipped him for saving my life. He and my pets were my reasons for living. Its only recently have I seen this for what it is. He died when I was 20 and I mourned him for over 14 years.

My mother never wanted me and blamed me for all mistakes in her life. I rebelled against her at a young age and began acting against that side of the family. When her father lost his license for writting unneeded prescriptions when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, she had to find other sources for her drugs. At least one of them expected payment in the form of "time" with me (and maybe my sisters too, but we haven't talked about it ever). He was our dentist, but they never seemed to fear it the way I did, and now one of them work in a dental office so I hope not. Mt mom continued her promiscuious life and my sisters and I were bounced between acting like a Norman Rockwell family with these ultra rich folks one night and then the next begging at the local fast food restaurant because my mom was at her boyfriends and left us in the car to fend for ourselves. Being in a major US city- I learned the public transportation system by the time I was 9 and was able to get us to either our house, our grandparents (my mom's side) or a friend of my moms.

I ran away several times and was in and out of foster care too. I also received court ordered family counseling and individual counseling. My parents divorced when I was in high school. I chose to live with my dad. Eventually my social worker started the process to imancipate me because he traveled alot. I turned 18 before it all went through.

Then I went to college 3000 miles from home and met my now ex-husband. I moved in with him just 2 months after I had moved out of my dad's. We lived together for 15 years. He was self absorbed but basically a good guy. I dove into work and surrounded myself in his life as if it were a suit of armour that would protect me from the demons of my past. I worked myself into oblivion and stayed numb to the world both present and past. I worked in high stress, emotional, hostile situations in order to feed my need for conflict. My ex was highly sexual and after a while there was little difference between how I felt about my marital intimacy and the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I became resentful and bitter and further retreated into the darkness of my soul.

Then I began to see glimmers of my life from an outsider's point of view. Once I realized that I was working in order to escape my past, I couldn't turn back, I couldn't continue down the path of continued self deceipt.

So I began facing these inner demons and was fortunate enough to get a job I love that pays enough so I only have to work it and nothing more. For 5 years now I have been dedicating myself toward healing and personal growth. 2 years ago my husband left me because he didn't like the person I was becoming.

So now I'm getting better and learning to move beyond my past. I try to look toward who I want to be and not who I was.

January 12, 2009
8:19 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((chelonia)))))

January 12, 2009
9:34 am
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Camer & chelonia)))

January 12, 2009
8:16 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
January 12, 2009
9:00 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((all)))

my story...hmmm....

I'm the 3rd of 4 daughters in my family. My dad was a domineering workaholic. My mom's dad was an alcoholic, and I believe she was codependent. She was totally submissive to my father. Everyone in the house was afraid of him. My sisters all moved out of town as soon as they were adults.

I never dated until I was 17. I met my ex-h just before my 18th birthday, and married him 6 years later. He was the only man who ever paid any attention to me. As I look back on our dating years, I was totally "addicted" to him. He broke up with me at one point, and was dating another woman, and I was a wreck. I did everything I could to get him back, and when I did, I made sure we were engaged shortly after that.

We both drank socially when we dated, but I overlooked the fact that his family were all big drinkers, and he really didn't know when to stop. I figured he would settle down after we married, or when we had kids. He didn't.

He went through 9 jobs in the 17 years we were married. He was never happy. We had two kids. His drinking got worse and worse. Tried counseling, but he wouldn't cooperate. Never admitted he was an alcoholic, and still doesn't. The last 8 years of our marriage were very rocky....periods of time when he wouldn't talk to me, locked me out of our bedroom for months, removed all pictures of me from the house, kept his own bank accounts and didn't pay for any of our expenses, refused to participate in any family activities, into internet porn, stayed out late drinking with his buddies. Lots of threats against me. I finally filed for divorce in 2004. Divorce final in 2005.

He has been TERRIBLE to our children since the divorce. First my son, who finally stopped reacting. Then to my daughter, who still allows him to have control over her emotions and plays his mind games. He sued me for 50/50 custody of her back in the Fall, but gave that up finally. Lately, he has been laying low.

Learning day by day to set boundaries with people in my life who have always treated me wrong. He's at the top of the list.

Met a great guy about 14 months ago, and we've been very happy together. It's hard having a relationship when there are 5 kids involved, but we manage to spend time together, alone, and with our kids so that everyone is happy.

AAC has been my salvation many, many times over the past 4+ years, and although I don't get to post here as much anymore, I do still check into a few threads regularly and pop into others as much as I can, if I feel like I've got something to offer.

I guess that's it.

January 13, 2009
7:24 pm
Avatar
Lluvia
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(sigh) I am going to attempt to say the whole truth to my story. i never say the whole truth because i just wanted to act like everything was fine.

I grew up with my parents and 3 brothers. next door lived my cousins with their parents. My mother would leave me with my cousins because they were older and could take care of me. 6 of them 4 of us.

My oldest cousin would molest from when i was 6 and i dont know if he was even ashamed he did it publicly (our parents who knows where they were at) I remember once he did this in the same room with his brothers and my brothers.

Then his brother started using me and would kiss me and i dont remember if hed touch me too because like his brother hed pin me down on the bed too.

Then his sister. The worst one of all. Shes my age too a lil older. she'd tell me what to do and do it and those memories i cant stand thinking about they were the most graphic. I have no idea how she knew so much i guess the same way i did i dont know if they molested her too. we dont speak about this.

My cousin (outside their family) i remember he grabbed me and started humping me.

My brother...this one is the hardest to say...i love him so much now but he did it to me also...(my cousin and him have at least 6 years of age difference with me) I rememaber when he babysitted my other brother and i asked if i could play a video game with my younger brother. He said yes as long as I did something for him...he unzipped his pants and i reached over...i cant remember the rest i black out after that moment. reality i dont want to remember that.

Since i was 6 years old i had knowledge about sex and have been sexual since i was 6. I grew a habit of touching myself since then. i didnt know it was all wrong that LITTERALY was the environment i grew up in. when i found out in sex ed 5th grade i became depressed suicidal and hurt myself...

I see all of them except one at least once a week sometimes alot more and they try to talk to me but im very quiet. I hate when they talk about our childhood like remember that teacher remember when we made a wrestling ring. i dont like thinking of my childhood and i hate the constant reminder of it and they act like it was nothing after what they put me through.

I am 16 now and a junior in high shool. Lately everything has been hitting me hard. High school is very hard for me. Socially. i cant relate to every one else. they're all so happy or whining about not having a better phone and stuff. The jealousy and hatred i have towards them. Not appreciating things and seeing how good they have it.

I hardly have friends. before high school i was still a nerd but ugly so i didnt have friends. now high school still a nerd but puberty made my face fit together and body grow in (a curse) Girls have a tendency to think im stuck up for being quiet and a whore for my looks and body (puberty only made my insecurity worse) and im one of the smartest girls in school so they just think im perfect...how off they are. most guys are just interested in my looks and body.

My few friends are great. They often ask how im doing and if im ok. i dont tell them though just nod my head im fine. they actually care enough to notice and they say i know theres something wrong. they assure me things are going to be great whatever they are.
im jealous of them too. they dont feel the pain i feel and they're so happy. im a nerd and so are they (they treat me a bit different since ive been called "the hot nerd" so i dont think they take me very seriously again looks get in the way)

ive been alone for so long im used to my isolation i cant socialize i start shaking and get naucious when i present things and i hate that feeling.

I have difficulty in relationships none of them have lasted longer to 3 weeks or have made it to a week. i fell in love 8th grade before puberty kicked in with this guy. he loved me too but i kept breaking things off and pushing him away. we still love eachother but i cant be in a relationship...

my family doesnt pay attention to what im going through. i am the only daughter so they think im being a drama queen since they have no experience with a girl.

i told my mother freshman year and she yelled and scorned me for not stopping it and letting it happen. LETTING IT HAPPEN i was 6 and however many years it lasted how could she expect me to know. she wasnt even there to protect me she let this happen for so long and didnt bother to see all the signs even the ones i give today. While she yelled at me i could tell she wanted to scream how much of an idiot i am. she didnt hug me for comfort of wipe away the tears (i was crying) she never showed any signs of sympathy for what happened. just expected me to let it go. she made me promise not to tell anyone. (i only told her about my eldest cousin i was too ashamed to mention everything)

my dad is not around much always off at his a.a. meetings. yes its great he doesnt drink anymore ad hes happy but hes never around since hes one of the people running them and he socializes alot and throws the anniversaries and stuff. i dont like my dad. ive always had a fear he'd hurt me too i dont want to get close to my dad anymore i flinch if he tries to give me a hug i just dont want to get close. my mother turned him against me (she does not like me ugh living with a BIPOLAR mother is horrible and she's so manipulative)

I HAVE A SPLIT PERSONALITY. this no one knows. i am a good girl i am top 10% of my school nice quiet helpful a pushover and conservative. but...there's this other side. a bad not caring about school outspoken and so not a pushover very defensive and sexual. The other side defends the good one because she cant stand watching her suffer...shes always so sad inside and has a good heart but people keep taking advantage of her...she doesnt deserve it. yes we refer to eachother in third person i noticed this awhile ago. so if i contradict myself it's because they are such opposites and it depends on who is speaking. i am the other side. the numb emotionless just completely isolated from everyone.

i dont know why my childhood is affecting me so bad right now...

Thats my story i think i should stop here because ive already written alot...

January 14, 2009
12:26 pm
Avatar
marple
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lluvia--Although we are mostly telling stories and not "talking back" I want you to feel welcomed and ((Lluvia)) --that's hugs to you--and I want you to know that many of us—MANY of us—have survived similar terrible circumstances with our families. I lost my virginity at 8 to my grandfather and it wasn't until I was 26 that I realized I could righteously refuse to be at the same family gatherings as he was. My parents knew, too, sub consciously or consciously. And my mother sounded like yours--mad at me. Honey, that's just disguised furor and shame at herself. At 16 you are beginning this journey of self-awareness with honesty and courage (earlier than I did!) and I just want to reach back and tell you that you need not let these people define your life. You get to invent yourself from now on. Also, although high school feels like life, it ain't, high school is a strange little petri dish of social intensity, and in more places than you can imagine, being a hot nerd is just about the most magical and amazing kind of woman to be. You just wait. You have already been very brave.

January 14, 2009
5:06 pm
Avatar
Zebra
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((All))

My story:

I am the first child and a twin and have one brother. Growing up was weird. I didn't feel I belonged in the family that chose me. My father is a workaolic, still is. My mother is a violent alocholic. Growing up I had to always clean and do yard work and was not allowed to go anywhere, unless it was to my Aunts/Uncles houses to babysit their young kids or to do work for them.

At age 10 I got my womenhood and was scared to death that I would bleed to death because I had no idea what was happening to me and that was the very age my mother turned on me. She became jeousle of me and called me names and never support me and hit me. My father would fight with her about me and my siblings to not be hitting us and to not be in bars and to not be this and this and this. I learned to stay in my room and read and be quiet. While inside I wanted to die.

At school I was skinny and then got really fat and was made fun of all the time and had so much anger in me that I would fight anyone who looked at me wrong.

I looked, dressed and acted like a boy because hey my brother never got what me and my sister got from my mom, so I thought if I behaved like a boy all would be good. She just laughed at me anyway. When I did dress like a girl or acted like one...I was a slut.

Went and lived with my bf, which became my first husband at 17. By the time I was 19 I had one child already. My husband would go out with his friends and party, he was also 19 and leave me to myself. Never expressing love to me. We had another child at 21 and he started cheating on me and not coming home or providing for us....yes I stayed. At 25 we had another child and he kept on cheating and such and then just left us all together. During this marriage I was also raped by his cousins bf. I was so scared and felt so awful. My husband asked me not to press charges and to keep quiet about it and he said oh he apologized to me for it. I was so angry for so long at him. Also, during this marriage my lovely mother gave oral sex to my husband and I caught them and while cutting her from my life and my childrens lives, she tried to burn down my house with us in it.

Then I stayed single and raised my boys and went to school and worked, got threapy and started to heal myself and control my anger. I was an okay mom and I think a better mom now, but I had to leave my kids with a sitter because I had to go to school, work and provide for us. My kids resented me for that for a long time, until they got older and seen what I had to do. They did learn to manipulate me and use guilt to get what they wanted because I did feel guitly and angry at the world and their father. They are good young men, but I enabled them and now I am not and boy is it hard and they don't like it. I have spoken with them about what I did wrong as a parent and what I had to do to survive for us. They are started to understand more and growing up more. They are 23, 20 and 16 now. I still feel some guilt and working on that. I also feel like I was not their for them emotionally because I wasn't their emotionally. I did get them therapy as well.

Then I meet my second husband, who I thought was awesome at first. We dated for 1 1/2 years and then got married. He left me 6 weeks after we were married to go live back home because he missed his 2 daughters whom his mom was raising. She had been raising them their whole lives because he was an addict and in and out of rehab and the mom too (NO ONE TOLD ME) and he did not want to bring them into our house or change their lives. (RED FLAG) Didn't see it. He came back and all was good for a year or two. Then I seen a huge change in his behaviors. I asked him what was going on and he then informed me that he is an addict. His drug of choice was meth, crack, coke and alochol. It progressivly got worse and WE went through rehab afer rehab after meetings and so on. He ended up cheating on me time and again, using me financially and I finially got the balls to walk away. I am now divorced. During this tenur I had develope Utern Cancer and battled that and won.

In this time I started using pot off and on to numb all of the pain. Didn't let my kids know about it though, until last year.

So now I am in therapy again, found this wonderful site and working on me and doing well. I have learned so much and am becoming a better parent and adult. I will choose wiser from this point on.

With Love, Z

January 14, 2009
5:10 pm
Avatar
Zebra
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I love you all. Z

January 14, 2009
5:59 pm
Avatar
Lluvia
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i love you all so much

this site really helps me and makes me feel better about myself and to not hate myself. with your help i prevented a mistake. i suffer so much emotionally and am in constant emotional pain i cut myself and feel better. physical feelings id prefer than emotional. so this weekend i made the mistake of fooling around with an exboyfriend (the first time id ever done anything like that well excluding childhood) he asked me to come over today to have sex (we hadnt gone all the way)

i was just so sad miserable and all ive ever wanted was to be loved and feel loved (my family doesnt make me feel like it friends dont either) and so that's why i had fooled around with him he makes me feel happy...i feel worse that i fooled around but i was still going over because i was still sad and wanted to feel loved and i was afraid hed not want me if i didnt.

i dont care about him anymore. i dont need someone to make me feel better only i can do so. i didnt realize this but this site wow you guys just helped me prevent a big mistake.

thank you...i love you all

January 14, 2009
6:17 pm
Avatar
Zebra
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lluvia,

You got it baby....only you can make you feel better and if we don't give others the power to define who we are...then it doesn't matter what others think of us and we don't feel like we have to Prove ourselves either.

YEAH....

keep positing. Z

January 14, 2009
6:21 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

aaaaaaaaahhh there's so much good love here!! (((zebra, Lluvia)))) right back at ya!!! love, camer!!

January 14, 2009
6:23 pm
Avatar
Zebra
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Camer,

I posted on a thread titled Billy99...check it out...need advise.

How are you my friend?

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
56 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 108538

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38531

Posts: 714172

Newest Members:

chriswf2, Businessbor, Stevenreque, piterfub, jewellze16, Sandercxe

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer